Chapter 239

“…May I ask you a question? Are you troubled by the accumulation of Life Force, or is it the pain in your heart?”

Probably the latter.

I think I still have enough leeway with the Life Force.

If I couldn’t control this power and got swept away, that would be one thing, but the more I use it, the more I get used to controlling it.

At first, the energy of Life Force was as hard to control as the hem of a coat in a strong wind, but now it moves as naturally as my own arms.

“If I had to say, it’s more about the heart. Of course, it might be laughable that I’m even worrying about this now.”

From Lacey’s perspective, it’s like a mass murderer who’s killed thousands of innocent people is now whining about how uncomfortable it is to kill innocents. How ridiculous does that sound?

Even excluding what Hersela did, I’m no different.

Were there really no innocent people among those I’ve killed? Just thinking about the slaughter and plunder I committed early on after possession…

“That’s not true. Guilt and mercy are virtues unique to humans. The fact that you’ve come to realize such feelings… that’s something to be congratulated.”

…I guess that’s meant to be comforting?

Maybe it’s because of the part about “virtues unique to humans,” but it didn’t really resonate with me.

Lacey brought her teacup to her lips and tilted it.

“But… it’s a bit difficult. Such worries, in the end, have no meaning unless you find the answer yourself. What I can offer is not the answer, but merely advice.”

“Yeah, I guess so…”

I didn’t have high expectations to begin with.

She’s the type who wants to exterminate all non-humans and keep only a few in some kind of non-human zoo or containment facility.

Still, she’s the only one I could ask, so here I am.

If I were to spill these worries to the knights, they’d just say things like “unavoidable sacrifices” or “that’s just how it is on the battlefield.”

As if I didn’t already know that.

“But still, you’re saying you can at least give me some advice?”

“To provide a guidepost for those who are lost—that is the most important duty bestowed upon me, a servant of Elpinel. The turmoil you’re experiencing now is not yours alone. Many holy knights have confided similar worries to me.”

“Holy knights?”

“Yes. It is the duty of holy knights to hate evil and burn the deeply sinful. But evil always uses the innocent as shields, so they are constantly faced with dilemmas. Should they pile up corpses to destroy evil, or let evil go to prevent the innocent from being sacrificed?”

Certainly, it’s a story similar to my current dilemma.

“Neither choice is entirely right, nor entirely wrong… but their decisions have always been the same. If it’s something that human wisdom cannot judge, they entrust the decision to the one above. The eradication of evil. That is the commandment given by Elpinel. Thus, even if it means creating a hundred sacrifices, they choose to destroy one evil. Whether their actions were right or wrong, they believe without doubt that it will be judged by the heavenly tribunal one day.”

The conclusion they reached was hard for me to accept.

“Isn’t that just passing the buck? You said earlier that I have to find the answer myself.”

“It’s a bit different. They made their own decisions and choices. They only entrusted the judgment of whether those answers were right or wrong to Elpinel.”

Lacey shook her head and continued.

“There was one who said that if they let evil go here, there would be even more sacrifices, so they chose the lesser sacrifice to prevent greater loss. Another said that before the innocent could fall into the hands of evil and commit sins, they would bear the sin themselves so that the innocent could reach Elpinel with pure hearts.”

Yeah, I guess they did come to their own answers.

Even if those answers were closer to self-justification.

“One of them said this: ‘They may look alive, but the moment they became shields for evil, they were already dead. Therefore, even if we kill them, the sin lies not with us, but with the evil that used them as shields.'”

No, that’s just…

Even as a rationalization, isn’t that going too far?

“…What do you think?”

“I simply act on what I believe to be right. If I am right, I believe the divine will watch over me. If I am wrong, then someday Elpinel will punish me. Until that day comes, I will move forward without hesitation or looking back. Does that answer your question?”

It was a truly saintly answer. Except for the fact that what she believes to be right is a policy of racial extermination.

Anyway, I could understand the essence of her words.

Holy knights with similar dilemmas rationalize their actions in various ways and fight, leaving the final judgment to the gods.

Is that the good side of faith?

By attributing the outcome of their choices to the will of the gods, the weight of responsibility must feel lighter.

That might be one way to live… but I couldn’t live like that.

“It does answer the question… but for me, thinking that way is impossible.”

“I suppose so. You respect Elpinel, but you do not revere them.”

Yeah. That’s the problem.

For me, who does not serve Elpinel—or rather, the eleven gods—the idea that the rightness or wrongness of my actions is determined by the gods of this world is hard to accept.

-그҉̡̰̯͇̿͌̃̚͠래҉̧̯̞͕҇̿̒̑…놈҉͓̙̦̬̜̪͉̰̖̗̣̌̾́̎̀̅̋͆̃̚들҈̢̠̞̜̤̅͑̑̈́̾̐̉͝ͅ 따҉̢̯̯҇̓́́̉위҉̖͎͍̖̟̩̘̤͙̥̰̰͇͍͆͗̉͌͌͛̐́͒̉̅̍́͛̾ͅ가҈̨̜̜͊̋͆̊̏͋͂̈͠감҈̬̟̟͍̘͔̳̮̰̱͔͉̱̦͒̾̿͑̓̉̎̋̂̀̓̓ͅ히҈̨̟̟̋̍̀̅̕ 누҉̨̛̙̤́͂̆̿굴҈͎͚̤͐͊̃̂̌͢͡심҉̢͡판҈̰͓̝̳̩͍̮̱͕̟̞̞͉̳̗͈̖̳̦̭̤̿̋̓̋͌͊̆̄́̃̑̐͋̿̋͌̓̐́̈́ͅͅ하҈̫̘͛̑̌̒̔̍̐̉͢͡

…What was that just now?

It felt like some strange sound echoed in my head.

Was it Hersela?

‘Hey, what did you just say to me?’

[Hmm? I didn’t say anything, though.]

Was it just my imagination…?

Did I hear things again? I’m not sure.

This hasn’t happened since I started talking to Hersela.

[It’s just that your actions are so ridiculous that I couldn’t help but watch.]

‘…What do you mean by ridiculous?’

[You’re a former soldier, yet you’re worrying like a little girl. Isn’t it laughable? Cutting down those who are too weak to decide their own fate—does that really weigh so heavily on you?]

…If we’re being technical, aren’t *you* the girl here?

‘Well, it might not be a burden for you, but for me—’

[Then hand your body over to me. Running away into your subconscious, closing your eyes and ears, waiting for the painful time to pass—isn’t that also a solution? Tearing apart militias, slaughter—it’s all too familiar to me… Take a nap, and when you wake up, everything will be perfectly resolved.]

Should I take this as her way of caring? Or is it sarcasm and contempt?

It’s hard to tell. Either way, it’s not something I can accept.

‘…No, I can’t do that.’

That would just be running away.

Let’s say I leave this matter to Hersela. What if something like this happens again? Will I ask her again then? And the next time? And the time after that?

Besides, who knows what she’d do once she takes over my body.

It’s definitely not an offer I can accept.

But then, what should I do…?

“Sir Median? Are you alright?”

Lacey’s voice snapped me out of my thoughts.

When I looked up, her expression was a mix of concern and confusion.

“Huh? Oh, right. Sorry. I was just lost in thought for a moment.”

My silent lip-moving must’ve looked strange.

This is why I try not to talk to Hersela in front of others.

“…Just a word of caution, I don’t intend to accuse you of heresy for not revering Elpinel. You’ve only been in the Empire for half a year. Our faith, His radiance—it must all still feel unfamiliar to you.”

No, I wasn’t really worried about that.

It seems Lacey thought I was troubled by her words.

“Someday, you too will come to understand. The benevolence of Him who watches over us all and bestows His grace.”

“Yeah, that’d be nice.”

I brushed it off casually.

Lacey seemed to notice I was dodging the topic, but she didn’t seem inclined to press further.

“Hmm… Anyway, if the examples of the holy knights don’t resonate with you, then you’ll have to ask your own heart, Sir Median. What you believe is right, the core of your convictions. Start from there and think it through. If you do that, at least you won’t regret your choices.”

“Core?”

“Before you knew Isabella was a witch, you already opposed her. Unlike Prince Leopold, you didn’t have any personal grudge, and she hadn’t harmed you. Why did you do that?”

The reason I opposed Isabella? Well…

“…Because she’s an evil that can’t be left alone.”

“Why couldn’t she be left alone?”

“If that woman becomes the Empress Dowager, countless people will die because of her evil deeds. I couldn’t just stand by and watch that happen.”

“Most of those people have no connection to you, Sir Median. You could’ve turned a blind eye and lived your life. Wouldn’t that have been better than suffering this mental anguish?”

Yeah. She’s not wrong.

If I left Isabella alone, Ernst would ascend the throne, and even if the Capital were destroyed later… As long as I raised Damien well, maybe things could’ve been resolved. That would’ve been the normal course of events.

But—

“…Because it’s the right thing to do. Yeah. It’s the right thing.”

“You wanted to do what’s right? Even if it meant suffering?”

I’m not sure.

But still,

“…Yeah. I wanted to.”

“…Since when did you start wanting that? Do you remember the moment, the reason why you started wanting it? That feeling you had back then—that’s the core of who you are now.”

…The moment, huh?

Was it when I saw the massacre caused by the beastmen?

No, back then, I was driven by rage and a sense of responsibility, not in my right mind.

Was it when Durandal started glowing during the fight with Knut?

That’s not it either. That just strengthened the feelings I already had—it wasn’t the starting point.

Then…

Ah. Right.

…It must’ve been then.

The day I fell into this damn world.

The moment I had to watch dozens, hundreds of people slaughtered because of a thoughtless remark I made.

That memory remains vivid, a sharp regret that still stabs somewhere deep in my chest.