Chapter 90

As the flood of memories rushed in like a breached dam, a sense of emptiness filled me.

The former head of the household had treated me not as a person but as a tool since our first meeting. Realizing just how cruel his actions were compared to what I originally remembered made me feel as if my life, which he had toyed with, was inexplicably light and insignificant.

— I thought it was appropriate when I came. In such a short time, I’ve entangled myself with unnecessary connections.

The words he spoke when I first met my biological father echoed in my mind. Not only did he speak, but he immediately attacked me, sealing away parts of my memory in the process.

— Emotions are unnecessary with a sharp blade. Especially memories built with things that need to be cut.

Recalling those cold, unfeeling words, I felt that from the moment I was born, I had been bred as this man’s tool. I felt utterly insignificant.

Despite my efforts to live a better tomorrow after overcoming a past that seemed fitting only for someone who lived because they couldn’t die, the memories of my past as a tool weighed heavily on me, bringing doubt.

Was it inevitable that I would end up this way, unable to even receive a name at birth?

As these thoughts continued, my emotions grew more complex.

There was a memory that surfaced only now, of the times I wandered through alleyways. And realizing how precious this memory was, a sense of longing arose.

My biological father… no, the former head of the Paleord family, had sealed away such precious memories.

And there was also the pity I felt for myself, having been used as a tool by others’ malice since birth.

With so many conflicting emotions crossing paths, my mind naturally became cluttered.

“Huuu…”

Unable to release the heat building up in my head, I let out a soft sigh.

Even with just the memories I had held onto, I felt my life had been sufficiently tragic. But recalling how the former head of the household had manipulated my memories as well, my self-respect began to wane.

“…Huh?”

Just as I was about to continue my self-deprecation, something warm enveloped my body, abruptly ending it.

Initially, I was bewildered, but now, I found such warmth so meaningful that I felt relieved it hadn’t disappeared.

It came from a body that, despite its slender build, possessed a surprising strength and softness, a result of diligent training.

I hadn’t imagined feeling such warmth and tenderness in my lifetime, and even just a month ago, such an experience would have surprised me.

Now, though still a bit startled, the reason was different.

“…Andy.”

Her voice, cautious yet tender, calling my name.

“I don’t look well. Are you feeling okay?”

Seeing Asulin’s eyes, filled with concern, her voice gentle yet carrying a hint of worry, made me realize how much she cared.

Even in the dimly lit bedroom, her beautiful green eyes stood out, making me feel anxious, as if they were filled with concern even in the middle of the night.

Though her eyes were kind, the worry in them seemed more intense than before.

— Well, of course, there would be a difference since the person noticing is different.

From the ragged street urchin I once was to the husband I am now, Asulin’s feelings towards me have changed, and it was natural for her to feel differently. I didn’t feel regretful.

Precisely because I couldn’t believe that the husband lying next to me in bed was the same as the street urchin I used to be.

Compared to my current appearance, the me from back then looked vastly different, except for the color of my hair and eyes.

Back then, my harsh appearance, due to the lack of food and cleanliness, made it impossible to recognize me as the same person.

Given the changes in my appearance, it made sense that Asulin couldn’t distinguish between my past and present selves.

Unless someone had been with me since childhood, like Elshimer, it would be hard to think these two versions of me were the same person.

Especially since Asulin had only met me a few times in Blood Haven.

Upon regaining my memories, rather than feeling hurt that Asulin couldn’t remember the past, I felt relieved.

If she knew that I, who received the bloodline of the Paleord family, had lived as a homeless beggar wandering Blood Haven, the shock would be unimaginable.

I wish she could remain unaware of this fact forever.

“…Andy?”

— Oh, I was so engrossed in my thoughts that I didn’t notice the silence was making Asulin uneasy.

“…Are you okay?”

Asulin’s voice, usually friendly, trembled slightly as she expressed her concern.

I felt grateful for her concern, yet I also wanted to conserve my energy.

“I’m fine. I woke up from a dream, but I can’t remember what it was about, so I stayed still for a moment.”

I mixed truth and half-truths in my response, and Asulin’s reaction made me worry about how she would perceive it.

“…A dream?”

“Yeah, when I woke up, I couldn’t recall the content and spent a while trying to remember, but it was a dream I couldn’t recall.”

Her natural response as she repeated my words made the conversation flow smoothly.

Silently rising, Asulin’s expression was serious as she looked at me talking about the dream.

“…I hope it was a good dream.”

“Why?”

“Even if I forget right after waking up, it’s better to have a dream filled with happy memories than sad ones.”

Her concern, which had been evident even during my long silence, was unmistakable.

Since becoming husband and wife, we had shared various forms of affection.

But nothing compared to the joy I felt now, seeing Asulin pull me into her embrace, even if it was just to make me feel good in my sleep.

— Perhaps it’s because I realized how long our connection has been, or maybe it’s because I suddenly remembered the kindness of a noble young master who never lost his gentleness, even when seeing a ragged beggar.

“…Can you do that for me now?”

I couldn’t help but speak childishly as I watched Asulin’s warm embrace.

“…Really?”

Asulin, using a familiar tone, asked with a smile, her face lighting up.

“Ah!”

Before I could react, she pulled me into her arms with both hands.

Even though I was already awake, the faint warmth and softness she exuded made my face flush, as if it were burning.

Even though we had experienced everything as a married couple, seeing her embrace me with nothing but the desire to comfort me made me feel both joyful and shy.

Though I tried to hide my emotions, Asulin noticed.

“Andy… your shy expression is cute…”

Her eyes, reflecting my image, seemed to find me adorable.

—

Soft, truly soft.

Every touch from Asulin’s body felt like pure softness.

Even though we had shared the same bed many times since our marriage, today’s softness was unlike any other day.

Thinking of the long memories we shared together, and how her kindness, which allowed me to feel comfortable, was more pronounced today, explained the difference.

“…Do you feel a little better now?”

Asulin’s warm, unchanged voice asked from her embrace.

Lifting her face from the hug, she smiled faintly, and her expression became even more gentle.

Her warmth, so apparent in her smile, made me want to express my gratitude.

“This time, let me do it.”

I momentarily separated from Asulin, then extended my arms to pull her into my embrace.

Even though I often hugged her while sleeping, I hadn’t done it openly while awake until now.

“…Huh? Andy?”

As Asulin was pulled into my embrace, her startled voice was clear, but it quickly faded.

“…Warm.”

Surprised by the sudden situation, Asulin buried her face deep into my chest, her voice melting into a soft, almost melted sound.

After our passionate nights, Asulin’s openness about our bodies touched me, and I felt a weight lifted from my heart.

“It’s amazing… Even though your body feels firm and hard, it becomes comfortable when it touches yours.”

Asulin’s excited voice, adding to the lightness, made me feel her sincerity.

Even if I couldn’t fully understand her true feelings, the effort she put into making me feel secure with one hand on her back made me cherish the moment.

Her breaths slowly turned softer and steadier, indicating she was drifting back to sleep.

Even though she had briefly woken up, it wasn’t unusual for her to fall asleep again, given it was still early morning.

“Thank… you…”

Before falling asleep, Asulin whispered her last words to me.

She had been disturbed from her deep sleep because of me and my inability to share the truth, but she still comforted me, her lips gently touching my forehead.

“Sleep well…”

I closed my eyes, savoring the early morning, and made sure Asulin was comfortable in my embrace.

While regaining my memories brought my feelings for Asulin to new heights, the current situation made it difficult to express them fully, leaving me frustrated.

But at least, I was relieved that Asulin remained unaware of this reality.