Chapter 20

“Miss! Oh my, you’re not a child anymore, how can you keep sticking to a boy like that!”

“But I was so scared…”

“What would the elders say if they knew! I knew you two were always close, but I never thought it would come to this… Miss, you didn’t cross the line, did you?”

“Ah, no!”

020

Compliance (Part 1)

I still don’t understand all this talk about darkness and heresy.

But one thing I could clearly see was that I couldn’t persuade them, and the more I struggled to deny reality, the more I suffered alone.

Why didn’t I realize that what they, the Religious Order, you, and the Inquisition Judge truly needed was just a puppet to nod along to their rhythm.

“Your body and mind must have been through a lot, so rest well for now.”

See, it’s become easier now.

Anne, unable to steady herself, lifted me and laid me on the bed. Then, with a frown, she muttered softly.

“The smell of blood…”

The resentment I had scattered everywhere while self-harming and raging. I thought it was all gone, but it seems some traces remained.

“You didn’t suffer anything from that teacher, did you?”

“No, he was a good person.”

“Hmm, really?”

Unintentionally defending him, Anne’s eyes narrowed in disapproval. But she didn’t press further, silently covering me with a blanket.

The stubborn priest’s robe that I couldn’t take off. The bed was hard, and the blanket was scratchy, making it far from a comfortable environment. But it’s a prison, so it’s expected.

However, even this felt like a luxury compared to the torture chamber I had been in.

Too tired to even complain, my eyes began to close. Well, even if I did complain, no one would listen.

“Let’s talk in detail later. For now, get some rest.”

“…Okay.”

Anne, sitting on the floor, looked even more uncomfortable than me, but she remained still, kneeling.

Her posture was neat and familiar. Sensing my gaze, Anne opened her eyes and smiled at me.

A brief eye contact. Then she closed her eyes and returned to her original posture, kneeling on the cold floor with her fists resting on her thighs.

Her unwavering, devout posture seemed to say, “I’ll stay by your side, I’ll protect you.” One reliable action speaks louder than a hundred words.

You haven’t changed after all.

“…Are you going to stay here?”

But you have changed.

At my cautious question, Anne opened her eyes again. Her slightly curved, pale blue eyes looked at me gently.

Her gaze was still as calm as a lake, but I now knew that a storm could rise in those eyes at any moment.

“Maybe… do you dislike it?”

Her innocent appearance remained, but there was consideration within her. Anne no longer threw tantrums or struggled to move.

It was a relief that the inherent weakness that clung to her like a curse had disappeared, but it was also a bit sad that she had become too perfect, too superhuman to rely on me. Or maybe I just felt shabby in comparison.

But even after her deficiencies were filled, the weight of her attention towards me only grew heavier, and things I once took lightly now weighed me down.

“I don’t dislike it. I just thought it might be uncomfortable.”

I can’t sleep.

With you by my side, the hallucinations and delusions that tormented me have all fallen silent, but in their place, you fill the void and torment me.

Without even realizing it.

Your presence, your breath, your scent. Sweet and bitter things mix indistinguishably, and I can neither swallow nor spit them out, just flail helplessly.

“Ah, because of the posture?”

“Yeah, probably.”

“Thank you for worrying. But I’m really fine.”

I want to hate you but can’t, so I end up finding reasons to forgive you.

When it’s time to forgive you, I’ll find reasons to hate you again. Either way, they pile up like a mountain.

“It’s familiar.”

“…I’m glad if you’re okay.”

The rising lump in my throat finally closes my mouth without letting anything out.

In that posture, she doesn’t groan or complain. The Anne who used to pant and cough at the slightest exertion is gone.

You’ve grown too much in places I don’t know, and the unfamiliarity stirs my heart as much as the familiarity. I cover my face with the blanket to hide from you. Or maybe to hide myself.

The sharp light pierces through the thin fabric, tormenting me, but its intensity has waned. With you out of sight, my mind, troubled by you, has somewhat calmed, but the suppressed voices have revived.

“Are you there?”

“Hmm?”

A voice from beyond the blanket. With my vision blocked, I can only sense you when you speak.

Is it such a comfort to have someone else here? I hear some sounds. A short laugh, and the rustling of someone getting up.

Tap. Tap. Light footsteps. The hand placed on the blanket makes me flinch involuntarily. For a moment, I thought Anne might be trying to kill me.

“Reminds me of the old days, right?”

A near-paranoid reflex. Whether she doesn’t know my inner thoughts or pretends not to, Anne continues in a calm voice.

“The old days…?”

“Shh, don’t recall. Further back. When we were together.”

The throbbing headache subsides before it even starts, soothed by her gentle voice. As if comforting me, Anne lightly taps my arm.

“Yeah, together…”

“On rainy days, when I was scared of thunder and knocked on your door to sleep together, the nanny would stop me.”

A familiar story with an unfamiliar word. Nanny, you don’t call your mother ‘mom’ anymore.

“So when I couldn’t do anything but sniffle, you came and hugged me.”

That’s right. Our houses were close, and I was often alone at home, so no one stopped me from wandering around late at night.

I had long overcome the fear of thunder. I was so used to sleeping alone that even when I cried, there was no one to comfort me.

That was before I met you.

“Louis, are you scared?”

“……”

And after meeting you, I tried not to cry anymore, to always appear strong in front of you.

That clumsy mask wore away over the years of separation and shattered completely in the face of the cruel present. There was nothing left to hide my wretched self.

I want to see you, I don’t want to see you, even this blanket I’ve covered myself with. Anne pulls the blanket I’ve covered myself with. I reflexively resist, but the strength difference between a child and an adult is futile.

Instead of completely taking the blanket away, Anne lifts it halfway and slips in beside me.

Just like I did that night, she hugs me.

“We got caught and scolded badly, remember? Thinking about it, it’s probably the same now.”

She covers us again with the blanket. The veil that once hid you and me now becomes a small hiding place from the world. In the returned favor, my stiff muscles slowly relax.

You used to fit snugly in my arms, but after all this time, we’ve become almost the same size. We can look each other in the eye and hug each other instead of one holding the other.

“Even now?”

“Yeah. If we get caught like this now… Well, even I might be burned at the stake.”

Laughing mischievously, Anne casually says such things.

“…What?”

“The Religious Order is much stricter than the nanny. Yeah, what better evidence than being in bed with a heretic?”

It’s so familiar, and with my mind not in a state to care about such things, I hadn’t noticed.

But now I realize how closely we’re pressed together. Unlike when we were kids, I feel embarrassed and try not to notice the smooth curves of her body through the thin fabric.

In this situation, with this person, feeling desire would be the ugliest thing.

“Don’t worry too much, I told you, right? I’ll protect you.”

In this moment, the slaughterer who sacrificed everything for me whispers that she will sacrifice everything for me.

“Somehow, yeah. Somehow, definitely.”

As she says this, Anne’s cheeks and ears are slightly flushed, probably from the heat. I guess I’m the same, though without a mirror, I can only speculate.

The emotions that set our faces on fire must be different. Even though you’ve matured, become more adult-like, and perfect, you’re still you.

Only after a little light in my heart do I see what’s at my feet, which was too dark to see before.

Anne’s face, reddened as much as mine, pretending to be at ease so I wouldn’t feel anxious. Though she says nothing, I can read all the words she’s swallowed.

I’m trying so hard, for you, only for you, everything.

Why don’t you. The stems that could grow into resentment with just a little more sprouting.

“Are you still… scared of me?”

Don’t hate me.

The only words I can return are these.

“I’m not scared.”

The chills and tremors that came with fear had already stopped without me realizing.

Whether your warmth has reached me and dispelled the cold, or my trembling has reached you and you’re trembling with the same resonance as me.