From my earliest memories, my life was already stained with blood.
While the young ladies of the nobility were learning etiquette and tea ceremonies, I was in my father’s workshop researching better methods of torture.
My first kill was when I was six years old.
A boy a couple of years older than me.
I twisted three of his fingers, and he foamed at the mouth and dropped dead.
I thought, “What kind of idiot dies like that?” But my father kindly explained it was shock.
Anyway, since it was my first time taking a life, I remember his face clearly.
First times always hold a special significance, after all.
Of course, it’s not just the first I remember.
I remember the second and third too.
Ah, I vaguely recall the fourth as well.
After that, it’s been so long I’ve forgotten, but don’t blame me.
When I was young, I was less skilled, so I killed more people than I do now.
Really, every day, in various ways.
When the numbers pile up, who has the time to care about each one?
Seeing me drenched in blood every day, my father worried I might develop some unnecessary trauma.
Since this was our livelihood, it wouldn’t do to have bad memories from a young age.
Back then, I actually cried myself to sleep.
Fortunately, now I feel nothing.
Maybe I’ve deceived myself along with others, or maybe my emotions have just crumbled and dulled.
Well, either way, it doesn’t matter.
What’s important is the result: I’ve become accustomed to it.
My attitude towards life was similar.
It was clearly not a normal life, but even if I had to endure it alone, I never held any resentment towards anyone.
After all, I am a noble.
One of the blue-blooded elite reigning at the top of the empire’s pyramid, with millions of commoners beneath my feet.
Even though we come from humble slave origins, we are nobles because we faithfully fulfill our duties.
It’s because we offer our blood talents to His Majesty the Emperor that we can enjoy our privileges.
Complaints are for those who aren’t even given a chance.
Seeing the commoners who sometimes came in as test subjects made me feel this even more acutely.
I thought, “I’m really lucky.”
***
The year I turned ten.
I visited the Adelian Duchy for the first time with my father.
I knew our family served Adelian, but it was the first time I actually saw it.
As expected of one of the four great noble families, it was dazzling and grand, and I couldn’t take my eyes off it.
It didn’t feel real that our family belonged to such a powerful faction.
In my heart, the Wharton family didn’t seem very noble.
That’s why I was even more nervous.
In my childish mind, I was worried that I might displease the high-ranking nobles.
It was just a child’s naive thought.
Who would care about the second daughter of the Wharton family?
Well, it wasn’t just nervousness I felt.
The biggest feeling was probably inferiority.
The birthday banquet of the princess we attended was a party where many nobles gathered.
I didn’t want to hear that I, a troublemaker, didn’t know etiquette.
But objectively, I was indeed lacking compared to the young ladies of my age.
So, when I was determined to stay sharp, a thought crossed my mind.
The princess was the same age as me.
If I could build a friendship with her, I could be in a more advantageous position as we grew older.
I decided to cling to her and become friends.
I had a determined heart for the future of our family.
And then, my first impression of Remia Adelian was…
“Hello…”
“…Pretty.”
“…Huh?”
She was beautiful.
I couldn’t think of anything else.
Her eyes were as clear as white jade.
Her nose was perfectly straight.
Her lips were soft, the color of pomegranates.
Her hair looked like it would scatter if touched, and her face was sculpted to perfection.
Her shy demeanor and fidgeting little fingers.
Even at a young age, her figure showed promise, and her skin was pale with a hint of red.
I wondered if it was okay for someone to be this lovely, even though she was just a person like me.
I couldn’t take my eyes off her.
She was so beautiful.
I just stared blankly at her face until the Duke expressed his curiosity.
Honestly, at that moment…
“Ah, I misspoke.
I’m Ariana Wharton. Your Highness!”
“Ah… yes…”
“I am also a loyal member of the Wharton family, ready to serve you.
Please, just say the word if you need anything!”
“Ah…? Uh… um…”
I fell for the princess.
At first sight.
***
It was absolutely not a feeling of affection.
Even though I was young, I had studied torture and related knowledge, so I knew.
What I wanted with the princess was physical love.
A sexual desire to kiss her, touch her, and have a physical relationship.
Of course, at that age…
I wasn’t crazy about sexual desires from the start.
The problem was that the only way I knew how to love was through that.
I had been trained in nothing but torture, after all.
Not having received proper education to function as a human, my thoughts naturally drifted in that direction.
I wished my first love could have been more pure, but it seems it was doomed from the start.
Anyway, I felt my heart race with the first flicker of affection.
And then, in an instant, it sank.
It wasn’t that my feelings for the Princess had cooled.
I just realized it was a love that could never be, considering the difference in status and other issues.
…Putting everything else aside, loving someone of the same gender?
That’s just weird, isn’t it?
I’d never liked a man before, but I thought it was just because I was young. I never imagined I could be a homosexual.
It was a bolt from the blue, and honestly, a bit despairing.
The thought of spending my whole life pining away was just too sad.
I wanted to be normal.
I wanted to love like everyone else.
I even tried to deceive my own emotions, just like I’d deceived others with my acting.
But, of course, that was impossible.
No matter how much I suppressed it, every time I saw the Princess’s face, the flames reignited.
Eventually, as puberty hit and the intervals between seeing her grew shorter, I realized I couldn’t go on like this.
Now, it wasn’t just her appearance—I liked Remia as a person.
The more I learned about her, the more my feelings grew.
I couldn’t control it at all.
I was so worried I’d cause a huge scandal and wipe out my entire family.
No joke, every time I saw her, my brain just short-circuited.
When I caught myself debating whether to just pounce on her, I knew I was in deep trouble.
In the end, I gave up on controlling it and decided to shift my feelings slightly.
I’d become her ardent follower.
If I couldn’t be her lover, I’d at least be a trustworthy subordinate and support her for life.
It was an extension of the mask I’d perfected after years of hardship.
Emotions are so wild that just tweaking their direction can completely change your personality.
“Ariana.”
“Yes, Princess?”
“Aren’t you going to hold my hand?”
“…Right. It’s probably best to avoid such actions from now on.”
“I see.”
“…Is that okay?”
“Huh? Of course.”
Truthfully,
I didn’t want to let go for even a second.
Watching you accept it so easily, I secretly clutched my chest.
There was no other way.
Since I was the one who’d fallen in love, if I didn’t do this, I wouldn’t be able to control myself.
I had to be content just being by your side.
Even when the Princess began to open her heart to Hans DiCardi,
I was always one step behind, watching from afar, but that was enough.
No, to be honest,
it hurt a little when I realized your feelings for DiCardi.
It took me three days to stop crying under the covers, worrying my family, and finally pretending to be fine in front of others.
…Looking back, it really hurt a lot.
Even though there was no hope to begin with, I acted like I’d been dumped.
But for me, it was like a natural disaster—something I couldn’t help.
You even asked me what kind of feelings you had for DiCardi.
That’s when I first realized how disgusting it feels to give love advice to the person you’re pining for.
Even with my unshakable mask, managing my expression was the hardest it had been in five years.
And that wasn’t even the end of it.
After that, all DiCardi-related consultations became my responsibility.
I thought about quitting being a follower more than once or twice.
When you’d casually lie in the same bed without any boundaries because we were the same gender, I seriously wondered if you were trying to seduce me.
But I endured.
I never let it show, and in the end, I was never found out.
…Can you empathize with how hard it was for me?
So,
since you hurt me so much,
I at least hoped you’d end up with DiCardi, have beautiful children, and live happily ever after.
Even if I was dirty and could only watch, I wanted you, pure as you are, to be happy.
