Chapter 241

I wanted to believe it was a good ending.

An ending where everyone could smile, and it would be good even if no one cried.

I’m still not sure. What kind of ending I want for the story. As is often the case with the ends of stories, whether everyone truly ends up happy.

The story with Sofia Sub-priest didn’t come to a proper conclusion, as Sofia Sub-priest rushed into her room, overwhelmed by embarrassment…

What can be done? My relationship with Sofia Sub-priest, the bond between us, promised to take a step toward a new future.

“I love you…?”

A phrase I had never heard before. Thus, it felt even more bewildering, precious, and valuable. I gained a big heart that I wouldn’t trade for anything in this world.

I wanted to repay that feeling. And for that reason, I felt like I wanted to purge everything that’s been twisted up in my heart.

“Congratulations, Lucio.”

Hearing the voice coming from the corner of my room, I slowly turned my gaze. Cesar, with his arms crossed, leaned against the wall and looked at me.

“Finally, you’ve taken a step forward in a true sense.”

“…Cesar.”

“Well, I’ve already died… but this isn’t all bad.”

Cesar’s deliberately cheerful tone was heart-wrenching for me. It was part of the illusion created by my delusions. Cesar hadn’t truly returned to life; he was a figment of my imagination.

Illusions live off the fuel of despair. Faced with desperate situations, we turn away from reality and seek out ever more intense illusions.

I no longer belong to that. I have no despair, nor do I have regret. Helena’s death was not my fault.

Even if it wasn’t my fault, at least living without forgetting Helena is enough. I firmly concluded that. It was the result of everything that burned away my despair.

However, Cesar was boldly standing before me. His face had become so blurred that it was hard to recognize him.

“Calm down a bit. I really thought… you’d handle things regarding Priest Helena well, but I didn’t expect there would be unforeseen variables…”

Cesar’s words were still hard to understand. He was a presence stitched together by my delusions, spewing out words that were difficult for me to grasp.

When I looked at him with resentful eyes, Cesar raised his hands and clicked his tongue.

“Alright, alright. So, stop looking at me like that.”

“…Why is that?”

“Huh?”

Cesar made a silly sound and opened his eyes wide. Seeing his exaggerated act, I couldn’t help but ask in disgust.

“Why do you not disappear?”

“…Ah, is that what you were asking?”

“If not that, what do you think I was asking…?”

“Okay, okay. Calm down. Why do you hate me so much? Did I lose to you in life or something?”

I hadn’t lost to him. But that was the relationship I had with the real Cesar.

My illusion, a fictitious existence that boldly sank deep into the abyss powered by my despair, was difficult to fully replicate even if it tried to imitate.

“Well… I get that feeling.”

“……”

“But, you know the reason you’re seeing things that aren’t there, right?”

The reason why I kept seeing the already dead and gone Cesar. Why I kept witnessing Helena’s illusions and felt paralyzed with guilt every time I saw her.

“You still have things to regret. If you leave like this, it’s something you’ll regret for a lifetime.”

“What do you mean…?”

“I know. It’s all planted in your head.”

Cesar pulled away from the wall. Step by step, he slowly approached me, and I stood frozen, unable to move.

“But if I were to give you some advice… firstly, you’re still hypocritical.”

“…That’s not true. I’ve revealed all my sins, all the feelings I have. Without leaving anything, not even one.”

“You might think that, but the fact that I’m standing here before you as I am is proof that it hasn’t worked.”

“…You mean, there are still things I’ve hidden…?”

Are there?

I thought I had exposed it all. That was the truth.

“There are. You know it well.”

“……”

That can’t be. Then, what is this feeling of liberation I’m enjoying right now? Is this just another illusion?

“That’s not it, Lucio. Don’t dig too deep… tsk. That habit of yours just won’t change.”

Cesar clicked his tongue and shook his head. Cesar’s body began to wobble unsteadily.

“Tell me, why do you keep trying to hide? Why do you keep trying to lie?”

“I’ve been wondering what you mean since earlier…”

“You still remember.”

Suddenly, Cesar stepped closer to me. I had to look up at him.

“The guilt you haven’t forgotten about. The sin you haven’t cast away. It all remains, right in your heart. You know that well.”

“……”

“Are you still pretending not to know? Are you going to hide everything? After coming this far, are you really going to try to revert everything to nothing?”

How long do you plan to keep this up?

Cesar’s question cut sharply into my heart. My head slowly began to bow.

“Letting go of the guilt over Helena is good. Ending the story with Sofia Sub-priest well is also good. If it hadn’t been resolved properly, who knows what would have happened.”

Cesar’s melted face caught my eye.

“You don’t feel guilt for my death either. If anything, you might resent me for making that choice.”

“…What about that?”

“I’m not particularly hurt by that. After all, I’m merely a product of your imagination. But…”

There’s still some burden you can’t cast away.

Even if the guilt of Cesar’s death is buried along with the guilt of Helena’s death, there is still a knot remaining.

“How can I disappear from your sight while leaving that alone? Isn’t that too selfish?”

“……”

“I think we talked about this on the train. I said it didn’t matter what choice you made, but at least don’t act differently on the outside than on the inside… I believe I said that.”

Reviving memories that I had tried to forget for a long time is painful.

Slowly breaking free as if hatching from an egg. Very slowly… whilst breaking the shell, I close my eyes to see a new sun.

“Your true feelings are different. You don’t want to end here.”

Thus, I fully hatch.

“You want to see the end here.”

And then I remembered. My head felt dizzy, and I stared blankly at the ceiling, letting out a hollow laugh.

“…Ha.”

So that’s what it was. That’s why Cesar still keeps appearing.

“It seems you’ve only just realized.”

Cesar nodded with a stern expression. His mostly shattered jaw hung loosely, with fresh red meat blooming around it.

It still looked at me with lifeless eyes, revealing to me, who had just regained warmth… a way to maintain that warmth fully.

“You think you killed her, right? Lucio Antorelli.”

“…That person.”

“You know about her. You know about that woman, that person.”

“……”

“She, that woman, that person… is extraordinary. How can one person have three different ways to be referred to? Did you want to keep such a distance? This unconsciously?”

My mind felt like it was turning blank for a moment. I accepted that without complaint.

“You managed to live while turning your eyes away until now. But isn’t it about time you opened your eyes?”

Yeah, how could I have forgotten? How could that be? How did I try to forget?

“It must have been because it hurt that much. I can’t say I don’t understand, but still, I can’t help but think it’s a bit late.”

“……”

“Thinking this way, you should now understand why that priestess disliked you so much.”

Cesar nodded with a hard expression. Then, from between his loose jawbones, a blood-boiling voice flowed out.

“Remember. Everything you experienced that day.”

The things I thought I had done.

That is why, the fragments of the forgotten memory that I desperately tried to hide until this moment.

Now, it was time to bring them to the surface above the pond.

* * * * *

Going to the Holy Empire was filled with somewhat hopeful predictions.

That was definitely my mistake. I could be sure of it.

As soon as I got off the train, what welcomed me were only cold gazes devoid of a single warm glance.

The cold light mixed. It was more murky, more filthy than when sand and dirt and mud united into one.

Receiving those gazes, I barely made it through the platform among the military priests and wounded soldiers. If the train crew hadn’t rushed out to help us, there might have been a serious incident.

“……”

And even up until just before getting off the train, he kept chattering beside me, Acolyte Camilla.

“Ah, haha… Something different happened than I expected… haha…”

“……”

Her eyes. In those eyes where hope once glimmered, dark and slimy despair had taken hold.

Seeing that, I didn’t help her.

I should have helped her, but I didn’t. I couldn’t.

The military priests and I, along with a few wounded soldiers, were immediately moved to a hospital in the Holy Empire. Yes, the expression ‘were moved’ was appropriate in the treatment we received.

Everywhere we went, we were met with glances steeped in horrific contempt, and everywhere, the zealous worshipers cried out for us to repent.

Even when I was hospitalized in a nameless hospital in the Holy Empire due to mental trauma and injury to my right shoulder.

Acolyte Camilla, who had a slight limp, lay in the bed next to mine, endlessly talking to me.

One day, she would start talking about the weather in a cliché way, and another day she would joyfully spill stories about her beloved younger sister and family.

And yet, she would keep urging me to hold on to hope. That salvation exists anytime, anywhere.

To such a person, I…

“…Stop with that foolish talk already.”

“…What?”

“I can’t listen to it anymore, so stop!”

I unleashed my sharpened anger and despair.

“There is no such thing as salvation for us, and… there is no such thing as hope…! Talking like this, you can’t go back to a normal life with your family you love as you once did!”

“……”

“Please, just stop….”

…Please.

“…I’m sorry.”

That day, in the hospital room where I was sleeping, a large bird flew through the air.

An albatross that couldn’t glide, eventually crashing down.

It was thrusting itself out the window, flying through the air for just a moment.

– Thud—!!

It escaped death but became a being that might end up a vegetable and never walk again.

My despair tainted hope, and if viewed purely from the results, it was no different from saying I killed her…

Yes, I killed her.