You never should have come into this world.
That was probably one of the most frequently heard phrases from my past life.
And whenever those words were spoken, it was the moment when genuine emotion surfaced in my former mother’s eyes.
At first, I clung to her, weeping endlessly. Hearing such words from her, the one person I loved and relied on more than anyone else, was an immense wound to me.
Yet, starved for affection, I ultimately had no choice but to force a smile and return to her embrace. If even she were to abandon me, no one would remain by my side.
[I’m really tired of you, I’m over it.]
Each time, she looked down at me with eyes that seemed endlessly weary. The contempt, boredom, and anger reflected in her gaze pierced my heart like a dagger.
She called me ugly. A monster mad with love, incapable of doing anything alone. But honestly, I couldn’t help but feel a bit wronged.
I didn’t ask for much. Just a warm hug… or even just a hand to hold… if that was too much, then a gentle smile would have been sufficient…
But the expressions of affection I received from her were nothing more than violence and abuse disguised as love.
Like a resilient cockroach that keeps coming back even after you kill it repeatedly, new bruises perpetually adorned my arms and legs. In fact, thinking of it as a kind of expression of affection from my mother made it less painful.
Being alone was the greater suffering for me.
My room was a narrow, dark space without a single window, but it was okay because there was a mirror.
I sat quietly, gazing at the mirror. Inside it was a child, surprisingly pretty, who bore a striking resemblance to my mother.
As I smiled at the mirror, the child, just like my mother, returned my smile. It felt as if my mother was offering me a gentle smile, warming my heart.
As I reached out to touch the mirror, the child within grasped my hand in return.
For just this moment, as our hands touched, I felt the sting of profound loneliness dissipate.
*
I was tired of it.
Viviana said that to me.
After hearing those words, my mind went blank, and I couldn’t even make a sound judgment. My thoughts were consumed with trying to figure out why Viviana was tired of me.
“Can I at least touch your chest instead?”
I didn’t even have time to think about why Viviana, who was not a psychopathic lesbian like Mardian, wanted to touch my chest.
If I let Viviana touch my chest, would she gaze at me with a more affectionate look? But what if she got tired of me again? What would happen next?
No. I don’t like it.
Despite having given her my whole body, if she looked down on me with that bored gaze again after tasting me for a long while… I wouldn’t be able to endure it.
“Touching the chest… might be a bit much, right?”
I forced a smile as I said it.
“…Really?”
The slight interest in Viviana’s eyes extinguished in an instant. Her violet gaze contained nothing but boredom.
Just yesterday, she had cared for me, yet in a flash, this was the change in her behavior, and I felt a twinge of resentment. However, I couldn’t bring myself to voice any complaints. According to our contract, I was in the subordinate position, and Viviana was in the superior position.
“Then how about a walk…? Or maybe having some tea together would be nice…”
“I’m not the type to enjoy such mundane activities.”
I feared looking into her indifferent eyes any longer and averted my gaze downwards.
“Is that so…?”
“…”
A long silence ensued. I thought I heard a sound like teeth grinding in the background, but I dismissed it as perhaps just a product of my anxiety.
“Is touching the chest really not an option?”
Viviana spoke again with a faint smile.
“…Touching the chest is not—”
“I’ll send you two drawings instead.”
Under normal circumstances, I would have been overjoyed. I might have even let Viviana touch my chest in exchange for two drawings. But for some reason, her suggestion only deepened my gloom.
The way Viviana spoke…
It felt like… she was treating me like a prostitute.
It was a thought I would never have entertained under normal circumstances. But hearing her cold voice and looking into her quickly cooling eyes felt as if a part of me was calling out, like I was becoming that type of woman who earns money by selling her laughter and body.
“…I’m sorry.”
“…Okay.”
With a brief response, Viviana stood up, looking down at me with those emotionless eyes before speaking again.
“But Tina, I’ve paid off all your family’s debts and promised the support our Duchy provides that all nobles desire. I expect a fair return for that.”
“That… is…”
“Rest well, I’ll visit again tomorrow.”
Without hesitation, she turned her back and left the room. I couldn’t bring myself to lift my head until I heard her footsteps fade away.
Silence enveloped the room, and as the stillness of loneliness began to wrap around me, I lifted my head to gaze at the mirror.
My eyes, dull and lifeless like a rotting fish. The very eyes my mother from my past life detested. I hated those eyes so much.
In such times, my childhood friend would always comfort me. I had no lingering attachments to my past life, but the fact that I could no longer see her felt somewhat painful.
I crawled on all fours to the mirror. Extending my hand, I caressed its surface. The small, white hand in the mirror touched my hand in return.
The solitude felt slightly lessened, and my heart felt a bit brighter.
This time, I stood up and approached the bed, flopping down onto it. I opened a nearby book and carefully examined each illustration within.
In one of the pictures, a man was crying tears of blood, writhing in pain. Seeing him made my own misfortune feel lighter, and my mood improved a bit.
Yeah, it’s okay.
There’s someone here who’s suffering far more than I am? This person is torn apart and bleeding, with a head that’s half crushed, yet I’m perfectly fine.
So it’s okay.
How many people in the world are more unfortunate than me? Compared to those pitiful souls, I’m actually doing pretty well. So there’s no need for me to feel bad, right?
I know that finding solace in another’s misfortune is ugly, but I was aware that I was just that type of person.
Every time I felt lonely, I would look into the mirror, and every time I felt sad, I would stare at the illustrations within the book.
I wonder if that effort finally bore fruit. A sense of peace gradually settled into my previously troubled heart.
Just as I was trying to force a smile, opening my mouth to create one with my hands, the suddenly tightly shut door of my room swung open.
At first, I thought Viviana had come back, but it was none other than Iris.
“…Iris?”
Usually, one rings the bell to enter, but Iris opened my door and came in without my calling for her.
“Is something wrong?”
“…”
The only response was a cold silence.
Why did she come if she wasn’t going to say anything?
Still, having at least one person in the room was better than being completely alone.
I felt slightly exhausted, but I lifted a faint smile as I looked at Iris.
“Do you know, Iris? Actually today—”
“Were you not the one who told me not to cross the line before?”
A voice that was neither loud nor soft, but rather a pleasant, serious tone. Iris’s cold expression matched perfectly with her indifferent voice, and my eyes widened in disbelief.
Was that just what Iris said? I could hardly believe it for a moment.
Iris, who had maintained silence since our first meeting, suddenly spoke to me? For a moment, I wondered if I was hearing things, but Iris’s gaze on me felt different from usual.
But… what did she just say…?
“What did you say…?”
“I felt like it was a warning, but it was utterly absurd.”
Her tone was casual, almost condescending. I felt a sense of incredulity at Iris’s rough voice.
Even as a noblewoman of a declining house, I was still a legitimate noble. The fact that she could speak to me like that suggested Iris was also a noble without a doubt.
“Iris… what’s with this sudden behavior?”
“Well… I find it somewhat adorable, and quite irritating, to be honest.”
Iris approached me with a smirk, and instinctively, I took a step back due to the ominous atmosphere surrounding her.
Before I knew it, Iris had taken hold of my wrist and pushed me down onto the bed.
In this unexpected situation, I tried to push her away, but Iris showed no signs of moving an inch.
It was astonishing to see such a disparity of strength, even though we were both women.
“…What’s the meaning of this sudden act?”
In response to my question, Iris, with calm eyes,
with a voice sharper than a blade, stabbed into my insides.
“I hope you realize that someone as competent as me is far more suited to the Merdellia family than a woman like you who gets tired of things so easily.”
Her words were incredibly abrupt and simultaneously pierced deep into my heart.
Those words made my spirit plummet once more.
