Chapter 90

As the doctor cautiously asked for my opinion, seemingly surprised that I accepted it more readily than expected, I couldn’t help but notice the subtle hints of confusion on their face. They tried not to show it, but somehow it all stood out to me in my current state.

I moved to a different examination room and met a new doctor. She was a middle-aged female obstetrician. Generally, women tend to have negative feelings towards me, so I felt a bit anxious, but the new doctor seemed to have no particular thoughts about me.

Perhaps it was because she was middle-aged. After all, the women I’d often confronted were usually younger. I had never particularly clashed with anyone of her age. I couldn’t detect any signs of dislike from Seomun-sook or Madame either.

The new doctor was kind.

Even though she must have known my age, she treated me as carefully as if I were a very young girl experiencing her first period. Despite the stories I had been rambling about, to her, I seemed to just be an ordinary patient.

Perhaps that was how she thought about it. I might not know, but this uterus,

the uterus that now occupied this man’s body,

was innocent of any wrongdoing.

After all, it was a place capable of nurturing a child.

…It was a delusion of victimhood. This doctor was simply kind and devoted to her profession. No matter how convoluted I might be, it was absurd to insult this doctor with my baseless paranoia.

Fortunately, the test results showed no abnormalities.

In fact, the uterus that had been improperly seated until now was reported to have returned to being completely normal. All the pain I had experienced until now stemmed from that.

So now, I was left with just one clean and healthy uterus.

As the doctor explained this in a soothing voice that brought relief, a sudden question popped into my mind, and I asked it without any filtering.

“Why me?”

“Excuse me…?”

“Why me?”

Why is it me of all people?

That was my fundamental question.

Why me?

I almost wished I could cry, but I was frustratingly calm.

The doctor responded,

“Well, why is it Seol-guk of all people? There are many people in the world who wish to become women. If something like this happened to them, perhaps they would have been happier.”

“I don’t know.”

Why should it have been me?

“Is it some kind of karma?”

“Unfortunately, I’m not in a position to answer that.”

That made sense.

So ultimately, this question wasn’t directed towards the doctor. It was a question for myself.

Even so, the doctor tried to provide an answer.

“Well, since I’m not your primary physician, I don’t know what kind of person Seol-guk is. Even if I were your primary physician, there would be a lot I wouldn’t know.

That made sense.

“So I can’t say things like ‘Now that you’ve become younger and more beautiful, forget your gender and live happily’ or ‘How about making a fresh start?’, or ‘Think of it as revenge for your difficult life.’ I don’t know the answer.”

Of course, none of those would be correct.

“After all, Seol-guk, simply hearing such stories won’t make things okay for you, and you probably didn’t ask expecting that.”

“I never had any expectations. I don’t know how.”

“Is that so? Anyway, I can’t possibly provide an answer to why such a thing happened to Seol-guk. People who have been in car accidents or who suffer from painful illnesses say the same thing. Why me?”

Me?

“However, this saying changes slightly in obstetrics and pediatrics. Why me?”

To my child.

“It might be inappropriate for an obstetrician to use this expression, but I’m not talking about cheap maternal love. This can happen to anyone. But not everyone has someone to substitute for that ‘Why me?’ Unfortunately, there wasn’t anyone for Seol-guk.”

“…”

“I can’t tell you if what happened to you was due to karma or what the right answer is for how to live your life. Therefore, I’ll tell you just one thing.”

Find someone.

“Find someone who can answer your ‘Why me?’ That’s the first step necessary to live. When you find someone who can answer that question for you, you can finally take your first steps as a person.”

The doctor was stating that I was still an infant who hadn’t learned to walk properly. Perhaps that wasn’t incorrect. My mother hadn’t said a word on the day I first stood up.

Since I couldn’t remember that day, I should regard it as her not saying anything.

“…Yes.”

I didn’t elaborate on the doctor’s words. I felt a bit like I had found an answer, but in reality, what I had discovered wasn’t an answer but a path.

After a brief silence, the doctor resumed discussing the test results as if nothing had happened and went over some common precautions. She explained how to use sanitary pads in detail. Even though she had already shown the way between my legs, I still felt my face flush a little.

“Please keep your abdomen warm,” she concluded plainly. I stood up and bowed my head to the doctor in greeting. Then the doctor patted my head. It was an impolite act. Surely the doctor wasn’t unaware of that.

I didn’t get angry. I simply stood still.

“I’m sorry. I just thought of my daughter.”

Like a daughter.

I was especially sensitive to middle-aged women. As I mentioned, it felt like that. And for some reason, middle-aged women were strangely kind towards me. I could have asked if they perhaps felt something towards me as I did, but I didn’t.

Because finding the answer I thought of would be just as miserable, I surrendered myself to the comfort of this moment.

Having listened to all the test results, I now had to meet my original doctor again. I couldn’t understand the necessity of a further examination, but since they said to do it again, I had no choice but to comply.

And during the consultation, the doctor said,

“As you know, Seol-guk, your body is now capable of having a child. This might be unpleasant to hear, but please listen carefully. Just because you can conceive doesn’t mean your body is completely mature. It’s still quite close to being a child’s body. So if you were to become pregnant, it could place a lot of strain on your body. You must be cautious and careful. Of course, I trust you won’t do anything reckless, but still.”

This was information that hadn’t been included in the warnings I had heard earlier.

The doctor probably didn’t want to say it, but it was something that had to be conveyed from her position.

Only then did I come to realize. Menstruation wasn’t a phenomenon that existed to justify a woman’s hysteria. It didn’t exist to steal vacations or to make excuses or relieve stress on others.

It wasn’t an organ meant merely for shedding blood monthly. It wasn’t meant to flow blood between my legs or to expel clots. The purpose was clear.

To me, the uterus had been a symbol, not a reality. That was no longer the case.

That was right.

This body was no longer a boy, yet it still held a uterus.

I had finally realized that.

~

When I returned after the examination, Park Il-Woong was dozing in the waiting room. Although it hadn’t taken an exceptionally long time, it was still a long enough wait for someone I had essentially just met today.

I sat down next to him without waking him.

Park Il-Woong was a manly man. He looked a bit older, but he was sturdy, and though I wouldn’t call him handsome, there was a hint of rugged masculinity about him. He was physically larger than I had been when I was a man, a little noisy, but he had a good personality. He was, in fact, the epitome of a man.

And he too must be equipped with that.

What I once had,

something that couldn’t find its use, and thus was given meaning.

I stared blankly at his groin.

It was all wrong.

What hung between a male’s legs was not decoration. It was certainly not a tumor.

The penis existed to impregnate women.

Hwa-won would sometimes tease me, calling me a useless chick that couldn’t eat even when given food. My appearance was no different from the present. Unlike me, Hwa-won would have known that this existed to be embedded between a woman’s legs.

Even when I was a man, I had known it, but I hadn’t realized it. It was only after transforming into this form that I could finally grasp it. At this point, it was truly pathetic.

I didn’t want to say what it was I felt unqualified about. It was a story known to all.

After waiting for about ten minutes, out of nowhere, I hit Park Il-Woong on the head with the envelope containing the documents and medication I had received earlier. It wasn’t a hard hit.

“Ouch!”

“Wake up.”

“Yes? Huh?”

Park Il-Woong was clearly confused about what was happening. Naturally, it wouldn’t take him long to realize what had occurred. In a nonchalant voice, I said,

“It’s time to go back.”

“Oh, okay.”

….

“But why did you hit me?”

“Just because.”