Chapter 239

Posted by Kuze, ? Views, Released on March 9, 2025

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When did it start?

I began to live, killing the real emotions hidden within me.

And I learned to push away the warm kindness that others radiated.

That was certainly a painful thing. Even if others approached me with goodwill, if I pushed them away, they would never return.

It was a memory that made my eyes sting. I was buried, my surrounding people were caught up, and I was overwhelmed by a huge, formless power that left me unable to rise again.

When did it start?

When I faced Helena in the presence of Sofia Sub-priest.

When did I stop seeing Sofia Sub-priest as just Sofia Sub-priest? Since when did I subtly push away her blind goodwill?

I vaguely knew that the intensity of Sofia Sub-priest’s affection for me was gradually deepening. I felt joy in that fact, yet I was simultaneously afraid.

It was fear that arose because I no longer saw Sofia Sub-priest as Sofia Sub-priest.

…….

I see. When did it start?

I began to gather emotions to the point of overflowing.

Before overflowing, I needed to let them go at the right time. Knowing that right moment was the true virtue of an adult, and it was what I had to do. It was something I had to do.

But I could not do it. Why on earth?

Why? Why? Why did it happen? Why?

The reason was simple. I was only looking at my past reflected in the water.

At this moment, the present becomes the past, and the future becomes the present. What approaches is only the future, while the past and present are ultimately fleeting fragments that ought not to bind me, yet I let them.

Like Narcissus gazing into a pond, falling in love with the reflection of himself, I stirred the surface of the water with my hand, seeing my past and the ties of my past.

I was Narcissus, and the pond was a window to my heart.

In the end, foolishly, I just watched the pond while stumbling about, knowing that I would die like this.

Then, when did it start?

When did it begin for me?

The answers to all these questions, the foolish questions directed at me… were decided from the very beginning. Therefore, I can confidently answer.

“From the very beginning.”

How ridiculous. Even though I knew from the start, did I continue to do this?

I should have stopped; I shouldn’t have done this.

Always regretting, always making mistakes, repeating the same thing.

It’s tedious.

“I am a sinner.”

Out of boredom, it felt as if my life had been completely stripped away…

“I deceived Sofia Sub-priest.”

That’s why it happened.

I laid everything bare. I no longer felt the coldness of her gaze. The coldness that penetrated to my bones melted into my body. I was slowly freezing.

– To sink or to rise. If we cannot overcome the past, we sink; if we transcend the past and move forward, we rise.

Even while freezing, a faint voice echoed in my mind. Another memory I was desperately trying to forget, that was… I…

– Priest. What do you wish for?

…Ah.

I remembered. I…

—I killed that person.

“…How could you do that?”

The voice of Sofia Sub-priest approached me like a wave. One melody became two, and soon words of resentment poured out from her lips.

“How could you do this to me…?”

What could I possibly say? What justification could I possibly use?

The very thought that I had to justify myself was absurd. Even to me, I seemed pathetically small.

The funny thing is, the only thing I could do was to make excuses. That confined me mercilessly to a corner.

I saw the black priestly robe in front of me. I caught sight of the delicate, thin waist wrapped in that robe. I embraced it.

It felt as if someone was pulling me down. Not wanting to fall, not wanting to slowly sink into the cold snow, not wanting to sink…

While desperately holding onto the waist of Sofia Sub-priest, I cried, ugly tears streaming down my face as I pleaded.

“It’s my fault. Please, please… don’t abandon me… don’t leave me… please…”

“……”

“I know it’s selfish, but I… I…”

While I poured out these words of supplication, what was Sofia Sub-priest’s expression like…?

“Ha, haha…”

Sofia Sub-priest laughed. With reproachful eyes looking toward the sky, as if utterly defeated.

Gradually, her head lowered. Her golden bobbed hair shimmered mysteriously under the moonlight that pierced through the darkness.

And the eyes that looked at me.

They resembled Helena until the very end.

“I am a murderer…”

I made my choice. If there was a chance, now was the last. I would rather have Sofia Sub-priest look at me with contempt as she turned away, or perhaps be disappointed in me.

The heart that had been crying and pleading just moments ago was hidden deep within, so that I could endure it alone.

If only I could do that, it would be alright. Surely, that would be the choice for everyone.

If I alone could sacrifice, if I alone could suffer, if I could carry only the wounds that I must bear… everything would resolve itself well.

“Still, still… I love you…”

The gentle touch of Sofia Sub-priest’s hand rested on my cheek. I unconsciously leaned my face against her palm. The relief that washed over my heart tickled me so completely.

A thrilling sensation coursed through my cheek and penetrated my whole body. I gazed up at her face, bewildered.

“That makes me unbearably angry…”

“Ah, ugh…”

The final words of Sofia Sub-priest were enough to plunge me into a pond.

Warmth spread towards me. Her hand softly covered my cold cheek. Even if one were to call her hand hot, it overflowed with warmth.

In the eyes of Sofia Sub-priest looking at me, similarly, abundant warmth overflowed.

I was slowly melting in that warmth. I was soaking it in.

My emotions began to seep in. It was strange. How could my emotions, which had already sunk beneath the inky surface, soak into something? Could one still get wet while submerged in water?

No. It was seeping into me. It was completely dyeing me, the being known as Lucio Antorelli.

But what could possibly dye me…?

– So, Priest Lucio. Just promise me one thing.

“…Ah.”

It dawned on me.

I remembered. A distant realization hit me like a crushing wave.

No, it wasn’t an epiphany. I had finally confronted the memory I had desperately tried to forget.

– If I cannot return even after the war is over, please take care of the Theology department in my stead. And…

The part of the story I had forgotten. Her words—so desperate and cruel, that I considered not wanting to remember them—were her words that had dyed me all at once.

– Even if I am gone, please do not cling to me. Create ‘ties’ with others.

So let’s promise.

We had made such a promise.

Her tearful green eyes were beautiful. They radiated a clear emerald hue, reflecting my image like a mirror, stealing my heart.

Those eyes.

Your emerald-like green eyes.

When I gaze into them, my heart feels pierced, and your eyes, which painted my memories and feelings, were beautifully enchanting.

Hair that seemed so precious it could not be bought for any sum of money, appearing as if it had melted the sun. The glorious color reminiscent of the most precious gold freshly melted.

Your lips. Your lips, sometimes rich pink, sometimes glossily red, and at times dried to a pale pink hue. The color of those lips.

Your skin. Just like the white snow where I kneel, with a softness that seems untouchable even in the most famous clothing stores.

Lastly… black.

The color of death, the color of destruction, the color of despair, and… the black robe you wore, which at last served its true purpose without fading. The black robe of a priest.

All the emotions, all the tenderness, all the warmth, all the gazes, all the… colors that made you.

I was dyed in your colors. You painted me. My life, my past, the present that will soon be the past, the future approaching, and even myself.

Everything was dyed.

I, who sank into the water, could not be wet with the same water. I was already soaked.

But Helena… you…

With that dazzling light, you dyed me.

Your light, your color… have colored my world.

Even though the intensely cold winter has come, I still see the light of the world you colored.

And now…

‘…Is the snow originally this… dense?’

Sofia Sub-priest is layering my world.

Deeply, more deeply than anything else in this world. So deeply that no color can invade.

A color so resolutely deep that if it were to be invaded, I would rather choose to mix in than to be covered. That color, that light.

Was dyeing me. Dyeing my heart, dyeing my very being. I was fully dyed in the color of Sofia Sub-priest.

Sofia Sub-priest embraced me. In that warm embrace, her heart, pounding with an unceasing rhythm, conveyed her color to me at an almost frightening speed.

My heartbeat seemed to resonate with Helena. I wished that my pulse could be shared with Helena, for I could not bear to express it verbally.

And in reality, I was connected to Helena. Even without speaking, she was dyeing my world with her colors.

Like the moon creating tides. The harmony of ebb and flow.

It was one-sided. Even if my heart was not conveyed, her feelings were transmitted through the rhythm of my heartbeat. Transmitted through colors. Transmitted as one light.

An understanding enriched by the unspoken exchange of thoughts and hearts. Yes, that was deep and powerful.

It was conveyed to me. So that it happened.

…So that was the case.

If not, the colors that Helena left behind… would not be explained by the current situation leaning on Sofia Sub-priest’s colors.

“I love you, Head Priest…”

“…Sofia… Sub-priest…”

“More than anything in this world… from the very moment I saw you…”

Sunlight.

The distant dawn’s sunlight.

Rises. As it paints a faint hue behind Sofia Sub-priest, it once again ascends to the pinnacle of the world.

“I loved you… and I still love you now…!”

So pure tears flowed. My hands, which had been flailing in the air, grasped the arms of Sofia Sub-priest tightly.

“Sofia Sub-priest, I… I shouldn’t be saying such things…”

They don’t suit me.

I shouldn’t be ending up like this.

It’s not right for me to have such a favorable conclusion.

“Priest Lucio.”

From behind Sofia Sub-priest, I saw.

Helena, appearing to stand in the sunlight, faint and distant.

“It’s alright.”

“Ah, ah… I, I—.”

“It’s alright. It’s okay…”

Say it. All of it.

“I loved Helena… I loved everything about you…”

Your warmth, your scent, your color, everything about you.

I loved all of it. But…

“Therefore, I truly loved you… more than anything in this world…!”

“……”

“Just one thing, may I ask…?”

It’s unreasonable, but I want to ask.

“Was your death truly… not my fault…?”

Is it okay to let go now?

To stop hurting, to stop hating, to stop being hated… can I finally stop blaming myself?

“I, I…. truly…”

Is that permissible?

And the Helena looking at me… beamed with such a radiant smile. Her smile sparkled more brilliantly than the sunlight glowing behind her.

“Of course.”

It wasn’t your fault—. She said.

“…Ugh, uhh…!”

I clung to Sofia Sub-priest’s waist and wept. Ugly sobs spilled from my throat as they tore through.

I felt it. Everything that had dyed me from Helena was now leaving.

“That… ugh…! I wanted to hear that…!”

I had wanted to hear that for the past few years.

“It was so hard…! Really….”

“…I know.”

The warm hand of Sofia Sub-priest gently stroked the back of my head. It was a comforting warmth.

“It was really so hard…! Not a single day, ugh! Did I want to give up…!”

“I know….”

“Still, I endured…! I endured everything…! I was afraid if I gave up like this, Helena would completely vanish… ugh…! That I would give up everything…!”

Helena’s death was not my fault.

That fact was truly….

“My fault… it wasn’t…”

It wasn’t my fault. It wasn’t my fault. It wasn’t my fault…

It wasn’t my fault.

“Ugh…! Ugh, ugh…!”

At dawn, the world shone brilliantly. The primordial light pierced through the world.

Helena was already gone.

“Head Priest…”

“Ugh…!”

But that was enough.

I will never forget you.