The deepest connection I have in the entire universe is with Siera. It might be more accurate to say we share a long connection rather than a deep one.
She and I spent the most time together, so much that when asked how long it’s been, I’d need to think for a while.
I first met her not long after I started school.
Siera, who moved into my neighborhood due to her parents’ frequent reassignments, had given up on making friends with peers by the time we met.
I took an interest in her as a new neighbor and thus, we became friends.
Siera stopped moving after a while and until she grew up, and since then, we’ve been together.
The phrase “being together” feels like it implies a close and deep relationship, but strictly speaking, Siera and I are close but not deeply connected.
We’ve always been just friends, maintaining a friendship that people might consider very close.
Of course, our relationship wasn’t always smooth. We often fought, and even when we didn’t fight, we would be upset with each other for days without exchanging a word.
Time always resolved our disputes. As time passed, the hurt feelings gradually faded, and we would start wanting to act normally again. Either Siera or I would make the first move.
We would return to our usual behavior and not dwell on past issues.
Even though we continued to argue and reconcile, I never felt that our distance was growing.
Our relationship began to change seriously after Siera was promoted.
Unlike me, Krueger, and Theo, who caused many incidents, Siera consistently performed excellently and got promoted.
After a long delay, Siera was finally promoted to team leader of team 4 after coming to Seoul with Krueger and joining team 3.
From then on, we started to feel a growing distance between us.
Neither Siera nor I were particularly polite to each other, and this tendency worsened after Siera became team leader.
It felt as if she harbored some resentment toward me.
At first, I didn’t want to talk to her about it because I was upset.
Initially, I thought time would heal the hurt feelings, but Siera’s sharp gaze made me feel worse than before.
Over time, however, things improved.
I no longer felt hurt by anything she said, although I clearly noticed a change.
While I no longer felt hurt, the previous emotions had accumulated without resolution.
We never actively tried to resolve our feelings; we just waited for time to heal everything, so we never learned how to address accumulated emotions.
I believe it’s more accurate to say I knew what needed to be done but didn’t try.
I knew that if we set aside time to talk, things could be resolved, but I found the situation awkward and did nothing.
Recently, I understood why she had been curt with me.
She had been worried about me because of the many incidents I caused, and now as team leader, she found it harder to watch over me, so she repeatedly told me not to do anything.
Knowing the reason doesn’t stop the hurt feelings.
Even knowing the reason, her words still hurt me.
But now, I’m trying not to let these feelings bother me, believing time will sort things out eventually.
“What do you mean?”
I tilted my head at Theo’s question, seeking clarification.
Theo, who had spoken loudly, flinched and avoided eye contact.
I waited for him to answer without looking away from him.
“Theo, what do you think of Siera?”
“Siera?”
What kind of person is Siera to me? I hadn’t really thought about it.
We remained just friends, more like siblings who couldn’t stand each other rather than a closer relationship.
I often wondered if this was how it would be if I had brothers or sisters.
“A friend, like a younger sister or older sister.”
If I had to specify, Siera acted more like an older sister. Though the same age, she always looked out for me, helped me, and corrected my mistakes.
“Only Siera seems pitiful…”
“What do you mean? Get to the point.”
I frowned at Theo, who didn’t elaborate.
Feeling impatient, I urged him to get to the point, and he mirrored my expression.
“Why do you think Siera has been with you all this time?”
“Because we’re close.”
“Why did Siera get assigned to Seoul after becoming team leader?”
“Maybe she applied for it herself?”
“Why didn’t any girls pursue you when Siera was around?”
“Probably because I’m not popular.”
Answering each of his questions, Theo sighed, ran his hand through his dark blue hair.
“You. Have you ever felt Siera as anything more than a friend?”
“No.”
Theo seemed surprised by my firm answer, indicating he didn’t expect that.
“So, you didn’t know Siera liked you either?”
“Huh?”
I was speechless at Theo’s statement.
I can confidently say I never felt Siera as anything more than a friend.
It’s not because I dislike her. I always thought our relationship would remain as friends, and that it would stay that way.
I never expected this relationship to change.
Moreover, I never imagined Siera saw me as anything more than a friend.
Even if Siera saw me as a romantic interest, it didn’t feel wrong. But it just didn’t fit in my mind.
Every image of Siera flashed through my mind, but none fit the scenario.
“I thought you were just pretending not to notice. You really didn’t know?”
Though not as shocked as me, Theo seemed somewhat surprised too.
If Siera and I spent the longest time together, then Krueger and Theo watched us the longest.
They might have seen something different in Siera’s behavior towards me.
The Siera Theo remembers is different from mine. I’ve met Siera occasionally over the last decade, and each time, I felt slightly bad emotions.
Hearing Siera likes me doesn’t justify those feelings.
The Siera Theo remembers might be the one from before she was promoted, as they last met on the spaceship.
The Siera Theo sees now seems unchanged from before. Given our different perspectives, it’s natural our memories differ.
“I didn’t know.”
“It’s been a long time. I bet she liked you well before we first met.”
When did it start?
Though Theo’s assertion isn’t confirmed, hearing it makes me recall Siera’s past actions differently.
Seeing her actions through the lens of her liking me changes how I perceive them.
It feels like erasing a mental image instinctively, as if her liking me is impossible.
Siera can’t like me. She doesn’t like me.
Even trying not to think about it, I can’t shake the feeling that such a relationship shouldn’t exist.
“Damn it. Now I’ll be blamed for not telling sooner.”
Theo, who observed us closely, seemingly didn’t intend to tell.
He might have waited for me to realize it myself, but the news he heard about my girlfriend was about the HunterKiller team, not Siera.
Given Theo’s perspective, it’s understandable he feels frustrated.
“Big trouble.”
“What now?”
Spitting out my thoughts, Theo kept his frown as he asked.
“I don’t know how to look at Siera’s face anymore.”
“…I’m going crazy.”
Theo kept sighing and scratching his head as if he couldn’t stop thinking his words were pointless.
“I’ll get an earful from Siera later.”
“Don’t worry, I won’t blame you.”
“I appreciate you giving me credit for figuring it out alone.”
I had no rebuttal. Suddenly claiming to have figured it out now would seem strange.
The immediate concern is how to react to Siera’s face.
“How is Siera recently?”
“Recently?”
Having spent time at my place due to operations, Theo assumed Siera and I had been together.
Remembering Siera’s recent appearance with girlfriends and team leaders, I felt a change in her behavior.
Recalling when her behavior changed, it was right after I found out about my girlfriends.
There wasn’t a significant change.
It wasn’t clearly better or worse.
She talked to me less.
We had daily conversations, but she rarely initiated unnecessary ones.
If Siera truly liked me, wouldn’t her reaction have been different upon learning about my girlfriends?
Even now, I don’t understand her thoughts, but now I can’t even guess.
I used to think, “This kind of thinking leads to this kind of action.”
“I’m sorry if I caused problems.”
Theo finished his cigarette and flicked it into the ashtray.
“I won’t help.”
For the first time, Theo declared he wouldn’t help despite helping me countless times.
It’s natural. It’s my problem with Siera, and even though he told me, it doesn’t mean I need help.
“Got it.”
My shoulders felt heavy.
It felt like the familiar face of Siera, whom I used to talk to casually, was fading from my mind.
Entering the office with Theo, who had finished his cigarette.
Does the Korean saying “Even a tiger will come if called” apply here?
At the office entrance, I met Siera.
“…”
Theo nodded silently to her and entered, while Siera, catching a glimpse of Theo, asked me.
“Is Theo upset? Did you two fight?”
“No, nothing serious.”
I always used formal language with Siera in headquarters, but using it now felt awkward, creating distance.
“Can we talk for a moment?”
“Yeah, sure.”
Siera’s response seemed normal, yet it reminded me of Theo’s words.
‘She didn’t know you liked her?’
Carrying unresolved thoughts, we went to the rooftop.
There was no reason to look at the sky, but today it was unusually clear.
“The weather is nice.”
Though cold, the breeze made the day feel warmer than usual.
“But you wanted to talk. What about?”
Thinking about how to start felt like a luxury.
I still don’t know if Theo’s words are true. Siera might not like me.
To find out, I have to confirm directly.
“Siera.”
“Yes?”
“Do you like me?”
“…What?”
My heart raced.
Siera didn’t answer my straightforward question. Or perhaps she couldn’t.
There’s no way to describe Siera’s expression with wide-open eyes.
The expression she wore was one I had never seen before.
