It is truly a strange occurrence.
Until Jin Gayoung fell unconscious and was speaking with the Heavenly Lord, I was bursting with uncontainable anger.
To the extent that a somewhat bizarre impulse to destroy everything in sight had taken over my mind.
However, as I conversed with Jade Flower and listened to her heartfelt words of repentance…
I started to feel better. Not naturally, but suddenly, like that.
It’s as if… the anger wasn’t suppressed, but rather flowed away smoothly.
But then, when I saw her trying to throw herself into danger…
“Sword Sage… why are you so… excited?”
The anger that had flowed away now surged back into my mind.
An anger far greater and more intense than before.
I think I understand the reason.
It wasn’t because of Gayoung’s unconscious state that I was angry in the first place.
That was just a trigger.
It was because of all the pain I’ve endured from my past lives and the treatment I received after it all ended, the humiliations, etc., that I was angry.
As I think about it this way, it all makes sense.
The reason I was so angry at the Heavenly Lord who excluded me,
that I calmed down after Jade Flower truly repented and apologized to me,
and now I’m angry again at her trying to die while disregarding me…
It’s all because I was at the center of everything.
“Death… hahaha… ahahaha…”
Of course, I know it wasn’t because Jade Flower disrespected me and tried to die.
She doesn’t know I’m a time traveler.
She’s an ignorant mortal who has only seen one aspect of the world.
In her worldview, death is the ultimate punishment and the best atonement she can offer herself.
However, knowing other circumstances doesn’t change how I feel.
Seeing this, I realize how selfish I truly am.
“Jade Flower.”
“…Speak.”
“Is your wish for death so strong?”
“I have no reason to live.”
Jade Flower delivered this dramatic statement in a calm tone.
Considering her values, this isn’t odd.
After all, she’s someone who would risk her life to uphold her beliefs and came to me.
To her, punishing her own body for her beliefs is, in a way, natural.
Though it’s an unwelcome sentiment for me.
“You’ve chewed your lips too much. They’re cracked.”
“A sinner like me deserves this heavenly punishment…”
“Wow, you really want to die, don’t you?”
“My heart is so heavy…”
“So what do you intend to do about it?”
“I can’t bear the thought of breathing as someone like me. The very existence of me as a sinner makes me feel sick.”
“…”
“Seeing myself reminds me of the demon who killed my parents…”
“You’ve fallen into a swamp of self-loathing. Once you’re in, it’s hard to get out.”
Blood dripped from her lips while tears rolled down from her eyes. Ordinarily, I would have felt pity seeing this, but today, I just feel irritated.
“Are you trying to ask for my forgiveness? Or maybe beg for sympathy?”
“…Don’t you know it’s not?”
I suddenly wonder if she’s mocking me.
Of course, I know that’s not her intent. It’s her guilt. She’s so consumed by guilt that she wants to keep hurting herself.
Still, I feel my mood get worse.
An insignificant gesture makes me even angrier.
It feels like she’s ignoring me.
“Huh.”
I keep getting angry.
“Jade Flower, if you really want to die…”
“…?”
“I’ll kill you properly then.”
“…”
Humans’ moods change so suddenly. I knew there was something wrong with my mental state, but I didn’t realize it was this bad.
“I will take what I gave you.”
“…Do it then. Please.”
Jade Flower placed her hands neatly on her knees, closed her eyes, and tilted her left cheek to me.
“Go ahead… please kill me.”
It seems like you’re asking me to smack your pale cheek to death.
It would only take a single strike from me to sever her breath.
Krrk.
As I clenched my fists, a considerable strength surged through me, though not as strong as before.
I’m sure Jade Flower would definitely die if my fist hit her now.
“…”
“…Sword Sage. Or Cheolbin…”
With her lips firmly biting her own sleeve, Jade Flower turned to me with a pitiful look.
“Why are you doing this?”
Answering while pulling my fist back towards my waist with considerable force.
“As painfully as possible.”
“…”
“Make my beatings as painful as possible… please kill me.”
“I understand.”
Creeeak.
With the sound of my fist preparing, Jade Flower quietly closed her eyes.
She looked like a composed gentleman accepting death.
“Your wish can be fulfilled, and my anger resolved… it’s mutually beneficial.”
“…Thank you.”
The side of Jade Flower’s face she cut herself on was the right side, so the left cheek offered to me was as pristine as if it harmonized with the surroundings.
Falling snowflakes and closed eyes with peeking white eyebrows make a curious harmony.
There was a time when Jade Flower called me her ’emotional scapegoat.’
It’s exactly like this now. Except that the emotions have taken form as fists and the roles have flipped.
Of course, a single blow wouldn’t erase all the humiliations endured throughout her long time… but…
“Thank you so much.”
Toward the face of Jade Flower kneeling before me, I strike my fist as if to throw it.
There’s emotion in it, but the fist doesn’t waver.
I’m killing her, the one I saved.
Though it’s not a pleasant feeling, there’s a sense of relief as if the anger is dissipating.
…
Whoosh!
Namgung Cheolbin’s fist is incoming.
I’ll probably be dead soon.
They say when a person faces death, their life flashes before their eyes.
I feel like my life is flashing before me now.
Especially the words the Sword Sage once said come to mind.
– It’s terrifying. Killing people.
I didn’t understand that back then. I wasn’t knowledgeable enough about such matters.
– The more you kill, the more people feel like mere clay figurines.
I still don’t fully understand that now. He’s still a mysterious person with secrets I will probably never know about if I die like this.
– Breaking clay figurines is easy. They break with just a flick of the hand. Confucius said one shouldn’t break even clay figurines…
I always thought I was strong. Even when I reached the status of an unparalleled master and earned the title of the ‘First Woman of the Central Plains,’ I thought I was strong.
– But there’s something even harder than breaking those things. They’re too fragile… killing them is not easy, but protecting them is even harder. They die with just a flick of the hand, and it consumes so much time.
I didn’t understand those words back then. Even now, I can’t understand the last part.
However, I think I understand the meaning of the ‘figurines’ and ‘protecting’ he spoke about.
“I’m… just a figurine.”
What he protected was me.
From the Martial Arts Alliance, from the Blood Cult…
Whoosh!
His punch is almost here, devoid of inner energy.
Of course, whether he uses energy or not, the result is decided. Even if I hadn’t sealed my energy, it probably wouldn’t have changed anything.
We are on completely different levels.
“Haa…”
As I slowly open my eyes, his dark pupils enter my blurred vision.
A look so empty of emotion, so utterly void.
Even though I’m the one waiting for death, I oddly feel pity for him.
Like a lonely outcast with no one around.
Like a pitiful outcast who shares no emotions with anyone.
Suddenly, another memory flashes before my eyes.
“Jade Flower.”
This time it’s the monk who gave me the most distress.
“To even giants, no matter how impressive people may seem…”
I didn’t understand why he told me that back then.
But now, I get it.
“They may just be outward appearances. What looks like iron on the outside might be just like us… pitiful sentient beings. Don’t take it to heart. Hear it with one ear and let it go with the other.”
The monk knew.
“Should you happen to meet such a person, it may feel awkward, but please, despite the trouble, express some love. Embrace them with compassion, wrap them in affection.”
About the Sword Sage, and his secrets unknown to me…
“Isn’t that our role? Monks and Taoists? To save and lead such pitiable sentient beings, hahaha.”
The monk I always fought with.
During the war, I rejected his words.
And for three years after the war, I wrestled with demons.
Only now, at the end, do I admit.
You were right. Your words held the truth I should have pursued.
Even though it’s too late.
Suddenly, the truth I only knew intellectually now feels real – regrets are always too late, however early they come.
As my vision fills with Namgung Cheolbin’s fist, death is truly near.
Bang!
The sound of air splitting is heard.
“…?”
…Is that the sound of air splitting?
Not the sound of my skull being crushed?
“Che…olbin…?”
His punch stopped right in front of my eyes.
Quivering, as if hesitating.
…Why?
As I sent a questioning gaze, he spoke while trembling.
“Jade Flower.”
There was no more killing intent in his voice.
“Apparently, I can’t kill you.”
Though he said he would take what he gave.
Why can’t he kill me? I was about to ask when he spoke first.
“You are my flower.”
“…?”
A flower… isn’t that something young people say when confessing their feelings?
“The flower that I nurtured, raised, and saved.”
“Again… you’re saying something I don’t understand.”
“If it looked withering, I watered it. If its color faded, I gave it sunlight. If the soil was bad, I replaced it with fresh soil. When the wind blew, I made a windbreak.”
“…”
The kind of ‘flower’ he’s talking about is different from what is commonly said.
He seems to be saying something about protecting it with great care, though his words are incomprehensible, the emotion in his speech is too profound to fail to resonate.
“Though the material of this flower is jade, so saying it requires little care would be a lie.”
“…”
“Despite this, it was good that it remained steadfast against the wind and storms. But when hail came down from the sky, I was worried it would break if it didn’t bend like other flowers and weeds. Yet you remained unbowed, proclaiming justice, and I had to work hard to keep you from breaking.”
Ah…
“Cheolbin… what you’re saying…”
I still don’t understand him completely.
But I can roughly sense the kind of emotion he feels toward me.
“How can I possibly pluck such a flower?”
Creaak.
Namgung Cheolbin slowly unclenched his fist.
Once again, I’m spared by him.
Am I glad? If asked, I’m not quite sure how to answer.
“Cheolbin.”
“My name is Lightning, you should know that. White Blade Wanderer Lightning.”
“Cheolbin.”
“Haa…”
I’m not sure if it’s appropriate to ask this question now.
But it’s already too late to consider the atmosphere.
“How should I go on living now…?”
The justice I held as an ideal led me to betray someone who should have been protected.
As the monk feared, I became too extreme and transformed into another kind of evil altogether.
In this situation, what should I do?
How can I possibly go on living?
“Just live on.”
“Is… that so?”
“We’re always taught that in Kunlun – live leisurely like immortals.”
“…I don’t deserve that.”
“Then live while repenting. It doesn’t matter how exactly, just please live.”
“…”
“Life itself is suffering. Death is the blessing that cuts short that suffering. If you truly wish to be punished, don’t seek it in the afterlife with King Yama, but atone here in this world. That’s the path that helps everyone.”
“I see…that’s what I’ll do. Thank you, Cheolbin.”
“Call me Lightning.”
Namgung Cheolbin tells me to repent.
I will.
More than enough.
“To you…”
Cheolbin, until the day I die.
“Sorry.”
“What are you saying now?”
“Just…sorry for everything. For causing trouble, for making you work for me, for your mental suffering, for me betraying you…”
You’ve saved me.
Not just by saving my life, but by giving me a new life.
You’ve opened my obstructed vision and set me upright from the wrong path I was on.
You’ve given me enlightenment.
Which is.. incomparable to the likes of life, a grace and a salvation.
‘Forever from now.’
I will never forget.
‘Even if I die and go to the afterlife with you.’
I will never change my heart.
‘As a Jade Flower for you… to serve you alone.’
The love, compassion, affection that the monk spoke about…
‘The boundless love I’ve only received from you, I’ll repay you tenfold, a hundredfold.’
And salvation, guidance.
‘Your wounds I will somehow embrace, envelop, and heal. I will surely make you happy with my whole life.’
Because that’s my only path to atonement.
…
“I’ll change clothes and come back.”
Jade Flower pointed at her blood-stained clothes.
If she’s coming back, why is she telling me she will live?
I wanted to ask, but she was already moving away from me.
“Hoo…”
The feeling is complex as if a large mountain has been overcome.
Jade Flower.
She’s more to me than just a friend, apparently.
Come to think of it, there are no ordinary friends to me with either the monk or Dongfang Bufeiy.
Each one has shared more than ten thousand years with me.
Rustle.
At that moment, a woman came into my view.
“Eh…?”
I sensed her presence from far away by ki about half an hour ago, but I forgot about her while speaking with Jade Flower.
“Yo… why are you here?”
My ex-wife, Soeun Yu.
“Feeling down, so I came out for a walk tonight. Is there an issue with that?”
“…”
