Chapter 57

I twisted my body, trying to break free from Hans’ grip.

Of course, his hand didn’t budge an inch.

Far from breaking free, his grip only tightened, and the pain in my shoulder began to feel like it was being crushed.

I crouched down, trembling, and slowly looked up at Hans.

His sharp gaze felt so intense it was almost painful.

I’m scared.

Who would’ve thought I’d ever feel this way about him?

“Hans. It hurts.”

“…You want to die?

Yeah, of course you do.”

“It hurts, okay?”

The plea I mustered the courage to spit out didn’t even seem to reach his ears.

Hans muttered something under his breath, then suddenly started shouting at me.

“Do you know why I came back to you?

Because you looked like you were going to die. I could feel that vibe you give off when you’re about to give up.

Even when I wasn’t around, you were no different from now.

No, you looked even worse, like you were ready to die!”

“…Let me go.”

My calm tone and voice gradually grew stronger, eventually turning into a scream.

A man bigger and stronger than me in every way was gripping my shoulders and yelling.

It felt like he was forcibly dragging out memories I’d tried to bury.

The sensation below my shoulders started to fade.

I couldn’t breathe; it felt like I was suffocating.

My vision swayed as I stared at his distorted face.

It felt like Hans’ face was about to overlap with someone I’d met in the organization.

“You think you can just pretend those people don’t exist?

If that were possible, I wouldn’t even remember what happened that day!

Forgetting, running away—that’s the easiest thing to do. So why am I even bothering to take this crap…?”

“Let me go!!”

I shouted with all my might, and finally, Hans seemed to realize my state.

His yelling stopped, and his hands released my shoulders.

Only then did I relax, exhaling heavily as I slid down against the wall.

Hans, startled, tried to help me up but stopped just short of touching me.

He must’ve known how I’d react if he did.

For a moment, silence hung between us.

Well, maybe not silence—he kept muttering something under his breath.

Of course, I couldn’t hear what he was saying, sitting there dazed, hugging my knees.

Honestly, I didn’t care.

“…It was a joke.

Why are you taking it so seriously?”

I forced the words out, trying to lighten the mood.

I just wanted to wrap this up and go home.

I don’t like people who yell.

I hate people who hurt me even more.

Even if it’s Hans. No, especially because it’s Hans.

So, just go away… please.

There was no way Hans would accept my tearful plea.

His face twisted again as he stomped closer and shouted.

“You call that expression a joke?!

At least try to lie better! I—”

I let out a self-deprecating laugh and closed my eyes.

I knew he wouldn’t hit me, but instinctively, I curled up and covered my head, bracing for impact.

“What’s the joke here?”

At that moment, a cold voice came from behind Hans, and his body lifted into the air.

In an instant, he flew across the room, crashing into a pile of desks in the corner with a loud bang.

The culprit, who had sent him flying without even touching him, stood in front of me, calmly adjusting their clothes.

Hans, a mix of panic and irritation, struggled to get up from the mess of desks.

Of course, the culprit was Sena.

She must’ve been listening to our conversation for a while now.

“DiCardi. Your yelling is echoing down the hallway.

If you don’t want trouble, maybe you should shut up.”

“Stay out of this, Sena.

This is between us.”

“Between us? Ha.

Her Highness hates the sight of your face to begin with.

Stop spouting nonsense.”

The conversation, filled with sarcasm and hostility, was clearly between sworn enemies.

Though I could’ve sworn they used to get along.

Afraid they’d start a full-blown fight if left alone, I spoke to Hans in a calm voice.

“…Let’s not add fuel to the fire.

We’ll talk later.”

“You heard her? The mood’s already ruined.

If you want to keep going, do it outside. Now, scram. Quickly.”

Sena coldly snapped, pointing toward the door.

I was worried they’d actually start fighting, but thankfully, it didn’t seem like it would come to that.

Hans, who had been biting his lip hard enough to draw blood, stood by the door and looked back at me.

He took a few deep breaths.

Finally calmer, he conveyed his resolve to me.

“…I won’t let things go the way you want.

I’ll bring you back to how you used to be.

The Remia Adelian who was always confident and never even thought about death.”

And, you know, the one who was rude and sharp-tongued.

You left out all the bad parts, huh?

I already know how you felt about the old me.

You don’t need to sugarcoat it.

I listened to his uninspiring declaration and replied indifferently.

“Sure, whatever.”

Hans left as soon as he heard my answer.

For a while, the clubroom was engulfed in silence.

The silence was broken by Sena’s low, growling voice.

“…He’s the real problem here.

I’m ashamed I ever got along with that idiot.”

Sena’s eyes turned icy cold.

Every word she spoke was filled with emotion.

“People don’t need some grand reason to die.

Most of the time, they die over something trivial.

If you want to change Her Highness, you should’ve started by giving her a reason to live in the everyday, not making some grand declaration.”

“Is that what you think, Sena?”

“Yes. I mean, I have a rough idea.

I know what Her Highness is thinking.”

I closed my slightly parted lips after hearing her words.

So, she didn’t just figure it out now.

Had she always had an idea?

Well, I did leave a lot of hints.

Thinking about it, my encounters with her were always tangled up with the wounds I inflicted on myself.

Sena’s gaze returned to me, and the coldness in her eyes began to warm.

It was warm. But also sticky.

It wasn’t just simple goodwill—it was tinged with regret and pity, closer to an uncomfortable emotion.

It was her.

Once again, her mouth opened.

Emotion-filled words followed.

“I hope the Princess doesn’t die, but I don’t plan on doing anything grand.

I’ve had my share of experiences.

No matter what you do, those who are meant to die will die.”

Sena slowly approached me.

She stopped in front of me, who was leaning against the wall with my knees hugged, and crouched down to meet my eye level.

Her gaze, filled with a sticky heat, came close enough to touch if I fell.

It was burdensome enough to make me want to avoid it, but for some reason, I couldn’t move.

I could feel the emotion and the physical warmth in every word she spoke.

“Honestly, I’d like to lock you up.

So you can never hold a blade to your body again, so you can never think of death, and so you’ll only look at me.

But that would just be killing your spirit to keep your body alive.

The body follows the mind, so no matter how hard you try, you’ll eventually die.”

The content of her words was a little scary.

Perhaps noticing the slight tremor in my eyes, Sena erased the emotions she had shown and smiled brightly as usual.

The abrupt change made her seem even more out of place, blending with the afterimage of her previous expression.

As I shrunk back a little more, she seemed slightly startled before giving a bitter smile.

“…So all I can do are very small things.

At best, I can use Healing Magic, make sure you eat, or stay by your side as a friend.

In Hans’ eyes, it’s probably utterly meaningless.”

Sena knelt down.

Carefully, she reached out her hand and placed it on my shoulder, where Hans had gripped earlier.

It was a gentle touch, with no force behind it.

When I didn’t show any signs of discomfort, her hand moved a little further inward.

It crept toward my neck, slowly wrapping around the back of my neck, then slid down my arm and crossed behind my back.

“It might actually be meaningless.

There’s no guarantee there’s enough time to build something big from small things.”

Her body, now pressed against mine, was in a familiar hugging position.

At first, it was an awkward posture with only her arms around my back, but as she applied more force, our chests pressed together, and her chin rested on my shoulder.

I could feel the warmth from her embrace enveloping me.

It was the same warmth I had grown accustomed to over the past two weeks.

“But in the end, you kept me by your side and pushed him away.”

Now, her voice, close to a whisper, flowed from her mouth near my ear.

“What does this mean?”

The whisper tickled my ear.

At the same time, something tickled deep inside my chest.

I felt the warmth for a moment, then raised my arms and wrapped them around her.

In other words, I hugged her back.

I didn’t say anything, but it seemed to be enough of an answer.

Sena let out a small laugh and nuzzled her face against my neck.

I felt that strange tickling sensation again, but on my face, out of her sight, I wore a bitter expression.

I felt sorry for her, but it wasn’t a yes.

I wanted to repay her for treating me so kindly, even though I couldn’t affirm her feelings.

So, I hugged her back.

I let her misunderstand.

Not everything Sena did was pointless or burdensome like Hans.

Ending a life is as easy as keeping one alive.

Ending a life is easy, but deciding to end it is hard.

As long as life continues until that decision is made, all you have to do is change the mind of someone who wants to end their life.

She was using what would normally be the most effective method.

It’s just that I’m the strange one.

On the other hand, her method was effective enough to stir something in even someone like me.

Perhaps, no, obviously.

No matter what Hans did, it wouldn’t resonate with me as much as Sena’s.

The farthest thing from suicide isn’t a happy life, but an ordinary one.

Even if I were to return to being Remia Adelian.

Even if I were to live a happy life with Hans.

There’s no chance I’d give up on what I’ve already decided.

The premise is different from the start.

I’m a Princess, but I’m not a Princess.

I’m a mentally ill person who dreams of death while wishing for happiness.

It’s impressive that Sena managed to somewhat understand me.

Still, it’s frustrating that it doesn’t truly reach my heart.

Even if she becomes my friend.

Even if she gifts me an ordinary, happy life.

I’m still a stranger and a loner.

Because I’m the only person in this world without a homeland.

Because I’m someone who can’t be understood by anyone, who can’t escape anywhere.

The ordinary life that fits the standards of the modern “me” is a concept that can never be reclaimed in this world where things that are ordinary to “me” are not ordinary to others.

In the end, everyone knows “Remia Adelian,” but no one knows the “me” inside.

Even though both are me, that fact doesn’t change.

As long as that premise remains unchanged, my heart will inevitably head in one direction.

“I’m saying this because I think the Princess is more stable than before.

If I’m wrong, please tell me now.”

“…You’re not wrong.”

“Then, may I ask one favor?”

“I’ll listen.”

I want to die.

I’m planning to die.

I’m dying.

Next, will it be that I’ve died?

As I was lost in such rotten thoughts, Sena’s trembling voice reached my ears.

“…Please don’t die. Please.”

What a difficult request.

I slowly closed my eyes, savoring the voice that carried the exact opposite emotion of the earlier stickiness.