Chapter 73

It seemed that the humorous remarks had wrapped things up appropriately, but at this point, the atmosphere between Seo Eun-a and me had reached an extreme awkwardness. After a brief moment of excitement, as we regained our senses, we found ourselves in an unbearably strong state of clarity.

Ultimately, the earlier topic about Seo Eun-a’s sensual novel did not continue.

We could have talked more. Times have changed, and the world is no longer one where sensual novels are necessarily persecuted. However, it was an entirely different matter for a minor like Seo Eun-a to produce a sensual novel while preparing for her entrance exam.

Moreover, as I mentioned before, her story was much closer to pornography than literature. She herself knew that, and it was likely intended for such purposes from the outset.

Therefore, there was nothing more I could add. This was an area far removed from my own interests, even more so than genre literature.

Seo Eun-a was likely fully aware of this fact. From the start, she was merely preparing for the entrance exam for the Department of Creative Writing out of Professor Seo’s expectations, so she wouldn’t feel too disappointed.

I couldn’t predict how Professor Seo would react, but that was something Seo Eun-a would have to resolve on her own, and it was a matter I shouldn’t get involved in.

Nevertheless, I did find something, and that alone was a harvest worth noting.

The flame that Seo Eun-a pursued.

No, simply realizing that the warmth of a person existed within Seo Eun-a was enough.

I couldn’t speak openly to Professor Seo, but just conveying that fact would surely satisfy him.

In any case, I didn’t believe that Professor Seo had asked me for tutoring for Seo Eun-a’s entrance exam. All he had asked was for me to read her writing.

So I looked at Seo Eun-a’s work.

That was the end of it.

Thus, the tutoring sessions between Seo Eun-a and me could not continue. This tutoring had already achieved its purpose, resulting in a concluded story.

Seo Eun-a likely understood that well, which is why she chose not to discuss further.

However, it felt awkward to simply say goodbye and end things here.

I had a strange feeling that I shouldn’t let the story end in such a manner.

In the end, it was I who broke the silence. As the elder, it seemed fitting for me to take the lead.

“…Um, can I ask you something?”

“…Go ahead.”

“What was that thing about pajamas?”

“I don’t think I made it particularly difficult to understand; perhaps your comprehension is lacking.”

“…You made it confusing. You suddenly said you hated them but then said it was fine.”

“That’s true.”

“Why is that?”

“Um, honestly, isn’t it natural to dislike it? Just think about how a high school girl would feel seeing a man about ten years older than her wearing pajamas she used to wear as a child.”

“I understand that, but then why did you say it was fine?”

“Oh, can I be honest?”

“Since when have you been polite?”

“Well, it did feel quite uncomfortable, to be honest.”

“Quite?”

“A bit.”

Why was she taking so long to respond? Seo Eun-a hesitated for a moment before eventually giving in to my prodding and opened her mouth. I instantly regretted asking.

“It was cute.”

“….”

“Regardless of the essence of the matter, it was visually cute, and looking at it made me forget it was a man. I thought, isn’t this okay? It felt a bit like having a younger sister.”

“Stop talking.”

“Of course, you wouldn’t know, but I raised Jae-Ah when he was a baby. But as he grew, the limits of being a boy became evident, and he started reading those weird, grotesque books. It was instinctively unpleasant, but I kept thinking about that image of him wearing my pajamas, and it seemed a bit okay.”

“Stop.”

“I like children. People grow up and become grotesque, their heads get heavy, they get grounded in reality, and quickly become damaged. But kids are still pure. Anyway, I liked them, but when I saw you, it seemed like it’s alright as long as the appearance is cute.”

“No, really.”

“I’ve been thinking about this for a while, but your skin is truly extraordinary. It’s like baby skin, and the cheeks seem super soft, like something you’d find in a high-end boutique. My sister collects dolls, and it feels somewhat similar to that.”

“Stop.”

“Honestly, I saw a broadcast before where the atmosphere was kind of moody, but your usual expression has slightly upward-turned eyes that look a bit fierce. Still, your overall face seems gentle, and if you relaxed your expression, you’d look even better. I prefer docile types. Your hair color isn’t that old-man gray but has a clean feeling, which makes you much more attractive. It’s definitely a rare hair color in reality, so it feels unique.”

“Stop it!”

“Okay, I’ll stop teasing you.”

Seo Eun-a, who had been babbling on about my appearance for a long time, finally stopped after I raised my voice. It was clear that she was doing it on purpose, and she even admitted it herself.

My face was burning. Why was I feeling this heat?

After all, it was my first time hearing such things.

I had heard the word “cute” many times before, but my acquaintances were sensible people and never offered such an overwhelming compliment. They knew I wouldn’t like it.

Those I met in a professional capacity only evaluated my appearance to use it as a weapon; they were not actually complimenting me. The person who had evaluated my looks the most before this was Ji Kang-hyeon when we first met, and even then, it was not as openly stated.

However, Seo Eun-a was someone entirely different from anyone I had seen before.

From initial impressions and the stories I heard, I thought of her as just a high school girl with a bad personality. But to box her in that kind of evaluation would be to simplify the complexity of a person.

Seo Eun-a said she hated men. And she said she hated women as well. Listening to her, it didn’t seem wrong to think that way.

In fact, I had thought the same while reading her novel.

Her stories do not feature ‘adults.’ There are no fully formed characters who are either women or men. All the characters are still immature, children who haven’t reached adulthood, or ones who cannot or have not. They go through trials but do not grow.

Seo Eun-a’s writings reflected that she despised growth.

Growing up is tragically unpleasant.

In other words, that was what it was about.

Seo Eun-a hated ‘men,’ ‘women,’ and ‘adults.’

What Seo Eun-a liked was, in the end, only young children.

Thus, Seo Eun-a was not just a high school girl with a bad personality.

Seo Eun-a was a high school girl with a ‘terribly bad’ personality.

So there were no rough edges with Seo Eun-a. She didn’t choose her words for my feelings or my condition. She simply spoke her mind without any filtering. Seo Eun-a did not concern herself with me.

Because she had a bad personality.

Usually, when someone calls me cute, it’s just playful teasing.

Receiving such a genuine, or rather excessively strong evaluation and praise for my appearance was practically a first.

For this reason, I became fully aware, for the first time, of how I appeared to others.

Not the kind of comments made on the internet, but something I realized through someone alive in front of me.

My head felt hot, as if I was flushing. I couldn’t comprehend what was happening, but I felt embarrassed.

This embarrassment stemmed from an undefined question.

Surely, this was the first time hearing such things. It was embarrassing. Why was it embarrassing? What was?

What had I thought about women’s appearances up to now?

I had fully understood that a woman’s appearance is a weapon. For a woman, beauty was a means of survival.

Everything, from a woman’s rise in status, success, and happiness, sprang from her appearance.

I did not ridicule that reality. It’s only natural for ‘weaker’ beings to curry favor with someone for survival. Clinging to those stronger than oneself, a brutally cruel yet highly rational means of survival.

Aside from that, I merely pitied the baseless situations set in motion since birth, where one can survive only by flattering others and being cute.

Thus, this praise regarding my appearance had to affect me.

Because, undeniably, this praise that should have made me uncomfortable did not feel bad.

There had been times in the past where I received compliments about my looks from silly girls who barely knew me, but at that time, it simply felt unpleasant.

Now, it should be no different.

In fact, it wouldn’t be strange to feel even more discomfort.

The compliments I received earlier were of a different essence than the superficial or teasing ‘cute’ I’d heard before. It didn’t feel good at all. While it wasn’t altogether negative, I couldn’t decipher it. A clear sense of discomfort intertwined with an unknown feeling.

The fact that this bewildering feeling was not bad, that it wasn’t unpleasant at all, made it all too unpleasant and unbearably embarrassing.

I had heard what I needed to hear.

I stood up from my seat.

“The tutoring is over. I’m leaving now.”

“Okay. Take care.”

Seo Eun-a saw me off without saying a word of apology or gratitude. I didn’t expect such words, but somehow it irritated me. As I opened the door to leave, Seo Eun-a said,

“By the way, why is your face red again?”

Without answering, I slammed the door shut.

Thus, Saturday ended. I still hadn’t received a reply from Ham Yejin.

~

On Sunday, Jae-Ah said there was some gaming event she wanted to attend and would be back late at night. The Madame had a meeting, so she went out, and it seemed Seo Eun-a also had some errands to run and was not home.

Strangely enough, I was the only guest left in Professor Seo’s house. To pass the time, I stacked the comic books I had brought from Jae-Ah’s room and started reading. It was an old comic with a rough art style that I had been reading before, and I was honestly enjoying it quite a bit.

I particularly liked the impressive development of a villain who, despite dying in the middle, left a strong impression. The line where he burned a woman’s face while dismissing moral criticism toward himself as a man in battle was, in some sense, profoundly moving.

In any case, I felt somewhat stabilized mentally, being able to read comics so peacefully. Until I came here, I had been in a state of undeniable anxiety. It seemed a bit strange that just being in a safe place could improve my condition.

Perhaps it was the conversation I had with Seo Eun-a. That ridiculous scene might have helped overshadow some of my memories.

No one returned to Professor Seo’s house by the time dinner rolled around. Thankfully, Madame had prepared some side dishes that could be heated up, so I was able to manage dinner without any trouble.

After finishing dinner and cleaning the table, I heard the sound of the door lock being entered. Since the first daughter was at a dormitory hospital, it must be one of the other four. If it were anyone else, it wouldn’t matter, but I should at least greet Professor Seo or the Madame.

I wiped my wet hands after washing them and walked toward the front door. The moment matched perfectly as the door opened, and a strong smell of alcohol rushed in. Given this scent, it was likely just Professor Seo. As soon as the door opened and a person stepped in, I spoke up.

“Welcome—”

However, my greeting couldn’t even get halfway out before it was abruptly cut off, and I froze in place.

“Uh, mm.”

It was indeed Professor Seo who staggered in, clearly drunk. However, he couldn’t manage his own body well, and there was someone supporting him.

It was a person I recognized from before.

A man dressed neatly in a monochrome modernized hanbok.

I had been foolish.

This place was not safe.