Chapter 194

Trusting others is, in fact, an extremely difficult thing to do.

In a winding life where I frequently find myself doubting even my own existence, I relinquish myself to the waves that change by the moment, without knowing what lies ahead.

Laura showed me her trust. A kind of trust that I wouldn’t dare to follow.

When I asked how I could enjoy the festival with Rina, I evaded the answer. So it’s only natural that I do not trust.

Laura didn’t do that.

‘Is she receiving my trust?’

It was a mysterious feeling. Feeling trusted by someone is a kind of sensation I haven’t experienced in a long time.

When was the last time I felt trusted?

– Priest Lucio. I believe in you.

– What’s with the sudden… Does that mean you didn’t believe in me before?

– You know that’s not the case.

…Yes, it was a long time ago.

Someone believing in me. Offering complete trust without wanting anything in return.

If you think about it, Laura’s trust in me is a somewhat different kind of trust. The difference between trusting someone who wants something and someone who sends trust without asking for anything in return.

That difference could be the width of a piece of paper, or it could be an expanse from the heavens to the earth.

However, still, in the sense of sending trust to me… that’s…

– You remember the promise we made together, right?

– …You mean the one where if you can’t return to the academy, I would take your place? Why do you keep bringing that up…

– One more thing, promise me.

…No.

Thinking it over, even in that promise… you wanted something from me.

– All of a sudden?

– If I take over your students… you know, the ones I was originally supposed to take, I promise I won’t give up on them.

– …….

– I will never give up on the students, I will never let them get hurt, and I will never hurt them… Please promise me that.

Looking back now, there seem to be many promises that appear obvious yet are still something that drags along. I have even thought, ‘Was I that untrustworthy?’

But now that I think back on it…

‘You asked for that promise because you trust me.’

Not because you feel the need to put restrictions on me by thinking I might easily give up on the students or hurt them.

But because you really trust me. Because you believed that even without a promise, I would go to the academy according to her words. Because you didn’t think I would mishandle the students.

To set a goal for me.

Looking back with a sense of congratulation, that purpose has been achieved.

Thus, I have been compelled to live on with a half-life.

Reflecting on being trusted… all sorts of thoughts come to mind…

When I lay out the reasons, they all stem from you. Not a single one is missing.

…It would be nice if just one could be omitted.

“Head Priest? It seems that the festival is coming to a close here.”

At the words of Sub-Priest Sofia, I snapped out of my thoughts. Perhaps it was not due to aimless wandering; somehow, Sofia and I were sitting side by side on a bench.

– Lucio. I hope you continue to live your own life, just like you are now. I hope you don’t become like me.

Cesar’s conversation from the bench comes to mind. For some reason, I could remind myself of the fact that all the people I remember have driven a nail in my heart…

It was a good warning. A very good warning.

“Head Priest?”

“…Yes. What did you say?”

“Oh, nothing. You just seemed lost in thought for a moment.”

Sub-Priest Sofia looks at me with a worried expression. It’s now past a point of feeling guilty; I’m almost tired of myself for making her wear such an expression.

“I’m fine. It’s just that… this happens sometimes.”

“Every time you say that, it’s because you weren’t in a right state of mind. Showing that state often is a bigger problem.”

“…I’m sorry.”

“Apologies… no, that’s not what I intended to say. I should be the one apologizing.”

Sub-Priest Sofia fell silent. I also closed my mouth.

As she said, the festival has ended for today. The Academy’s Fall Festival isn’t entirely over yet, so tomorrow, outsiders will surely return to this place, bustling again.

That is not something I look forward to, and at the same time, it also brings along complex thoughts.

‘Rina von Adelheit…’

A girl I have never seen, truly shrouded in mystery. The second daughter of the Adelhaid Duke, who would feel lonely even if she were ranked second in family love.

I heard that Rina wants to see the festival. I heard that she longs for the warmth of people. I was also told that she has not stepped outside the mansion even once since her health deteriorated.

Such Rina has expressed her desire to enjoy a bustling festival filled with people. She has hoped for that alone with great longing.

…Completely opposite from me.

It was absurd. That I, who avoid and dislike crowded places, would go to such lengths to deny my own identity to confront a girl who longs for the warmth of people. Is there even a reason to do that?

Even more absurd is that I am a person who feels the need to do just that. The reason is still…

– When the war ends, let’s go see the Fall Festival together. The fireworks are truly beautiful.

– Didn’t you say that just yesterday?

– I want to see you, Priest Lucio.

“……”

If I want to see it, I want to show it.

Now, even if it’s not you, I don’t mind.

– I really want to see it with you, Priest Lucio.

Among all those absurdities, there’s one thing that I cannot laugh at alone.

In the end, I am once again floundering in your shadow.

I should be gradually pulling myself out. Yet, I know all too well that thrashing about just pulls me deeper in, like sinking into a quagmire.

I know that better than anyone.

“Head Priest.”

Sub-Priest Sofia spoke to me. I looked at her and thought.

‘…A substitute for Helena.’

It’s hard to accept that I treat someone simply as a substitute just because they resemble another. Yet, I catch myself layering Helena’s words on Rina’s matters, presenting a fabricated kindness before Laura.

All decked out and enhanced, it appears pure white on the outside, but if you split it in half, it contains all my ugly desires. It is filled with lingering attachment to that which will never return.

If the day comes when that’s revealed, I…

‘What should I do?’

“Head Priest? Are you listening?”

“I am.”

“Do you have any ideas about how Miss Rina will enjoy the festival?”

“Sub-Priest Sofia, as I mentioned to Laura, that’s something I cannot reveal.”

…I know I shouldn’t say this, but…

Sub-Priest Sofia bit her lip. Although she knew she should continue speaking, it seemed she was struggling with the thought that she absolutely should not say that.

How long had it been since Sub-Priest Sofia’s lips started to tremble?

“Ha…”

What finally escaped her mouth was just a deep sigh.

“Really… You promised to enjoy the festival with me…”

“…I’m sorry.”

“…No, I’m sorry too. If you think about it, it’s not really your fault…”

Sub-Priest Sofia offered her apology in return. That gesture felt entirely unwelcome to me.

In the end, my regret and longing… are slowly consuming me like a quagmire. They refuse to stop their gluttony.

“But, even if it’s tomorrow… will you be able to enjoy the festival with me?”

“…I’ll do my best.”

“That’s all I need.”

Sub-Priest Sofia fell silent. I also closed my mouth. While I may have been the subject of the conversation, I was not the one steering it.

As we silently faced each other with our mouths closed, how long had it been? Sub-Priest Sofia’s lips began to quiver before finally opening.

“…That’s enough. Really.”

“…I’m sorry.”

“Head Priest, do you remember what I mentioned to you before?”

“Which….”

Sub-Priest Sofia seemed to have something more to say, then cheerfully smiled. Her smile was natural, free from any artifice, but…

“When you confided in me about your difficult times… I distinctly told you this.”

“……”

“From now on, no more apologies.”

That smile, did it really look sad, or was it just my imagination?

“So please, don’t apologize anymore. This is your second warning.”

“If it becomes a third, will there be something?”

“Well, I’m not sure? If you’re really curious, you can go ahead and try it now.”

“…No, I won’t do that again.”

“Don’t apologize for things you haven’t done wrong, and don’t place the blame on everything on the Head Priest.”

Sub-Priest Sofia’s delicate fingers unfolded one by one. There were only two fingers, yet they felt heavier than anything else to me.

“Just keep these two. Head Priest.”

“I’ll do my best.”

“When it comes to this, instead of saying you’ll try, you should respond that you will do it.”

“…I will do it.”

“…If that made you feel uncomfortable, I’m sorry. However, your continued responses like that… are really not helpful for you.”

“I understand. I’m not at all offended, so don’t worry.”

“Phew…”

Sub-Priest Sofia puffed out her cheeks, and from her round lips, something resembling a sigh escaped.

With that, a silence fell over the conversation that had momentarily paused.

The gazes of visitors passing by the bench we were sitting on didn’t turn toward us. They engaged with each other in such astonishing indifference, either chatting among themselves or casually walking by…

It felt rather pleasant. It was as if I were in a world detached from Sub-Priest Sofia. Interest in me was poison.

Together, we felt as though we had become people who did not exist in this world, silently observing the crowd.

People passed by with warm expressions, engaged in lively conversation. Like a panorama, the various faces of those who were happily chatting didn’t convey a shade of unhappiness as they passed before us.

I clenched my fists tightly. Though Sub-Priest Sofia was right beside me, she too seemed lost in thought.

Indifference. The feeling of being nonexistent in a world where the warmth of others does not reach. It might be poison for Sub-Priest Sofia.

But it was not poison for me. Rather, the gazes of people become more of a poison.

For the first time in a while, I watched the crowd with a comfortable heart. Even though there were so many people, I felt I could not smell them at all.

From the side where Sub-Priest Sofia sat, a weight settled. Her head gently rested on my shoulder. A fresh scent tingled in my nose. The scent of people.

“Oh, there you are.”

“Professor! Sub-Priest Sofia!”

“Professor Antorelli. We’ve been looking for you.”

Toward us came the Occult Research Club and Sir Jericho, along with Nina, who approached from a distance. I stared at them blankly.

“Sub-Priest Sofia! Why didn’t you go into the haunted house today?”

“Th-that’s too scary….”

“Hey… I lowered the tension a bit based on Sub-Priest Sofia’s feedback! You must come tomorrow for sure!”

“Eek….”

“Professor Antorelli! Tomorrow, you have to take Sub-Priest Sofia with you to experience the haunted house! It’s a must! Do you understand?”

“Sure, I promise, Professor.”

For a moment, Sub-Priest Sofia’s head, which had leaned against my shoulder, was already gone. The scent of people had been replaced with something else.

It was warmth. The warmth of people, so easily obtainable, right at my fingertips.

If I long for this so desperately, just how cold must my heart be?

Reason is cold. However, it must not allow the heart to be cold as well.

I heard that Rina is a younger sister a year younger than Laura. At such a young age, not yearning for the love and affection lacking from family… but seeking stability and warmth from others and the community.

That is truly a cruel thing.

– Please promise me, Priest Lucio.

…Now that I think about it.

I was asked by Helena… what did I respond?

……

– I promise.

“…I will promise.”

Ah, right.

That was my response.