Chapter 186

The amusement park date with Muk Ha-neul and the time for our eternal farewell has ended. I, who had cried out loud like a child in front of the amusement park, could not continue like that.

Even if I felt sad enough to cry forever, human tears have their limits.

I began to move after my tears stopped. I was still sniffling, but somewhat composed. Even though I had cried loudly like a child, I couldn’t just remain still like that.

Staying still wouldn’t bring anyone to comfort me. I wasn’t a child anymore; I was no longer young.

Half a day ago, I walked the same path I had taken with Muk Ha-neul. The direction was opposite, though.

With every step I took, memories of what I had lost and what I had discarded came rushing back.

The reality of me being a man, along with the memories of Muk Ha-neul and Ham Yejin, one by one brought me both pain and maturity.

Could I mature as much as this pain?

I was a child. But not anymore. I was no longer young.

Today, I discarded many things.

It was like shedding a pupa’s shell. Today, I finally emerged from a caterpillar and transformed into a butterfly. If an egg is one world, then a pupa is also a world.

Today I flew high and fell as well. But what fell was my old self.

Now the me that I had become was soaring. Strangely, it didn’t feel good.

I was sad; I wanted to die. But that’s life, I guess.

Today, I became an adult.

~

The way home was lonely.

I had completely stopped crying, but my face must have been a complete mess. I hadn’t worn heavy makeup, yet it wasn’t immune to being smudged by tears. Just crying alone had made my face look terrible, and now with my makeup smeared, I couldn’t even imagine how foolish I must have looked.

The subway was crowded with people. I stood in a corner, sniffling. Though the gazes around me converged again, I naturally took out my phone to check it.

Not long ago, many people had reached out to me, but now they were silent. There were no new messages on Cocoa Talk. Finally returning to normal; that thought crossed my mind. Of course, there were still acquaintances and friends.

But Han-bom typically came to see me in person if she had something to say, and Seo Eun-a didn’t often send me messages either. Park Chan-wook hadn’t been in touch with me separately, and Kang Hye-won had only spoken to me when ordering clothes.

Muk Ha-neul and Ham Yejin had been the ones I talked to the most. Now, it seemed that the notifications on this talk would mostly belong to just one person.

Just like before, only Hwa-won.

When I checked my missed calls, I saw that Hwa-won had called several times. Given that I had abruptly ended our conversation, it was understandable. What should I do now?

Hwa-won had said she would always be my friend, but I was no longer a man. Could our friendship still exist between us?

I laughed foolishly once more.

Love? That seemed impossible.

Why would she be attracted to this clingy body of mine?

I was relieved that I didn’t fit Hwa-won’s preference for tall women with big breasts.

Really, really relieved.

It felt somewhat odd, but I was relieved.

Anyway, I decided to think about Hwa-won’s calls later; it was time to tackle my postponed tasks.

First, I deleted and blocked Ham Yejin’s number. I followed the same procedure for Muk Ha-neul’s number. I exited the chat room and erased all the texts. Goodbye. Farewell. Let’s not meet again.

In the distant future, if I happened to meet Ham Yejin on the street, I thought I would greet her. If we could receive a new blank slate, as a writer, I needed to fill it.

If, in the distant future, I were to run into Muk Ha-neul again, what would I do? I’m confident in filling out a blank sheet, but I didn’t know how to turn black paper white in the first place. Then, I’ll leave the greeting to you at that time. You’ll greet me first. If you say, “Senior, how have you been?” I’ll answer, “Well, I guess I’m not sure.”

Let’s go home. I just wanted to get home and rest peacefully. Anyone would do; I just hoped someone could comfort me. I didn’t want to be alone anymore.

Fortunately, Seo Eun-a would likely be waiting at home, and Han-bom would also be there. With a couple of them, they could sufficiently comfort me.

After my lengthy thoughts ended, I was still in pain, and that was simply growing pains. But that too was now coming to an end.

My long, excessively long growing pain was nearing its conclusion.

From tomorrow, I wouldn’t hurt anymore.

That was comforting news.

The train stopped, and I got off, walking the same path back home. I no longer sniffled or smiled. It was a little lonely to say I was okay, and oddly refreshing to say I felt sad.

And with those feelings, I walked.

Finally arriving in front of my house, I entered the passcode for the front door. The passcode 1224 hadn’t been changed. Come to think of it, that day, I had been with Hwa-won.

And I said.

“I’m home.”

Finally, I came back.

But I didn’t hear Seo Eun-a’s voice. The lights were on. Was she waiting for me? As I stepped inside, a voice came from behind me. At the same time, a hand landed on my shoulder.

“Hey.”

“Ahhh!”

Of course, I screamed like a girl in surprise. No, now it really was fitting to call me that. In a moment of panic, I dashed forward and turned around. And then I immediately felt relieved. But why were you here?

“What, what’s going on? Why are you here?”

“Can I just sit quietly inside after you made such a call? And why are you so surprised?”

“No, when you suddenly grab my shoulder from behind when I just got home, of course, I would be surprised! Where did you come from?!”

“The bathroom.”

Ah… it was right next to the front door.

“…By the way, how did you get in? Did I tell you the passcode?”

That couldn’t be right. Only Eun-a, who had been staying with me and listening to Ham Yejin’s stories, should know that passcode. Wait, where had Eun-a gone?

“Seo Eun-a, she opened the door for me.”

So you were the culprit.

“And she said she was staying at a friend’s house today? I mean, why is she living here with you in the first place?”

“…She said she had a fight with Professor Seo and asked to stay for a few days.”

But why suddenly at a friend’s house? Why leave Hwa-won behind? I could understand letting me in, but leaving Hwa-won behind was incomprehensible.

And at that moment, I realized how I must look to Hwa-won. Right now, I was… dressed like a total girl. Completely like a girl.

“Ah, t-this outfit is just…!”

“Ah, right. It’s pretty.”

“…Huh?”

“You had a date, right? So you must have dressed up.”

“Isn’t it strange…?”

“Hmm.”

…If you’re saying it’s pretty, why don’t I feel good about it? Somehow, your response lacked sincerity. Normally, it would be best to just casually brush it off in such a situation. Just as I thought that, Hwa-won asked again. There was something more important to her than my outfit.

“Did you cry?”

“…I didn’t cry.”

“With that face?”

My face was a complete mess with smudged makeup from my tears. It was too obvious to deny. I couldn’t find the words. As I hesitated, Hwa-won asked.

“Did you end things well with Muk Ha-neul?”

Hwa-won’s expression seemed somewhat strange. It looked like she was worried about me. Did she think there would be some issue because of that odd call? While it was true, I didn’t want to admit it.

“Y-yeah. It ended well.”

Then suddenly, Hwa-won stepped towards me. In fact, it wasn’t much of a step; it was only three steps.

Hwa-won placed her hands on either side of my face and began to stare at me intently.

“W-wait, what are you doing?!”

“Just checking if it’s for real.”

“You crazy person! Get away!”

Fortunately, it didn’t take long for Hwa-won to let go of my face, but my embarrassment didn’t fade away. As I tried to protest, suddenly,

“What the hell is…!”

“Good job.”

Hwa-won bent her knees and hugged me tightly. She wrapped her arms around me.

“W-what are you talking about?”

“Good job. Good job. I’m complimenting you.”

What on earth have I done well? There was no way Hwa-won could know what had happened between me, Muk Ha-neul, or Ham Yejin. Could it be that Hwa-won somehow sensed my unusual state with some animal instinct? Or did my eyes openly reveal what state I was in?

All this made no sense, but soon it didn’t matter anymore. I hugged Hwa-won back. We embraced each other. People called this a hug.

“…Thank you.”

“Yeah, welcome back.”

We held onto each other for quite some time like that. I closed my eyes and didn’t cry. I had already cried enough today, so I decided to save the next one for later. So we just continued to hold each other.

For a long, long time.

~

After the hug, for some reason, my face turned red. In contrast, Hwa-won’s face looked completely fine.

“…Um.”

I didn’t know what to say. This wasn’t a common occurrence. With Hwa-won, I could naturally be together even without much conversation, and it was rare for the dialogue to drop. Usually, Hwa-won would create conversation starters first.

But for some reason, Hwa-won wasn’t saying anything now. Not knowing what to say, I blurted out something random.

“Ah, do you want to sit down? For now?”

“Before that.”

“Huh?”

Why was I stuttering like this? I didn’t even know why. In fact, I didn’t need to know. Without giving me a chance to think, Hwa-won took my hand and headed to the bathroom.

“What, what’s going on?”

“Let’s take off your makeup and wash your face first.”

My face was indeed a mess. I decided to comply without any complaints. As I was about to wash my face, Hwa-won grabbed my hand.

“What are you doing?”

“…? You said to take off my makeup.”

“No, why are you using water first?”

“Then how do I remove it?”

“Does the person who did your makeup not tell you this? There’s cleansing oil here. Put this on your face first to remove the makeup, then wash your face, then use cleansing foam to wash again.”

“…Can’t I just wipe it off with water?”

“Stop talking nonsense and do as I say.”

“What’s cleansing oil and what’s cleansing foam?”

“I don’t know either. Just do as I say.”

“No, if you don’t know either, then how should I do this?”

“No, really, just stay still.”

Hwa-won squeezed some cleansing something onto her hands and applied it to my face.

“Ah, ow!”

“Stay still, just.”

In this situation, I couldn’t throw a fit to escape Hwa-won’s hands. In the end, I silently trusted her touch on my face, and eventually, my face was cleaned.

“Phew, all done.”

“…You’re strange.”

No matter how I thought about it, wasn’t this a bit odd? Normally, Hwa-won wouldn’t act like this. She would just tease me while watching me awkwardly try to remove my makeup. The one who’s acting strangely might not be me, but Hwa-won.

“I did it because you were being annoying. How old are you that I have to teach you this?”

“One year older.”

“No, ah… I got it, fine.”

Why is she just letting it go? Isn’t this a bit unfair? This was only my second time wearing makeup; how would I know about that? Of course, Hwa-won had a lot of girlfriends and managed her own beauty, so she knew well, but I didn’t. And besides, having many girlfriends wasn’t a good thing.

“I was originally a man, you know?”

“Nowadays, men also manage themselves, and this is basic common sense.”

“Definitely not.”

“Yeah, let’s agree that way.”

…She’s just letting it pass again. Why does it feel like she’s intentionally giving in? Did something happen to Hwa-won too? Just when I was about to ask,

“Something really weird is going on with you. What happened to you…,”

My stomach let out a growl. Hwa-won looked at me, unamused, and asked.

“What do you want to eat?”

“No, no, it’s not that I’m hungry.”

“Then do you feel sick? Do you want to go to the hospital?”

Why bring up the hospital for something like this? It didn’t seem like she was serious, but anyway, I had to tell the truth about my reaction.

“…I’m actually hungry.”

“Tell me what you want to eat. I’ll buy it for you.”

Why must I be hungry right now? Thinking back, I didn’t even get to have dinner with Muk Ha-neul. So that hurried lunch was our last meal together.

“Why do you suddenly have that expression?”

“Nothing. What do I want to eat, um….”

…Ah, that’s it. There was something I really wanted to eat right now.

“I want to drink alcohol.”