In the room, when I returned to my guestroom after putting the items bought from a store in the accommodation into a bag. A, who was sitting on the sofa and looking outside, turned his head when he heard the sound of the door opening.
Our eyes met, but he silently entered and sat opposite me.
“Didn’t you just go out to buy cigarettes?”
He asked as he looked at the heavy-looking bag that seemed more than just cigarettes.
“I remembered there was something left in my bag, so I only bought drinks.”
When I went to the store. Something caught my eye, and thinking about the current situation, it didn’t seem impossible. My face felt hot.
But in the end, I couldn’t buy it. Reason returned faster than expected.
I thought I didn’t deserve to be sentimental with so many memories and emotions swirling around.
What if I did this back then? What if I did that back then?
Ultimately, it’s an unimaginable story, and all these imaginations were an extension of regret for the past self who made a choice without considering him.
“Do you also sell this?”
A’s lips curved into a smile as he glanced inside the bag placed on the table.
One of the things I unconsciously bought was a drink we often had during small drinking sessions together before.
It’s a product handled by Spacystro, so it’s not sold on Earth. I think it tastes similar to general spirits sold on Earth.
Even though it’s not a unique drink, A seemed happy because he remembered drinking it before.
I didn’t intend to be conscious of him, but unconsciously kept being aware of him, so I ended up buying it.
“Yeah, it was there. Want to have a glass?”
“Sure, I’d welcome that.”
He isn’t particularly fond of drinking. Even when invited to gatherings, he often declined or participated formally.
Before meeting me, he never went beyond the first round even when others went for multiple rounds.
Apparently, it wasn’t the case when he was under Angelique’s command.
I heard he used to actively participate in gatherings and enjoy laughing and chatting with others, making him a typical young man. I think the reason he stopped enjoying gatherings was due to the loss of someone dear.
So, I deliberately started having drinking sessions separately with A, and I realized it was right. While he still has the traits of a typical young man, the grief he experienced prevented him from enjoying himself.
A and I grew closer this way.
Despite our boss-employee relationship, he didn’t find me uncomfortable. Instead, he gladly accepted my invitations, and sometimes A would propose the idea himself.
“It’s been a while since we drank like this, hasn’t it?”
“Yeah, it’s the first time since coming to Earth.”
It’s much longer than that. The last time we had a drinking session was days before my arranged marriage began. It’s hard to recall now, as it feels like a distant past.
“That’s true.”
A took two glasses from the shelf and ice from the freezer and placed them on the table.
As soon as the spirits were opened, a fragrant aroma of alcohol filled the air.
Although I didn’t initially like it, I got used to drinking it whenever we had drinking sessions together, and now it feels sweet and fulfilling.
The glasses were filled with the drink and ice, and we lightly clinked glasses before taking a sip.
“It’s still delicious even after a long time.”
A’s lips curved into a smile. It was a look I once took for granted, but now it’s hard to see.
Back then, his smile was directed at me, and I smiled back.
“Were you surprised when you were assigned to design the training?”
“You could say I was more than just surprised. I was shocked.”
Since it was his first time handling such a task, he must have put a lot of effort into it, but there was no delay in the schedule he had managed so far.
He had previously changed positions several times, and those experiences helped him adapt to new tasks.
The difference this time was that he usually prepared meticulously before changing positions, but this time he didn’t.
Yet, he wasn’t worried. Considering his accumulated experience and how I had witnessed his growth, I believed he could handle it well.
“You’ll do great. You’ve done well in previous operations too.”
“I think it succeeded more because everyone contributed rather than my own ability.”
Though I consider him an exceptionally capable subordinate, he lacks confidence in his abilities. He always expects problems and blames himself if something goes wrong, attributing success to the help of others.
He tends to blame himself for failures and attribute successes to others’ contributions.
“Angele always praises you.”
“Yes. And I’ve gained strength from her praise. But I think it’s possible because Major Angele supported me.”
“But your own abilities are also crucial. Regardless of what others say, you did a good job on this operation. You don’t need to attribute everything to others.”
A’s statement isn’t entirely wrong. When something fails, it might be due to oneself, but it can also be due to others.
The same applies to success. Success can be attributed to the help of others and their abilities, but it’s also important to have the skill to draw out and utilize those abilities.
“Thank you.”
We raised our glasses again. The ice in the glasses made a refreshing sound as it hit the sides, and we took another sip.
“Angele always says this, but I also believe you’re doing well. Of course, you can’t do everything perfectly.”
Even though I said this, A didn’t respond. But I could guess what he was thinking.
“Sure, you’ve made mistakes and will continue to make them, but I think you’ve done well so far. So, I believe you’ll continue to do well.”
“…It feels like I’ve only made mistakes. In the past and now.”
He was looking at his reflection in the glass he held. A, who had been sitting quietly without raising his head, poured the remaining drink in his glass into his mouth.
“I’d prefer if there were no mistakes, especially those that can’t be undone.”
A always thought the failures were his fault.
“There’s no one who doesn’t make mistakes. There’s no such thing as a mistake that can’t be undone.”
And it was at that moment, when his personality led him to take responsibility for failures, that I was by his side.
Only by his side. I couldn’t do anything for him.
By then, our relationship was already strained.
“…Is that incident still bothering you?”
“I can’t help but think about it.”
Even without saying it, we both knew too well about the incident involving my arranged marriage and the person I was engaged to passing away.
“Because of me.”
“No, it’s not your fault.”
I refilled his empty glass. We didn’t clink glasses anymore and just looked at the drinks in our glasses.
The faces reflected on the surface looked dark. The ice in the glasses seemed to distort the reflections even more.
I know why he thinks this way. I also know why he switched from being a pilot to an engineer.
We gradually became closer, becoming closer than anyone else.
The time spent with A was enjoyable, and he cherished the moments we spent together.
We traveled many places, made numerous plans, and did many things together.
We trusted each other on the battlefield and cared for each other during trips.
Though we never explicitly said it, I think he was the closest thing to a lover in my life.
But after losing my mother and during the process of invading multiple planets, the arrangement for my marriage was made when I couldn’t settle down at home. I didn’t refuse.
There was certainly an element of coercion, but I had the clear right to refuse.
However, I accepted the marriage arrangement for the sake of the people at home, and A found out about it. After that day, we couldn’t maintain the same relationship.
I avoided A, and A avoided me.
Being close to someone like a lover made it even more uncomfortable.
Our relationship became awkward to the point where others noticed, and A and I became nothing more than a typical supervisor-employee relationship, just like any other.
If I had told A even once when the arranged marriage was first discussed, maybe our relationship would have improved. If I hadn’t unilaterally announced the decision, perhaps our relationship would have been more comfortable.
I imagined many scenarios, but nothing changed.
It was an irreversible mistake.
The arranged marriage progressed quickly. I became married to someone I only knew by name and face, without ever meeting them. The wedding ceremony was not performed, so it didn’t feel real, but that was just my perception.
Everyone around me became more aware of my arranged marriage, and conversations between A and me became less frequent.
“I keep thinking that if we had double-checked one more time back then. That thought keeps coming back to me.”
Finally, the day came when I met the person I was married to.
He was a famous general within Spacystro and had achieved many notable accomplishments, making him a promising military figure with a bright future.
On the day he visited, the aviation unit prepared extensively, and they were attacked by space pirates.
It was sudden. Quick checks were conducted, and many pilots took off in combat aircraft.
Among them was A, who was part of the squadron at the time.
Arriving at the scene first, A aimed to rescue the transport ship carrying his marriage partner after clearing the space pirates. It was a feasible situation, but for the first time that day, a malfunction occurred in A’s combat aircraft.
The weapons did not function properly, leaving A unable to do anything except maneuver. Meanwhile, the transport ship carrying his marriage partner was destroyed by the space pirates.
Thanks to the reinforcements that arrived later, the space pirates were successfully eliminated, but the most critical rescue target was not saved.
“If we had checked one more time instead of rushing out, the captain might be living happily somewhere better now.”
A felt deep guilt, believing he failed to save the person because of his own actions.
A, who was recognized for his combat skills, never boarded a combat aircraft again after that day.
The last time he boarded one was apparently when he rescued Luche (Ati).
Not boarding the combat aircraft, A applied for a position change. Surprisingly, it was as an engineer.
Accepting his application to avoid malfunctions like that, he thoroughly prepared to become an engineer.
I believe that A and I ended up in our current relationship because he accepted my application to become an engineer.
I couldn’t comfort A, who was feeling guilty, nor could I stop him from making choices driven by guilt.
“A.”
“Yes?”
“Even if I met that person and went to a better place, I don’t think I would have been happy.”
Lost in old thoughts, the desire to comfort him brought out my true feelings, which I hadn’t revealed in a long time.
“It might seem strange to say this now, but I really liked you back then.”
A remained silent.
“Maybe not accepting the arranged marriage back then would have led to the happiest outcome.”
Regretting too much has gone wrong.
I don’t have the right to say this now, but I wish he understood my feelings back then.
“At first, it was just about taking care of a subordinate superficially, but at some point, I found joy in being with you. I wondered what kind of work we’d do next or where we’d go. Thinking like that made me happy without realizing it.”
My face felt hot. Was it because I felt embarrassed to reveal my true feelings? Or was it because I felt ashamed to speak this way now? Or maybe just because of the alcohol?
“I think the path to my happiness was refusing the arranged marriage and telling you my true feelings. So, it’s not A’s fault that we ended up here. And I am truly happy now.”
I smiled. The forced smile made my heart ache even more.
Our relationship ended up this way solely because of my fault.
I felt full of remorse, and to show that I was okay despite the remorse, the fake smile was obvious to anyone.
A’s expression wasn’t good. He seemed to be lost in complex thoughts.
“I think I also liked the captain back then.”
Hearing this, the forced smile on my face disappeared. I stared at him with wide eyes in surprise.
“I didn’t realize it back then. I thought I didn’t deserve to like anyone. Ironically, when someone loves me, I realized how much I liked and relied on the captain.”
Our hearts were directed toward each other. It wasn’t just simple goodwill and interest; we saw each other as potential romantic partners.
My heart raced. It was my fault that I disappointed his feelings and hopes.
Yet, he felt guilty for not being able to protect my happiness until now.
If I could turn back time, I’d want to go back to that moment when I could have given the purest smile. But that too is a regret—regretting not being able to preserve the happiness of the past.
“I didn’t realize it back then, but I thought it was better for the captain if his arranged marriage succeeded. Even if I couldn’t do it perfectly.”
He still thinks it’s his fault.
No, it’s mine. Throughout, A only thought about me.
I failed to properly acknowledge A’s efforts for me, and I didn’t express my gratitude.
He did his best in every operation for me, did a lot for me, gave up his feelings for me, and tried to save my marriage partner for me.
I didn’t know any of this back then and didn’t say anything to A.
I had no face to meet him, using that as an excuse.
“Now?”
I gently asked as I placed the glass in my hand on the table.
“What?”
I heard A’s dull response and directed my wavering gaze toward him.
“What’s it like now?”
I stood up from the sofa and slowly approached him.
It’s clear I’m crazy. Saying this now won’t change anything.
Thinking that I couldn’t say anything to him, my selfishness rose again.
Perhaps my reckless actions might irreversibly change my relationship with A.
A didn’t answer my question. It felt like I was repeating my question over and over in my mind.
Having expressed our regrets and thoughts about how we felt back then, I developed a desire.
Now it’s too late. So, just once, just for a moment, I wish I could go back to that time.
Gradually, the distance between us narrowed. As I approached, it felt like my heartbeat grew louder.
“I…”
Just before his response came out, I pressed my lips against his.
I wanted to know more about A’s feelings back then. Even though I had heard it directly from him, I wanted to know more.
I wanted to undo some of the mistakes of the regretful past. Even though I said all mistakes are irreversible… my actions didn’t match my words.
Still, I wanted to know the feelings of a happier time, a time when I could have been even happier.
I am a selfish woman. Now that he has a girlfriend, I can’t fully be with him anymore.
Knowing this, I still acted this way.
Thinking about the softness of his lips and his breath, I felt…
I want to be even more selfish.
