Chapter 774

Chapter Thirty-Three: Shattered Hero Dreams

In those slightly swollen eyes with a few bloodshot threads, I saw a faint glimmer of light in the gloom, a trace of hope sprouting from helplessness and confusion. It was that feeling of wanting to desperately grab a rope when you’ve climbed up bloody hands and feet in a desperate attempt to escape from a decaying well, only to find yourself unable to climb out alone. It’s the feeling of needing someone to rely on when there’s nowhere else to go.

From his restless eyes, trembling pupils, the way he kept swallowing saliva, his gaze wandering, though he looked at my face, he couldn’t meet my eyes. From his clenched fists and rigid posture, I could see all these emotions.

Yet, “No.”

I rejected Barry without hesitation. “Why?”

In this moment, I saw his pupils widen; panic appeared on his face, and his eyes revealed a hint of fear and pleading. That look made me hesitate, as if I felt an inexplicable tremor deep within.

“I can carry your luggage, fetch things for you, start a fire, cook, hunt—I’ve learned how to hunt. You can eat whatever you want, and I’ll do everything else for you. You know I’m not afraid of hardship, and I can still fight! Though my skills might be insignificant to you, there will always be times when you don’t need to lift a finger.”

Barry spoke urgently, almost like a humble plea, like a drowning child calling out for help from someone suddenly appearing and standing on the shore.

At this moment, looking at his face, the emotion called ‘soft-heartedness’ involuntarily welled up in my eyes—though it lasted only half a second.

But I indeed felt a stirring of emotions I hadn’t experienced in a long time. I quickly averted my gaze, no longer looking at the boy’s face.

“Huh—”

I breathed out lightly, waiting for the turmoil in my heart to subside before slowly shaking my head, unmoved: “No.” “Why?”

“There’s no why. No means no.” “I won’t be a burden to you…”

“Why?”

He asked me again: “After all this time, I finally found you. Now I’ve become a rebel against the church, a sinner in people’s mouths, misled by heresy. But I was just trying so hard to become a hero…”

“I worked hard to become a knight, to serve faithfully like my father did, like Captain Williams did, to protect the children of God with everything I had. I just wanted to be a true hero, to strive to catch up with your footsteps. But why, in the end, are you unwilling to accept me anymore?”

The boy finally couldn’t hold back his emotions, and they burst forth like a dam breaking. His voice became more and more tremulous. I never turned to look at those sad, bewildered, red-rimmed eyes, but I already heard the stifled sobs, on the verge of collapse yet still trying to hold back.

“I can’t understand why, Hil. I can’t understand. I’m too scared to write to grandma now. I can’t imagine what she would feel if she knew everything. I miss her, but I’m too scared to go to her. I don’t know what to do next. I’m a wanted criminal, a sinner. I have no face to return to the village.”

…

I didn’t know what to say to him.

Whether now or in the past, I wasn’t good at comforting others.

“*You’re right. I’m selfish. What kind of heroic dream is this? I couldn’t even take care of my only family. But that’s not who I am. I didn’t do anything wrong. So, I can’t understand. Why did it turn out this way? I killed some heretics, but I ended up becoming one of them. Why…?”

For a long time, the only sound in the room was Barry’s helpless crying.

This injured boy, throwing out every question in despair and confusion, I could actually answer him, because weren’t these questions I had faced myself?

Weren’t they the questions I had asked myself countless times in the silent nights?

“Barry.”

After a long while, feeling the boy’s emotions stabilize again, I raised my hand and gently patted his shoulder. Standing up from the bed, I bent down and looked at him without blinking, then spoke sentence by sentence: “Next, I will only tell you one thing. Listen carefully.”

The boy raised his swollen, lifeless eyes.

“I understand how you feel now, because I too have gone through such times—being deceived, betrayed by those I trusted. Last year, I was in exile in the Eastern Continent, killing many people who deserved to die and many who did not. My hands are already stained with blood, so I can no longer claim to be any kind of hero.”

As I said this, memories flashed through my mind—the heroic knights of Epalistar who fought bravely but died by my hand under the blood-red sunset; the earlier times, when in the borderlands of Woodworth Forest, swords were angrily swung at me as I transformed into a monster, faces filled with hatred.

I let out a deep breath: “Perhaps from the very beginning, I never really was a hero.”

“In fact, just like you, there were many things that happened after which I didn’t know how to handle. To this day, there are still many situations where I don’t know what to do. Sometimes, I wonder if all the actions I took before were for nothing.”

“No, you’re not—” Barry tried to refute.

In his heart, I was always that dazzling and powerful figure, someone hard to catch up to—a shadow living in the imagination of a young man.

“I’m not as amazing as you think, nor am I as pure. There are many things that you don’t know now, Barry. If you can never find out about them in the future, perhaps it would be good for me.”

Pausing for a moment, seeing he had no intention of speaking again, I continued: “It’s not that I reject you, Barry. You must understand this: you and Grandma Claire are family to me. I would never abandon you. But the situation is complicated right now. There are many things I don’t want you to know about, or get involuntarily involved in.”

“That danger is beyond your ability to handle. It’s not just about carrying my luggage or getting food. And I can’t promise myself that on the day something truly dangerous happens, I will definitely have the ability to protect you. If possible, for a long time to come, I don’t want you to have any contact with me.”

“I can’t let anyone know I’m alive, especially the Church people. Do you remember? The reason why I can’t tell you now is complicated, but you must remember this: when you leave here, act as if you’ve never seen me. Pretend I died long ago. No matter who asks you, answer them like that.”

“If one day in the future, after you’ve matured and become stronger, able to gather information about me from others, and if I’m still alive, we might have another chance to meet. At that time, if you still want to do something, I won’t stop you.”

Do you understand?”

I saw the boy slowly lower his head again.

“I don’t know since when you started treating me like I don’t understand anything,” he said.

His fists, resting on his knees, remained tightly clenched, his voice filled with resentment and sorrow.