[59th Chapter]
The purpose of my existence ended that day.
Just as I was starting elementary school, the alien invasion began. The Earth Defense Union, which decided to create hyper-humans, conducted genetic tests on all Earthlings. Among them, instead of turning children with suitable genes into hyper-humans, they offered substantial rewards to their parents. The Earth Defense Union imposed a gag order on the parents of children they wished to turn into hyper-humans, and this story has not leaked out to this day.
I may not know all the reasons, but what’s certain is that my parents’ genes were suitable for creating hyper-humans. At that time, the criteria for becoming a hyper-human were children under 10 years old who had not yet gone through puberty.
Our family struggled with massive debt from a young age, and my parents turned me into a hyper-human to pay off the debt. We believed that once the debt was paid, our home would be filled with harmony. However, not long after, my parents died in a traffic accident.
My older brother, who was 10 years older than me, was a high school student at the time and did not meet the criteria to become a hyper-human. After my parents passed away, he became an adult and took on many responsibilities to raise me. His business eventually succeeded, so I didn’t feel much lacking in my growing environment.
But I always felt like something was missing in my life. After becoming a hyper-human, I felt like I was merely a means for my parents to repay their debts, and since the symptoms of being a hyper-human started appearing, I never really thought about the purpose of my life.
In conclusion, I realized that I had been used as a means by my parents to repay their debts, and that day marked the end of my value as an existence.
My brother was busy with work every day, leaving me with a lot of alone time.
After school, I would come home and do household chores. Thus, my role as a means began. Helping my busy brother with household chores was all I could do.
I wasn’t angry and smiled while doing what I could. No one said anything to me, whether at school or at home.
I didn’t force myself to smile or suppress anger.
No matter what happened, I never got angry, and I learned that smiling in difficult situations made things a bit better.
“This is my younger sister. Say hi.”
“Hi.”
One day, my brother brought a woman home. She was someone he introduced to me as his girlfriend. She was like an older sister to me, only a few years older. I greeted her with a smile as usual.
It was autumn of my first year in high school. When my brother and his girlfriend got married, she became my new older sister. The following year, my brother’s first child was born, and after school, I had to take care of the baby when I returned home.
I felt even more useful. Although I didn’t feel any particular emotion about becoming someone who not only did housework but also took care of the child, it was significant for me, who had no other purpose in life, to be needed.
Initially, my new older sister, who was helping with childcare, left for work along with my brother, so I had to take care of the child alone. I didn’t think it would be too difficult to take care of just one child, but the next year, my new older sister became pregnant with her second child.
During my third year of high school in the summer, I dropped out of school.
The reason was my new older sister’s suggestion. Was it really a suggestion?
At the time, I was already involved in activities as a HunterKiller, and my new older sister asked if it wouldn’t be better to earn money by taking care of children and participating in HunterKiller activities rather than attending school.
I didn’t ponder much. I didn’t see the necessity of going to school, and I thought that even if I went to school, it wouldn’t make any difference. So, the very next day after my new older sister mentioned it, I went to school to withdraw.
Even though the school tried to dissuade me as summer vacation was approaching, I felt that staying at home and doing housework was more valuable for me than going to school.
When I told my brother about dropping out of school, he yelled at me for the first time. At that moment, I didn’t understand what was wrong. As a hyper-human and a housekeeper, I felt unnecessary to attend school, but I couldn’t grasp why quitting was wrong.
“I’m fine.”
I said with a smile. Though my brother’s anger scared me, I believed that if I continued to be a good child who did well, everything would be okay soon. But after that day, my brother rarely spoke to me.
Several years later, I was taking care of three children. It wasn’t easy taking care of them. There were certainly tough moments, but taking care of the children was the reason I could stay in this house, and seeing them grow each day made me proud, erasing the difficulties of the previous day.
From the time I started taking care of the second child, my new older sister stopped paying attention to childcare, and up until now, taking care of the third child is solely my responsibility.
One day, while watching TV, I saw people cooking and felt for the first time that it might be fun. There was no particular reason. I simply found their expressions on TV enjoyable and felt curious and interested.
But the environment for that wasn’t available.
I had very little money to spend, and even if I saved meticulously, I could only save a few pennies a month. Still, it was the first time I felt a purpose: I wanted to buy a cookbook.
The first cookbook I bought from the bookstore was full of interesting content. Seeing the beautifully plated food pictures, I felt intrigued and wanted to try it, but I couldn’t. Being able to cook happily and well didn’t fit my purpose.
Even while active as a HunterKiller, I never felt like I could accomplish anything significant.
After a confrontation and returning home, I would take care of the children and contribute my salary to the household.
As these repetitive situations occurred, I gradually stopped thinking deeply. All I needed to do was live like this and prove my existence somewhere.
But one day, seeing the team members laughing and chatting, I felt a void inside. When was the last time I truly smiled from my heart?
Was the smile I gave while taking care of the children genuine?
Maybe my purpose was never there from the beginning.
“How do you want to do things, Hayang?”
When I first heard this question from that person, I had no thoughts.
How did I want to do things?
Was taking care of the children and doing housework all that I was?
When I needed money, I asked my brother, and my new older sister always said harsh things to me. Even when neighbors had problems, I received harsh words, but I didn’t mind.
Was it really okay? Perhaps, I was just holding it in.
Either way, accepting such situations was my purpose, and that was all I was.
But how did I want to do things?
Every time I thought about the question he asked, the emptiness inside grew, and it started hurting.
When I heard harsh words, I felt hurt, and when I clashed with neighbors, my heart felt uneasy.
While feeling pain somewhere deep inside, I still couldn’t answer his question about what I wanted to do.
…On the day we were going on a trip. Until the moment I decided to go, I couldn’t make up my mind.
“Auntie. Are we not going on the trip?”
Hearing the youngest child Ho Young say that, I felt like I should go on the trip.
Regardless of whether I had found an answer or not, why should a child who did nothing wrong have to face such hard times?
…But why should I, who did nothing wrong, have to face all these moments?
That thought of going on a trip changed into a desire to go.
I wanted to enjoy myself too. I wanted to chat happily with the team members and cook whatever I wanted.
“What do you want to do?”
‘I want to do what I want to do.’
This was my answer.
So, I went on the trip, and for the first time, he told me the dish was delicious.
I realized that giving someone joy, even for a moment, was happiness. Maybe I didn’t feel the difficulty of taking care of the children because there were moments when they felt happy because of me.
He asked me again how I wanted to do things while we were walking.
But unlike before, it no longer troubled me. Just for one day, just for this one trip, I had an answer to what I wanted to do after feeling so many things today.
“I want to leave the house.”
Sure, there will be harder situations ahead than what I’ve faced so far, but it was okay.
For 28 years, I lived as a good child, keeping my purpose as an existence for others.
Starting now, even if it’s not too late, wouldn’t it be okay to live a little for myself?
I also thought that my value as an existence would fade, and I might become a useless existence, but it was okay.
I returned from the trip and decided to leave the house.
My new older sister, who had previously put all the childcare on me, took over the responsibility, and I looked for a new place to live with help from A.
He helped me. Why does he help me so much? Does he see value in me? Could it be that he has a purpose, and I need to fulfill it?
“Why do you help me so much?”
“Because I don’t want you to suffer.”
In response to my anxious question, he answered without hesitation.
Was I suffering?
Yes, I was suffering.
I didn’t know how to ask for help and thought I had value only if I carried everything alone. That realization was painful.
He said he didn’t like seeing me suffer. Why?
Could it be that there’s no reason? If he’s helping me unconditionally and wants me not to suffer, then maybe it’s okay to ask for help a little.
Is it okay to indulge in selfishness just once?
“I’m looking for a house. Can you help me?”
“Yes, I’ll help as much as I can.”
Though I had already sought help in finding a house, the feeling was different when I first asked for help compared to now. Now, I wanted to be a little selfish.
When we were looking at furniture, the staff mistook us for newlyweds. While resolving misunderstandings is good, I worried it might embarrass the staff, and I hoped A might forgive us, so I took a risk.
“Come and look here!”
“Yeah, sure.”
I felt embarrassed. The action I chose to prevent the staff from feeling uncomfortable ended up embarrassing both A and me. I felt guilty toward him.
Helping me was already troublesome and tiring, yet he adjusted to my impulsive actions.
But as we walked around the furniture store like a newlywed couple, I gradually found it enjoyable. It felt like I was looking for furniture for a house I would share with him, and I wished this fake scenario could become real.
I don’t like my new older sister. It’s absurd to feel any positive emotions towards her, who didn’t know much about her own children and made my life difficult.
But recalling my brother’s happy demeanor when he first met her, I thought that although marriage has its hardships, it also brings happiness, which is why people choose it.
If I were to have a family with him, would I experience many happy moments too?
I knew it was excessive to wish for this, so I decided to enjoy this moment and find something to fill that happiness in the future.
The moving day arrived.
The movers helped with my few belongings, and before leaving the house, I said goodbye to the children.
“Auntie, are you really leaving?”
“Yeah. Even without me, you can be strong, right?”
Even the usually energetic eldest and second child seemed sad hearing I was leaving. They looked unusually quiet and less lively today.
“Yeah.”
“I’ll visit sometimes.”
“Auntie.”
I turned to Ho Young’s voice. Unlike the others, he was quiet and didn’t express himself much. Did he feel happy moments with me too?
“Be careful.”
“Yeah. Take care of yourself too, Ho Young.”
After bidding farewell to the children, I looked at my brother, who had taken the day off.
“If you need anything, call me.”
“Got it. Don’t worry too much.”
After finishing the farewell, I noticed my new older sister sitting on the living room sofa. Despite not wanting to, I approached her to say goodbye.
I felt the heavy atmosphere between us. Nothing came to mind to say.
“Here.”
I handed her a notebook.
“It’s a list of things the kids like and dislike.”
I no longer used formal language and conveyed my final purpose before turning away. I couldn’t guarantee whether she would take care of the children well, but I hoped the notebook I wrote diligently would give her some strength.
After the final farewell at the entrance, I took the elevator down.
The sadness of parting with the children I’d lived with for ten years was overwhelming, but I resolved not to regret this choice for myself.
Stepping out of the elevator, I met A at the apartment entrance, and I couldn’t hide my smile.
“Did you say goodbye properly?”
“Yeah.”
Today marks the first day I decided to live a life for myself.
There will be more painful times than happy ones, but happy moments will feel more significant. Whether or not I’ll be with him in countless days ahead, I still wish to have shared those moments.
Today is the day I move into a new home.
It will be troublesome, but A, who came early to welcome me, said he would help me, and we took a taxi together to start sorting out the new home.
