Chapter 44

I tried not to care, but I guess an engagement ceremony is still nerve-wracking. I can’t even properly take a sip of water. At a glance, Melchior, Melissa, and Glacia seem to be chatting with the guests, but I have nothing to talk about with them. I can’t just go up to a stranger and say, “What’s your favorite anime? Oh, ‘Iron-Blooded Orphans’? You’re a crazy bastard,” and then throw a Confucian punch. That’s just not how it works.

I just wanted to get the ceremony over with and eat in peace. I haven’t eaten anything since morning, so I’m starving, but I felt too self-conscious to go out and grab something. This is why they say international marriages are tough. With no one I know around, I feel like I’m sitting on pins and needles.

“Aren’t you hungry, Werner?”

It was Melchior. He brought a plate full of roasted goose and soft butter biscuits—all of Werner’s favorites.

“How did you know I was hungry, brother?”

“You haven’t eaten anything since morning.”

“Sigh… You’re so thoughtful.”

I sighed and took the plate, stabbing a piece of goose with a fork. It was a bit cold, but the salty flavor and tender texture suited my taste. Or rather, Werner’s taste? The butter biscuits were savory, crispy on the outside, and moist on the inside, like Garrosh Hellscream.

“Werner… Are you really okay with this?”

“The dice have already been cast.”

“Don’t decide life matters with dice. Especially something as important as a partner.”

“Since I can’t even use great magic, I couldn’t join the journey to cure Media noona’s illness. What kind of life is that? I’ll just live as I can.”

Then, a heavy blow struck my head. I wondered if Werner’s skull, already battered by constant shocks, had finally given out.

The person who hit me was none other than Melissa. That damn old hag, wearing her pedophilia skin, was trying to kill me.

“Don’t treat my daughter as just another option in your ‘live as I can’ life, youngest. And we’ll definitely find a way to fix your body, no matter what.”

How do they plan to fix Werner’s condition, which even the Heavenly Demon Old Man gave up on? I wanted to avoid talking about my condition, so I held my head where Melissa had struck and whined.

“Ouch, noona… If my head’s durability drops and I get killed by some bad guys, what will you do then?”

It was more of a grumble than a real question, but Melchior and Melissa took it seriously.

“Then we’ll kill anyone who dares touch our youngest! No, before they even think about it, we’ll crush their skulls. How dare they…”

“Watch your language.”

As expected, the only one who can tame a barbarian warrior is his wife. Melissa smiled sweetly and gave her answer.

“If anyone dares to do such a terrible thing to our youngest, we’ll make them beg for death.”

“Oh, really? You’re right, hahaha!!!”

And then they both started laughing heartily. Hahaha, these crazy people. Glacia is surprisingly normal for someone raised in this insane family. They really are ridiculous, but I also felt like I wanted to be part of their family. Even before the possession, I never had a family. Is it greedy to want something I’ve never had?

“The ceremony will start soon, right? Youngest, if you run away this time, I’ll really kill you, you know?”

“Weren’t you the one who just said you’d make anyone who kills me beg for death?”

“Yeah, but your brother and I are fine~.”

Damn vampire hag, her heart is as rotten as her words.

“Tsk… No wonder you’re as short as a dwarf, you old hag.”

I muttered under my breath, but it seemed Melissa’s hearing was as sharp as ever.

Today’s trivia: If someone kicks you in the ribs, it hurts like hell. My side still aches.

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The northern engagement ceremony was a bit unusual. Not that the bride would put the groom in a rear naked choke or anything, but the emcee gave a brief introduction of the man and woman, who then faced each other and touched foreheads. After exchanging flowers, they cut and shared bread, and that was it.

The emcee was a veteran who had been hosting at the arena for 30 years. I was a bit uneasy, but I decided to trust him. He held a magic tool that looked like a microphone. In-game, it’s said to be made from the vocal organ of a gigantic bat.

“Hello, everyone!!! I’m Poswagen, your host for today!!!”

The name sounded familiar, but the engagement ceremony felt more like an arena event. Strangely, no one seemed to question it. If it were Melissa, she’d be firing blood magic at the guy for hosting her daughter’s engagement like this, but she was just laughing.

Hmm… I guess that’s just northern culture. Gotta respect it, right? Maybe it’s normal for the host to yell during an engagement ceremony in the north. Culture should be respected, as long as it’s not cannibalism or shitting in the streets. Of course, if someone goes to another country and demands respect for their own culture, they deserve a Confucian punch.

“Today, we have a blessed couple getting engaged, as you all know!!!!!”

Is this guy’s throat okay? It’s so loud, I’m tempted to smash his skull with a Confucian punch, but I’m afraid of the consequences. First engagement, I ran away. Second engagement, I smash the emcee’s skull with a Confucian punch? Even Buddha would shake his head and unleash his divine palm, Jesus would perform Nazareth Swordsmanship Form 1 – Satan Slash, and Confucius would deliver a true Confucian punch.

Fearing the combined attack of the three sages, I decided to stay put.

Then the emcee called me after showering the ceremony with all sorts of flowery words.

“And the blessed man!!! The great Archmage everyone knows!!! A part of the great heroes!!! The sorcerer who disappeared like the wind and returned like the wind!!! Werner Altan!!!”

No matter how I hear it, it sounds like introducing a fighter at the arena. I really want to throw a Confucian punch. But seeing Melchior, Melissa, and everyone else clapping, I guess this is northern culture. Damn northerners, your culture is wild. Are you guys really not eating human flesh?

I sighed and forced a smile as I entered. Some women at the ceremony were blushing, so Werner’s face must be a cheat. I even saw some guys blushing—they’re definitely getting a Confucian punch later. I won’t respect any culture where men are into me. There will be no BL in my life, and even if I throw a Confucian punch at them, the three sages would praise me.

Then the emcee grabbed the mic again and introduced Glacia.

“And today’s second protagonist!!! The current ruler of the north!!! The greatest warrior born from the blood of two great heroes!!! The Duke of the North!!! Glacia Winterheart!!!”

No matter how I hear it, it’s like introducing a fighter at the arena. I almost wanted to strike a pose and throw a Confucian punch or lightning magic at Glacia.

But thankfully, we were having an engagement ceremony, not an arena match. We faced each other and touched foreheads. During that moment, her face was smiling more happily than anyone else’s. So she really does like Werner.

Now, all that was left was to cut and share the bread. Just as I was about to cut it…

BANG! The door to the venue was smashed open. What, terrorists? Or Team Rocket?

It wasn’t Team Rocket. There were two intruders in robes.

They removed their robes, and I finally saw their faces. Damn, Team Rocket would’ve been better.

Camelia drew her sword and said, “Melissa, Melchior, I think this is a bit much…”

And my disciple, Airi, waved at me happily. “Master! You’ve been through a lot! I’ll save you now!”

The trouble just started… I turned to look at Glacia’s expression.

The smile from earlier was gone, replaced by a cold, murderous glare. And Werner’s sharp hearing caught her soft mutter.

“That bitch…”