Chapter 176

A long story flowed out of my mouth. I didn’t start with the intention of saying everything from the beginning. But as I spoke, for some reason, more words kept coming to me—words I wanted to say, words I felt I had to say. As I continued speaking, the story just kept growing and growing.

I hid important things, but in any case, I was able to reveal everything about Muk Ha-neul and Ham Yejin. In the process, I seemed to have said things I shouldn’t have.

Seo Eun-a, who had heard all the stories, maintained a stiff expression for a moment before speaking.

“Crazy bitches, this is.”

Seo Eun-a was outraged, without any filter on her expression. Or was it always like that?

“Um, I think you’re not fully aware of the situation right now. Muk Ha-neul! Do you know what that woman has done?”

“…Betrayal?”

“Yes! It’s betrayal, but there’s something more important! Gaslighting! Do you not understand gaslighting?!”

I know what it is. It’s the act of manipulating someone’s psychology or situation to dominate them. It usually happens to people with weakened autonomy and fragile hearts. Though it may not be classified as a crime, it is certainly a malicious act.

But that wasn’t it. I chose to do all of this by my own will. Trusting Muk Ha-neul and choosing her was ultimately my doing…

“Please, look at reality.”

Seo Eun-a cut off my words, my thoughts. Reality? I had always been in reality.

“…Are you saying I’m even in a dream?”

“More than that. You’re in a delusion where you’re wrapping yourself in the tragedy of feeling sorry for yourself and trying to remain a perpetual victim.”

…What? For a moment, I was taken aback by words I hadn’t even considered. But Seo Eun-a’s words didn’t end there.

“You, no. I’ll call you by your name. Seol-guk oppa. I think the life you’ve lived is genuinely a tragedy. You’re a victim, too. I’m not denying that. But that doesn’t mean a person should remain a victim in tragedy forever. Even protagonists of tragedy rebel at times!”

“…I-I have tried hard to live, you know…”

Why am I saying this? How much harder am I supposed to work?

“I’m not denying that. It hurts, it’s sad. It must be tough. You were backstabbed by a junior you trusted, and the friend you believed in was not a friend at all. It’s not strange that you’re hurting and struggling. That’s not what I’m saying.”

“Then why are you talking to me like this…?”

Why are you blaming me?

“It’s not your fault, oppa.”

“My fault… not true?”

“It’s not your fault. So why do you keep saying it is?”

“I never said it was my fault.”

Right now, you’re the one blaming me.

“Then why were you pitifully writing about your woes all alone, calling yourself a parasite and whatnot?”

“…Did I really say that?”

“Yes, you did. You cried twice while you were talking, and you even brought up things no one asked about. What we had was not even a conversation. You were just suffering alone. Alone, constantly suffering.”

Without giving me a thought.

…Was it like that?

“…That’s not my fault.”

“Then don’t self-harm like that.”

“I’m not self-harming.”

Wasn’t I?

“Then stop doing that alone. When you’re alone, that’s how people become. Call someone to be with you. Unload your thoughts and receive comfort. Curse those damned bitches, get angry! Cry, hug! Just do that.”

“It’s not that easy!”

“And that’s why I’m here like this.”

…Ah, I see.

“…I’m comforting you. I’m getting angry with you. I can also feel sad with you. I can cry with you.”

It’s not your fault, oppa. So don’t suffer alone like that.

“Originally, this isn’t my role. Hwa-won oppa or Han-bom auntie would be better….”

Seo Eun-a’s story seemed idealistic. What happened to me wasn’t something that could be solved or cured to such an extent. Saying things like that to someone who is suffering might even have a negative effect. It sounded just like a shiny rotten fruit.

She was still young, just saying whatever came to mind.

But, but,

Although it was clumsy and awkward beyond measure,

I could tell that she, Seo Eun-a, was trying to comfort me in some way.

“You can’t leave someone like oppa alone. If left alone, he’ll keep thinking bad thoughts.”

That might be true. But I had always been alone. I didn’t know how to be together.

“…Then what should I do?”

“First, you need to find someone to be with.”

“Who?”

“That’s… I don’t think it’s a problem I can help with.”

But they probably wouldn’t be too far away.

It seemed like Seo Eun-a wanted to hide something at the end, but I couldn’t understand it.

Perhaps, according to Seo Eun-a, that might be the answer. But I had already chosen the wrong answers twice. Muk Ha-neul and Ham Yejin.

“Then it’s simple. If you erase those two wrong answers from the answer sheet, one of the remaining ones is definitely the correct one.”

“Is it really like that?”

“It is.”

Perhaps it might be so.

“And learn how to be together. If the other person doesn’t know, learn together.”

…Is that what I need?

“And don’t say silly things like you handed yourself over to protect the man you were.”

“Huh? Silly things?”

“There are two answers, and I’ll tell you both.”

I didn’t understand what she meant by two answers at all, but Seo Eun-a continued without caring.

“You are not a man.”

Seo Eun-a took a breath.

“And you’re not a woman either.”

Does that mean I belong to neither side?

“It doesn’t mean you’re an outsider. You’re just Seol-guk. Just like I’m me.”

But now I’m not me.

“Ah, I see. I’ve changed. I’ve gotten small and cute like this.”

“W-what do you mean?”

“So what? People change naturally. I was a nice and cute kid in my childhood.”

“…So you know you’re not very cute now.”

“Now, I’m just a nice and pretty college student. Anyway, aside from minor differences, everyone changes. It’s just that yours was a bit bigger.”

Could it be? Is this normal?

“Whether it’s ordinary or not, what does it matter? There’s no one in this world who is completely ordinary. So, I’ve changed a bit, but it doesn’t mean everything has changed.”

It was definitely soothing to hear that, just words that sounded nice. It was probably something crafted in her own way to comfort me.

“You’re still Seol-guk.”

That might be so.

“And this is the second answer. If you’ve handed over yourself and your insides are empty…”

Even if it’s empty,

“Fill it up anew. Create something. The self that has been handed over is not everything.”

You won’t be empty for your whole life, right?

Yeah.

“That might be true.”

Yes.

Maybe I could fill something within me.

“First, block that woman Muk Ha-neul, and I think you should at least listen to what someone named Ham Yejin has to say.”

“…Is that okay?”

Can I really do that?

“No matter the reason, seeing someone as a substitute for another is the worst. But ultimately, that’s what that woman Muk Ha-neul did. Have you heard directly from her? You don’t even know what circumstances she was under?”

…That was true.

At that time, I was too shocked to properly hear anything. In that state, I chose Muk Ha-neul, and Ham Yejin simply left my house.

“I’m not trying to defend that person. But I don’t know why she had an abortion, and whether everything she said till now was a lie. You can’t judge until you hear it directly. You didn’t make a judgment on your own from the start, did you?”

Yeah.

In the end, that story wasn’t something I decided on my own.

I had merely accepted Muk Ha-neul’s judgment.

Perhaps I have committed some great wrongdoing to Ham Yejin. If all of this is a misunderstanding.

“Should I call her directly…?”

“While that person might call you, I want to urge you to make the call yourself.”

“Why?”

“Because waiting won’t catch anything.”

It was extremely true.

I thought Seo Eun-a was still a child. But before I knew it, she seemed to have matured more than I had. They say kids grow up quickly when you don’t see them for just a little while, and that seemed to be true for Seo Eun-a.

There were still many clumsiness and awkwardness, but Seo Eun-a was trying for me.

…Thank you.

“Okay, I’ll make the call.”

“Right now?”

“…After taking a break.”

“Alright.”

We sprawled out together on the sofa like that.

“I said too much.”

“Thanks to you, though.”

“I might have some talent for this kind of thing. Should I become a counselor?”

“Do you think it’s easy?”

“I’ll change my major to psychology, then.”

“Then did I prevent your withdrawal?”

“Maybe.”

“I should get a stipend from your father.”

“It’s okay since it’s not my money.”

Just then, a rumbling sound came from my stomach. I spoke first to hide my embarrassment.

“…I’m hungry.”

“Of course, since you only had breakfast yesterday and didn’t eat anything else.”

“Did I even say that?”

“I can tell just by looking.”

“…Do you want jajangmyeon?”

“I want jjamppong. And order sweet and sour pork too. You pay, oppa.”

“Okay, I’ll pay.”

That much, surely, just for today, I could buy as much as I wanted.