Chapter 82

A day has passed.

Naturally, the internet was already in an uproar. There were talks of Lee Cheon everywhere. My story had already left no trace.

Perhaps to the younger generation nowadays, Lee Cheon was not a familiar person. Those who had read his books were certainly few. However, at least there were certainly not an insignificant number of people who had at least heard the name.

People who were indifferent as well as those who had some knowledge of him wouldn’t have anticipated such an event. It wasn’t a secret shared openly in a close-knit community; it was a serious crime that had truly been concealed.

As for Lee Cheon’s side, he absurdly denied all the allegations, claiming it was an outrageous slander, and dismissed everything his daughter, Lee Seon-a, said as the delusional fiction of a mentally ill person.

It was a statement that made me scoff involuntarily.

Well,

You’re a novelist.

I couldn’t predict how things would unfold from here, but surely, even with his stature, it would be difficult to survive easily amidst such a serious scandal. My own situation had become completely irrelevant now.

All the events that occurred between him and me would be buried. The only ones who knew this secret were me and Ham Yejin.

However,

There was one person who could make deductions.

The phone rang.

“…Hello.”

“It’s me.”

Even though I abruptly left my house for somewhere else, it was Professor Seo’s call, the one who had never contacted me before.

It was quite rare for Professor Seo to make the first call. Since I was silent, he didn’t rush to speak either.

“What’s… the matter?”

“I won’t make it long. The day you went out, no, the day you went to meet that guy.”

“….”

“Is that it?”

“….”

Sometimes silence conveys more than words.

“What a bastard.”

I’ve met with Professor Seo for a considerable time, but it was the first time I heard such a direct insult. It was somewhat unexpected, too. Although Professor Seo could be said to have a bad personality, he wasn’t someone who lacked integrity. But it was clear he was indeed unpleasant and also someone who didn’t show much concern for others.

“How far did it go? You didn’t go all the way, did you?”

“…Just a bit, we touched each other.”

“Ha, I let a guy like that into my house.”

It was the first time I saw Professor Seo feeling self-reproach.

“…That’s surprising.”

“What’s surprising? That I’m cursing? What do you think of me?”

“A bit of a mean-spirited teacher.”

“I admit I have a bad personality, but I’m not the kind to let something like this slide with a laugh.”

That statement was indeed correct.

“…I’ll tell you in advance, I certainly don’t think of you as an ordinary child right now. But I don’t think the current you is the same as the previous you either. You are, nevertheless, an adult, and you’re still an adult. Sure, you’ve grown a bit less. You know I’m not talking about your body, right? You’re an underdeveloped adult.”

“What do you mean all of a sudden?”

“What has changed in you is, it is inevitable that it will change. You can’t ignore that. I am still your teacher. Despite being just a teacher, I can’t help but care. I’ve treated you this way until now and I will continue to do so. So, this is the only time I’m going to say this.”

“…Yes?”

“I’m sorry.”

Again, silence.

Saying the same thing three times felt a bit much, but it happened again.

Professor Seo was expressing his emotions directly, cursing, self-reproaching, and now apologizing.

Professor Seo was a proud person. He even despised the existence of a student writing similar works to his. Because of that, he was someone who didn’t make mistakes and didn’t apologize.

“I didn’t know, but it was me who introduced you to that bastard and brought him to my house. I’m sorry.”

“…I guess there are days when I hear an apology from you, Professor.”

“Did you think I had no conscience? Apologies are never easy for me. Damn it. Anyway, just forget about it. You won’t hear such words from me again.”

“This will be recorded.”

“Damn it.”

His words were rough, but the way he spoke seemed to indicate he meant his apology genuinely.

I had never really felt the bond between a teacher and a student. The affection he had for me was because of my talent, and my admiration for him was because of his talent. Perhaps, from such a relationship built without sentiment, something remained.

“…Anyway, come over when things settle down. My wife wants to see you.”

“Ah, okay. I understand.”

“And… I don’t know why, but Eun-a asked about you.”

“Really?”

“I don’t know if she caught on to something, but she was definitely concerned. Did something happen in your tutoring sessions?”

“…Something did happen.”

“What was it?”

“It’s a secret.”

“Tch.”

Fortunately, Professor Seo didn’t pry further into Seo Eun-a’s secrets. I was relieved because I didn’t have much to say if he continued to press.

Now that both sides had nothing more to say, another brief silence passed.

“…I’m hanging up. Take care of yourself.”

“Thank you.”

The call ended.

I lay flat on my bed, staring at the ceiling. I let out a big sigh.

It was already past lunchtime, but I had no thought of eating. Although it was the weekend, Ham Yejin had gone to work again today.

The conversation I had with Ham Yejin last night was still lingering in my mind. It hadn’t disappeared, neither while I slept nor after I woke up.

Looking back, I did something truly embarrassing.

In that version of myself, I could no longer find any traces of my past self. I was emotional and pathological. It was a disgraceful spectacle that couldn’t be expressed lightly with the word “embarrassing.”

This morning, I woke up and had breakfast with Ham Yejin.

Ham Yejin got up before I did and was preparing breakfast. It was soybean paste stew. When I asked if she couldn’t cook, she said she made it by watching a YouTube video.

“…It seems a bit ruined.”

She said that, but it wasn’t really that bad. I didn’t know why there was so much meat in the soybean paste stew, but perhaps thanks to that, it tasted better than expected.

“It’s good.”

“Then that’s a relief.”

As for the rice, I had forgotten to cook it, so I used instant rice I had bought with ramen before. It wasn’t a luxurious meal, but I didn’t dislike it.

After finishing the meal, Ham Yejin hesitated and finally spoke up. It was an unlike her demeanor. She seemed to want to say something difficult and just mumbled before she finally managed to utter a complete sentence.

“…Seol-guk. I hope you won’t feel bad about this.”

“What’s going on?”

What Ham Yejin proposed to me was entirely reasonable and sensible.

“Would you consider receiving counseling?”

“…Are you talking about psychological counseling?”

“I asked about it in the documents before, but since you rejected it, I didn’t bring it up again. However, it seems you’re quite exhausted right now. I thought you might need the help of someone professional, other than me…”

Now that I think about it, I vaguely remember seeing such documents.

At that time, I was overwhelmed, and even now, in a different sense, I am still overwhelmed, which is why I had stubbornly refused. Additionally, since I had turned down the identity cleansing, it was natural that the discussion disappeared.

Psychological counseling, so, she was suggesting I visit a mental health hospital. Despite the negative connotation of the term, it wasn’t necessarily a bad suggestion.

It was indeed correct to seek treatment if one was sick. It wasn’t something particularly strange to say.

“…That…”

Even so, I couldn’t easily provide a positive answer. It wasn’t that I held any particular prejudice. However, I wasn’t sure if I could even attend counseling normally, and at the same time, I feared the changes that counseling might bring.

It was foolish to ponder what could change with just a bit of conversation, but I was too fragile at this moment that I didn’t know what could happen with a small shock.

What was contained within me always burst forth in the form of writing. I didn’t think it had kept me in a healthy state, but I believed it had allowed me to remain myself.

Right now, that was impossible.

What truly scared me was becoming a proper person.

I had already changed.

I had become a person too different from my previous self.

Yet, the intersection of my past and present selves was that I had become completely twisted and was far from being a right person.

I was originally sick.

If I were to heal that, I thought I might not even be able to return to my previous self.

“…I will think about it.”

“Thank you.”

Thus, I couldn’t utter a positive reply, nor a negative one, so I said the simplest thing in the world. I wasn’t sure if I could reach a conclusion, but at least I could postpone the time for making a choice.

Then, continuing to search for articles online, I received Professor Seo’s call, and now I was here.

Embarrassment, shame, self-reproach, self-loathing, all of it swirled around me. It was similar to the emotion commonly referred to as ‘blanket kicking’, but deeper. It wasn’t something that could be resolved with such a cute action.

Although I did kick the blankets.

Out of caution, I kept watching the news, but no new stories were coming out. This matter had truly slipped out of my hands. All I could do was watch how it would end.

So… what should I do from now on?

I couldn’t continue to stay at Ham Yejin’s place. I had to leave eventually. Since interest in me had died down, I didn’t have to worry about articles with Ji Kang-hyeon, but I couldn’t tell what would happen with the publisher. Considering what happened with Lee Cheon, it was highly likely that it would fizzle out, but it wasn’t certain.

…In any case, all I could do was write.

I didn’t know if I could properly finish a new piece, but I had to do it to survive.

That was the nature of adulthood.

I had other writings, but they weren’t publishable items; they were more like personal hobbies or close to rehabilitation training. To begin with, they were still just random thoughts that I hadn’t properly shaped into a story.

Returning home, of course, it was also Ham Yejin’s house, but if I returned home, I could go back to an ordinary routine. I still wasn’t right in the head, but I wouldn’t be for long. If you asked if I was ever right in the head, I wouldn’t have an answer.

The phone rang again. It was rare for me to receive so many phone calls. Usually, they were spam, but this time it wasn’t. It was an international call.

I sat up and checked the caller.

‘Gang Hwa-won’

I answered the call. Gang Hwa-won didn’t greet me and immediately said,

“Su-young senior called.”

…Ah.

Something I had forgotten resurfaced.

On that day, it hadn’t been only Professor Seo with me.

The one who could make deductions wasn’t just one.

There were two.

Han Su-young was there.

And that person had an incredibly keen sense.