Chapter 54

I couldn’t even get a proper rest. My head leaned against the window, and it shook, making my bones rattle, yet my mind was incredibly clear. That made it even more painful.

For several hours, I had repeated nothing but tormenting thoughts, and by the time the bus reached its destination, I had come to no conclusion whatsoever.

Conclusion? What conclusion are we even talking about? What answers are we seeking?

As I got off the bus, I felt the bustling atmosphere of the terminal. At that moment, my existence here felt inexplicably foreign. Eyes were on me. It was just my paranoid delusion that made me think the eyes were directed at me.

In reality, no one was actually focusing on me, but that was how I felt. At that point, it didn’t matter whether it was true or not.

I rushed out of the terminal. I hailed a taxi and told the driver where I needed to go. The slight, odd change in the taxi driver’s expression when he looked at me was noted, but fortunately, he remained silent and started driving. He didn’t strike up a conversation.

About thirty minutes later, the taxi arrived at my destination. Even as I got out, the driver couldn’t hide his expression but did well to keep his mouth shut.

It was just a five-minute walk to my house. But my legs felt sluggish, and my steps were slow. Why was that?

I didn’t want to go home.

The reason was simple.

Hwa-won and Jae-Ah were there.

I didn’t want to see either of them right now. I lacked the courage to face them. I couldn’t possibly know what kind of expression I bore.

However, there was no other place for me to go at this point. Time had passed, and I was slowly making my way forward, despite my sluggish pace.

Arriving in front of my house, I stood there, holding my smartphone in one hand, unable to think about going inside. I wasn’t even standing at the door. I couldn’t even manage to step into the building.

In that moment, Ham Yejin’s face came to mind. If I called Ham Yejin, she would prepare a place for me without asking anything. But there were things that needed no words. I didn’t want to reveal even the tiniest fragment of those little matters.

And about five minutes passed.

It was a short time, but my mind was flooded with all sorts of thoughts.

Yet, none of those thoughts came to a conclusion. The one who provided an ending was entirely someone else.

“Hmm? Oh, you’re here?”

Gang Hwa-won appeared from a corner of the building. Why was he coming out from there?

The scent of bitter, strong cigarettes wafted from Hwa-won as he approached me.

“…You said you were quitting.”

“This is really the last one.”

Waving his hand awkwardly, Hwa-won hid it behind his back. He must have been holding a lighter.

“Hey.”

“What?”

“Just one puff for me.”

It was a request that slipped out without my knowledge. I had decided never to smoke again, but now I felt I couldn’t endure without it. Hwa-won grimaced at my request.

“Are you out of your mind?”

“What do you mean, ‘out of my mind?’”

“Does it look like you should be smoking right now? Giving you a cigarette would be a visual crime.”

“Stop talking nonsense and hand it over.”

I approached Hwa-won and practically rifled through his pockets. A bewildered Hwa-won tried to step back, but he couldn’t escape. It was some type of cigarette I didn’t recognize. I took one and put it between my lips.

“Hey, light it for me.”

“Ah, damn. If a photo gets taken, my life is over.”

Complaining, he ultimately lit it for me.

I inhaled deeply.

Huuuk.

The smoke filled my lungs.

And naturally, as if it were expected.

“Eh, eh, cough! Cough! Aack! Ugh!”

I coughed loudly. It wasn’t much different from the last time I smoked. No, it was worse. The cigarette felt stronger than the ones I used to smoke.

“Are you okay? I told you not to.”

“Cough, cough… ugh.”

It was harsh enough to bring tears to my eyes. Despite that, I forced the cigarette back into my mouth.

Coughing and choking, I managed to finish one whole cigarette. Hwa-won stared at me with a look of disbelief.

“…You actually smoked it all.”

“Shut up….”

My face was probably a mess. Tears and snot were flowing freely, making me feel as though I had been through a chemical incident.

Fortunately, because of that, Hwa-won didn’t ask me anything as he looked at my face.

I declined Hwa-won’s assistance, continuing to cough as I entered the building and stood in front of my house door.

When I opened the door and stepped in, Seo Jae-Ah was sprawled out on the living room couch, still sound asleep. It was as if she were a memory of someone who hadn’t yet awakened from sleep.

“Why is she still sleeping?”

“She played games all night.”

That made sense.

“I’m going to go in and sleep a bit. Please clean up on your way out.”

“Oh, okay. Share some stories about the aftermath later.”

Hwa-won could say that because he didn’t know what had happened to me. For a moment, I felt irritated, but since Hwa-won was looking at my back, I was able to enter the room as if nothing was wrong. Yes, Hwa-won was someone who couldn’t know.

He shouldn’t know.

I had already slept enough that I wasn’t sleepy anymore.

Despite that, I roughly tossed off my clothes and lay down. I missed my soft bed. I spread out a blanket on the hard floor of the room. Even though I wasn’t sleepy, I desperately tried to fall asleep.

I wanted to sleep.

Because when I’m asleep, I can forget.

Yet, sleep wouldn’t come, and all I could think about was the touch of an old man’s hand on my thigh.

I found myself crying without realizing it.

I was the most surprised by the sudden tears. All for this small reason.

Just because of this,

This little thing.

Still, I couldn’t make a sound. If I made a sound, it would be heard outside.

I covered my mouth and sobbed quietly.

The moment my tears stopped was the moment my life was paused.

~

Hwa-won nagged Jae-Ah as soon as she woke up, urging her to get ready to leave Seol-guk’s house. Seol-guk looked extremely tired and slightly unstable. The fact that he immediately locked himself in his room suggested that things weren’t going well.

At times like this, it was better to leave him alone rather than interfere with unnecessary words. It was always like that. Since Hwa-won knew Seol-guk well, it was a judgment he could make. When rational thoughts were unable to be processed, it was better to take some time and talk later.

Little did he know that it would become a problem.

The fact that Hwa-won knew Seol-guk too well was the issue.

Not realizing that the snow had already started to melt was also a problem.

The season changes.

However, it was because he knew too well that he couldn’t easily notice it.

Change is.

Hwa-won left the house with Jae-Ah. He didn’t say goodbye. He didn’t want to wake the sleeping person for no reason. Jae-Ah, who was being driven out just after waking up without knowing what was going on, complained but was ignored.

Though Jae-Ah wondered why they were leaving the house so urgently, Hwa-won mumbled a vague response. After dropping her off at her house, Hwa-won headed home. Fortunately, his younger sibling was supposed to be out today, so there were no special issues to worry about.

The change in thoughts came because the phone rang.

I picked up my vibrating smartphone.

Caller [Senior Su-Young]

~

Unfortunately, dreams were not an escape. I couldn’t even remember what dream I had, but I could tell it was definitely not a pleasant one. Thanks to that, I was able to wake up. Even the forced sleep was torturous, so waking up was probably a good thing.

The problem was that the reality wasn’t particularly pleasant.

Upon waking, what I felt was dampness.

Everything was wet. My head was damp, and my clothes were damp too.

I couldn’t tell how much cold sweat I had soaked through.

And my lower body was damp too.

…What?

It was definitely a place that shouldn’t be wet. Shocked by that feeling, when I pulled the blanket back, I could see evidence I couldn’t escape from.

My head was a mess.

I was no child,

I had drawn a map on the blankets.

What on earth had I done?

One of the most direct changes I felt after becoming a woman was with urination.

I had no intention of understanding the complaints that women made, but I had to admit that it was much harder to hold it than it was for men. I could only know because I experienced it directly. It was definitely more troublesome than when I was a man.

In fact, when I had been hospitalized, I had caused a few problems regarding this.

But at that time, my physical condition was so bad and I had just become a woman, so it was unavoidable.

Since my body had improved, there had been no issues like this at all.

The overwhelming shame surged in my mind, and I let out a deep sigh.

Tears had dried up around my eyes, and my white hair was wet. Unsurprisingly, my pajamas were wet both top and bottom.

I got up quietly and opened the door. Fortunately, it seemed Hwa-won and Jae-Ah had already left. If they had seen me like this, it would have been better to die.

I changed out of the wet clothes and went to the bathroom to wash up. I flinched when washing my thighs, but there were no particular issues.

After coming out of the bathroom, I put my clothes and blanket into the washing machine.

Once I roughly finished tidying up, endless moments of clarity washed over me.

At this point, I truly had no words.

A child.

A kid.

A young… body.

A flashback of memories prompted a wave of nausea in me.