Chapter 214

The ocean is filled with water, yet saltwater cannot quench thirst.

“Of course, this is all my guess. There’s not a shred of evidence. I failed to find anything.”

Even now, words like that make no difference; my heart was already adrift at sea. The desert of water had given me nothing but thirst. The burning thirst was already consuming my heart. I was aflame on the water’s surface. No, I was extinguished.

Only ashes remained.

“Unfortunately, since I’m neither an incredible tycoon nor some secret agent, there’s nothing more I can give you. You probably won’t be very thankful, but I have quite a bit of hope in you.”

“Is that the end of the story?”

“Yes, you may go back. I need to buy some clothes to change into….”

That remark made me feel a bit, just a tiny bit, guilty, but as I recalled what Han Su-young had said to me, even that feeling quickly faded. I wanted to disappear from this place as soon as possible.

It seems I’ve been crying more than usual lately. Didn’t I just choke up a moment ago?

Now, I thought I would rather keep crying. I had nothing left to shed.

I could go straight home, but Mira and Eun-a were there. I wasn’t confident in facing them in this state while pretending everything was fine. Where should I go? Where should I head?

I randomly got on the subway. I didn’t even know where I was going. I didn’t check which line it was. There were so many people. There were too many people that it felt like I was going to get bounced out. I wished someone would hold me, but there was no one to do so. I managed to squeeze into the carriage.

Is that so? This is Seol-guk.

No, it isn’t even that anymore.

I was curious about my name. To understand this burning thirst, I needed a name.

I had never liked this name for even a single moment. Yet, as I lived for nearly thirty years, I had inevitably become attached to it. To snatch it away the moment I got attached, there’s a limit to bad taste.

I often wondered what my mother was thinking when she gave me such a name. I was teased for it, and I often heard that it was hard to pronounce. It was all the worse because it was a book title.

If there had been a “Seol-guk” in the box my mother left me, I might have thought it was a meaningful name.

But there was no “Seol-guk” there.

This world never had an existence like Seol-guk in the first place. No matter how many tunnels I passed through, there was no place where a pristine white Seol-guk appeared.

Without a name, how should I establish my existence? How should I prove myself? I am me. Therefore, I exist. It’s not even funny. The truth that I am me is already dead, isn’t it? So, do I not exist now?

People gradually left, and the subway became empty. How many hours had I been quietly sitting there? I arrived at the final stop.

And the terminus was the sea. What a true bad taste.

The moment I stepped outside, the salty scent of the ocean hit me. It was a smell like poison. It felt like I would vanish in this wind. As I headed toward the beach, the sound of crashing waves echoed in my ears. Would it be comfortable if I just went in?

It wouldn’t be. I knew it was a foolish thought. I knew the current gloom was temporary and that I’d be up again soon. Yet, in that moment, everyone had their own sincerity.

I dipped my feet into the seawater and turned back. I felt a bit resistant to putting on shoes with wet feet, but what could I do now?

Maybe the cold seawater brought me back to reality. Still, my emotions calmed down a little. Yes, I’m fine. It doesn’t matter.

I got on the train heading back home, and by the time I got off after a long time, it was already very late. This was probably the train just before the last one. It was quite late; had Eun-a gone home? Was Mira angry?

If I shared today’s story, both of them would comfort me, since they’re good kids.

That’s why I didn’t want to go any further. It was late at night, and I sat in a deserted park. My phone had several messages. They were all pretty unnutritious chats. I didn’t reply and kept turning my useless smartphone on and off.

I’m like this…

I’ve become strong.

I won’t cry over this anymore. I didn’t make a fuss about wanting to die over this, nor did I unnecessarily cling to others complaining about it.

So, what’s left for me?

An impulsive choice.

I made a call.

Before long, the call connected, and the first words were these.

“Hey, are you crazy? Do you know how much an international call costs?”

The sound of that voice was so typical that I relaxed instantly.

“You have plenty of money, so why be stingy about it?”

“Idiot, this is a collect call.”

Huh? I momentarily panicked foolishly. Oh man, this is going to cost a lot. Even in my depression, I worried about money. Isn’t this fake depression? But that didn’t really matter.

“Should I call you back? What’s going on?”

“No, looks like you’re not sleeping yet.”

“This is America, you know? It’s morning here. I just woke up.”

“Oh, really? Is someone next to you by any chance?”

It wasn’t a question asked out of concern that they might overhear the conversation. It was just a question. It had no meaning.

“Do you think so? Your voice sounds a bit strange, are you okay?”

“Does it?”

“Yeah.”

“Then don’t hang up, just stay on the line.”

“Did something happen?”

“Seems like something did.”

I chuckled softly with a small sound. It was a laugh that didn’t sound enjoyable at all.

And for a moment, the time granted to us was filled with silence and stillness. A small, comfortable moment of dying.

I opened my mouth first between the silence and stillness.

“I met someone today.”

“Who?”

“I can’t say, but anyway, that person did some research about my birth.”

“Did anything come up? Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, of course. What would I do if I weren’t? Fly over here?”

“Of course not.”

Yeah, that’s right. No matter what, that couldn’t happen. No way would they give up their schedule and buy a plane ticket to come over just for me. It was a highly reasonable thing. Yet, why did I feel bad?

I shouldn’t feel bad about something so obvious. I know that this is just meaningless childishness. But, I wanted to act like that right now. A shameless girl. Seriously, a foolish girl. There’s a limit to childishness.

“Still.”

“Really, if it truly becomes unbearable, tell me. I’ll come.”

You really are insane.

“All the important things I needed to do here are done, and I’m just hanging around as if I’m a supporter. If something important comes up, there’s nothing stopping me from going. If it’s really important, just tell me.”

You’re really, really completely crazy.

You idiot.

“Forget it. It’s not that. Are you a rich kid? Am I supposed to buy a new plane ticket? Ah, I guess you are a rich kid?”

“Seeing you joke around, you seem alive.”

“Did you think I was calling from the afterlife?”

*Kik kik*. This time, did it sound a bit more pleasant? I said it as nonchalantly as possible.

“You know my name, right? Seol-guk. Apparently, this might not even be my real name.”

“What nonsense is that?”

“So usually, we register births, right? But if I had been registered with this name, I wouldn’t have ended up in an orphanage, or I wouldn’t have found anything.”

“…Then, are you saying…”

“Before the name Seol-guk, I must have had another name.”

“Did you find it?”

“Unfortunately, I didn’t find it.”

“I don’t know how many times I’ve had to say that now.”

Are you okay?

“I’m fine.”

“Don’t think about coming and just have fun. You’re not a child anymore to be crying over such things.”

“Seems like it has been a while since I was one, but why’ve you been crying until now?”

“Shh, it’s not nice to dig into a woman’s past.”

Did she think it was a joke? It probably sounded that way. Hwa-won spoke in a slightly more relaxed tone.

“Yeah, yeah. But if something happens, call me. I’ll send you the reception fee.”

“I’m fine.”

“We keep saying that.”

“True.”

Without anyone saying anything, we both laughed. A small, yet definite, joyful laugh.

“You should start sleeping soon.”

“It’s only eleven.”

“Kids should be going to bed.”

“Don’t joke around.”

“If you don’t sleep, you won’t grow tall?”

Ah, that’s a bit concerning.

“Okay, I got it. I’ll sleep. Actually, I’m in bed right now.”

I lied. I figured if I said I was sitting alone in a park with no one, they would worry.

“Good thinking. Then let’s hang up and you should sleep.”

“Is sleeping supposed to come when I call it?”

“If it doesn’t come, at least count sheep.”

“You’re pretending to be an American just because you went to America. Are you having fun?”

“Don’t even say that. It’s not fun at all. It’s really tough. I’m just pretending to laugh.”

“That’s because you’re foolish.”

“Let’s just wait and see about that.”

I hung up the phone, leaving Hwa-won’s laughter behind. And I smiled foolishly. My throat, which just felt like it was going to burn from thirst a moment ago, now felt nothing. My insides, feeling empty, were now filled to the brim.

You wouldn’t say such things unless you are out of your mind. Why would a friend fly over just because I was going through something tough? Hahaha. Yet, in some ways, it’s typical Hwa-won behavior. After all, they probably have plenty of money. And they said all their work was finished.

To be honest, it’s probably nothing, and I might be overreacting… or perhaps not? No matter what, a plane ticket is excessive.

Ahahaha.

Hahahahaha.

My insides were filled with thoughts of Hwa-won. It was warm and glowing with something bright. I couldn’t put a price tag on that something that had no price tag attached. But I didn’t want to put a price on it either. I would never sell it. It would forever be mine.

Yet, foolishly, I recalled a memory. The memory of Han Su-young asking me if I liked Hwa-won. A memory where they cornered me and told me to admit it, even when I insisted it wasn’t true.

That’s impossible. It shouldn’t be so. But Han Su-young let go of me strangely easily. Even though I held out stubbornly until the end, they gave up without regret. Now, I think I understand the reason why.

It was just a matter of time.

Simply a matter of time.

It wouldn’t be long. There was no need for them to touch it unnecessarily.

In the end, I would acknowledge, just like I always had.

Why did I hate the idea of Hwa-won meeting someone else? Why did the very notion of Hwa-won’s fiancée, whom I had never met, make me feel bad? Why did I feel happy when Hwa-won came, sad when they left, joyful when they smiled, embarrassed when they teased me, and glad when they worried for me, while furious if Hwa-won didn’t look at me? Over and over, Hwa-won, Hwa-won, Hwa-won…

Why did I call Hwa-won?

Why,

Was it something like that?

It was such a clichéd and easy question, yet it took me far too long to arrive at the answer.

I can’t help it. How could I know what I’ve never received before?

I had never received it, nor had I ever given it. So this is my first time. A completely blank first step.

What should I do?

What do I do, Gang Hwa-won?

It seems I like you.