Chapter 228

I just wanted to endure.

It wasn’t about wanting to show that I had no hope left, but simply that I wanted to endure.

It pained me to see others move forward step by step, at least two or three steps ahead of me, while I could do nothing but stand still.

To put it bluntly, yes. The memories carved into me like a failure were excruciating.

I always suffered from insomnia due to unwanted memories. My thoughts always came before actions, and the memories rooted in those thoughts were nothing but the vestiges of my past self.

When the war ended, what kind of expression did I have on my face?

Knowing that once the roughly year-long peacekeeping operations were over, I could return, what kind of thoughts did I harbor?

Because they lived in the Empire, the priests who were conscripted by the Holy Empire were told they needed a re-education period, meaning they had to spend another year there.

What form did this reality take in my eyes?

I didn’t intend to let it slide. For me, this was a breeding ground for great sin.

There is the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. The starting point for the fall of humankind, the sinful apple that Satan, in the form of a snake, tempted the children of our creator with.

The news itself that the war had ended was, for me, the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. I had already sinned, but the consequences hadn’t immediately followed.

The war ended. After finishing the approximately year-long peacekeeping operations, I boarded the train heading to the Holy Empire along with a few wounded soldiers who hoped to return there, not out of my own will but because I was forced to take a bite of the forbidden fruit.

I won’t deny that it was a necessary process. Rather, I tried to balance the scales by aligning the weight of my sins with the weight of the punishment I deserved.

But, was this…

The gazes directed at me, the looks coming my way, the contemptuous stares that the other military priests and I had to endure from the citizens of the Holy Empire in front, behind, and beside me.

And the reluctant, disdainful gazes of those whose care we were supposed to provide, along with the rotten tomatoes and eggs that flew from their hands.

The wounded soldiers, worn down to a breaking point where the slightest thing could upset them, shaking with anxiety. Some, hearing those humiliating words, wept like children.

Before anger could take hold, my mind went numb. The scene is still vivid in my head.

Was it wrong to survive?

These were those who had been relentlessly driven to the brink and had returned, having lost everything. Did they deserve to hear such words?

…It will be abundant.

Because they don’t know.

They don’t know what loss is, what it means to throw away your life unjustly, what the terrible reality is where if I don’t kill, I will be killed.

It was for a mere reason. Mere reason that…

I—I…

…wanted to escape.

This thought firmly took root in my mind, so deeply embedded that I couldn’t remove it.

I wanted to erase it. I no longer wanted to be bound, to spend the rest of my life as a slave to painful memories.

That was why I broached the idea of this pilgrimage to the Holy Empire, and why now I find myself here, on the train heading there.

“…How many years has it been?”

Riding alongside Junior Priest Sophia,

the train, piercing through the cold chill of winter, was like a single moth flying fiercely towards a flame, even if it were fire.

And I place my body within that moth. I’m now heading towards a place where the flames inside me still burn.

I wanted to move forward. I simply wanted to break free now.

Before coming here, what did I tell my Class A students?

Though it’s good to listen attentively to my lessons, have I told them to break free of any influence I unintentionally wield over them?

Hasn’t it been said: revere knowledge and faith, but do not revere a person?

Ironically, what qualifications do I have to say such things?

[The train is arriving. Please step back from the tracks until the train has fully stopped, and then board in an orderly manner, thank you.]

What pulled me from my deep thoughts was the announcement echoing across the platform, and simultaneously, the glance from Junior Priest Sophia who gently tugged my collar.

“Head Priest? The train is arriving soon…”

“…Ah, yes. Let’s prepare.”

Memories are remnants that once made me who I am, byproducts,chains that keep me perpetually circling in one place.

So, let’s not forget.

That I’m here now to forget these things.

It’s true that I feel somewhat uneasy as the meaning of my journey with Junior Priest Sophia seems to fade.

Sophia’s cheeks flushed deep red as she stood beside me. Though she understands my circumstances to some extent, she doesn’t know what’s truly going on in my heart—Junior Priest Sophia is not a mind reader.

—Screeeeech!—

The train arrives, its wheels grinding against the tracks, making an unpleasant metallic sound.

The many passengers waiting on the platform slowly got up from the benches. A young man held a large bag impatiently fidgeting with his train ticket, while a few steps away, an elderly couple held each other’s wrinkled hands, smiling warmly at each other.

[The train is arriving. Please confirm the presence of your ticket before boarding. Once more, please notice: the train is arriving…]

The monotonous tone of the announcement filled the platform. Only then did people, including Junior Priest Sophia, start rummaging through their belongings.

“Here it is…hehe…”

While wiping her bright red nose, Sophia shyly smiles at me. Lately, I’ve often found myself attaching meaning to every little action of Junior Priest Sophia.

For instance, when she beams at me so innocently, it leaves me at a loss for words.

“You should get your ticket ready, Head Priest.”

“…Ah, yes. Of course.”

After snapping out of my embarrassing thoughts, I quickly retrieved my ticket from my pocket. I can’t feel the texture of the paper through my glove.

Finally, the train stopped. Its sleek and clean body was only lightly dusted with snow.

We waited for the passengers inside to disembark before heading towards the wide-open train doors.

In this way, we boarded the train.

***

“Hmm… This is delicious.”

“…”

What was happening? Confused, I didn’t know where to look as I gazed at the familiar figures casually eating mandarins in front of me.

Because I had sat by the window, I ended up directly facing Professor Esther who was peeling and eating the mandarins with calm assurance. In front of her lay a pile of already peeled mandarin peels.

A true graveyard of mandarins. And, glancing to the side…

“It’s been a while since I had mandarins! Would you like another one, Elin?”

“Enough, you glutton.”

“Glutton?! I look like a normal weight person!”

“As you say. It’s not going to your belly, but all to one spot.”

Professor Esther’s mandarin graveyard was nothing compared to the pile of peels beside Chloe’s face.

As Elin teased her, Chloe continued to peel and devour the mandarins, chewing vigorously, looking rather adorable. However, after hearing Elin’s comment, my eyes instinctively landed on her rather prominent chest.

Professor Esther and Chloe—does eating mandarins really enhance a certain part of a woman’s body? I redirected my gaze to Sophia, the Junior Priest, and Laura, who had refrained from touching the pile of mandarins.

“…Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Head Priest. It seems like you are having inappropriate thoughts.”

Both Laura and Sophia turned sharp glares on me after making eye contact with me. I hastily masked my startled expression, shrugged, and extended my hand towards the mandarin on the table.

“I wasn’t thinking anything.”

“…Laura, would you like some?”

“…Please give me lots, Junior Priest Sophia.”

After staring at me intently for a while, the two abruptly teamed up and began grabbing handfuls of mandarins. I peeled the enticing fruit in my hand while absentmindedly gazing out of the train window.

“…How did I end up here?”

Initially, it was just me and Junior Priest Sophia. Anyway, this car wasn’t special class or reserved, so I was mentally prepared to share it with strangers.

The problem was, when we last checked our tickets, there was no sign of any other passengers.

I had planned to have a sincere chat with Junior Priest Sophia and untangle some unresolved issues. It was an opportunity to escape from my painful past memories.

So, naturally, it should have only been me and Sophia traveling to the Holy Empire.

However, how did this happen? As soon as we settled in, stowing our heavy suitcases in the overhead storage above the car, Professor Esther and the three students suddenly burst in, as if they had prearranged it.

Despite my repeated questioning about how they tracked me down, the consistent response was simply: “We also had plans to travel to the Holy Empire.”

Their shameless confidence reached the point where it seemed absurdly believable: “Is that so…?”

Professor Lucio chuckled while a peeled mandarin was shoved towards him by Chloe. “…Yes, thank you.”

“I told you, it’s incredibly sweet!”

“Ah, yes. It is delicious.”

“Hmph… You see, I’m a mandarin killer. I know a good mandarin just by looking at its peel.”

Watching Chloe beam with confidence made me smile unconsciously. I let out a faint sigh and redirected my gaze to the window. The sweet juice was truly delicious.

“…Hmph.”

The trip, which was supposed to be between just me and Sophia, would likely turn into a noisy one as more people joined.

Whatever would happen before we reached the Holy Empire seemed even less clear now.

“I need to manage my emotions.”

Even as naturally as it felt, I reaffirmed my intention. I decided not to reveal my complex feelings when we arrived at the Holy Empire, and gazed out the window at the fleeting winter scenery.

Just a year ago this time of year, I was entirely alone…

“…Time, indeed.”

Though time flowed, I was well aware that winter had returned.

For some reason, I felt an expectation that this winter would be different from the ones before.

***

And so the journey unfolded.