Chapter 92

“Excuse me?”

It seems I just said something nonsensical for a moment. Given the situation, it wasn’t unusual. Seeing Muk Ha-neul so flustered, it seemed like she didn’t expect this kind of reaction from me. I didn’t know either.

But it was enough for now. After all, she came to see me because I was sick, so it wasn’t right to treat her this way. I might as well say, “No, sorry. I spoke without thinking.”

“Why the hell are you here?”

Ah.

“Uh, well….”

Muk Ha-neul froze, clearly bewildered. She was originally quite timid. The sudden hostility seemed to catch her off guard, reminding me of the first time I met her.

No, this was not a moment to reminisce. It wasn’t too late. Even though my mouth had slipped control three times, it wasn’t the worst-case scenario. Worst? What is the worst?

I decided to say again, “Sorry, I’m sick, so I’m saying things that don’t make sense.” That should wrap it up.

“Sorry, I… I feel like I might die, so why did you come?”

Just shut my mouth.

“…Uh, um, I’m sorry. I heard you were sick, and since I thought you’d be alone, I was worried… so I came. I’m sorry if I intruded.”

“…I’m sick? Who said that?”

Only the doctor and Park Il-Woong knew I was on my period. Maybe Ham Yejin had heard about it too. But Muk Ha-neul hardly had a reason to be in touch with her. Moreover, up until yesterday, I hadn’t felt that sick.

How did Muk Ha-neul find out I was ill? Did she start watching me? Now my mind was spiraling into strange paranoia. What did she say again?

“What? You mentioned this morning that you were sick.”

…What? What kind of nonsense is that?

“What do you mean that’s nonsense?”

This time, I made sure not to slip up and expressed myself properly. But whether it was important or not at this point didn’t matter.

“Uh, in the chat… you kept saying you were in pain this morning. I wanted to come right away, but I had previous commitments, so I came now… I asked if it was okay for me to come, but you didn’t reply, so I was even more worried.”

I immediately returned to the sofa and checked my smartphone.

…And read the conversation stacked with Muk Ha-neul.

[Hurting]

[Ahhh, it hurts]

[I feel sick]

[It’s hard]

…There were messages of me whining about pain, with the language all jumbled together. Did I type this? My mind went blank as if bleach had been poured into it.

I peeled back the fog of memories that were deeply buried.

…I couldn’t remember clearly. However, there was one thing I recalled. When I lay on the sofa in the morning, I had been holding my smartphone. And I somehow… did something.

Yes, I had that thought of wanting someone to take care of me. I was looking for someone to carry me onto the bed. I had that memory.

If that memory were translated into Korean, it would be:

I’m in pain.

So I had been whining as if I were a little girl, asking someone to look after me. And to Muk Ha-neul, who responded to that, I had spat out curses without even remembering.

By now, Muk Ha-neul had entered the living room and opened her mouth.

“Uh… are you okay? I’m sorry. I came in first. If you want me to leave, I can go.”

No, I’m sorry.

“No, I’m sorry.”

Fortunately, this time, the words came out as I intended. Maybe the mental shock was so great that I felt clearer than before. I even temporarily forgot about the pain.

I was so embarrassed and ashamed of this ridiculous behavior.

“Sorry. I must have really been out of it. I didn’t even remember leaving such a message. I’m sorry.”

“No, you don’t have to apologize. You must have been in a lot of pain. It’s sad when you’re in pain alone. That’s totally understandable.”

…Ha-neul was such a kind person. If I were still a man, maybe I would have wanted her to be the one to help me. Help with what? People help each other.

“Then… can I stay?”

“Ah, yeah… Sorry. Just stay comfortable.”

“Are you feeling a bit better? Um….”

She didn’t ask where I was in pain.

Of course, the question didn’t finish, so I didn’t respond either. We both knew this silence marked the end of the question and was the answer itself.

Do women have some kind of instinct to sense things? Or was the smell of blood just too intense? Speaking of, it had been a while since I had changed my pad. My lower body felt damp and uncomfortable. It didn’t seem like anything had leaked out, but it wouldn’t be strange if it smelled.

“Uh, so it’s your first time, right? Um, it’s okay. It’s always hard at first. Have you been to the hospital? It’s not the usual thing to go, but you’re a special case. Ah, you should lie back down. I shouldn’t have bothered you to get up.”

“I’ll just go to the bathroom for a moment.”

Muk Ha-neul probably understood what I meant.

It was time to change my pad, and I also wanted to escape this situation for a moment.

I entered the bathroom. I needed a moment alone. While it was excruciating to call for help, now that someone had come, I ironically longed for alone time, prompting even a chuckle at my confusion.

I placed the smartphone I’d brought with me on the nearby shelf. After removing my underwear and taking off the dirty pad, I disposed of it. It had gotten dirty, yes. It was the dirtiness coming out of my body. The filth of not even being able to be called a child. The state was no different from what I was experiencing.

I quickly washed my lower half with the shower hose. After rinsing off, I awkwardly tried to put on a new pad…

Ah.

I didn’t bring any underwear.

Normally, I would just go out and grab some, but Muk Ha-neul was outside. While she would understand given that she was a woman too, I just felt embarrassed. I didn’t want to show myself in this state at all. At the same time, I didn’t want to ask Muk Ha-neul to bring my underwear.

But eventually, I had no choice, and I opted for the less embarrassing option. I couldn’t muster the strength to call out loudly. I knocked on the bathroom door, calling Muk Ha-neul from inside.

“Is something wrong?”

“…Can you bring me something from the drawer in the other room?”

“Huh? I didn’t hear well.”

“…Bring me my underwear.”

If Muk Ha-neul had failed to understand me twice, she would have shouted “Underwear!!” like something from a cheap novel. Thankfully, that kind of mishap didn’t occur. Muk Ha-neul quietly disappeared to get it and returned. Then she knocked on the door and said,

“I left it at the door. I’ll be outside, so just take it.”

After those words, I waited a moment and opened the door to grab my underwear.

It was the worst.

I felt like a senior sending her junior on an errand for my underwear.

In any case, I finally put on the pad. Now… let’s take a moment to rest. I lifted the toilet seat and sat down. If I had the body of an adult man, it might have been a bit risky, but with this body, it didn’t matter.

I naturally picked up the smartphone I’d left on the shelf.

As soon as I turned on the phone, the chat with Muk Ha-neul came into view. Why did I do that? I knew in many ways that the menstrual cycle makes things tough for women, but I had never heard that it could disorient someone to this extent.

Is this pain proof that I’m not a woman enough, or proof that I’ve become more of a woman?

Either way, it wasn’t particularly pleasant.

Why on earth did I send that message to Muk Ha-neul?

…What?

In a moment of chilling realization, I checked the chats with other people.

I had messaged Muk Ha-neul. So, I might have messaged other people too. It was a too obvious and reasonable deduction. My face wouldn’t be visible, but it was clear that I was pale.

Upon checking, I hadn’t sent a stream of complaints that I was in pain everywhere. I had messaged only one other person among my few contacts besides Muk Ha-neul: Seo Jae-Ah.

And that one person was the biggest problem.

[Hurting]

Unlike the chat with Muk Ha-neul, it wasn’t multiple messages whining; it was just this single one. This one line. Just these two characters.

My life felt over.

Beside the short message I left in the chat with Gang Hwa-won, there had been a number 1. It was there but disappeared. In the brief moment I was looking, it vanished before I could even feel relieved.

It was simple.

Hwa-won saw it.

Right now.

I had messaged two people. Muk Ha-neul and Gang Hwa-won. I definitely didn’t want Hwa-won to see me in this state, but Muk Ha-neul was somewhat better. After all, Muk Ha-neul was a woman.

But showing this state to Hwa-won seriously triggered a deep desire for self-destruction within me.

At the same time, it raised a question.

My subconscious wanted someone to take care of me. Then the most ideal person would surely have been Ham Yejin. Yet, the only two people I left messages for were Muk Ha-neul and Gang Hwa-won.

Neither of them felt like a good fit.

I chose someone who could take me to the bed. There might be significance to that choice.

I was clearly suffering from some major illness. And Muk Ha-neul held the cure to that illness. What Gang Hwa-won had was a vaccine.

I still hadn’t been able to choose anything yet.

~

In any case, I didn’t have time to be dawdling around like this.

After gathering my thoughts, I opened the door. The overwhelming fear and shock of what I had done brought me back to my senses. At least, it wasn’t like the morning when I wasn’t in my right mind.

“Are you out?”

“I have to get out right now! I can’t stay here; I have to go quickly!”

Correction, maybe that wasn’t it.

“Why, what’s wrong? Calm down. What happened?”

“I think I messaged Hwa-won. Saying I’m in pain…”

“W-why? Did you fight or something?”

“I have to leave because Hwa-won might come. I can’t stay here.”

“Please calm down for a moment. D-do you not want to see him right now?”

…I nodded.

“I don’t want to show myself like this.”

I didn’t know what Muk Ha-neul thought upon hearing that. She might not fully understand, and in fact, I wasn’t even clear on what I had said. What its meaning was.

But anyway, Muk Ha-neul nodded at me with determination that seemed unnecessary. It was a genuinely silly expression, but right now, it felt a bit reassuring.

“I’ll take a good look around, so just trust me and stay calm.”

“Really?”

“Yes. I promise.”

“You have to…”

It was a truly farcical scene. My smartphone was buzzing intensely beside me, but I ignored it. I just surrendered my body to this amusing farce and turned my gaze away.