“Hmph.”
“…”
“You must strive harder.”
That was the brief critique my father gave after watching me practice the sword techniques I’d honed for three whole years.
To be honest, if I didn’t expect anything, I’d be lying. Though Father is always stern and never smiles, I thought he might show some approval seeing his daughter’s sword skills reach such heights.
It was all just my misunderstanding.
Just that much.
“…Yes, I’ll work harder.”
Even though it was only a short critique, I bowed in gratitude that he gave any feedback at all.
“Hmph, good job.”
“Please go safely.”
My towering father, as big as Mount Tai, left with heavy stomps without even looking back.
Though he doesn’t bend his steadfast will whether rain or shine, I admire him more than anyone else.
Sometimes, it makes me feel a little lonely. Even though he knows how hard I’ve worked. Even though I’ve trained tirelessly to the point of blisters on my hands and sleepless nights.
Is giving a little encouragement really that difficult?
It just makes me feel lonely.
Ah, I almost forgot to introduce myself.
My name is Sir Beatrix Constantinou.
I am the captain of the First Holy Knights Division of the Holy Order and the daughter of Pope Constantinou.
Two hundred years ago, marriage for clergy was strictly forbidden by canon law. But following the Messiah’s holy words “Be fruitful and multiply,” two centuries ago the pope allowed clergy to have one spouse. Since then, clergymen began marrying…
And thus, I was born as a clergyman’s daughter.
The daughter of the pope, wielding immense power and authority – who wouldn’t envy that position?
Honestly though, I’m not happy at all. Some might call it greed, but it’s because I don’t receive Father’s love. Because I can’t meet his expectations, and because I can’t live up to the vague hopes people place on me as the pope’s bloodline. Just that much.
I’m simply not happy.
Whoosh!
“Captain! Are you practicing again?”
Just as I was about to swing my sword again after Father left, one of my subordinates approached.
“Lucio, what is it?”
“Captain’s so stiff today. Do I need a reason to come here? I just wanted to watch you practice.”
“Don’t just stand there idle. You should be training too. Rest is the pinnacle of laziness for those with good fortune.”
“Aiyah! I already finished my training for today! Put away those terrible words!”
“Then do you need to be here next to me? Why don’t you find something to do? You’re distracting me from my training.”
Whoosh! Whoosh!
“Haha, Captain is great and all, but sometimes you’re too mechanical. People need rest when they’re tired or they’ll break down.”
“Hearing you say that makes me want to break down. Isn’t pushing oneself to the limit a glorious proof?”
“Captain’s saying dangerous things again.”
Whoosh!
“Please don’t even joke about that. Every time we see you, our unit members get anxious. We worry you’ll suddenly collapse with a nosebleed.”
“I train because I want to. Why are you all worried?”
“That’s why we question if you really enjoy it.”
“…”
“What did His Holiness say today?”
“He said I still need improvement and must strive harder.”
“Ah, you should really stop using that word ‘still.’ The Pope probably won’t acknowledge you even after a hundred years. He’s a heartless man.”
He might be right.
But I can’t give up.
I am Beatrix Constantinou. A Holy Knight who follows only the Lord’s teachings and seeks to walk the seven paths of virtue.
Ironically, I’m currently more influenced by this person called Father than by the Lord. But I shouldn’t use that as an excuse. Excuses are just pitiful rationalizations for losers.
Besides, if I ever gain enough skill to earn Father’s recognition, would such excuses even matter?
“Captain, may I say something?”
Whoosh!
“Speak.”
“Don’t let yourself be bound by the Pope.”
“…”
“You know how great the Pope is. Upright and noble, right? He’s just bad at expressing emotions, so he’s strict with you.”
“But still…”
“The Pope is very strict, solemn, and serious. Ah, do you know what we call the Pope these days? The ‘Yeon-Geun-Jin’ Pope, taking the first syllable of each of those traits!”
“Fuf.”
“Please don’t let that nickname reach the Pope’s ears. If it does, we’ll all be dragged off to reeducation! Hahaha!”
You actually made me laugh for once.
There’s no way that would happen.
“Don’t worry. I’ll keep that nickname… ahem, to myself forever.”
“Haha, I trust in Captain!”
Lucio, one of the Holy Knights under my command, is quite a good guy. We can even exchange light-hearted jokes despite my severe lack of social skills.
This is technically my knight division, but the relationship between me and the knights isn’t particularly close. There’s always an unbridgeable distance.
They respect me as a model Holy Knight, but they don’t try to build personal friendships.
That suits me fine. For the daughter of the Pope, forming casual friendships with knights would be a luxury.
Occasionally, like now, having light conversations with Lucio like this does make me feel a bit better.
Whoosh!
This is just mental refreshment. Any more indulgence has no place in my life.
Because I’m still insufficient.
Because I don’t meet the expectations of Father, the people, and the world.
I must train even more devoutly.
Whoosh!
I swing my Greatsword, which is nearly 2.5 meters long. This massive blade, wide enough that three people standing side-by-side couldn’t cover its edge, has been through countless battles with me.
Called a Greatsword, this weapon has helped me achieve countless righteous victories against evil, raising the banner of glorious triumph. All my accomplishments are possible thanks to this sword.
In reality, it’s practically my second self.
Lately though, doubts creep in.
Am I really fit to wield this sword? Is it too great for someone like me?
Since I only hear criticism from Father and see no progress, these useless distractions grow stronger.
“Ca-Captain! It’s an emergency! An emergency!”
While lost in meaningless thoughts, Lucio who had left earlier came running back out of breath.
“Why are you so excited? Lucio.”
“The barbarians are invading! Our northern territory is under attack!”
“…! So they finally…! But why are you so worked up? Barbarians frequently invade us anyway.”
“B-but! This time it’s different! They’ve brought their entire army! It’s a full-scale invasion!”
“Impossible!”
Our neighboring nation, the Fighting Country (Tuguk), whose economy is based on warfare and enslaves prisoners of war, constantly conflicts with our beliefs.
These national conflicts naturally lead to armed clashes.
Though Tuguk frequently invades us, a full-scale invasion with their entire forces means they’re initiating the most terrible destruction – war.
Gripping my Greatsword tightly, I headed toward the northern battlefield.
Lucio’s words were true. Tuguk had meticulously planned and launched a surprise attack on our order, and our forces were losing every battle against their overwhelming strength.
Tuguk – the warrior nation. Their infantry, driven solely by the logic of power, is the strongest in the continent. Though I hate to admit it, even our Holy Knights struggle against Tuguk’s infantry.
The problem is, all of Tuguk’s armies are attacking us simultaneously. We’ve already lost the south, and the east, west, and north are occupied. All that remains is the Holy Emperor’s Palace in the center.
We are preparing our final stand here at the Holy Emperor’s Palace.
On this land filled with the history of the Lord’s teachings, I will stake my life.
“Captain! The Pope is convening a bishop’s meeting!”
“Bishop’s meeting?”
“Yes! It might be our last, so please come properly prepared and alert!”
“Putting that extra comment is unnecessary. If it was a common message to all bishops, it would be better.”
“Well… It seems the Pope added that specifically for you…”
“Of course.”
Sighing softly, I straightened my clothes. It’s best not to give them any excuses, even in this situation where the end is near.
There are roles for everyone in society. Elders pass down their knowledge to future generations, and children humbly receive that knowledge.
Men typically work outside or fight with weapons, while women manage the household or provide support inside.
I have no complaints about this system. Everyone has their own suitable roles. If they’re satisfied, what’s the problem? However…
I just want to be a knight acknowledged by Father.
The elders, priests, and even Father tell me to become a nun.
But I don’t want to be a nun. I don’t want to sit idly in the church, putting on fake smiles for occasional visitors. I don’t want to be that weak woman.
Holy Knight.
Firmly planting my steps on the ground, clad in pure white armor, defending sacred beliefs with my body – that’s my ideal.
However, there has never been a female Holy Knight before. It’s common sense that male followers become priests or knights, while female followers become nuns. People who hear my dream either mock me or worry about me.
But I didn’t want to be a frail woman. I wanted to be a protector rather than someone protected. That’s why I picked up a sword. Not just any sword, but a Greatsword, large enough that even average men struggle to wield.
I trained. When others rested, I trained. When others slept, I trained. When others played, I trained.
They say effort never betrays you. Eventually, I became the first female Holy Knight, and now I’m the captain of the First Holy Knights Division. Still, there are those who look down on me, making me wonder if things would have been different if I were born a man.
Whatever the case, carrying my Greatsword on my back, I headed to where the bishop’s meeting would be held.
“You’ve arrived.”
Upon sitting at the round table where the bishop’s meeting would take place, Father spoke.
“Yes, Your Holiness.”
“Since everyone seems to be here, I shall begin the bishop’s meeting.”
At Father’s solemn declaration, the atmosphere around the table grew heavy.
The first to speak was the First Bishop, who had been restless since the start.
“We must prepare for retreat!”
It was the expected suggestion. The First Bishop always argued that we have no chance of winning this fight and advocated abandoning the Holy Emperor’s Palace to flee to another country. I sighed.
It’s not entirely wrong. We do have His Holiness Father here, but our opponent is Tuguk. It’s not just that we’re surrounded. Moreover…
“First Bishop, we are currently encircled.”
“Even so, abandoning the Holy Emperor’s Palace… this is the land chosen by the Messiah!”
“Tuguk may be strong, but they’ve been fighting continuously. After defeating all our forces in the east, west, north, and south, they must be quite fatigued. To turn our backs without even fighting them…”
The other priests began to counter the First Bishop’s argument. I remained silent.
I’m an unpopular figure among them because most of their sons wanted the position of captain of the Holy Knights Division that I now hold.
“Third Bishop, has Tuguk ever stopped fighting? They are always engaged in battle! It’s unreasonable to sacrifice all our descendants for this single building!”
“First Bishop! Don’t twist the meaning of the Messiah’s intentions! It’s heresy!”
“We must find a way. Continuing like this will result in certain death. We must break through Tuguk’s encirclement and seek survival.”
“Heresy! Heresy! How can you abandon this blessed land! Our duty is to firmly defend this land of the Lord!”
“Second Bishop’s excitement is understandable, but he’s not wrong. A glorious martyr is better than a surviving apostate.”
“Martyrdom varies. We must save the children at least. We cannot force the duty of martyrdom on innocent children who understand nothing.”
“Hmm… Is there any possibility that Tuguk would spare the children?”
“It’s better to die than live as slaves under Tuguk, who turns captives into war prisoners and treats them as slaves. We cannot allow our children to be treated less than human.”
“Considering collective martyrdom as a last resort… sigh…”
The atmosphere at the table grew solemn. Collective martyrdom, while possible for the Lord, should only be considered as a last option.
Still, the fact that it’s being mentioned shows…
“Ultimately, there’s only one thing.”
“Sir Beatrix?”
“This is our final battleground.”
“…”
“Whether we flee or defend, we must fight. We must fight to open an escape route and to protect the Holy Emperor’s Palace.”
“…”
My words seemed to resonate with the bishops, who usually dislike me, as they nodded in agreement. I closed my mouth again.
“Sir Beatrix is correct.”
In the silence that followed, Father alone spoke.
“Whether we evacuate or sacrifice our lives, the necessity to fight remains unchanged. Tomorrow, we shall engage in a decisive battle with the wicked hordes of Tuguk.”
His voice carried authority and dignity that none dared to challenge.
“…Then.”
“?’
“If we’re going to fight anyway, let’s break through their encirclement. Let’s create an escape route to send at least the children to the empire. We’ll hold the line here at the Holy Emperor’s Palace and wait for reinforcements from the empire.”
The First Bishop’s suggestion met with a nod from Father.
“Good suggestion. Then, who will lead the charge to break through?”
“…”
The ones who were advocating for battle moments ago hesitated. I understand. No one wants to hasten their own death.
Tuguk’s encirclement is thick and tight. Opening the gates of the Holy Emperor’s Palace to charge into enemy lines is akin to suicide.
“The Holy Knights Division should take responsibility. Isn’t that their duty?”
The Second Bishop glanced at me as he spoke.
“I agree. It would be best for the First Knights Division to clear the path.”
The Third Bishop pointed directly at me.
“I concur. With the exception of His Holiness, Sir Beatrix is the greatest combatant in our order. She must bear the responsibility that comes with such power.”
Finally, even the First Bishop drove the point home.
With the bishops’ opinions delivered, Father’s gaze turned toward me. I closed my eyes bitterly.
Though it’s not entirely free of personal feelings, they aren’t wrong.
Holy Knights exist to protect. To protect faith, the order, and the believers.
As the premier Holy Knight, it’s my duty to step forward.
“Yes, the First Knights Division will proceed.”
“Sir Beatrix, are you sure you’ll be alright?”
Father asked with concern in his tone. How long has it been since Father showed me such emotion?
So it’s only when I’m about to die that you show me this side.
I responded expressionlessly.
“No problem.”
“…”
Afterward, the bishop’s meeting concluded after addressing a few minor agenda items. Returning, I informed the First Knights Division that we would be heading to the battlefield tomorrow. Some accepted it with resignation, while others cried out against the impending death they couldn’t avoid.
Looking out from the city walls, I saw the enemy camp surrounding us. Each soldier was fully armored and armed, brazenly training right before our eyes even during peacetime. At the front lines stood Agasilias, the commander of Tuguk, limping.
Agasilias, who overcame numerous adversities despite being born with a limp to become the king of Tuguk, was once my idol… Now he’s merely the enemy commander. I glared at him for a while before returning inside.
By now, the Sun God had hidden behind the horizon. The blazing sun sank into the earth, and the moon, the sun’s shadow, shyly revealed itself between the windows. This moon I see through the window might be the last one I ever see.
Creak.
Returning to my room, I sat on the bed. The hard, rusted bed was similar to the life I’ve led.
Clack.
I opened a bottle of wine. While I don’t drink to the point of intoxication to maintain composure, I do enjoy wine very much. Drinking helps me forget loneliness and sorrow.
Slurp.
When the day breaks and becomes tomorrow, I will die. I’ll be torn apart into thousands of pieces by the vast tide of enemies.
I have no regrets. No lingering attachments. On the contrary, it’s what I desired.
After I die like this, those who looked down on me because I’m a woman won’t dare speak ill of me anymore. Perhaps my stoic father will shed a tear for his daughter.
“Ah…”
Perhaps from the alcohol, my heart feels unsettled. The calm I had just moments ago is overwhelmed by indescribable emotions.
Drip.
“Aaaah…”
Hot, transparent tears flow from my eyes. A Holy Knight should be strong, shouldn’t cry, and certainly shouldn’t whimper pitifully.
Actually, I have one regret that I couldn’t admit while sober. Hearing the words “I love you” just once from Father. That’s all. If I could hear those words, I would die happily.
“Ah, aaaah…”
All my life, I’ve worked hard to please Father.
Tomorrow, I will die.
The fact weighs heavily on me. I’m pressed down helplessly.
It’s futile. It’s unjust. It’s sorrowful.
I want Father’s approval. I don’t ask for a pitiful extension of life. I just want to hear the words “good job” from Father once, just once.
It feels like all my lifelong efforts are collapsing like a broken dam. Like the salty seawater flowing from my eyelids now.
<Lord.>
<I do not seek salvation.>
<If only you would bestow mercy upon your sheep,>
<I would die joyfully.>
While praying fervently with my hands raised to the empty sky,
[Hey there, Lady? How about lifting your head up?]
A voice came from the window.
It was sticky, soft, and sweet.
Wiping away the tears from the corners of my eyes, I looked up and saw a man standing by the window.
With black wings on his back.
With goat horns protruding from his forehead.
Holding an inverted cross symbolizing evil.
A tall, pale, and handsome man.
[How pitiful. Truly, the Lord is too harsh, isn’t he? How could he abandon such a lovely lady to death?]
[I wouldn’t do that. Come, Lady. Take my hand. Become one of my followers and accept my power. Then you can survive, lead this war to victory, gain everyone’s recognition, and receive your father’s abundant love that you’ve longed for.]
[Come on, hurry. Opportunities to change your life don’t come around often, you know.]
Though his voice was tempting enough to make me succumb immediately,
My instincts screamed. He’s dangerous.
Reaching for my Greatsword nearby, I asked cautiously with heightened alertness.
“Who are you?”
He spread his arms wide and proclaimed loudly.
[I am the Son of Dawn! The Fallen Angel Lucifer! And I am here to be your savior!]
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