Chapter 172

“That’s strange.”

“What is strange?”

“Everything.”

“Is that so?”

“You are strange.”

“That’s true.”

Muk Ha-neul did not deny it. She readily acknowledged her obvious strangeness. It was strange. I was strange, this world was strange, and Muk Ha-neul was stranger still. And she was aware of it and accepted it.

“What on earth am I to you?”

What value do I have that you act this way? What have I given to Muk Ha-neul, what have I changed for her? What value is there in this that makes you torment me, that makes you love me this way?

“A senior is a senior.”

“I… I don’t understand why you’re doing this. I’m not someone that great, and I’m not a god either. I’m just a fool who can’t even flail around properly.”

“But that flailing was beautiful. We all like to see those who struggle desperately. It’s beautiful.”

That’s just pornography.

“You said you fell in love with me because of that shocking short story you read. But honestly, it wasn’t even a great piece! It was poorly rated, just a thing that expressed my feelings raw without any literary merit. I didn’t even consider developing it further; I just discarded it.”

“Yes, that’s true. It wasn’t such a great piece. Looking back now, you might think it was terrible. But from that raw emotion, I saw your inner self, and I became addicted to that inner self.”

“What does that even mean?”

What value is there in my rawness, in my nakedness? It has no value and doesn’t create any value; it’s just lines of text.

“The most primitive wish that you have, that Seol-guk possesses. The desire to crush those who love me but do not return that love, the longing to be happy, the wish to meet, the desire for revenge, the resentment to cry, and the hope to know. You actually want to meet your mother.”

…Not anymore. I gave up after seeing my mother’s letter. I discarded it. I am liberated. I was abandoned, and I abandoned her.

“That’s… strange. You said you were saved by trampling the sanctuary that is your mother!”

“I loved my mother too. But she must not have been my mother. She didn’t love me.”

“You rejected your mother, didn’t you?”

“Yes, I did. Coldly, I told her never to come back, to go away. I even reported her to the police and got a restraining order. Only then could I let go of my love for her. The method is completely different, but we’ve all been abandoned by our mothers. So, I abandoned her.”

“I… I did the same.”

I too, yes, I discarded her.

“That’s a lie.”

No.

“…”

But words wouldn’t come out.

“You couldn’t abandon your mother.”

“I did. I… I abandoned her after seeing the letter.”

Muk Ha-neul didn’t know the story about the letter. Only Hwa-won knew it. So, Muk Ha-neul wouldn’t have been prepared for any of this. But that was just my wish.

“Where is that letter now?”

“Hwa-won has it.”

“I see.”

Muk Ha-neul smiled. It seemed she was truly pleased.

“You couldn’t let go. You just entrusted those feelings to someone else temporarily.”

“…No.”

“Hwa-won took it first, didn’t he? That must have been nice for him. He no longer had to bear the burden. He didn’t have to discard it or possess it. It was the best choice.”

“…No.”

“Then, go to Hwa-won and ask him to return the letter, and throw it away. Burn it. Cut off the lingering attachments, finally abandon your mother and become independent.”

“…”

“You can’t do it, can you?”

I can’t do it. There is no… way. I couldn’t do it. In the end, I couldn’t bring myself to say so.

At this point, I think I was already crying. Quietly and silently, only tears covered my face. They were just flowing.

“Poor thing. Poor our senior. Don’t be sad.”

“What do you want from me…?”

It was so painful. Facing the truth hurt too much. You said you loved me. But why do you torment me like this? Love me. Don’t torment me. Wipe my tears, comfort me, apologize, and hug me.

“Don’t cry.”

“I won’t.”

But I was crying. My head was hot.

Muk Ha-neul stood up. Then she took my hand. She made me sit beside her. She sat back down. We faced each other.

Muk Ha-neul wiped my tears away. The tears that kept flowing disappeared into her hands.

“What do you want? What do you want by tormenting me like this?”

“Of course, it’s only one thing.”

I love you, senior.

“…Do you want an answer?”

“Yes.”

“Is that why you’re tormenting me? What do you think I will say?”

After making me cry like this, do you believe that I will accept you?

“I think you will accept me.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s obvious.”

Because I am your only chance.

“…Chance?”

The only chance that allows you to remain a man, the only option, the single, last conclusion.

“The only person you can choose to remain yourself.”

Someone you can never abandon, someone you cannot choose not to choose.

“Think carefully. Who was the only person you loved or did not love when you were a man? Who must you choose to preserve your own identity?”

I love you.

I will continue to love you.

“The word eternity is so fleeting, isn’t it? An unbelievable word. That’s why it’s more beautiful.”

“That’s all a lie….”

“Then I won’t say the word eternity. I’ll just say this.”

As long as I can love, I will love. As long as I am alive, and Seol-guk is alive, and I am me, and Seol-guk is Seol-guk, I will continue to love.

“If I… lose myself, does that mean I will no longer love?”

“Oh dear, really. You’re such a bothersome person. You don’t have to worry about that.”

“Why?”

How can I trust you?

“No matter what kind of person you become, Seol-guk will still be Seol-guk. Because the snow doesn’t melt, we call that place Seol-guk. So you will never lose yourself.”

From now on, your ‘self’ will belong to me.

“Just leave it to me. I will make sure you don’t lose yourself.”

Because I love you.

Because I love Seol-guk.

I could no longer shed tears.

The tears were shallow and held no meaning. I couldn’t say “I hate it” there. I couldn’t give up. I couldn’t abandon it. I gathered up the broken remnants of myself and tried to piece them together. Embracing my ragged self tightly, I hid it high above so as not to lose it again.

Ah, the sky is dark.

Tonight is a long night.

I said.

“Yes….”

I chose what little choice remained to me.

“I will love you.”

I grasped the only opportunity.

“I will try to love you.”

I chose the final conclusion.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Muk Ha-neul hugged me. I remained still. Then Muk Ha-neul pressed her lips to mine. We engaged in a long kiss, calling it a union.

Ah, the world is so…

Cruel.

And then, the doorbell rang.

~

No one thought to answer the intercom. No, they just didn’t. We were quietly exploring each other’s worlds, without grasping what it meant.

But there would be four knocks.

Beep beep beep beep.

1224.

Four numbers were pressed. The door opened, and at the sound, we stopped kissing and extricated ourselves from each other. A familiar character appeared.

“…What’s going on?”

There was Ham Yejin.

“Hello, Ham Yejin.”

In a way that wasn’t like her, Muk Ha-neul greeted her with a smile. Faced with my tear-streaked face and the smiling Muk Ha-neul, who looked truly happy in front of Ham Yejin, it seemed Ham Yejin realized that something was awry.

“What’s happening? Seol-guk, are you okay?”

“Senior is fine. By the way, I didn’t know you were such an inconsiderate person to just barge in.”

“I couldn’t reach you at all, so I thought I’d stop by just in case. What on earth happened?”

“It’s nothing much. Just a trivial thing that we’ve decided to become lovers starting today.”

Muk Ha-neul casually made the bombshell announcement. At her words, Ham Yejin frowned. She looked like she couldn’t comprehend such nonsense. However, upon seeing my face, she quickly hardened her expression and opened her mouth.

“Then why is Seol-guk crying?”

“Maybe he was moved?”

“Why aren’t you saying anything?”

“I guess he’s happy.”

There would be no point in continuing the conversation. Having realized that, Ham Yejin didn’t speak any further. She simply approached me, took my hand, and helped me to stand up. Surprisingly, Muk Ha-neul didn’t stop her. Ham Yejin led me away from Muk Ha-neul.

“Are you okay?”

“…Yes.”

“Is that story true?”

“It seems to be true.”

It’s “true,” not “it seems to be true.” But Ham Yejin’s expression still wasn’t bright.

“…You have a bit of a fever. You don’t look well. Should we go to the hospital?”

“It’s not that serious, is it?”

“I don’t know how you managed to talk a feverish patient into silence, but if you have a conscience, you should keep quiet.”

However, that didn’t follow.

Muk Ha-neul interrupted Ham Yejin’s words.

“Isn’t conscience something you should be concerned with first, Ham Yejin?”

“I think you’ve forgotten that I know all about what you have done.”

“Oh, that’s okay. I already know, senior does.”

“…Really?”

I nodded.

“Look here. I got slapped! It hurts a bit.”

“Why…?”

I couldn’t answer Ham Yejin’s question. Muk Ha-neul was laughing joyfully, as if she had become the happiest woman in the world.

Muk Ha-neul spoke to Ham Yejin.

“By the way, now that my secret is out, don’t you think I have no reason to keep quiet anymore?”

Ham Yejin visibly became flustered.

“What… are you saying?”

And Muk Ha-neul continued.

“Did you enjoy playing house, Ham Yejin?”

“How dare you…!”

Ham Yejin became enraged. But undeterred, Muk Ha-neul pressed on.

“I was really saddened when I found out. You can’t do that, can you? That shouldn’t be allowed.”

“What… do you mean?”

Playing house, what on earth does that mean?

“Senior is not your child.”

What?

“Seol-guk is not the child you aborted, the one who lost the chance to be born.”

The world became silent. Ham Yejin shouted something, but I could no longer hear it.

The only thing resonating in me was Muk Ha-neul’s last words.

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