Chapter 174

That day, I did nothing, and another meaningless day passed just like that.

The next day, something strange happened. I woke up to find that my period had stopped completely. There had been a strange occurrence the day before, when I had a fever a day earlier than I should have started my period.

The next day, my period began, and it had still been there up until yesterday. But today, suddenly, it had stopped as if it were a ghost.

It was incomprehensible, but for me, it wasn’t a bad thing that my period had stopped. I still felt “a bit” anxious mentally, but thanks to that, I seemed to be in a better state than yesterday.

I looked at my phone, but there was no message from Ham Yejin. Muk Ha-neul was rambling about various things, and Hwa-won had told me not to answer any calls until my period was over, so I wouldn’t be picking up calls this week.

What should I do?

What did I usually do at this time? I must’ve been doing something. If I wanted to write, I could write the story of Se-ne. I hadn’t even finished the game I was playing before, so I could play that as much as I wanted. I could also read novels or comics on my phone, or watch animations, movies, or dramas through OTT services.

I could call Han-bom or go to her house to kill time, and I could find something to do, no matter what.

There were endless possibilities for what I could do. It was a convenient world.

And yet, in that convenient world, I felt like I couldn’t do anything.

My mental state was stable. But I felt lethargic. It was as if my soul had been taken away, and I had no motivation at all. How foolish. I had said that I entrusted myself to Muk Ha-neul, but it was probably just a metaphorical expression.

I felt as if I had truly lost my soul.

I hadn’t done anything yesterday, and I hadn’t done anything today either. I felt like a puppet that had no choice but to remain still. Not a stuffed doll, but a marionette? No one was around to control me. I needed someone.

I wasn’t the child who could play with Ham Yejin’s stuffed doll. But now, it seemed like I had become a being that couldn’t do anything on my own. In the end, the competition between Muk Ha-neul and Ham Yejin must have ended with Muk Ha-neul’s victory.

Actually, I felt like there wasn’t even a need for Muk Ha-neul. It could have been anyone. Someone, please control me, I beg you. Let me do something. Let me move. Let me breathe. Let me live.

…Let me live?

Is there a need to live? Does it have any meaning?

I don’t know.

I was betrayed by the two people I had believed in. Ham Yejin didn’t see me as myself. Muk Ha-neul took my sense of self away.

Now, I must love Muk Ha-neul. It wasn’t really due to my own will. It was just that there was nothing else remaining. Muk Ha-neul had simply erased all other choices.

Surely, thanks to the butterfly effect from the photos that Muk Ha-neul spread, I didn’t commit suicide. But as a result, right now… I didn’t feel like I was alive. Was this also what you wanted?

But yeah, there was no need to commit suicide. I wasn’t in a state of being alive anyway.

Still, to say I was dead would be premature; my heart was still beating. Thump, thump, tick-tock.

It meant nothing. Living or dying. Right now, I was just existing.

Was this what you wanted from me?

Hahaha.

I laughed. I laughed at this pathetic black comedy. I had no choice. And now, I had no options left. It was only Muk Ha-neul. Yeah, I’ll love you. But I don’t even know if this is real love. I’m no longer alive, can I really call this love?

You had me, and because of you, I became an empty shell.

Inside the empty shell girl, there was nothing. Just waiting for someone to fill it.

What would fit inside? What was needed? No one knew.

No matter what was put in, I would just spit it all out.

The empty shell girl needed nothing.

I hummed a song made up on the spot. The rhythm and melody were a mess.

It was closer to a recitation than a song. If I were to evaluate it… the worst, a zero.

It was hopelessly bad. Do better.

But did someone want to become an empty shell themselves?

In this world, that was just an exceedingly ordinary thing. Becoming an empty shell by one’s own choice.

Yeah, well, does it matter? It could be so, right? It’s none of my business anyway.

That being said, a fetus isn’t a person, is it? Right? It’s always been that way.

In a world where even people aren’t people, an unborn fetus is nothing to speak of.

A parasite, a parasite.

What host would like a parasite that eats its own body? This parasite even swells up, you know?

Of course not.

My mother felt the same. She said that someone like me was a parasite. She thought she would do well if I weren’t around.

So, are you living well now that you’ve discarded the parasite? I don’t really care.

But it’s strange. Why did you successfully remove the parasite before it was born, and then look for a new one? Did you want something to fill the void? Were you feeling empty after getting rid of the old one?

Did you want to cradle a new parasite? Didn’t you like the previous one?

I don’t know anything. I don’t know what circumstances or feelings Ham Yejin had when she terminated the pregnancy.

But I don’t think I need to know.

To her, I wasn’t me.

If I’m not me, then what should I be?

Ah, the truth that I was just me has long since vanished, hasn’t it?

I was no longer me. But that doesn’t mean your child was any more “you.”

I believed you were my friend.

You thought I was the substitute for the parasite you crushed. Was I the parasite that failed to be aborted?

Was all the guilt about the previous patients just a lie? Did you feel guilty for crushing something and then feel that guilt towards the parasite?

I… don’t know.

I don’t even want to know anymore.

I was mentally extremely stable. But surely…

I felt “a bit” anxious.

And just then, my phone rang.

Like always, the only truth that remained was one.

Time passes.

I checked the name. It wasn’t Ham Yejin. You never really know how to pick your moments, do you, Seo Eun-a?

That aside, this one really… has no sense of timing.

There was no way you would call at a time like this. Frankly, I don’t even know why you would suddenly call.

[Hello?]

[Why does your voice sound like a dead fish?]

You’re still getting your greetings out of the way first, Seo Eun-a.

~

[Just some things happened.]

[Are you on your period?]

You crazy girl. No, it did happen until yesterday, so it’s not an incorrect statement.

[It’s over.]

[From the sound of your voice, it doesn’t seem like it’s over yet.]

[Does my voice sound that strange?]

As I thought about it, I felt normal now. Both physically and mentally. Just “a bit” anxious.

What am I anxious about?

[Your voice sounds like that of a fish that’s been dead for about 30 years.]

[That metaphor is strange.]

If it had been dead for 30 years, usually there wouldn’t be anything left.

[You sound like you’re sick or something, but that’s not my problem.]

[Did you call to pick a fight?]

[No, no, that’s not it. I just have a favor to ask.]

[…What favor?]

[I ran away from home, could you let me stay with you for a few days?]

You crazy girl, really,

~

“Do you think this is a guest room or something?”

“What does it matter? Seo Jae-ah got to stay, but I can’t?”

I didn’t really care about the name anymore at this point. But I was curious about what Professor Seo had said that made his kids come running here one after the other. Isn’t the eldest one going to show up next, even though I don’t even know her face?

“So what’s the deal with running away? Did you get caught dressing as a boy or something?”

“Do you think I’m Seo Jae-ah?”

No, she isn’t.

“Then did you get caught writing adult novels?”

Honestly, that seemed like a possibility.

“Ugh, it’s called an erotic novel.”

“Adult novel.”

“I can’t just slap you for that.”

“Climbing up the wall.”

Fortunately, Seo Eun-a was still cheeky. It seemed that her personality hadn’t died, so there probably wasn’t anything particularly bad happening.

Then again, it didn’t seem to be about what I was worried about; should I just kick her out?

Even if she got caught writing adult novels, Professor Seo wouldn’t have disciplined her since she’s a girl. Moreover, that man truly cherished her.

Then why did she run away?

“It’s nothing special, just that I said I was dropping out, and there was a bit of a fight.”

“You said you’re dropping out? You went there to drop out?”

Even so, messing up two questions on the exam wasn’t enough to warrant dropping out. While it wasn’t to the level of having unlimited access to all subjects, she had scores that could get her into nearly any school she wanted. Seo Eun-a could easily enroll in a prestigious university that everyone knew about. Of course, considering how hard she must have studied for the college entrance exam, I couldn’t say it was a bloodless conquest.

But to drop out of a school she worked so hard to get into? Why on earth?

“Why are you dropping out? What are your plans afterward?”

“I don’t have any.”

“…What?”

“I said, I have no plans. I don’t want to talk about the reasons.”

“Did you get caught writing adult novels at school?”

I asked in a serious tone.

“No, damn it, there’s no way that could happen! Do you think I’m Seo Jae-ah?”

“Then are you being bullied?”

“Are you seriously thinking I’m Seo Jae-ah?”

What in the world does she think of her own brother?

“I heard someone say you weren’t adapting well.”

“…Who said that?”

“Your father.”

“Damn. Seriously.”

Seo Eun-a made a rare grimacing face. It seemed that this was indeed the answer. Soon, she sighed.

“It’s just that the major doesn’t suit me.”

It was a more ordinary reason than I expected.

“That does happen sometimes. Was it the Economics department?”

“How could you mistake the Veterinary Science department for the Economics department?”

“Humans are inherently creatures who make mistakes.”

“If that’s the case, then a veterinarian can take care of you.”

Seo Eun-a threw a sarcastic remark.

“Do you have to drop out? Can’t you transfer to another department? How about transferring to another school?”

“I’m just sick of the whole university life and I can’t stand it anymore.”

“Yeah, then.”

There was nothing I could do, then.

“…Aren’t you going to stop me?”

“It’s your life.”

“That’s a nice thing to say, for a fish’s eyeball.”

Did something traumatic happen while dissecting fish in the Veterinary Science department? Why does she keep using fish as a metaphor?

“Did you dissect fish there or something?”

“There’s no way that could happen. It’s not like it’s a sashimi restaurant.”

“Then why does your analogy keep looking like that since earlier?”

“Look at your current state.”

“Me?”

I seemed fine. At least, I didn’t look like a fish.

“Right now, your eyes look like those of a fish that’s been dead for 30 years.”

“If it’s been dead for 30 years, it should have rotten to the point of having nothing left.”

Seo Eun-a said.

“That’s exactly it.”

There was nothing at all.