Chapter 58

“That child must become an Inquisition Judge.”

058

Following the Sun (Part 1)

Blink.

In the reformatory, where there is no entertainment, no stimulation, time flows slowly.

Extreme boredom, loneliness, isolation. I long for any kind of pain, any kind of stimulation. I crave insults and humiliation, just to communicate with someone.

Blink.

Everything I did was for the heretics. And though I am a sinner, an apostate, a fallen Inquisition Judge, I am still not a heretic.

Is it a coincidence that I am locked in the same room where Louis was imprisoned? Or is this too part of some cruel design? I know every inch of this room, having spent more time here than in my own home.

If only I could light a candle and burn myself, at least this boredom would fade. Even if it’s not a self-destructive urge, filling my stomach with ink or reading the Scripture would be better than doing nothing.

Blink.

No, I don’t need to do that.

I could just walk out. The reformatory has no guards, and slipping through the bars is too easy.

If I just leave, I could be free from all this emptiness and void. Just stand up, take a step, and…

Blink.

So I lay still. Doing nothing, just blinking my eyes.

The bed was hard. And familiar. A faint trace of your scent lingered. But as I lay there, the faint scent of cedar was gradually overwhelmed by the smell of summer roses.

Even knowing this, I couldn’t bring myself to get up. I desperately longed for even a hint of you. Your scent would fade soon anyway. Or maybe I’m just deceiving myself, pretending your smell is still here.

Your scent was always faint. Only after sweating under the scorching sun would it barely reach me. And now, you no longer even need to sweat.

“Louis.”

What a cruel joke. I locked you in a cage to save you.

And now, it’s my turn to be caged. It wouldn’t be hard to leave, but… what then?

What holds me here is an invisible, transparent thread, one that would snap with just a little force. The Inquisition Temple knows this too. If I were to truly cause a scene to escape… no one could stop me now, with the other Inquisition Judges gone.

The Order’s strength isn’t limited to them, but their duties keep them busy. Even busier now, because of me.

“Sigh…”

How many people have died because of me?

How can I atone for this sin? How can I, who sent so many to hell, dare to open the gates of heaven?

That’s why I didn’t leave the reformatory. In this place of deafening silence, where even the sound of my heartbeat echoes painfully, I mutter to myself once a day.

Afraid I might forget how to speak, afraid my tongue might atrophy from disuse.

“Louis, I miss you.”

Most of my words are the same.

I miss you. Are you okay? Are you hurt? I’m sorry. Do you resent me? It was all for you. If only it had ended with what was for you. But in the end, I got greedy.

I whispered false hopes to you. I spoke of freedom. That you could leave.

…In truth, those words were for me. The hope, the desire for freedom, the act of letting you go.

But I didn’t want to keep you locked up forever. Call me selfish if you want. I just wanted to fill our remaining memories with color, not monochrome. I wanted to do so much more with you…

=Then just go see him.=

“I can’t.”

I shook my head, still lying dazed. My hair, having lost its luster and become dry, swayed lightly.

“I can’t keep… forcing things.”

I’ve already made so many wrong choices.

I should have killed Louis the moment I saw him.

Even if I spared him, I should have left him in the reformatory and forgotten him.

Even if I managed him, I should never have taken you out of there…

=How fickle, human hearts.=

“Yeah.”

I answer with a hazy mind.

At first, it was almost resignation. When Yefrinse said you had become a demon, I didn’t dare hope you were alive. I just wanted to find your body or belongings.

Then, at least I could have buried you with me…

But then I found you, alive and well, unchanged, still as kind as ever. I hoped, then despaired. Because by your side was Laube, pretending to be your fiancée.

But the moment I knew you were alive, a sinful sprout took root in my heart. Even if it goes against Ailim’s will, can’t I save just one? Just one?

=Even though you knew he was a pawn of the heretics!=

“…Even though I knew.”

Young heretics lose their former intelligence and show clear physical differences. No ordinary human could remain in the midst of such a demonic realm. So the one pretending to be human was obvious.

But, but you were still the same. You were happy to see me, sorry, sad, angry, afraid. Those were definitely not simulated emotions, but yours.

That’s why I couldn’t kill you. I convinced the other temple soldiers with near-forced logic and brought you back.

With the same hands that mercilessly crushed and killed other young heretics, I held the true culprit tightly. Comforted, consoled, hid, and cherished you.

I killed the victims and saved the perpetrator. That alone is a grave sin. But even then, there was a chance to turn back.

“If only I had killed Louis later, declared the eradication of heretics…”

=But you couldn’t do it.=

If only I had left you in the reformatory, consoled myself that I had at least saved you, and cut ties. But I kept visiting you. All under the pretext of reforming you.

You knew, didn’t you? That heretics can never be reformed. They had already fallen into Laube’s hands, and even if they wished to repent, no one could reach out to them.

I closed my eyes to reality and saw only delusions behind my eyelids. Gradually, your aversion to holy water lessened, and you even read the Scripture well. So maybe, just maybe, you could be cured…

-The snowball, once it started rolling, had grown too large to stop.

The snowball rolling down the slope finally hit a wall and stopped. This is the result. The happy future I dreamed of shattered, and the path the snowball took was filled with cries and screams.

And I must pay the price for dragging others into my petty, selfish desires.

=You’re going to die.=

I know.

=The Order won’t forgive you. A powerful sword like an Inquisition Judge is a threat even in someone else’s hands.=

I know.

=They’d rather break the blade. The efforts and achievements of the sword? What do they matter now? Tools aren’t praised, and the sword’s accomplishments only prove how sharp and threatening it is.=

I know.

Though the Pope, who communicates with the sleeping god, sits at the highest seat, it’s the elders and cardinals who truly lead the Order. Even if François is one of the most powerful among them, he can’t overturn everyone’s decisions alone.

=You’re going to die soon. Any last wishes?=

“Wishes…”

Dazedly repeating the word, the truth I had suppressed spills out.

“I want to see Louis.”

Even if it’s the last time. Just once would be enough.

=Really?=

…

=Will that satisfy you? Seeing his face once, then closing your eyes peacefully as your head is chopped off? Is that really your last wish?=

“…I, I.”

=Be honest. It’s the end anyway, spit out your true desire!=

“…I.”

How could I be satisfied?

I want to see you. Not just once, but again and again. I’d never get tired of it.

I don’t want it to end with just seeing you. I want to meet you, laugh, hug, talk, do everything with you. I want you in every moment of my life. Isn’t that natural? Isn’t that how it should be!

I’m not selfish. I just wanted to love. I just wanted my heart’s desire to come true. Loving someone isn’t a sin…

Ailim! Our loving and merciful parent! Answer me! Why! Why must I be denied the simple act of loving someone! Why, of all people, must the one I love be…

My mother died giving birth to me, and my father left me in a small village before leaving.

Born weak, my noble-like appearance stood out, and I couldn’t blend in with anyone in the village. Until one boy reached out to me, I was always alone.

I was happy. I thought I could be happy forever.

Until this body had another attack. Like a dam breaking, I quickly weakened, and death was suddenly close. My father, who reappeared, dragged me to a white space.

“Truth is, I never wanted to be an Inquisition Judge…”

The training was terrifying, the education strict. At a young age, I cried and vomited countless times while gutting and drenched in blood. Every day, I looked at the dagger in my hand and thought about just dying.

I could have given up. I wouldn’t have received the Holy Body, but I could have lived a short life in luxury, indulging in desires and pleasures, burning out in a blaze of glory.

…Those who ultimately failed to become Inquisition Judges often met such ends. It wasn’t uncommon to encounter familiar faces of former comrades while on duty.

But I endured. Those who once looked down on me, saying I was too weak in body and mind to be an Inquisition Judge, later called me tenacious, even vicious for my age, and kept their distance.

Why? Because I wanted to live.

I wanted to live with you.

“I didn’t want to leave…”

When I fell in love with someone in that small village. When I finally came to love even the village I grew up in because of that love.

When I was told I had to go to the Inquisition Temple to cure my illness, I shook my head and refused. I’d rather die here. I’d rather not be separated, even in death.

The only one who could persuade my stubborn young self was, of course, that one person.

“Even now, I don’t want to leave…!”

So, where is that person now?

I’m crying like this, and I wish you’d come running, wiping my tears.

Actually, it’s okay if you don’t. I won’t throw tantrums anymore. In fact, since I’ve received so much from you, I’ll give everything to you now. So.

Just stay by my side.

=Then the answer is simple.=

Anything.

“Simple… you say…?”

=If you want to see him, just go see him.=

How? The question didn’t leave my lips, but the answer came.

=You know it too, don’t you? That no one can stop you.=

=Are others more important than Louis? No, they’re not. You know you’re not that kind of person, don’t you? That for the sake of one, you’d throw away everything, even yourself.=

=So why are you hesitating for the sake of less important things? Your wish, your desperation. Was it all a lie?=

“It couldn’t be!”

=Then what are you still hesitating for? Stop crying, get up.=

The ‘voice’ whispers.

=Let’s go meet your love together.=