Chapter 2

A few days after a small conversation in the dining room, the butler entered the study in the morning, carrying a splendid tailcoat.

“I didn’t know you had a hobby of buying such clothes.”

“An old man like me wouldn’t wear such expensive clothes, Family Head.”

“I believe there’s no age limit to fashion.”

“Indeed, there’s no age limit to fashion. But there are social restrictions at the banquet hosted by the Imperial Family, aren’t there?”

“Banquet…?”

“Didn’t I mention it a while ago? Today is the victory celebration banquet. I distinctly remember you agreeing to attend, Family Head…”

I don’t recall doing so, but if the butler says so, it must be true.

“…I have no choice.”

“The young lady and madam will also be attending. If you don’t go, their position will become difficult.”

“On the contrary. The moment I, the family’s disgrace, accompany them, they’ll feel uncomfortable.”

“Family Head…”

“Prepare a separate carriage for me. Prepare a large one for them. Even if it’s a bit inconvenient, a small one will suffice for me.”

The moment I enter with them, my mother and sister will be subjected to people’s cold stares. It’s better for them to direct those cold stares at me alone.

I’m already too familiar with their cold stares.

“…I have no choice but to attend, but at least prepare the attire properly.”

“Yes, I’ve prepared the fur coat for you as well.”

Anyone unaware of the situation would think I’m crazy.

Who would wear a fur coat in this sweltering heat? Even the shirt I wear underneath is as thin as possible. Who would wear such a thick fur coat?

But with the cicadas buzzing outside and me trying to keep the fire at bay, it was a necessary measure.

“Will one set be enough?”

“…Prepare two sets.”

“Are you really not going to inform the young lady or madam about your condition…?”

“For them, there’s no greater waste of time than hearing about me. I know that… but I don’t want to experience their reactions firsthand.”

There’s a big difference between knowing and actually experiencing. I can guess what their reactions will be, but I don’t want to see them with my own eyes.

I’m just a coward who doesn’t want to get hurt.

“…Butler. Call someone to help me change and a maid to do my makeup. And make sure they keep their mouths shut.”

“Understood.”

I needed someone to adjust my clothes to hide my emaciated body and someone to cover my pale face.

My family might not notice, but my friends would surely realize how much worse I’ve become.

“How sad. Even my friends must be deceived.”

“You’re doing it for their sake. Don’t feel too guilty.”

“Thank you.”

There was one consolation in this sad banquet. I could meet people I would have had to visit separately all at once.

At least I could save what little time I had left.

Yes. Let’s think of it that way.

###

The sky just before sunset was quite unimpressive. At least, I thought so. My mother and sister had already left in the carriage, and I followed in a smaller one.

Wearing a thick fur coat, the time spent moving forward while checking the carriage floor was neither boring nor interesting.

It was just time spent pondering what the stains on the floor resembled. It was a meaningless action, but it was my effort to make the time less tedious.

“Family Head, we’ve arrived.”

As the carriage door opened, I got out, holding the cane I had prepared on the opposite seat.

The sound of the cane, louder than my footsteps, caught people’s attention.

“I came at the invitation of His Majesty the Emperor.”

The servants welcoming the guests seemed quite surprised by my appearance.

“…Do you plan to open the door only after calling the host?”

“N-no, it’s just that we didn’t expect to see you in person… I-I certainly didn’t mean to ignore you or anything.”

“I understand.”

I understood their situation. They didn’t expect to see me, and facing me, who they didn’t want to see, wouldn’t be pleasant. I could understand that.

That’s why I didn’t want to see them forcing themselves to make excuses, compromising their pride.

I also detested forcing someone to make excuses. I didn’t want to be that kind of authoritative person.

“I don’t like conversations filled with forced excuses.”

“We’ll make sure this doesn’t happen again…!”

There was no need to bow so deeply in apology.

“Don’t worry.”

“Yes…?”

“There won’t be a next time for us.”

After all, I have no intention of attending Imperial banquets after today.

“Ah…”

Leaving him, who seemed to have lost strength in his legs and slumped down, I moved into the banquet hall.

And the announcer loudly declared my entrance.

“Entering is one of the five heroes who led the Great War to victory and the head of the Berze Family! Raul Berze!”

I didn’t prefer such noisy entrances, and it was nothing but a nuisance to others. Everyone stepped back uncomfortably, and the faces of those happily chatting stiffened.

I had planned to quietly show my face and leave, but this would only make things awkward for everyone.

And I found the name he announced repulsive. My name in ancient language meant ‘Hope of Life,’ and my surname meant ‘Love of the Surroundings.’ Both were things I no longer had, so having such a name was nothing but deceit. By that logic, my name might as well not exist.

“What face does he have to show up here…”

“Shh, what if he hears? He’s the one who got our comrades and subordinates killed. Do you think he’ll let you off?”

“Even His Majesty, who recognized such a person as a hero, is careless.”

“He probably just got the position because he was His Majesty’s close friend. If he weren’t, His Majesty would have had his head.”

What are they overlooking? Are they overlooking how loud their voices are? Or are they overlooking that my ears are still fine?

Or are they aware of all that and just mocking me?

I wasn’t particularly interested in which it was. I knew such people existed, and the words I heard today weren’t much different from what I expected.

“…Excuse me.”

I spoke to a servant busily carrying drinks.

“W-what can I do for you…?”

“I’d like to be shown to the lounge. Can you tell me where the quietest place is?”

“The party has just started, are you sure you don’t want to enjoy it more…?”

“I’m tired. I want to rest my eyes for a bit.”

I wasn’t sleepy, but even if I just closed my eyes and counted, time might pass a little faster.

“Yes… I’ll guide you.”

He was trying hard to maintain a smile, but I could see the irritation behind it. Still, his effort to hide it was admirable, and I wasn’t angry at all.

“It’s the farthest from the hall, so it’s the quietest place… It might be a bit uncomfortable, is that okay?”

It was indeed a clean but somewhat small room. In terms of size, it might even be smaller than the rooms where the maids in our mansion stay.

“It’s fine.”

I handed him a silver coin. He seemed disappointed it wasn’t gold, but he bowed with a smile, expressing his gratitude.

What a commendable person. His effort to hide his feelings felt professional, and I genuinely wanted to applaud him. Not sarcastically, but sincerely.

“Phew…”

After sending him off, I quietly crouched in a corner by the fireplace. I buried my face between my knees and stared into the darkness.

The numbing sense of time in the darkness gave me a slight breath of relief. I wanted to drift in this darkness until the banquet ended.

But my wish was brutally shattered by uninvited guests.

“Hey, corpse! Not drinking again and moping in a place like this!”

“Sigh… No sense of dignity. It seems you’ve forgotten you’re a lady of a noble family.”

“…Your Majesty. Opening the door without knocking is also undignified.”

My eyes, accustomed to the darkness, could clearly recognize who they were.

“…Go away.”

At least while I’m resting, I don’t want to face anyone.

Just as eyes accustomed to darkness prefer darkness, I, accustomed to being alone, wanted to stay alone.

“You’ve grown up, Count Berze. Daring to order the Emperor.”

“…Would you kindly leave, Your Majesty?”

Perhaps because our childhood days of calling each other by name are over, we now address each other by titles. Yes, this might be quite a sad thing.

“Haha, it seems the Count is in a bad mood today.”

My name is not Count.

“……”

I buried my face between my knees again.

“Count, I ask just in case…”

If it’s another unnecessary worry, I planned to answer with silence.

“Are you perhaps menstruating? It’s unheard of for a man to menstruate.”

And the moment those words reached my ears, a deafening sound filled the small room.

If we were to trace the cause of that sound, it would probably be my and the Emperor’s fault.

I swung the cane I had placed beside me, and the Emperor blocked my attack with the sword at his waist.

“…Isn’t this an attempted assassination of the Emperor, Count?”

“Don’t worry. It won’t be an attempt soon.”

I was serious. At least in such a situation, I didn’t have the wit to joke.

I wasn’t particularly angry. I just didn’t tighten the reins of reason enough to stop my body from moving naturally.

At least in front of these people, I could loosen those reins.

Yes, it was just that kind of relationship.