Chapter 185

I walk through the faded desert.

And just like that, after walking and walking, for some reason, I stopped and, for some inexplicable reason, looked up at the sky.

My eyes really hurt.

To the point where my eyes involuntarily closed.

The feeling engraved in my chest was surprisingly simple.

It was just that the world was blindingly white.

Pale.

Was the sky this impossibly white all along?

Even as I take one step forward…

The world remains endlessly far away.

Where am I heading?

Where should I go?

Is this path even correct?

The hardship is nothing compared to the pain.

Not even the scorching heat or the oppressive sunlight compares to the crushing pain engulfing my entire body. It truly means nothing.

…Mother.

It seems I’m a weak and useless child who can only get this far.

Though I’ve always thought about the future and arranged even my own death for the benefit of the country…

Perhaps we were greatly mistaken.

We are already riding the will and trends of the world.

Whether we want it or not, the empire will enjoy its golden age and gradually expand its power.

Fate is like a grand current imposed on individuals by the world and society.

Even I, Carriel, Mother, and Your Highness…

In the end, we will all be swept away by that current.

But if that current aligns with one’s own will and purpose… then I believe it’s wonderful. It would be a good thing.

However, I firmly oppose it.

From where did everything start going wrong?

When an old man told me that I would surely die if I became a hostage?

Or when I learned that if I die, Carriel would carry my grudge, invoke the name and will of God, and set the world ablaze?

By the time I realized, it was already too late. Even if I had known, did I really have any choices?

When I noticed, he was already traveling to foreign lands on my behalf.

On the other hand, back then, I was utterly powerless, using my youth as an excuse and unable to do anything.

Because no matter how hard I tried, I was still too young and ignorant of worldly matters.

I always thought that this weakness stemmed from myself.

I respected you who saved others, but I had to struggle daily to suppress my resentment toward your compromises, despite possessing great strength yet choosing not to harm anyone.

You were undoubtedly right.

Our feelings must be disrespectful and evil, without a doubt.

Then tell me this: why forgive their sins? Are they more precious?

While contemplating and agonizing over this, I suddenly realized.

Perhaps in a world where I die, Carriel reached this conclusion and willingly drew his sword.

That’s why…

One day, I saw it in a dream.

Carriel leading the empire, trampling across the continent, and laughing atop a pile of corpses.

Always composed, intelligent, and deep-thinking him…

Even he knew the dark and gloomy side of the world better than anyone.

But he never showed it, wherever he was, especially at such a young age.

Perhaps only I noticed. Our situations were similar.

When he, in a world without me, willingly abandoned the noble legacy of his father and embarked on the path of revenge…

What kind of world had it become?

And much later, I found out…

Mother, Your Highness.

You knew too.

Even Sir Ruelde and Lady Hermine were aware.

But that’s a future we’ll never reach.

After all, I’m still alive.

So now, Carriel, it’s fine as long as you survive, right?

But what if there’s a problem with him?

Will I have to burn the world entirely this time, using his revenge as an excuse?

However, those worries seem unfounded.

I heard that Carriel has been resolving many issues while traveling between countries, showcasing his brilliance.

I harbored great hope.

…When he returned unexpectedly, something seemed seriously wrong.

Upon hearing the news and rushing over frantically, I found him lying there like a corpse.

And he remained unconscious for quite some time.

Seeing that, I was confused for a while.

Where did things go wrong?

It all felt like my fault.

Still, I was young and slow to judge.

Ultimately, to protect him and our empire…

And to uphold the image you both desired…

Yes. I had to make a decision.

I needed power.

Even if I didn’t intend to burn the world, the ability to do so whenever necessary.

Still, even then, I didn’t fully understand.

I could only see it as being pushed into a situation.

Only later did I realize…

That all my resolutions and beliefs were merely following the will of the world and the shackles of fate.

Perhaps Heaven or Lord intended to use Carriel in a different way.

Why couldn’t I embrace him?

I loved him.

But somehow, I had forgotten what love truly meant.

I loved him.

But after gaining power, I never once felt my heart race when I saw him.

So, I thought my love for him was false and deceptive.

Fortunately, there were others around who cared for him.

I believed they could offer him the comfort, consideration, and encouragement I couldn’t.

…Never imagining that betrayal would come from them.

Where did things go wrong this time?

Thanks to being compared to me, he grew.

He always glared at me with resentment and hatred as his rival.

Yet, he never gave up on facing me.

So, back then, I thought my role was to endure as his competitor and trial.

…That’s what I believed.

Until one day, he simply stopped opposing me.

I thought it was just a temporary phase.

But before I knew it, months passed dealing with various matters.

And when I finally looked again, something had changed.

No. Much earlier… Yes. When he was bullied and humiliated… That was the biggest issue.

Since it happened during my absence, it took some time to uncover the full story.

Still, we all trusted his abilities back then.

…It took far too long to realize it was all a misconception.

During that delay…

The situation worsened.

But for Carriel, it became another opportunity for growth, motivation, and justification for his struggles.

Yes.

…This is what we know as Heaven’s and Lord’s guidance.

Even our seemingly foolish efforts were guided by an invisible, irresistible hand.

What we thought were the best judgments at the time were, in fact, a series of hazy and foolish decisions.

I only realized this vaguely afterward.

What was truly the problem?

Without dismissing these questions, I continued to delve deeper.

The will of the world, under the names of destiny and fate, was forcing us into roles they desired.

…I think I understood around that time.

Though it was much too late.

Back then, I was just an incapable girl destined to inherit half the world.

Yes. That was my situation.

Even though the world and gods expected it, how could someone like me possibly handle it?

Even discovering what I did felt miraculous. So, what changes next?

Knowing only made me feel more frustrated and desperate.

…

Still.

I won’t give up.

Because that’s what I learned from Mother and Your Highness.

And from others too.

No matter what adversities come, don’t abandon what you want to do. Don’t retreat.

Your enemies and fears will always be within you.

They have always been beside me.

…

Carriel.

Though I lacked skill, saying this might just annoy you…

Still, just in case, after graduation, you might join the knights…

So, I tried making the uniform of the knight squadron you’d belong to with my clumsy hands.

At first, I had to learn, but as I stitched stitch by stitch, I eventually got the hang of it.

And besides that… Yeah, there was something else too.

Ah, what was it?

Oh, right. In case you didn’t become a knight but instead followed your previous talk of becoming a scribe, I prepared for that too…

Considering how taxing palace life could be, I also thought about external jobs or merchant activities.

Or maybe you’d seek other adventures suitable for you.

Taking all that into account… I prepared quite a lot, it seems.

…Now I can’t remember.

Emotions were all I offered, but emotions significantly influenced the recollection of memories.

I offered love for you.

Now, it seems that isn’t enough anymore.

So, I decided to offer a little more.

One by one.

Before I knew it, the basket that used to be full became completely empty.

My emotions.

All my emotions.

Fear, resentment, anxiety, despair, joy, fulfillment…

Nothing.

Certainly, the Demon King who brought you into this world, I should have killed without hesitation.

Now, looking back, I calmly think that was the best choice.

Back then, he was probably your only ally.

Even if he intended to use you for his own purposes.

You were likely helplessly drawn to his faint interest, affection, and the small hope he provided.

…But even this was part of the unknown will of the world.

As soon as I resolved to embrace you, look what happened. You were urgently pushed outside the system.

If they let me alone, why intervene so harshly now that I want to hold you?

Clearly, the world and heavens wish to separate us.

Thus, I bitterly cursed the world, heavens, and Lord.

But now, even that resentment has vanished.

All that remains now is duty, responsibility, and obligation.

And the vows and aspirations past me entrusted to present me.

If I lose even these…

I won’t be able to move or think anymore.

Yeah. Just remembered.

Hermine was a liar.

She threatened to take over my body, frightening me,

But it wasn’t true.

I believed it was a possibility.

Ironically, her threats were what drove me to act desperately.

Really, she didn’t understand me at all.

For you, or for the world, if the intention wasn’t evil, I would have readily given up this body.

…

Who have I been talking to all this time?

In the middle of this desert, what can I possibly do?

All that remains is pain.

It’s incredibly exhausting to bear this burden.

For some reason, I can’t let go easily.

“Ahhh…”

Suddenly,

A scene I thought I had forgotten appeared before my eyes.

It looked like a mirage created by the desert.

A hill.

A large tree.

Green grasslands.

It feels nostalgic.

Clumsy and vague, but still…

“Then does that mean I can’t be a hero?”

There,

The younger version of me, looking extremely youthful, asked the boy with a melancholic expression.

That’s why,

The boy handed over the stick he was holding and said,

“I’ll give you this.”

“…?”

The next words.

The words you gave me.

Yeah, I remember now.

That was another salvation for me.

“Now you’re a hero too!”

…Carriel.

Yeah, I wanted to be a hero who saves everyone.

But the world with heroes is a world steeped in sorrow.

I had forgotten this.

As time went by, I began to pursue a world without heroes rather than one with them.

However,

Even so,

“Now you’re a hero too!”

Your words meant so much to me…

“…”

The overwhelming pain and hardship pressing down on my body,

It’s only temporary.

No. Let’s change tactics.

Being overly fixated on survival was a mistake.

Thinking about it now, I’m not cut out to bear this.

So, let’s try a different approach.

Even if the time left is short.

‘This is a bet with fate.’

Can I keep running until the very end?

Can I reach the finish line?

‘This is a gamble.’

Yeah. Let’s do it.

A match against fate.

…Sounds fun.

Until this colorless body collapses meaninglessly,

If I can prevent the curse I carry from being passed on to them,

And if I can save Carriel, who needs my help,

That will be my victory.

‘Accept the challenge.’

Fate and destiny.

Just as I saw you,

Now it’s your turn to look at me closely.

What I desire is nothing grand or extraordinary.

Only my satisfaction remains.

Even the oaths that are now fading and blurred,

That’s enough.

Other things… Yeah, if the chance comes, I’ll worry about them later.

I don’t know exactly.

…When the time comes, things will work out somehow.

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