Chapter 178

The shock was brief. It was certainly true that I was surprised, but I didn’t experience as much shock as I expected. After the initial surprise, I calmly accepted it with a thought of, “Ah, I see.” Even though it was a past I could never have imagined or understood.

Ham Yejin fell silent for a moment. It was clear she was struggling to continue speaking.

“I don’t really know why I tried to have and raise that child. The child didn’t even know who the father was, and I didn’t have any particular affection for it. I didn’t even make an effort to find out who the father was. Considering the timing, I could narrow it down to two or three people, but I didn’t bother to think about it.”

It was evident that her claim of having no affection was true. Logically, if she had formed any attachment towards the child, she wouldn’t have been able to avoid searching for the father’s identity.

“Three months passed, and my morning sickness became severe, and it wasn’t long before my family found out. My behavior had been reckless from the start, so they had their suspicions, but what was decisive was my carelessness. I was caught while I was on the phone with a friend.”

Now, it felt like an unlikely story for the current Ham Yejin. I was almost doubtful that she was the subject of the tale I was hearing. However, it was too serious a situation for me to let out a hollow laugh, and her face proved that what she said was no lie.

“They told me to get rid of it.”

“So, did you?”

“Yes, I did. I resisted at first, but in the end, that’s what happened.”

“Why did you resist?”

“You don’t ask why I got rid of it, do you?”

“Because you mentioned having no affection.”

“Well… it seems it was just out of rebellion against my parents. Maybe affection sprouted a bit in the meantime, but even if that were the case, it was just futile maternal instinct.”

Ham Yejin lowered her head.

“I left home. And went to my friends. Reality was cruel.”

“….”

“I was no longer a rich man’s daughter, and I was carrying a child. It was just a headache. Perhaps out of a bit of pity, they let me stay for a few days, but after that… they told me to sell my body.”

This time, I couldn’t avoid the shock. I knew that kind of thing could happen, but hearing about it in reality struck with a completely different intensity. To be precise, it was the fact that someone I knew had experienced such a thing.

“I rebelled, saying I couldn’t do that because of the child. They said it was fine after 12 weeks. Even though I had lived carelessly with my body, I was asked if I really found it repulsive to sell it. And they were right. It’s ridiculous to cover the floor that a rag should clean.”

An intense self-loathing emanated from Ham Yejin. Beyond hatred, she almost despised herself. I remembered her home. That desolate, cold place that didn’t seem to be inhabited by anyone might have been a reflection of her state.

“I ran away and, after a few days of sleeping outside, eventually returned home. I succumbed to reality. A fool who had lived without worry all his life was now homeless, starving, and shivering from the cold. Thankfully, it was only for a few days, but if I had stubbornly held on, who knows what might have happened. I wasn’t strong enough to endure that sort of thing.”

And so I did.

“…get an abortion.”

Ham Yejin’s story about her past ended there. This was the whole story of the abortion she had chosen. Every bit of it was Ham Yejin’s fault, and it was her story to take responsibility for. However, in the end, she ran away and abandoned her responsibility. That was all there was to it.

I didn’t judge. I didn’t blame. I didn’t get angry, nor did I comfort her. I did nothing.

“…You don’t blame me?”

“Why should I?”

“Because it’s an embarrassing story. It’s disgusting, isn’t it? How repulsive a human I am, how nauseating.”

I didn’t answer.

“Perhaps I had a maternal instinct. But in the end, I chose to abandon it and prioritize my own well-being. That’s all it was, just that.”

I wanted to die.

“The child, whose name I couldn’t even give and whose gender I didn’t know, kept appearing in my dreams. A child that wasn’t even born, came to me in my dreams. I don’t even know what that child looks like.”

It should have died.

“I wished that child could curse me freely. Blame me, insult me, ask why I killed it. It would have been better if that had happened. But the child said nothing. It just… stared at me with piercing eyes.”

Do you understand?

“That was torment. A consequence of my choice, something I rightfully deserved. Yet it was the most terrifying torment in the world.”

I don’t know.

“Why did it look at me like that? What was it thinking?”

Ham Yejin was no longer speaking to me. What she was gazing at was already the child she had aborted.

And I was not that child.

“…I’m sorry. I got a little worked up.”

“Yes.”

I couldn’t bring myself to say I understood. In truth, I couldn’t understand at all.

It seemed that Ham Yejin’s long digression had come to an end here. I had no interest in her feelings after choosing the abortion. I couldn’t tell her to sacrifice for the child. But if that were the case,

she shouldn’t have conceived it in the first place.

Ironically, I even found myself thinking of my own mother. Did my mother suffer like this after abandoning me? Did she regret it so much? How absurd. It’s not even funny.

Still, you are better than my mother.

You know this isn’t a compliment.

“Was everything you said about past TS patients a lie?”

“That much is completely true. Their stories, and the fact that I felt guilt.”

“But there were things you left unsaid about me.”

Ham Yejin hesitated when she said this, unlike before. She was stumbling over her words, unable to continue. I didn’t know why. I didn’t want to know. Honestly, I hoped she would deny it.

“…Yes, I was overlapping you with the child I killed.”

“I wished that statement was a lie.”

“I’m sorry.”

Ham Yejin couldn’t look up at me. I… didn’t know. No tears came. However, ruminating on the betrayal I had felt once wasn’t a very healthy thing to do.

“Why… why was it me, of all people? What about the other patients?”

“Well, I’m terribly irresponsible, but I don’t know. If the child had lived, would it have grown up to be someone like you? Or would it be because of your unfortunate past? Might I think I could atone for my sins by compensating you? I never thought that way with the previous patients. At least with you, everything was different, and they had families.”

“Was it because I had no family that it seemed easier?”

The words slipped out sharper than I intended. But even if time rewound, I would have said the same. I was fine with it. It was allowed.

“That might be the case.”

“I wish you had denied it.”

I truly felt that way. Even if that denial were a lie, it was something I wished for.

“Do you remember the words I said while fighting with Muk Ha-neul that day and the words I shared with you?”

“I don’t remember.”

“I won’t repeat them. They were all excuses. My true feelings are probably all that I’ve said today.”

Don’t say all. It’s not over yet. It’s not all. I haven’t finished yet.

“Did you give Jun-ho to me only because you saw me as overlapping with your child? Was calling me a friend a lie?”

“It’s not all. It wasn’t a lie, but…”

Why do you have to add ‘but’? I wanted to get angry. “But” made it seem impossible in the end.

“You probably wouldn’t remember that I disliked tomatoes and cucumbers. I doubt you would have purposefully picked an expensive hat when choosing one. After all, this house was going to be empty anyway, so letting me live here was probably just that. You likely visited often because it was work. But you wouldn’t have hidden the truth. You wouldn’t have lied that it was a gift from the National Intelligence Service.”

Those things were just so, so trivial,

“When you said it would be broadcasted, rather than respecting your opinion, I’m sure you just stopped me. We probably didn’t hang out much anyway. When you were sick, you must have hugged me and brought me to your home. You likely helped me, and you could have let me stay for a few days. You probably comforted me, but we wouldn’t have watched movies together. You wouldn’t have suggested going shopping for clothes. You wouldn’t have fought with Muk Ha-neul or hidden the fact that Muk Ha-neul spread the pictures. When lending the house to Han-bom, you probably wouldn’t have consulted me.”

They were all incredibly petty things.

Even if all of that had actually happened, nothing would change. Really, nothing changed. Everything was the same. Just trivial things. They were so small and meaningless.

Yet,

“You probably didn’t set the password for this house to 1224.”

That was likely the day the child came to me. That day was the most probable day.

Christmas Eve.

“And mothers can also be friends with their daughters.”

Why do I feel this pain?

Ham Yejin was a woman like the sun. Thanks to her, I could be warmed, but we got too close. When the snow melts, I would no longer be Seol-guk. Perhaps that was what she wanted.

Yeah.

Indeed, Ham Yejin was not a woman to me.