Chapter 40

When the long night finally passed and morning came, Ariana, who had just regained her senses, couldn’t control her trembling body.

“I’m sorry,” she said.

“I lost control,” she said.

“I must have gone crazy,” she said.

It was a whole ordeal just trying to calm her down by hugging her as she cried so much. I clearly told her I was fine, though.

I thought it would be better to get dressed, but I couldn’t muster the strength in my waist.

I had been ignoring it for a while, but my body was in pain. A headache started to set in, and my mind felt foggy. It felt like all the muscles in my body, which had been tossing and turning all night, were screaming in agony.

Cold, hot, and painful. My body felt like it was on the verge of a serious illness.

Well, it did feel like I had almost turned into a personal toy. Personally, I prefer it gentle, but it was a bit rough. I can’t complain since I was the one who initiated it.

In the end, I gave up and started stroking her back while still naked.

“It’s okay, Ariana. I gave you permission, right? It’s not your fault.”

“I… I won’t… hic… do it again… I won’t fall for… hic… temptation again… I’m sorry…”

She said there wouldn’t be such a thing again. I just smiled.

I know humans well. Humans are creatures who can’t control their desires. Especially when they’ve already given in and enjoyed it to the fullest.

Now that it’s over, it’s easy to say, but can I really say for sure that it won’t happen again?

I don’t think so.

“It’s okay if you give in. I… I kind of enjoyed it, you know? Turns out, my sexual preference hasn’t changed—I still prefer women over men. Much more.”

It was a bit painful and scary, but overall, it was bearable. The physical orgasm was purely good. Plus, Ariana is, well, pretty. She’s the kind of woman who would have been out of my league back home.

“You… enjoyed it? What…?”

“What do you mean? I’m human too. I have sexual desires, and if I don’t release them, they build up. I haven’t been doing it, so maybe I was more pent up than others.”

“No, I mean… what do you mean by ‘preferring women’…?”

She suddenly stopped crying and looked flustered, so I tilted my head and then let out an “Ah.” That must be an important question for you.

But do you really need to ask? The fact that I initiated it obviously means it’s your preference too. Did you really think I forced you and that’s why you’re so sorry?

…If you were a man, I wouldn’t have even tried. I may have gone crazy, but I still had some boundaries.

Anyway, if you want an answer, I can give it to you.

“I’m a lesbian too.”

“…Oh.”

Ariana’s face brightened.

I could tell exactly what she was thinking. I could have corrected her, but I didn’t feel like it.

“In that sense, Ariana’s technique wasn’t bad. A bit rough, but that’s partly my fault for getting you excited.”

“What kind of… that’s not comforting at all…”

“Haha, is that so?”

She seems to be in a better mood now.

I think no one would dislike hearing that it wasn’t bad after having sex with someone they like. She seemed to have calmed down, so I smiled slightly.

Actually, it really wasn’t bad for me either. Maybe not the process, but the result.

The stimulation definitely did its job, waking up my dried-up spirit. Even though I hadn’t slept, I felt more energetic than yesterday. Just for that, it was worth it. Though I can’t deny it was a bit of an unconventional form of self-harm.

I don’t like self-harm. I only do it because there’s nothing else. I still hate pain.

So, trying to replace it with something else, even a little, is constructive, right?

It’s okay.

Thanks to that, I can endure a bit more now.

I think that’s enough.

***

About an hour later, I developed a high fever and couldn’t get out of bed. The lung disease I already had flared up, and I was in and out of critical condition for a week.

Ariana, who had been nursing me, started blaming herself again. But once I recovered, she pounced on me as if to make up for the week she couldn’t touch me.

I knew this would happen. Sometimes I think humans have their brains in their lower half.

I won’t blame you for being disillusioned. It’s instinct. If anything, it’s my fault for being too weak to resist you, right?

From that day on, my daily life became a cycle of getting seriously ill and then being attacked. At first, Ariana felt guilty, but as I didn’t say anything, she started to take this routine for granted. Maybe she even thinks I’m enjoying it.

I was fooled. I said I was a lesbian, but I never said I liked you. Ariana turned out to be simpler than I thought. The kid I always thought was so mature now seemed like a typical teenager, and it was hard not to laugh.

Her actions were anything but childlike, though. She was so beastly that my body couldn’t recover after each time.

“Ahaha.”

Anyway, it was bearable. Not enjoyable, but not bad either.

Hard, painful, tormenting, and feels like I’m dying.

But still, it’s better than doing nothing.

It’s livable.

“Remia… do you like it?”

“Maybe…”

It’s livable.

Really.

***

Ariana’s room had a bed by the window. When the sun set, I would lean against the bed and look at the night sky.

There wasn’t any special reason. It was just that being locked in the room left me with nothing to do, so I ended up finding something worth looking at.

It feels like I’ve become the tragic heroine of a story. Locked in a tower, yearning for the night sky. If I were the protagonist, the ending would definitely be me jumping off the tower, pretending to go on a journey.

It’s not exactly a bright emotion to call it yearning, but it’s a hobby I’ve come to accept. Repeating it over and over, it became a routine, and now I can tell the date just by the moon’s changes.

But even with repetition, something does stick in this dumb brain of mine. It’s surprising to realize that there’s still room for development in me.

As I was looking at the night sky as usual, Ariana sat down next to me and started a conversation.

“Do you like stars?”

“If I had to choose, I dislike them.”

“Really? You always look at them every night. Oh, because there’s nothing else to see…”

Nature.

I felt a bit shriveled up, like I’d been hit right in the feels.

Yeah, it’s true, there’s nothing else to see.

Not that I’m a fan of stars or anything.

What I like is the moon.

Not those creepy glass shards stuck in a starry black canvas.

“…That’s not it. I was just looking at the moon.”

“The moon? But it’s not supposed to be out today…”

Listening to Ariana, I looked up at the sky again, only to find countless stars scattered across it. No matter how hard I looked, there was no moon. Of course not—it’s a new moon tonight.

Not that I was hallucinating or anything. I was just staring at the empty space where the moon should’ve been.

“You can see the moon every night until you’re sick of it, right? So maybe the unseen has more value. Just a pointless thought.”

“I see… I misunderstood.”

“Understandable. The stars are at their prettiest right now.”

“…True. That’s why I thought you might be looking at them. On moonless nights, the stars shine the brightest.”

And indeed, tonight’s stars were exceptionally bright and noticeable.

Even though I don’t particularly like stars, I felt overwhelmed by the sheer number of them, as if they could pour down like rain. Back home, even in the countryside, I never saw a sight like this.

Every night, the sky looks the same, but tonight feels more emotional because the moon is missing. The moon here is so big and bright that it overshadows the faint stars around it. Yet, during the new moon, it gets completely buried by the even brighter sun. Poetic justice, I guess.

“Right. So many stars usually hidden by the moonlight. Who knew the moon was hogging the spotlight like that?”

Maybe that’s why my favorite phases of the moon are the full moon and the new moon.

One is completely full, the other completely gone. It might seem ironic, but they’re so opposite that they end up resembling each other.

At its brightest and darkest, the moon can’t coexist with its surroundings. It’s sad yet funny that its disappearance benefits everyone.

Still, I’m a little jealous. Whether it’s overshadowing or being overshadowed, the moon is always with something. The night sky is never alone.

“…I don’t know. If I were the moon, I think I’d feel lonely. Things that were dead when I was around only shine when I’m gone. What’s that about? It’s not like they’re excluding me.”

“I think I’d prefer it. Even at my brightest, a few really bright ones stay by my side. Isn’t it better to be close to a few than to know thousands vaguely?”

“Maybe… I’m not sure.”

Ariana nodded slightly, then pressed her temples as if she had a headache.

Seems like she’s confused. I didn’t mean for her to take it so seriously.

“Ugh, comparing the moon to people is hard. The standards are too big, so everything ends up feeling the same.”

“…True. It’s all a lie in the end. There are always stars by its side, no matter what.”

It’s a bit ugly, but I’ve felt a little jealous of the moon before. Drunk at dawn, I once felt a kinship with it, only to feel betrayed when I saw the stars next to it.

Maybe the reason I look at the moon every night is because I’m projecting people onto it. With no friends or family, I treat the moon like a friend. A friend I’m a little jealous of because they’re doing so well.

“For people, a few dozen is plenty. Comparing zero to thousands is a different story.”

I chuckled at myself, then turned my head when Ariana said something interesting.

Zero versus thousands.

Yeah, that’s a much more worthwhile dilemma.

I rolled the idea around in my head and suddenly wondered: What would Ariana choose?

“…What about you, Ariana?”

“Huh?”

“What you just said. Zero or thousands. If you had to choose, which would it be?”

“Ah. I’d… um.”

After a moment of thought, Ariana gave her answer.

“Thousands is too much. I’d rather live alone.”

It wasn’t surprising, but it was a little unexpected. I thought someone like Ariana would prefer living among people.

Then again, she’s not exactly a normal person. She’s lived by switching masks and surviving in the care of various hosts. If she liked people, that’d be weirder.

“What about zero versus a few dozen?”

“Oh, you’re really going for it. In that case…”

This time, the balance seemed more even, and she took longer to decide.

But when she answered, there was no hesitation. Her resolve was clear.

“I’d still rather live alone. I guess I just don’t like people.”

I was a little shocked.

Her misanthropy runs deeper than I thought. Maybe the reason she likes me is because she feels a kinship. Our similarities keep showing up in strange places.

I cautiously asked one last question. If she answered this one similarly, my view of her might change.

“What about zero versus… one?”

“That.”

No hesitation. With a picture-perfect smile, she looked me in the eye and spoke with restrained emotion.

“If that one is someone I like, I’d live with them.”

It was obvious who she was talking about. Her eyes, her body, her actions up to now made it clear.

Good.

At least this is where we differ.

“I see.”

A face popped into my head.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t Ariana.

“Me too.”

I wonder when I’ll be able to leave.

I didn’t feel this way earlier.

The star-filled night sky felt utterly empty.