Chapter 190

When Seo Eun-a and Im Mi-ra first met, my impression was that they simply wouldn’t get along. And in reality, they didn’t. It didn’t make sense that they became friends, but my speculation was accurate.

Given how incompatible they were, it was surprising that something seemed to connect them, as Eun-a continued to get close with Mi-ra even after my contact with Mi-ra had faded. She even dedicated her own time to help Mi-ra with her studies, which is a kind of admirable friendship in a way. Strictly speaking, since Eun-a had half-heartedly given up on university life, it made sense that she would do something like that, but still.

However, that was Eun-a’s story, and since I met Mi-ra last year, I hadn’t seen her even once. I knew from Eun-a that she was doing well, but there was still an uneasy feeling from our first meeting, making me worry whenever I thought of her.

Suddenly, I noticed two fairy tale books tucked in a corner of my bookshelf. They were items I bought at an event I attended with Seo Jae-Ah, and I had bought them intentionally to give to Mi-ra if I ever had the chance to meet her again, but I still hadn’t been able to do so.

I could ask Eun-a to pass them on, but when I can’t meet her like this, I start to feel stubborn.

In fact, she likely wasn’t deliberately avoiding me. If she were, it would probably be avoiding everyone else, not just me. She was in a difficult situation, trying to retake her exams. It wouldn’t be strange for her to feel uncomfortable seeing me, who knows the situation.

I could understand that enough. So I didn’t ask Eun-a to relay messages to her, nor did I pressure her to meet.

I simply hoped that Mi-ra was doing well, and when we met again, we could greet each other with smiles. That was enough for me.

You were the one who first saved me, and when we met again, you were crying. This time, let’s meet and smile. I secretly made that promise to myself.

But of course,

“…Hello, it’s been a while.”

Not everything is easy, is it?

“Yes… Huh…, Waaah….”

I really don’t enjoy the process of reunions. Isn’t that the case for everyone?

~

“Tear those eyes up. Why are you crying every time we meet?”

“It’s, it’s a coincidence. It just—huh, the timing was poor.”

“Let’s talk at home first. You’re not on your way somewhere, are you?”

“No…”

I took Mi-ra’s hand, which showed no resistance, and we headed home.

My house was still in the same place. I planned to move out, but it seemed too soon to leave right away.

Considering the expensive housing prices, even scrimping was not enough for this area. I had plans to move a bit farther away, but since it looked difficult to go straight away, I was currently putting it on hold.

Ham Yejin… I shouldn’t have blocked her. As the landlord, there were some conversations I should have had.

Well, she could ask Han-bom about it.

“But… why are you dressed like that?”

“…Why has your tone become so harsh all of a sudden? ‘That’?”

“I mean, a guy who said he’s a man is wearing a skirt. What should I say about that?”

“…There’s a reason.”

“What reason? Oh, your period?”

“My period ended last week… No, wait a minute. Didn’t you see that news article or community post about this at all?”

“A repeating student like me doesn’t have time to look at those things.”

“Looks like you’re studying hard…”

Explaining this was a bit awkward. This wasn’t just about giving up or yielding, but the long process of becoming comfortable wearing skirts was an unmentionable topic, one that was hard to talk about.

I didn’t have the confidence to explain this process briefly.

“The clothes… um, I just wear them because they’re comfortable. My body is still female, so wearing a skirt shouldn’t cause any problems.”

“The real problem is that I have to call you ‘older brother’ after seeing that.”

“Th-that’s not true.”

It was such a truthful statement that I couldn’t say anything in response. Let’s just let it slide for now.

“Anyway, it seems like your tears have stopped.”

“Your shocking appearance is stuck in my eyes.”

“Is it really that unfitting…?”

“It’s too fitting that it’s a problem.”

Should I be thankful for that?

I’ve accepted many things. This process wasn’t about giving up or yielding, but in the end, I have come to accept wearing a skirt as just a normal thing. But that doesn’t mean I would wear a skirt as casual wear or only wear skirts. I merely consider it.

Even today, there was no particular reason for wearing a skirt while going out for a walk.

I just wore it and somehow felt that… it suited me pretty well.

“So… in Eun-a’s way of saying, does that mean I’ve ‘come out’?”

“Go cut ties with Seo Eun-a. She’s been filling you with strange ideas.”

Seo Eun-a, that crazy girl, what has she taught you?

“I’m joking. It’s nice to see you looking cute.”

“Then that’s fine.”

Anyway, since it seemed like Mi-ra had calmed down quite a bit, it was now time to get to the point.

“So, what did you want to say by coming here?”

Mi-ra flinched. Did she think she wouldn’t get caught? It’s not like we were going anywhere, so if we met around here, that meant she came looking for me.

“…I came because I wanted to say something. More than wanting to say something, it’s just a vent.”

“A vent. That’s something Eun-a would do better than me.”

“It’s about her.”

“Seo Eun-a? Did you fight?”

“Not exactly.”

“Then?”

It was more surprising that they didn’t fight, given this duo.

“Eun-a is….”

“Eun-a is?”

“She’s annoying.”

What?

“She keeps talking about whether she should drop out or not next to me.”

Ah, that… it’s an issue that has already been resolved.

“Actually, that makes sense. But the fact that she does that while being with me is really irritating. She’s helping me study in her own way, and I feel ungrateful for it. But… but I can’t help it. I can’t go to college like Eun-a; I’m just retaking my exams, and if I were in her position, I would have worked harder. If it’s something so trivial to throw away, then I wish I could have that instead… I keep having those thoughts.”

I could understand that problem perfectly. Those feelings of jealousy and inferiority are emotions no one can avoid. Especially considering their ages, it made it even more understandable. But even so,

“Y-you cried over that?!”

Crying over this is a bit of an overreaction, isn’t it?

“My mom is sick.”

“Oh, that’s understandable.”

I’m sorry. But you should have said that earlier… But it was too serious a topic, and my confusion lasted only a moment.

“A month ago, I got a call from my dad. They said Mom has some serious illness. It felt like the sky was falling. But they said that as long as she receives treatment, her life isn’t in danger, so I was relieved, but the hospital bills… they’re quite a lot.”

Tears welled up in Mi-ra’s eyes again, but they didn’t fall. She had already wiped them away.

“So, I started working part-time to help out… about three jobs or so.”

“Three?”

“When I finish studying with Eun-a and am about to go to work, I just keep thinking, why does it have to be me? Why do I have to go through this? Eun-a comes from a rich family, did well on the university entrance exam, and now goes to a good university, so why is it only me…?”

Such clingy, dark, and sad feelings—that bitterness. I couldn’t deny that emotion at all. Once upon a time, I used to feel that emotion to the point of exhaustion.

“Does Eun-a not know about this situation?”

“I haven’t told her.”

Eun-a likely just thought that she was having an ordinary consultation about worries. Knowing her personality, she might have tried to tease her about it. At least, there wouldn’t have been any malice in it. But the timing was just too poor. It was unfortunate that Mi-ra had to go through such a difficult time.

But that didn’t mean I could affirm the emotion. I shouldn’t do that. In the end, Eun-a hadn’t done anything wrong, and Mi-ra understood that this emotion was really directed at herself.

To speak starkly, there was nothing I could do to help…

I could convey this situation to Eun-a, telling her not to mention it, but I felt like it was the opposite direction that Mil-ra wanted. Would it then be about removing the cause? Healing the illness? Sadly, I wasn’t a doctor.

And while I suddenly had some breathing room, I wasn’t that wealthy either. I couldn’t pay the medical bills. But I doubt Mi-ra truly desired something like that.

After all, Mi-ra didn’t come to me seeking help. She had made it clear. This was her venting. “It was really tough for me. I really tried. I worked hard. This is so hard.” That was the extent of the story. So what Mi-ra hoped for, and what I could do, was just this.

“It will be okay.”

“Do you really think so?”

“Yes.”

“I hope so.”

Of course, there was no guarantee that it would work out. There was a time when I disliked meaningless guarantees. Now I understand. They’re meaningless, and the future is uncertain, but even so, it’s this kind of hope that allows us to continue living.

So, I just let Mi-ra lean on me for a moment.

“You’re doing well enough.”

“Really?”

“You’ve tried hard enough.”

“Is that so?”

“You’ll be able to do it.”

That’s what comfort is, right?

~

“Are you feeling a bit better?”

“…Yes.”

“There’s not much to drink at home. I heated up some barley tea, so at least drink this. It’s nice to have something warm when you’re having a hard time.”

“Thank you.”

Mi-ra wrapped her hands around the cup filled with barley tea. I cooled it down enough, so it shouldn’t be too hot. My cup was about the same.

“It’s warm.”

“Is it okay?”

“Brother, you’ve changed a bit.”

“I’ve changed a lot.”

For me to be able to accept that took a long time, but. Even so, I couldn’t help but spit out the barley tea I was drinking because of what Mi-ra said next.

“Somehow, it felt like our mom.”

“Khuk.”

The barley tea I suddenly spat out made a mess on the floor, but Mi-ra’s statement was so shocking that I couldn’t pay attention to it.

“What are you talking about?”

“No, it was just a joke…”

…Really? Then, I’m relieved. But somehow, that’s something that could easily be misinterpreted.

While I’ve become like this and accepted this aspect of me, that doesn’t mean I have any intentions of getting close with a man or marrying and having kids.

As always, I had no thoughts or plans about marriage. The same goes for being intimate with a man.

…I didn’t want to be a mother.

I was glad that what Mi-ra said was not just ‘a mother’ but rather ‘Mi-ra’s mother.’

I didn’t particularly like the term ‘mother.’

I didn’t want to become like a mother.