Creak-.
Soeun Yu trudged back to the Namgung estate, weak and drained. With so much to think about, ironically, she found herself blankly staring into space, unable to form any coherent thoughts. The reality waiting for her was too harsh to bear.
“Hmmnnyah…”
She was greeted by Su-a Namgung, who had returned earlier and fallen asleep. Even in her sleep, Su-a’s face seemed troubled, lacking its usual brightness.
Seeing this, Soeun’s heart ached.
…
Without uttering a word, Soeun took off her damp clothes and laid them out in the room. Just two undergarments, a thin outer garment, and the coat Byul Rak had lent her.
Seeing these, tears threatened to well up in her eyes, but she held them back by looking up at the ceiling.
Now she had to stand on her own…
For the sake of Su-a, sound asleep before her.
‘I need to get stronger.’
As she dried her naked body with a towel, Soeun quietly resolved.
‘I’ve always leaned on others, haven’t I?’
When she was young, she relied on her sect.
As an adult, she depended on her husband.
It was her turn now to be the one providing support.
But…
Doing it all alone, being strong by herself… The thought brought up so many negative and lonely words that Soeun’s brows furrowed.
‘Can I really do this?’
Her self-esteem had hit rock bottom. If it had been easy to make such resolutions, she wouldn’t have ended up in this situation in the first place.
No, she had to do this. She couldn’t think about herself. She had to think about Su-a.
Thinking of her daughter, Soeun felt a new strength, though it was forced and fleeting.
She felt utterly drained after everything that had just happened. Her body and mind felt oppressively heavy. The stone of despair in her chest wouldn’t budge.
‘I’m supposed to be her pillar…’
Perhaps because of this, Soeun slowly pressed her face against Su-a’s chest. Though she knew she shouldn’t, Su-a was asleep and wouldn’t know.
This small transgression.
Sniff-
“Hmmnyah…”
Soeun wrapped her arms around Su-a’s back, just as Su-a often did to her. Now in the reverse position, Soeun finally understood why Su-a liked being held so much.
“Haah…”
It felt comforting.
And yet…
‘This child is still so young…’
She could feel how underdeveloped and slender Su-a’s chest and back were.
“Sniff…”
She was so thin that when Soeun wrapped her arms around her, there was still room for one more forearm.
How embarrassing it felt to lean on her like this.
The direct heir of Great Namgung House?
The descendant of the Sword Sage?
The greatest prodigy of the martial world, Thunderflower Namgung Su-a?
Those were just labels from people who only saw one side of her. The girl embracing her now was simply a young child longing for parental love.
“Mmmn…”
Su-a mumbled in her sleep. Soeun’s ears perked up.
“I don’t remember…”
“…”
“Those times when everyone was smiling and laughing with Dad and Mom…”
Su-a’s voice was soft and dreamlike.
“Now I can’t remember anymore…”
Soeun’s heart shattered hearing this.
Overwhelmed by the sorrow, Soeun slowly crawled up closer.
Cling-
Holding Su-a tightly against her chest, she kissed her forehead and whispered secretly.
“Mom made a mistake…”
Expressing her feelings as sincerely as possible.
“I’m sorry, it’s all Mom’s fault…”
Deep in her thoughts, she kept thinking about her ex-husband.
“I’ve done wrong, Cheolbin…”
She squeezed out more tears despite having thought she had cried herself dry.
“Please… please come back…”
Of course, she had to cry silently to avoid waking Su-a.
*
Crunch, crunch.
Byul Rak’s footsteps crunched through the snow.
Walking roughly and unevenly, he trudged on.
The Taewon Jin estate was already far behind, yet he kept walking.
Crunch, crunch.
Then suddenly, Byul Rak stopped in front of a tree blocking his path.
It was quite a large tree, about the width of a human body.
“Aaaauuugh…!”
Standing in front of it, Byul Rak let out an odd sound that was hard to tell if it was crying or laughing.
Swoosh-
He removed the ‘mask’ he had been wearing this whole time.
The irritation, anger, and various negative emotions on his forehead disappeared.
Instead, his face was filled with the same tearful expression Soeun had just shown.
The instant change demonstrated that his previous expression was artificially forced.
“Exactly… why are you all like this…”
As Byul Rak leaned his forehead against the tree,
“Why can’t you all just be happy when we’ve finally made a world worth living in…”
A tear dropped down from his pain-filled eyes.
He was incredibly frustrated.
Yok Hwa, Soeun.
The people he had fought with all his might to save were now saying they couldn’t go on living.
The frustration turned into heartbreak.
“Huuuuh, uhh, uuugh…”
Clutching the tree with both hands, Byul Rak sobbed silently.
“I told you to leave, and you left without a fight… So why can’t you be happy? You all should be fine living without me…”
Recalling Soeun’s earlier desperate pleading, Byul Rak couldn’t help but feel pity and sympathy for her.
“…Damn, was I too gentle earlier…?”
The anger from being abandoned and then sought out again?
The pleasure and satisfaction from seeing someone who rejected him now groveling?
He couldn’t deny such emotions existed.
Humans aren’t one-dimensional creatures after all, getting caught up in various complex emotional whirlwinds is natural.
However, all those negative and immoral emotions…
“Haa… Shit, shitshitshit.”
Vanished the moment he saw Soeun’s broken state, melting away like snow in the sun.
They couldn’t compare to the precious people’s mental collapses he had just witnessed.
“Shit… damn shit…”
No matter how much karma he had accumulated, no matter how much he hated them.
The bonds formed over countless years of living together weren’t so easily severed.
After all, if he could forgive Yok Hwa once, why couldn’t he do the same for Soeun?
The insults hurled at him when he was kicked out of Namgong House? He wasn’t petty enough to dwell on them after she had already apologized.
If anything, he was rather forgiving.
But precisely because of that, he had to remain cold.
“Seonah… please… just…”
Yok Hwa and Soeun wanted different things.
Yok Hwa was a close friend.
He had forgiven her and would continue to maintain that friendship.
However, Soeun was a distinct ‘wife’.
Actually, the title of wife wasn’t that important.
The problem was her desire for ‘reconciliation’.
Grinding-
Byul Rak’s teeth clenched forcefully together, creating a harsh sound.
“Just… can’t you live happily ever after forgetting someone like me…”
With a loud crack, a piece of the tree broke off in his tightening grip.
Staring at his now clenched fist, Byul Rak slowly ran his hand over his chest.
Swish, swish-
Desperately searching for something.
But his hand found nothing but his clothing.
Realizing this, Byul Rak
Crackle!
“Damn it, damn it, damn it! What the hell!!”
Shouted out in a voice bordering on a scream, while tearing open his clothes.
Revealing his well-toned chest.
Fumblingly-
Like how Soeun had earlier pleaded by rubbing her hands together, Byul Rak vigorously rubbed his chest.
He squeezed, scratched his skin until it bled, desperately searching for something inside.
However, his hand came up empty after this frantic search.
All that remained were a few drops of blood and pieces of torn flesh.
“That damn ‘love’ I’ve been looking for is nowhere to be found.”
That was the problem.
Soeun longed for love.
But he couldn’t give her that love.
Because that last shred of love he clung to had shattered the day he was kicked out of Namgong House.
It wasn’t just Soeun.
“Damn it, why isn’t my heart beating faster… Isn’t that at least supposed to happen when she wants to meet again!”
He couldn’t experience that flutter or excitement when meeting a woman that he had long been afflicted with.
Not with Yok Hwa.
Not with Gayoung Jin either.
But it was fine being with them.
Because Gayoung saw him as a servant and support.
Because Yok Hwa saw him as a close friend.
Not as a romantic partner.
“Damn, damn. Why now…”
Initially, Soeun was pretty much the last woman left in the world for him.
Though the love he felt for her was more like an artificially squeezed-out residue he was barely maintaining, she was the only one he still had some semblance of love for.
However, the day he was kicked out of Namgong House.
Precisely, the moment Soeun told him “I regret marrying you so much I could go mad,”
That last remaining shred of emotion scattered into dust.
“No grudges remain.”
There were no grudges against someone who had walked the path of suffering for over ten thousand years.
Of course, they weren’t completely gone, but forgiveness wasn’t difficult for Byul Rak.
The reason he couldn’t feel love for Soeun was purely because of ‘reality.’
Affection, pity, sympathy – none of these could be called romantic love.
“…No, Seonin can do this.”
That was why he couldn’t accept her proposal.
Because he couldn’t give her love, no matter what he did.
He wanted to, but he couldn’t.
He knew his own mental state best.
Jin Gayoung’s comatose state was just an excuse.
If they truly needed to reunite, he could have called them to him.
Namgung Su-a and Jin Gayoung were close in age, they could possibly become good friends.
The problem was his ex-wife, Soeun.
“It just takes some time, that’s all.”
Accepting her would be for the best.
Indeed, it would be ideal for him. Despite the twists and turns, he would finally get to live with his longed-for family.
Namgong Su-a goes without saying.
“I must be too busy right now, that’s all.”
But Soeun wouldn’t be able to be simply happy.
At first, it would just be good.
Namgong Su-a’s condition would improve, and with his newly freed time, he would be able to stay by her side all day.
A honeymoon-like atmosphere would form, and peace would come to the family.
However, as time passed and their lives together continued:
She would gradually realize it.
That he didn’t see her as a woman.
No, that he couldn’t see her as one.
He was aware of this fact.
He didn’t have the ability to love Soeun.
“Haah, haah… Damn, damn! DAMN!!”
She would deny it.
Won’t she say she’s giving love?
Won’t she mention the kisses and embraces?
Won’t she bring up how they would share the bedroom at night?
She would try to convince herself, trying to ignore the looming terrible truth.
“Please… forget about me and live…”
But eventually, she would come to understand.
That no matter what actions he took, he couldn’t give her the love she wanted.
When that realization comes, she will break far worse than now.
She will shatter, fall apart completely.
That mustn’t happen.
“Breaking down is enough with just me.”
Yes, it was enough that only he broke down.
He had pushed himself for her sake, but he couldn’t bear to see her crumbling too.
That’s why.
Being cruelly cold to Soeun, without leaving any room for reconsideration wasn’t because Byul Rak didn’t know that Soeun wasn’t someone whose love could fade so easily.
“…”
Byul Rak began searching for the root cause of Soeun’s breakdown.
There were various reasons.
His absence is… well, that was unavoidable, so he hoped she would forget about it and move on.
“Because of Su-a’s deterioration and the instability in the household.”
The gradual collapse of Namgong Su-a was, in fact, also due to his absence.
“Su-a meeting me isn’t a problem.”
Fortunately, Namgong Su-a wanted a “father,” similar to how Jin Gayoung longed for an “uncle.”
So if he became a father figure to her, things would likely improve on their own.
Next… her position within the clan.
This was a somewhat complicated issue.
Though the cause was singular.
“Namgung Bin.”
The reason Soeun became isolated within the clan was that all power of the Namgong family was in the hands of Namgung Bin, who had become the head of the family.
Soeun was not incompetent.
During the war when he was active as the Sword Sage and Namgung Bin served as a military officer in the martial arts alliance, she had truly led the Namgong household as its mother. That wasn’t just a facade.
But Namgung Bin, who was part of the alliance’s army, was beyond her capability to handle.
Ultimately, if Namgung Bin were removed, Soeun would naturally be able to take control of the Namgong family.
“Namgung Bin… I need to deal with that bastard.”
Strangely, he has called Namgung Bin “younger brother” from a long time ago, but for some reason, the title doesn’t come out now.
“If only Seonin can live well without me.”
Infinite compassion and sympathy welled up from his throat into his voice.
Though the fire of love in his heart has turned to ashes, moving for others was something extremely familiar to Byul Rak.
“Seonin being able to stand on her own… Hah!”
Suddenly, his own appearance made him laugh, but he quickly forgot about it.
“Phuh, phuh, hah hah hah!”
Still, the bitter laughter that pricked at himself continued to burst out.
Though the love has turned cold and transformed into ashes, his heart that worries for his wife remains unchanged, making him feel both pitiful and secretly proud.
This awareness made him remember his downfall and his smile quickly faded.
“…”
This world is not a novel.
Righteousness triumphing and goodness being rewarded are the contents of stories sold in the marketplace.
A broken family regaining happiness after overcoming all sorts of trials is possible because someone endures and sacrifices to that extent.
Byul Rak was prepared to take on that role.
To sacrifice once more for his family’s happiness.
“Hahaha…”
Still, he felt good.
After all, his wife had come back to him, no matter the reason.
He could feel that feeling of “being loved” that he only felt with Jin Gayoung once again.
If one day in the future, she completely forgets about him, perhaps they can meet carefully as “close friends.” He harbored this simple hope.
Swoosh-
Byul Rak’s gaze swept around carefully.
Turning his steps back toward the Taewon Jin estate, he walked on.
As he walked, his steps suddenly stopped.
It was when he reached near the Mount Hua Sect’s quarters.
“Come in.”
“Yes, yes! I will enter!”
The solemn voice of the Mount Hua Sect’s Elder Dokgo Gupae, the Sect Leader, and the frightened voice of White Flower.
Quietly, and secretly,
Byul Rak pressed his ear against the wall to eavesdrop on their conversation.
