Chapter 173

They were fighting, raising their voices about something. But I couldn’t hear what they were saying. Soon, Ham Yejin grabbed me and tried to talk about something, but again, I couldn’t hear. I had no idea what was being said. However, that touch felt a little unsettling now.

As I stayed silent, Ham Yejin’s face twisted while Muk Ha-neul wore a typical smile.

Soon, Muk Ha-neul opened her mouth. Until now, everything had felt like a silent film, but her words were the first to reach me with sound.

“Senior, you choose. Will you come to me? Or will you stay with Ham Yejin?”

I did not choose.

I just walked.

I did not choose Muk Ha-neul. She was just there before me.

I broke free from the grasp of Ham Yejin. Her expression distorted severely. She looked like she could burst into tears at any moment. I turned my head away. I didn’t want to see it. No matter what.

It was a face I had never seen before. Ham Yejin, with the unfamiliar expression, gathered her bag and walked away. She walked away and disappeared from my house, no longer visible.

“She has gone.”

And then the world returned to sound.

“Muk Ha-neul.”

“Yes, senior.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“And I hate you.”

“That’s something.”

“I hate you.”

“How romantic.”

The truth was utterly useless.

It was the most unnecessary value in the world. I didn’t want to know. But I didn’t want to not know either.

Pain accompanies growth. The pain that cannot kill me only makes me stronger.

It was all a lie.

I had not grown at all.

I had not changed at all.

Nothing had changed, and everything was a mess.

I was just a painful existence. So painful that I couldn’t see anything. I couldn’t hear anything. I was nothing.

“Are you in a lot of pain?”

“Nothing at all.”

That was our first day.

~

I asked Muk Ha-neul to go back today, but she flatly refused.

“It’d be awkward to say that to my girlfriend from the first day.”

Right, you’re my girlfriend now. Then am I your boyfriend? It was ridiculously amusing. It felt like watching a bad comedy. I didn’t ask. Any answer I got would seem terrible.

I was looking at my phone while Muk Ha-neul chatted beside me. Anyone would do. Anyone was fine. I wanted to talk. I wanted to speak and cry. I wanted to open up. Anyone, as long as it wasn’t Muk Ha-neul or Ham Yejin.

But I couldn’t possibly make a call with Muk Ha-neul sitting right next to me. I had even told Hwa-won not to answer my calls. For about three to four days during my period.

If both Muk Ha-neul and Ham Yejin weren’t an option, who should I call?

I felt anew my painfully narrow human relationships. Seo Eun-a? What was I supposed to do, drag a newly-minted college student into this? Park Chan-wook? Honestly, we weren’t that close.

The last person I thought of was Han-bom.

If it was Han-bom, she would cry with me. She might not share the pain, but she would try to help me. I would have no choice but to accept that help. But Han-bom was a fervent fan of Muk Ha-neul. I had no idea how to explain this to someone like Han-bom.

So I isolated myself. I was alone, no, I was two. With Muk Ha-neul.

The lively Muk Ha-neul suddenly fell silent. Then she changed her tone and spoke to me again.

“Is this side better for you?”

“…You.”

“Finally, you’re looking this way.”

I could never forget this sight. It was the Muk Ha-neul from that time when I liked her and didn’t know I might fall in love. The quiet, demure, pure-hearted Muk Ha-neul, a kind fool.

This was cowardly. It was such a cowardly act that I couldn’t confront it fairly.

Muk Ha-neul hugged me tightly once more. I had no choice but to meet her gaze.

Night fell, and I put on a new pad to prepare for bed. It wasn’t stuck on, I wore it. Though it was called a pad, it was nearly the same as a diaper. There had been times I felt embarrassed about using something like this, but because the one from before absorbed poorly, it was an unavoidable choice.

Moreover, Muk Ha-neul was going to sleep beside me, which made it even more important. If I leaked, it wouldn’t just be a problem for me. I put on pajamas over the pad and lay down on the bed.

Muk Ha-neul lay down to my right. We settled down to sleep in the same bed. There was nothing strange about it at all. Given our bodies and the fact that we were two women, nothing could happen.

“You’re not showing your face.”

“…It’s dark, I can’t see.”

I was facing the wall, my back to Muk Ha-neul. I closed my eyes, but sleep wouldn’t come. Muk Ha-neul spoke.

“Shall I sing you a lullaby?”

I didn’t answer.

Muk Ha-neul probably didn’t expect a response. She started singing a lullaby.

“Sleep well, my dear, in the front yard and back hill~”

…It was a lullaby I had never heard in my life. While teachers at the orphanage sometimes sang lullabies, that song was never one of them. We weren’t their babies, after all.

Muk Ha-neul’s sweet voice continued the lullaby. But I ultimately couldn’t fall asleep, and at some point, her singing stopped. She had fallen asleep first, hugging me.

That sight resembled two overlapping fetuses.

But,

It felt like this child could not be born. That was how I felt.

~

The heat rising a day before my period was terrible, and the condition on the first day was the worst. It felt as if I was suffering all the pains I had to endure during my period at once. Whether that was true or not, starting from the second day, I felt much better, except for the horrible feelings between my legs.

The pad, which was no different from a diaper, fulfilled its duty without issue. Thank goodness.

I thought Muk Ha-neul would be lying next to me, but she was gone. When I went outside, I saw Muk Ha-neul busy making something in the kitchen.

“…What are you doing?”

“Ah, p-please wait a moment. I’ll prepare breakfast for you.”

“You can cook?”

“I’m learning from YouTube right now.”

…I didn’t really believe it, but I couldn’t stop her if she was trying her best. I made my way to the bathroom, leaving Muk Ha-neul working hard.

While I washed my body, remnants of not being able to become a child flowed from me.

Somehow, that felt like it resembled me.

I must be crazy.

Looking in the mirror, I still saw the small version of myself. I wanted to grow up. I didn’t want to stay small.

But for some reason, I felt like my reflection in the mirror was getting smaller and smaller. Shrinking until it would eventually disappear.

After I finished washing up, I went to the kitchen to find that Muk Ha-neul had completely prepared breakfast.

“It looks fine from the outside.”

“Perfect, right?”

There wasn’t anything particularly special about the food. It was just made with simple ingredients, honestly just sprinkling seasoning, frying, and sautéing. If I couldn’t even make this, it wouldn’t be just failure as a woman, but as a human being. Han-bom was right.

“I’ll eat well.”

Contrary to her pride in being perfect, Muk Ha-neul’s food… was a bit far from perfect. Honestly, it wasn’t very tasty. It was just tolerable, barely.

“How is it?”

“Just okay.”

“Ugh, I definitely followed the recipe.”

Ah, Yoon Sua could surely cook better than this. I had only eaten a bowl of porridge, but that porridge was incredibly delicious. Thinking about it, they must have stored the leftover porridge in the fridge.

“Wait.”

“Yes?”

“I think porridge would be better than rice.”

“Do we have porridge at home?”

I didn’t answer and pulled out a pot of porridge from the fridge. Maybe because Yoon Sua’s hands were big, there was quite a bit left. How many servings of rice did I make?

“Who made this?”

“Do you not think it was me?”

“You said men shouldn’t enter the kitchen.”

“True.”

I was a man. How ridiculous.

“Yoon Sua made it.”

“Oh, Sua is good at cooking. She probably has a few certificates too.”

“Why did she come to the creative writing department then?”

“She said she wouldn’t learn anything at the culinary department.”

While I was about to eat the food made by my girlfriend’s friend, Muk Ha-neul didn’t show any reaction. Instead, she served herself from the pot of porridge, though I had intended to save it.

“Mmm, it’s good.”

Seeing Muk Ha-neul’s happy face eating the porridge, it seemed she hadn’t had it a few times. Even so, she must have been using Yoon Sua.

Muk Ha-neul didn’t get jealous. She didn’t even loose her temper at Yoon Sua.

I couldn’t help but smile a little.

You’re strange.

This love isn’t normal.

I also ate the porridge. The taste was still fantastic.

~

My condition had gotten better, and Muk Ha-neul had a schedule, so eventually, she had to leave that afternoon. Before departing, Muk Ha-neul suggested going on a date next weekend. And then, I was left alone. In fact, it felt like I was always alone.

But now I was free. Freedom meant being unable to do anything. I sat on the sofa.

As soon as Muk Ha-neul disappeared, a happy smile came over my face. Then I wiped my eyes that wouldn’t shed tears and laughed like a madman. I tried to ignore the memories resurfacing.

I had been violated.

I had been the master of the world, but I was not anymore. The master of my world was now Muk Ha-neul, and she held my reins. I had become a docile lamb, like a cloud in the sky. There was no longer any self within me.

The master exposed the cruel truth, and in exchange, I momentarily lost my voice. In the meantime, I couldn’t understand what was exchanged. But that phrase still echoed in my ears.

Abortion.

Killing the child inside, murder, homicide.

I was the byproduct of a failed abortion. A child who had come too late for an abortion. And Ham Yejin’s child was perhaps a success story of an abortion.

What had Ham Yejin thought of me until now? Were her kindness, gentleness, and unfathomable goodwill all… the result of playing the role of a mother?

Ham Yejin had looked at me with guilt regarding the two patients she could not save. Was that a lie? Was it the guilt of having killed the child she could not save instead?

I thought of the dolls that filled Ham Yejin’s house. There were several dolls that would probably be liked by young children. I once thought they didn’t really suit Ham Yejin.

…Why was that?

Why was that?

Why did she kill her own child?

How could she do that?

It was her own child.

Then again, there was someone who whispered that she should have aborted her own child.

About 40 million abortions occur annually worldwide; perhaps Ham Yejin wasn’t such a peculiar case after all.

To discard her own unborn child is not such a special occurrence in today’s world.

It was exceedingly ordinary.