Chapter 66

“…It seems like I’ve been fainting a lot lately.”

Fainting from shock wasn’t exactly a pleasant experience.

Especially that uniquely unpleasant sensation when you faint—it didn’t seem like something you could ever get used to.

“You’re acting like some frail young lady.”

“Well, he is the brother of that frail young lady, so it’s not entirely wrong. Anyway…”

I glanced around and shot Kyle a resentful look.

“Why did you bring me to the cathedral instead of my place? Were you planning to hold a funeral while you were at it?”

“When someone collapses, you don’t think about where to lay them down first, do you?”

“Maybe not where to lay them down, but you should at least check who’s around.”

Father Camille, Cecilia, and even the old man who shared bread—it seemed like all the important people in the village had gathered.

“Lord Raul, are you really alright…?”

Unlike Father Camille, who knew my condition well, Cecilia was unaware that I was on borrowed time.

It wasn’t like I could casually mention that I was terminally ill, that if my body was under too much stress, the poison could spread to my nerves and knock me out, or that other parts of my body were starting to fail. That would be too shocking.

It seemed better to keep my mouth shut. The only problem was that I couldn’t think of a suitable explanation.

“Actually…”

“I heard everything from that man who claimed to be your subordinate.”

It seemed my consideration was wasted.

“Since you were frail since childhood, you often fainted on the battlefield… To think you volunteered for the battlefield with such a body… I was shocked to hear it.”

It seemed better to just let it go.

When I glared at him, Kyle avoided my gaze and started whistling.

“…I realized something important in the capital. Since everyone’s here, I might as well announce it.”

I originally planned to keep it to myself, but to be thorough, it seemed better to let everyone know.

And since Cecilia was here, I decided to avoid being too casual.

“No matter how much I live according to my parents’ wishes, it ultimately means nothing. Pouring water into a bottomless jar only wets my feet along with the bottom. So, it’s better to just use the water as I see fit.”

I no longer intended to play the role of a stoic and benevolent family head.

I planned to free my suppressed desires and do what I wanted.

I wouldn’t live with my head bowed, swept away by the currents others created.

“…From now on, I plan to ignore the etiquette and manners that bound me. Useless formalities like greetings or how to place a fork during a meal—I’ll throw them away. A greeting or a meal is just that.”

“Huh?”

I wouldn’t waste time worrying about such things. I’d greet people as I pleased, eat as I pleased, and breathe as I pleased.

“From now on, I’ll be clear about my preferences when it comes to meals or drinks. I’ll avoid foods or drinks I dislike as much as possible.”

“…Lord Raul?”

I wouldn’t force myself to eat things I didn’t like, as I did at home. I wouldn’t just tear into bland bread because of them. I too had the right to enjoy things I liked.

“Now, if I’m insulted, I’ll retaliate. If someone picks a fight, I’ll respond. If something is taken from me, I won’t just stand by and watch.”

When I broke the leg of a noble child who mocked Rizel, my mother beat my calves until ten canes broke.

At the time, I thought it was my fault and let it go, but if faced with the same choice now, I’d break his leg again.

Even if that young master is one of the better nobles now. Noah Mulbred, was it? He’s just a generic guy doing his job as an inspector. Of course, even such generic people are rare in the Empire.

“And from now on, I’ll leave the cleanup of my messes to Kyle or the maid. I have the right to order them around.”

Everyone who heard my bold declaration started avoiding my gaze.

It seemed my declaration was too decadent for a noble, shocking everyone. Even Father Camille covered his eyes, trying to avoid my gaze.

Kyle even sighed. His disappointment must have been immense, seeing his superior make such a decadent declaration.

“Back in the army, he used to treat people so harshly… Did he learn this there…?”

But even if he was disappointed, my resolve wouldn’t change.

From now on, I’ll live as I please. I won’t force myself to eat things I dislike, endure insults while holding a cane, or let someone slap me for picking up a fallen quill.

All of that was my mother, and her shadow followed me everywhere, binding me like a shackle. But now, I won’t be bound by such things.

“And from now on, I won’t deeply involve myself in village affairs. Unless it’s dealing with monsters or bandits. Lifting a fallen cart? I’ll leave that to Kyle.”

Passing off my duties to others wasn’t exactly becoming of a lord. But I also wanted to read books, enjoy cheese and wine, and nap in the warm sunlight.

Even if I were criticized as a corrupt lord, I planned to do those things. I wanted to face the things I had suppressed, the things I had turned away from, the things I truly wanted to do. The shackles that bound me were gone now.

I wanted to use my time for myself, even if it meant becoming a slightly corrupt lord.

“…Lord Raul. If you need help, just let me know. Even if I have to reschedule, I’ll assist you.”

Finally, I stood up and spoke to Father Camille.

“…And from now on, I won’t be attending weekend services.”

I wasn’t particularly devout, but since I was baptized, I occasionally prayed.

“Lord Raul, that’s a bit much. Only those who live in the north don’t pray…”

“I usually sleep late. Weekend services are too harsh for someone like me. From now on, I’ll schedule things for my sake, not for honor or God. So, I’ll visit during the week instead.”

It might seem like I was disregarding the church, but I didn’t want something so trivial to disrupt my peace.

When I was about five, I threw a tantrum because I didn’t want to attend services. My mother beat me until my hands bled, calling me barbaric.

Now that I’m free from such things, I plan to attend services when I have free time during the week. God would probably prefer the prayers of someone with a clear mind over the ramblings of a half-asleep person.

“…Are you really a noble?”

Father Camille even began to doubt my status due to my arrogant declaration.

“See me as you wish. Others’ opinions won’t affect me anymore.”

As I was about to leave, I approached the old man who had given me bread.

“Old man.”

I took out a box containing two rings from my pocket and handed it to him.

“Wear them with your wife. It’s a token of gratitude for the bread you gave me.”

It was a magical tool that reduced bone and muscle pain. It was a bit pricey, but I wanted to indulge in such luxuries now.

I never hesitated to spend money on hiring people, but I was frugal with objects. But now, even if it’s something worth two gold coins, I’ll buy it without hesitation.

“Hoho… Should an old man like me accept such a thing…?”

“You showed me kindness. No reward is too great for that.”

And now, I plan to try being arrogant like other nobles. Even those without substance act so arrogantly, so I have the right to be a bit arrogant too.

My mother tried to diminish everything about me, as if I were some shameful secret. No, I am her shameful secret. A very big one at that.

If inflating myself means enlarging my mother’s shame, then I’ll gladly become arrogant.

I almost smiled. It might have been a bit excessive, but it was enough to shed the image of a stoic pushover.

And those who saw me began whispering among themselves.

“Clearly, his upbringing wasn’t ideal…”

“What could make a person like that…”

“Oh, God…”

“Everyone, I know this guy. He’s always been like this. Even on the battlefield, he treated lives so carelessly…”

I didn’t know exactly, but it didn’t seem like a cheerful conversation.

But my flaws would soon be directed at my mother, who made me this way, so I didn’t feel too bad.

It felt like a cool breeze in the heat, like taking a breath of air when suffocating, like drinking a cool glass of water when parched.

What should I call this feeling?

I’ll figure it out gradually. Such good feelings are probably things I don’t need to kill.

Come to think of it, I also bought dried fruits for the crow. I wonder how it will react. I can only hope the crow likes it.