Living through life, one accumulates numerous experiences, and these experiences become that person’s strength. This strength, named experience, is power, and as one accumulates this power, they can overcome more challenges.
The types of experiences are incredibly diverse. Experiences aren’t limited to unimaginably large events; trivial, minor incidents can also be considered experiences.
The same applies to relationships with people. By interacting with many individuals, listening to their voices, observing their eyes, and watching their actions, one accumulates experiences. Through this, one gradually learns various ways to meet different people.
Even though I was always immature and lacked abilities, I thought I had experienced just as much as others by meeting people.
Of course, the experience of meeting people isn’t vastly different for everyone.
There are common gestures and expressions, and within these, one can discern the other’s thoughts or read the atmosphere.
No matter where you go, the differences are not significant.
When angry, one makes an angry face; when happy, a happy face.
Sometimes, despite being angry, one might smile, but no one would say someone looks happy when they have an angry face.
I believed that there was no such thing as a completely new expression in the world because I had experienced so much.
That was before I had girlfriends.
Before I knew it, the loving gaze my loved one gave me after realizing I was loved by them was something I only learned about after having girlfriends.
My parents also cared for me with utmost love, but the way they looked at me was clearly different from the way my girlfriends looked at me.
In this way, I felt the warmth of the gaze given by the one I loved, experiencing yet another form of experience.
Perhaps there could still be expressions in the world that I haven’t seen.
While it wouldn’t be easy to see them, I’m sure there are still things I don’t know. Considering that it pertains to people, it might be okay to think there are as many unknowns as there are people in the entire universe.
However, the new expression I saw wasn’t from a girlfriend, nor from someone I just met, nor from someone who harbored hostility towards me.
Through the face of an old friend whom I’ve known for a long time, I saw an expression I had never seen before.
Seira’s lower lip trembled slightly as her gaze, directed towards me, began to waver.
Should I call it a look of surprise?
But Seira’s eyes were too complex to be described simply as surprise.
They seemed to contain both positive and negative emotions simultaneously, a gaze that couldn’t be attributed to a single emotion.
“Seira?”
“Uh? Uh.”
When I called her name softly in a low voice, Seira, who had regained her senses, startled and answered.
“I think it’s possible that it may not be. It’s just that I happened to find out…”
“Who told you?”
“No, it was just my own thought.”
I couldn’t bring myself to say that Theo had told me.
If it were true, it would mean that all the feelings she had shown me until now were ultimately unnoticed by me.
Feelings are precious. Even if Theo’s words were false, I couldn’t immediately say that he had informed me.
“So that’s it. You figured it out on your own.”
A faint smile appeared on her lips, which quickly disappeared. Seira lowered her head, and her gaze turned to the floor.
It was impossible to tell what she was thinking. If she would just show me her eyes, I might understand a little of what she was thinking, but Seira remained motionless with her head bowed.
“Is it really true?”
It was difficult to wait for an answer. While I understood that it took time to express deeply held emotions, the desire to hear a quick response didn’t disappear even if I acknowledged that.
When I asked to confirm whether Seira truly liked me, Seira, who had been quietly looking down, raised her head.
The moment I looked into her eyes, I couldn’t continue urging her anymore.
Tears welled up in her eyes, and Seira forced a smile to prevent herself from crying.
“What do you think?”
“Huh?”
“What do you think of me?”
To me, Seira is a friend, family, and the most cherished person I’ve known for a long time.
However, if asked whether I view Seira as a romantic interest, it would be difficult to answer.
I have never thought about it that way. Because I have never thought about it, I cannot speak about it.
That one sentence could hurt Seira.
“Do you not see me as anything more than a friend?”
Before I could speak, Seira said this, her voice trembling.
She seemed to be saying that she had known for a long time and continued to stay beside me despite knowing.
“I’m sorry.”
I felt sorry for living all this time without knowing anything.
“If it’s unnecessary apology, then don’t make it. I’m not here to receive an apology.”
Though she spoke firmly, there was no trace of malice. She clearly did not want to receive an apology, and instead of answering, she nodded.
Each word was harder to say than I expected.
Even during serious conversations with my girlfriends, I didn’t feel this way.
“On the contrary, if anyone should apologize, it should be me.”
From the moment she said she wanted to apologize, I could immediately tell what she intended to say.
The words she had said to me and the emotions I felt each time.
On the day of the terrorist attack, I vented all the accumulated emotions and stress I had been feeling onto her. I think she realized for the first time that my words had hurt me.
Afterwards, we never discussed the issue again.
The only change was that Seira talked to me less often than before, and the number of times she initiated conversations with me decreased.
One might wonder if she had nothing else to say unless it was that specific topic. However, since I shouted at her, Seira seemed to have forgotten how to approach me.
She made efforts to appear unaffected and tried to act normally, and I matched her behavior accordingly.
“Oh, really…”
With a sigh mixed with pent-up frustration, Seira lifted her head. Tears flowed down next to her eyes as she looked up at the sky.
“Are you okay?”
Wiping away her tears, Seira closed her eyes and lowered her head again. She must have kept repeating “Are you okay?” while remaining motionless with her eyes closed. Seira shook her head.
“No. I’m not okay. I hate myself so much that I can’t even speak.”
“Why do you hate yourself? Why?”
Seira opened her eyes and looked up at me.
“I hate that even though I showed my feelings openly, I could only act harshly. That’s so frustrating.”
Seira indeed liked me. But her next words were so troubling that they didn’t seem to enter my ears.
“Despite making my own judgment that it’s not right and deciding to give up alone, I only realize it now and feel happy about it. That makes me hate myself.”
I couldn’t say anything.
Even though I had spent time with Seira, I knew nothing about her.
Her feelings and thoughts over the past period.
Knowing nothing about her, saying ‘That’s not true’ would lack credibility.
At this moment, I decided to listen to everything Seira had to say.
“After returning to Seoul, I kept thinking about apologizing. I felt pathetic because I didn’t know how to do it. It’s revolting that I was envious of you having girlfriends despite doing nothing.”
We didn’t know how to apologize to each other.
We fought countless times, and after major arguments, we waited for time to heal the wounds.
Although we sometimes said ‘I’m sorry,’ we never discussed the specifics of our fights.
Can saying ‘I’m sorry’ without addressing the fight itself be considered an apology? Is it just a way to cover up the situation?
That’s how it was between me and Seira.
Close friends, longtime acquaintances, familiar with each other, we felt awkward about having deep conversations.
If this helped resolve misunderstandings and prevent further fights, it would be fortunate. Sadly, compared to how long we’ve known each other, I knew far too little about Seira.
“Do you know what Pink said to me during the last mission?”
During the last mission, Yura and Seira were on the same team. I sensed something had happened between them due to the heavy atmosphere, but I didn’t ask directly.
Today, I heard for the first time what happened that day.
“She said that she can’t forgive me for speaking harshly to her. Even though everyone else is fine, she can’t forgive me.”
This is typical of Yura and exactly what she might say.
“I countered because I didn’t want to lose, and hearing her, I agreed.”
Seira’s gaze, which had been looking up at me, shifted downwards. Tears started flowing again.
Her gaze was filled with contempt, but it was directed at herself, not me.
“I can’t forgive myself either. I wrapped it up as something I was doing for you, but I was only saying what I wanted to say. I didn’t consider your thoughts or feelings at all, prioritizing my own emotions.”
Seira finished her trembling voice with a final sentence and lowered her head again.
Fresh tears fell as she wiped away the ones already shed.
“I’m sorry. I want to apologize properly, but I don’t know where to start. I’m sorry…”
Seira apologized to me with tears in her eyes. Seeing Seira, with her head bowed and tears streaming, made me feel bad, so I looked away.
“I was always in a bad mood.”
A weak voice emerged from her barely opened mouth.
“I wondered if we had always been like this. I even avoided seeing you on purpose, fearing that we would continue like this forever.”
“…Yeah.”
“Having girlfriends made me happy. I didn’t say anything to upset you, and I could show my feelings honestly.”
“…Yeah.”
I compared Seira with my girlfriends. At this moment, I thought this was the most shocking thing I could say to her.
Comparing people isn’t usually good, but I decided to say it anyway.
Like Seira expressing her thoughts and suppressed feelings, I decided to speak my mind honestly.
She responded with a trembling voice, nodding as if she already knew.
“There were definitely times when I felt uncomfortable and didn’t want to see you. Meeting you was inconvenient.”
Since coming to Seoul, that’s how Seira had been to me.
I avoided her intentionally because I didn’t want to face her harsh words. One reason I didn’t go to headquarters frequently was because of this.
Even after starting to investigate the hyper-human, and thus encountering her more often, the discomfort didn’t fade.
We didn’t know each other well.
After knowing each other for so long, how could we be this unfamiliar with each other?
The realization brought a sense of amazement.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know at all. What you were thinking, what kind of feelings you had.”
“It’s okay. Don’t apologize. It’s my fault.”
Then silence followed.
Our reconciliation has always been like this.
Just as she doesn’t know how to apologize to me, I don’t know how to apologize to her.
Not just this time, but every time.
This time, her words hurt me, but I’ve also hurt her many times with my actions and words.
Is it okay to keep doing this? I’m not sure.
“…I might be making empty promises. But what I said about liking you…”
Anyway, I had a reason to talk to her today, and since it’s true that Seira likes me, there are things I need to say.
Seira swallowed hard, her eyes red from tears, waiting for me to speak.
“I think it’s too early to answer now.”
I have no intention of treating her precious feelings lightly.
If Seira likes me, then I like her too. I won’t do something foolish and embarrassing like that.
Like with Luche, I hold the feeling of liking her, but my perspective on Seira differs from how I view Luche.
Though it feels like a rejection, since she confessed her feelings, I need to think carefully before responding.
“Yeah, it’s okay.”
Seira smiled.
“I thought you’d say that.”
I hadn’t expected an immediate response, nor did I intend to rush her.
Perhaps she had prepared herself mentally.
“I’m not sure if I can confidently say I like you like this.”
I imagine she thought a lot after learning about my girlfriends.
Sometime, I stopped relying on her, and I spent all my time with my girlfriends.
“I’ll think more and then properly confess. Can you answer then?”
“Yeah, I’ll be ready.”
Nothing was resolved. We still don’t know what we will say to each other, or what responses we will get.
All we know is that we have finally realized how little we knew about each other.
It was just a small step, but we became a little closer to each other.
Even though we only talked for a short while, we cleared up misunderstandings that had persisted for ten years.
While I can’t guarantee that things will improve, I believe the sincerity I conveyed to my old friend reached her heart.
