Byul Rak was tearing at his own chest. His movements were violent, and Soeun Yu could not comprehend what was happening.
“Master… why are you doing this? Please, tell me the reason…”
Soeun Yu mumbled meaningless words to herself. But Byul Rak’s incomprehensible actions did not cease.
Foul curses poured out of his mouth.
“Shit, shit, shit! For fuck’s sake!”
Byul Rak’s muscular chest was now exposed to the world.
Despite briefly covering her eyes at his exposed state, Soeun Yu’s eyes widened in shock at Byul Rak’s bizarre behavior.
“Mas- Master! What are you doing?”
His trembling hand scraped against his flesh. Crimson blood trickled down his fingers.
Chunks of his muscular body were being torn away. Byul Rak’s despair was beginning.
“Fuck.”
“What… Why are you doing this since a while ago…?”
“Fuck, why isn’t it even beating…?”
“Beating? What do you mean?”
“You should at least be a cat… she said she wanted to meet again…”
Soeun Yu watched in amazement as Byul Rak’s sorrowful expression lacked any trace of the previous anger and rage.
He was angry, but not at Soeun Yu – at himself.
“Master… are you hiding another secret from me? What do you mean about not being able to be a cat for her meeting…?”
Byul Rak’s emotions grew more intense, and Soeun Yu’s heart tightened as she watched him.
“Fuck, fuck. Why now…”
“Unless, Soeun can do this… Yes, she needs a bit of time.”
“Maybe I am just too overwhelmed now…”
What could he possibly mean by ‘this’? What sort of ‘time’ was necessary? What exactly was he referring to?
Byul Rak slammed his forehead against a tree as if collapsing.
His broad back heaved with sobs.
“Please… forget me… and move on….”
“Master…”
“Enough people are breaking because of me…”
…Breaking?
What did he mean by ‘only himself’? What was he talking about when he said these things?
Though Soeun Yu’s mind was overwhelmed by the day’s events, she strained herself to guess the meaning behind Byul Rak’s words.
She could not fully understand what he was saying, but her attention was drawn to his final words.
“Breaking?”
Without knowing the whole story, Soeun Yu realized one thing: he could not break any more.
Wasn’t he already broken enough?
Even if she was no longer his, she could not simply watch him break further.
Moreover, it seemed like his ‘other’ might also hold some mysterious reason hidden within.
She had no choice but to act, even out of guilt.
“…Could it be that the reason you lead such a life without showing desire has something to do with this?”
“Is it because of the straw-like love you harbor only for me that you’ve lost?”
“Is the absence of any subtle signs during the nearly year you spent with Moon Blossom from the Taewon Jin Clan merely coincidence?”
The sadder part was that the more she thought, the closer she came to the ‘reason’ she didn’t want to reach.
She didn’t want to conclude with the worst possible answers.
“…Is it a coincidence, then?”
In response to her question, Byul Rak quietly muttered.
“I must take action…”
“What plan is he referring to?” She had no idea.
However, her questions did not last long.
“I must capture Bin Namgung…”
“Soeun will be able to live well without me…”
“That she can be independent… Heh!”
“Hahaha!”
Before she could react, Byul Rak’s unexpected chuckle filled the air.
Soeun Yu focused on his previous statements.
“Without me…? Independence…?”
She felt herself missing some important truth.
Though she didn’t know exactly what it was,
She was certain of one thing.
“What are you planning…?”
Byul Rak pushing her away, it wasn’t for himself.
—
Soeun Yu, with a bitter expression, emerged from the memory embedded within the sword. Complex emotions were etched on her face, but none of them were particularly bright.
Within the glow of the Qing Guang Bao Jian, she witnessed numerous events: Byul Rak slaying the two villains of Huashan and screaming.
‘[I should have not saved this Martial Arts world!!]’
Who would have imagined there was such a story behind that day’s cry? The thought crossed her mind that Byul Rak regretted saving the world.
This stream of thought led her down a rabbit hole, and at its end, as always, was a deep sense of guilt directed at herself.
Why hadn’t she believed in him?
If she had only been by his side…
She recalled the ensuing conversation between her father and her husband, which she still couldn’t fully understand.
One thing remained clear:
‘Even if she could not fulfill her duties to me, I will fulfill mine to her…’
Byul Rak was about to do something she didn’t know about, something hidden just like before when he had returned to fix everything.
For her.
Just like the old days when he was shrouded in mystery and came back to correct the errors of his past.
“You are truly…”
A desolate tone slipped from Soeun Yu’s lips, drained of any energy.
“Your daughter said she was sorry. The apology ends it there.”
“She did not bear ill intentions when she did it. She did her best within her capabilities, and she continues to do her best now.”
Soeun Yu’s face twisted.
She felt embarrassed. Ashamed.
Of the fact that she had already been forgiven.
She had only offered mere words, not knowing the truth, and already been forgiven.
It was shameful.
What it meant was that even his so-called ‘mere words’ carried weight.
Despite being a despicable person herself, unworthy of forgiveness,
A spineless, faithless woman,
A sorry excuse of a woman who had the privilege of once knowing such a great man and didn’t deserve it,
“What do you intend to do for such a me?”
Her dried eyes, now incapable of tears, swept across the sword she had just emerged from.
“Ah…”
—
I am incompetent.
I am not just a foolish woman, but truly a fool.
A fool, a dunce, the stupidest person in the world.
Stupid, ignorant, and pathetic fool that I am.
I apologize. I genuinely apologize.
To my father, who let me leave the sect without stopping me, I apologize for not being the daughter you deserved.
To Su-a, my dearest bloodline, I apologize for not being the mother you needed.
And,
To the man who once honored me beyond my worth…
To Cheolbin, now called Byul Rak,
I’m sorry. I am so, so sorry.
I’ve committed unforgivable sins against you.
I have violated marital trust, something that should have been a given.
I let my heart waver like reeds swayed by every breeze.
I am sorry, deeply sorry.
It’s already a late apology, but here I beg for your understanding.
It’s shameful for someone like me, who has already been forgiven without warrant, to beg this.
I am an unparalleled fool, an idiot, a waste of space.
A woman who lacks the right to even hold you.
A woman who has no place to judge who you choose.
…Yet, truthfully, I am not entirely pure-hearted in this.
The woman who sits by your side… once it was Moon Blossom of the Taewon Jin Clan, and now it’s Jade Flower of Kunlun.
I cannot deny the grotesque desire within me that wishes to sit in her place.
But, I won’t dare to ask.
Because I don’t deserve it. Because sitting by your side would already be overwhelming for me.
Because I couldn’t even reciprocate half of the love you’ve given me, I am a useless woman.
Yes, that’s me.
I’ve always been like that.
Being among the ten prodigies in the ‘Nine Dragons and Seven Flowers’ was only possible because Huashan’s martial arts were exceptional, not because I was skilled.
The fame and fortune I achieved as the lady of the Nam Gong house were all yours, never truly mine.
As a mother to Su-a, I may sometimes be praised, but never purely as ‘Yu Soeun.’
All of this happened because I am incapable.
My head is so foggy, and my stubbornness is so strong that I’ve made the worst mistakes.
Ah, sorry, let me correct that. Not a mistake, but a wrongdoing, a fault.
…Just trying to preserve what little conscience I have left, though it doesn’t suit someone like me.
Anyways… I, who am so inept I can endlessly list my inadequacies, why does your grace towards me continue without me even knowing?
It hurts when you insult me, but I deserve every word.
So, why do you withhold your anger?
You said you will take your duties seriously, but you did not tell me even privately what those duties entail.
I’m anxious.
Because you’ve always sacrificed everything for others, I fear that you’re preparing to sacrifice again.
You can leave me behind if you wish. No, please do. And find happiness. You’re someone who deserves happiness.
Even if the world turns against you and Namgong Bin heaps fake accusations on you, you are someone who can find happiness.
With Moon Blossom and Jade Flower by your side, both decent people. Even though Jade Flower, like me, once misunderstood you, she quickly admitted her fault much earlier than I ever did.
Even with such people around you, you choose not to take happiness.
You are the man…
The first man I saw and fell for, a noble and upright person.
A man who charged forward toward righteous causes as his unyielding ideals directed, without looking elsewhere.
A man who, despite seeming changed, has not altered one bit, or rather has become even more righteous, perhaps fading because of the weight of time.
How can you be so magnificent?
How can you be so perfect?
Even in this moment, my heart pounds as I secretly apologize to you.
Sorry. Though I know it shouldn’t be this way, I can’t control my body’s reaction.
Your writings are causing this. Even while knowing this hope is futile, these naive impulses stir my heart.
I’ve already memorized which chapter of your diary it is…
“Love, love, love, love, love”… Is every whisper of infinite love directed toward me?
Even if it was just for a time…
It shouldn’t be this way, yet it feels so good. I’m joyful. I’m happy.
I apologize. Please forgive me.
I shouldn’t harbor such shameless feelings toward you.
I shouldn’t try to gather spilled water now, after I’ve left…
Because you are so righteous, so beautiful…
Your unshakable sense of justice in the chaos of the world still sways my heart.
I keep leaning on you.
I’m sorry, truly sorry.
Because I didn’t trust you.
And,
Because I’ve presumptuously cherished love in my heart.
I want to sit beside you.
I want to lean on you.
I want to stand beside you.
I want to honor you properly.
I want to live as your wife.
I want to raise Su-a with you.
I want to conclude my life with you.
I want to dedicate my insignificant life to you
I want to dedicate my entire life to loving you.
Love, love. I really, really love you.
To match the love you’ve given me, the endless years.
I also want to love.
—
