Chapter 52

It felt as if a long time had passed, yet also as if only a very short time had gone by. Why was that? I felt dazed.

My vision was blurry and slightly cold all over my body.

“Hmm… it’s cold….”

Was that mumbling my voice? Or was it someone else’s voice?

I couldn’t tell the difference and was half detached from reality. I couldn’t recognize the sensations in my body, nor could I discern someone else’s touch.

Lee Cheon, the writer, was holding my smartphone. It probably contained my novel, but I couldn’t tell whether he was reading it.

Lee Cheon, the writer, slightly took off the gown he was wearing and draped it over a girl beside him. How kind of him. Then, he poured a drink into a cup held by the girl.

She sipped the drink slowly.

It had a strange taste, but somehow felt a bit addictive.

He turned his gaze back to the smartphone. However, his right hand was positioned at the girl’s side.

He was gently stroking the girl’s side, but I couldn’t see what kind of expression he had.

“It’s fun, but a bit awkward. It feels like a sudden burst of inspiration written down without refinement.”

“Hmm….”

Lee Cheon was evaluating my novel, but honestly, I couldn’t grasp what he meant in my current state.

What I could tell was that, somehow, his hand had moved to the girl’s shoulder.

“It’s delicate, yet carries raw emotions. Unrefined emotions are pure violence. Perhaps that fits this kind of novel, but right now, the awkward feeling is stronger.”

Is he even giving a massage? Lee Cheon’s hands were kneading the girl’s shoulder. The languid feeling grew stronger.

“Certainly, it feels distinctly different from what you originally wrote. It’s more… direct. It’s provoking the body. That could be a strength for a woman’s writing, but right now it acts as a weakness. I can’t tell whether all you want is simple development or a return to your earlier writing, but for now, you’re in a neither-here-nor-there situation, and it won’t be easy to go back from this. If you are to revise this novel, what you need right now… is experience.”

I couldn’t properly understand Lee Cheon’s lengthy advice, but I was surely grateful for his counsel.

This will certainly be of great help.

But what kind of experience was he referring to?

I expressed my thanks in a stretched voice, softly.

“Thank… you.”

The girl, too, voiced the same words.

At that moment, Lee Cheon’s gaze met mine.

Although Lee Cheon’s face was definitely a bit red, he maintained a composed expression. It was difficult to view it as drunkenness; something was glinting in his eyes.

And then I realized.

His hand was wandering over the girl’s,

over mine,

thigh.

In an instant, I felt as if I had been doused in cold water, bringing my senses back. A chill ran down my spine.

I didn’t really know why.

In that moment, I threw the cup in my hand at him.

“Ah!”

Lee Cheon, who had been hit squarely in the head by the cup, fell backward, soaked in the drink. I immediately examined my body. As I realized that the garment he had been wearing was draped over me, it felt as if bugs were crawling all over my skin.

I quickly threw off the gown and picked up my smartphone from the floor.

Then I dashed out of the place I had entered.

I wasn’t even sure how I got outside.

When I regained my senses, I found myself in front of the side door I had come in through.

I was still wearing my shoes haphazardly.

My head went blank.

And then the memories of what had happened so far began to flood back.

Lee Cheon.

He had stroked my hair.

He had embraced me,

touched my side,

massaged my shoulder,

… had touched my thigh.

At first, I naturally denied it. It couldn’t be true. This man I respected, it couldn’t be.

He must have simply been reminded of his deceased daughter.

I believed that.

But thinking of what he had done to me, it was certainly not just that.

Why did I suddenly drink that beverage and become dazed?

Why did he stubbornly insist on forcing me to drink?

Why did he keep pouring drinks for me?

Why did he wish to have a private conversation with me?

Even now, my head was spinning and my stomach was churning.

I slowly replayed the situation in my mind.

But nothing changed.

Nothing changed.

Recalling the last touch on my thigh sent another chill down my spine.

He gently,

was stroking my thigh.

Remembering that touch, I couldn’t hold back the wave of nausea and,

“Ugh.”

I emptied everything I had eaten right there.

The pain and nausea caused by the vomiting, the nauseating smell tormented me, but the worst part was the discomfort I felt on my thigh.

It was just a simple touch, yet I had a strange feeling as if something dirty and horrific had brushed past me.

I started walking aimlessly.

Holding onto my body.

My body felt so light,

that if I didn’t hold on, it would disappear.

~

I kept walking.

The option of returning to Senior Su-Young or the professor was no longer available. I didn’t have the courage to face anyone in this situation.

Even if they asked me what was wrong, I wouldn’t know how to reply.

At least for now, I didn’t want to meet anyone.

This filth emanated a strong stench.

The streets were rather quiet, and I couldn’t see anyone. It was just me.

I wasn’t sure what thoughts I had while walking. I didn’t know how many times I had said “I don’t know.”

Suddenly looking up at the sky, it was raining.

It was a drizzle.

It wasn’t the kind of rain pouring down heavily, but it was enough to soak me. As the memory of that touch slowly drenched me, I was gradually getting soaked.

Is this normal?

What kind of reaction should I show here?

Besides, why did he,

why did he desire this body?

He was a man who had never so much as caused a scandal with a woman until now.

It was even said he had a daughter.

So why did he do such a thing to me?

In truth, all of this might just be a terrible nightmare, and everything could be nothing but my delusion.

I had suddenly fallen into a slumber at that drinking party and was merely having a bad dream.

I wished it had been that way.

But even if I tried to escape reality, nothing changed.

The most horrifying part wasn’t that filthy touch.

The most frightening thing wasn’t that dirty touch.

The most dreadful and terrifying thing was that the first emotion I felt from that touch was neither hatred nor discomfort.

The first feeling I had was fear.

The fact that I was afraid of that touch was what scared me the most.

It was a fear that strongly made me recognize that I had changed, that I had weakened, that I had become a woman.

If I were really a woman,

if I were really a child,

I would have cried my heart out right there, but my remaining foolish and useless pride couldn’t allow that.

So I cried silently.

I cried without tears.

Fortunately, it was raining now.

Tears shed on a rainy day are given a pardon.

~

I stood there for a long time, getting soaked by the rain, and crying. My head started to hurt and spin again. My mind was forcibly alert due to the shock. As time passed, my condition was deteriorating once more.

Surely, something must have been added to the drink I had consumed.

Whether it was alcohol or drugs.

Or perhaps both.

In any case, I couldn’t stay here like this all night. When I turned on my smartphone, I had received multiple messages and calls from Senior Su-Young. But I didn’t want to talk to anyone right now.

I didn’t know where my accommodation was, and I didn’t want to go there.

Should I go home alone? Yet it would take several hours by car to get home. I couldn’t afford to take a taxi, and I would need to catch a bus, but getting to the terminal was also a problem.

Even if I took a taxi, I didn’t know if they would accept my drenched self.

I searched my smartphone for transportation options, but there were no available seats.

Now, I didn’t know what to do. Should I try to find somewhere to stay?

My head hurt too much to think straight.

So, I simply walked on.

I didn’t even think about where I was going. I didn’t want to think anymore. My head hurt too much.

I wanted to just flow away with the rainwater.

But while this rain was strong enough to soak me, it was too weak to wash me away.

My body started to shiver.

Should I just collapse like this?

I thought that if I let go of my consciousness, my heart might feel at peace.

I paused for a moment and looked up at the sky.

Is it because it’s the countryside? Unlike the night sky of Seoul, there were many stars.

While I blankly gazed at the sky, a car passing by suddenly screeched to a stop.

Reflexively looking at the car, I saw a middle-aged woman behind the wheel.

But the voice calling me came from the backseat.

“Sir, what are you doing here?”

That address made me instinctively want to scoff.

In the back seat of the car was Ji Kang-hyeon with a startled expression.

I wasn’t relieved, nor was he particularly close to me. But perhaps because of that mismatching form of address in this situation, everything felt somehow inconsequential.

The girl with white hair, no,

I,

collapsed right there.