Chapter 171

A comically loud sound erupted. It felt like I had struck with a force I didn’t know I possessed. At the moment of impact, Muk Ha-neul’s face turned away.

Muk Ha-neul’s cheek flushed a bright red. The state of my hand after hitting her wasn’t great either. To be honest, it hurt.

Soon, Muk Ha-neul turned her head back toward me and stared blankly.

I was surprised by her expression! There was no hint of the same emotion. Even though her face was so red, she didn’t show any sign of pain. All I could sense from Muk Ha-neul’s face was a simple feeling of curiosity, the uncertainty of it.

What should I say? It felt like she was slightly not human.

“What’s the matter?”

“You got slapped suddenly, and you’re neither angry nor surprised.”

“Oh, I was a bit surprised. But it didn’t really hurt that much.”

“Even though your cheek is so red?”

“I have somewhat sensitive skin. It hurt a bit, but not enough to show it.”

Is that so? That’s not very pleasant either.

“So what’s going on, suddenly?”

“…Yoon Sua.”

“Oh.”

The word that came out of Muk Ha-neul’s mouth was not a sigh. It didn’t feel like being caught! nor did it feel like a disaster! The meaning of Muk Ha-neul’s ‘oh’ was very simple. ‘Oh, I see.’ or ‘Ah-ha.’ It felt like she just understood.

“I thought it was about time. It’s been a while since the book was released. I’m glad you had the courage to do that to Sua.”

“Glad…?”

“It wasn’t something I thought I could get away with. Such a sloppy operation usually gets revealed quickly. I thought this day would come someday. I was a bit surprised to be slapped, though.”

“I don’t understand.”

Why are you so confident? Why aren’t you denying it? Why are you not angry?

You are strange.

“The kind Ham Yejin you mentioned already knows. She seems to have not said anything because she was afraid of hurting me.”

I recalled the advice Ham Yejin had given me before: Don’t get too close to Muk Ha-neul. So that was why. Ham Yejin already knew. I felt a slight sense of betrayal. At the same time, I remembered the secret that Muk Ha-neul was trying to expose about Ham Yejin.

But that couldn’t be compared to the feelings I had for Muk Ha-neul.

“…Is it really you?”

“Yes. I did that.”

…

“Why?”

“What do you mean?”

“Why did you do that?”

“Say something.”

Please, give me an answer I can accept. Let me not hate you. Let me not get hurt. Let me be able to apologize for slapping you.

“You said you love me.”

“Yes. I love you. Just like always.”

“How can you do that to someone you love?”

“Because I love you, I can do that.”

“I can’t understand.”

“It’s just how it is.”

It was too shallow a story to call it love.

“Does that mean it isn’t love?”

“It is love. But it’s not heteronormative love.”

“You said you liked me.”

“If you had always been a man, our love could have been packaged that way. As if we loved each other as opposites. I would have been satisfied with that much. But it was never sexual love. What did you see in me?”

“What else could I have seen?! Who else is there but you?”

Don’t say anything.

“You saw motherhood in me. Like an ideal mother, accepting everything, forgiving the son’s faults, wanting me while simultaneously rejecting me. You wanted motherhood, but couldn’t forgive the mother.”

“What nonsense!”

Don’t say it.

“You cut my chain. Do you know what that means? You trained me. The word ‘salvation’ is truly beautiful, isn’t it? But that word doesn’t suit us. What you did to me… was abduction.”

“I can’t understand what you’re saying.”

Don’t say it.

“The moment you showed me that novel, I realized I was kidnapped into this person’s world. So I could only love the master of that world. I fell for the abductor. So that… would be closer to Stockholm Syndrome than love.”

…That was a painfully cruel statement. The definition that our love was not love. Yes, the feelings I wasn’t sure were love were indeed not love. But I never thought Muk Ha-neul’s love would be the same.

It was truly a shallow feeling to call it love.

“You hated women, didn’t you? I wonder why?”

“…You’re now.”

“Because all women were like all mothers to you.”

“That’s all nonsense.”

“So you hated all women. And now that you’re no longer hating them, it’s because you’ve become one.”

You loved yourself so much that you couldn’t hate yourself anymore.

“Be quiet.”

“It’s okay. It’s not strange. We all do it. Everyone loves themselves and hates themselves just as much.”

“I told you to be quiet.”

“I haven’t even explained why yet?”

“Shut up!”

Muk Ha-neul closed her mouth.

I hadn’t even brought up why Muk Ha-neul spread the photos, and I already felt like I was losing my mind. Perhaps everyone around knew. What if everyone looked at me that way? No, that was too far-fetched.

But one thing was certain. This entire story,

was the truth.

And I knew all of this. I was consciously ignoring it. It wasn’t a good feeling to confront; I didn’t want to insult the remnants of love I had for Muk Ha-neul. I was despising the bittersweet feelings toward my mother.

But Muk Ha-neul trampled her own remnants of love without hesitation. Just like I stomped on my mother’s sanctuary. Did I teach something truly bad?

Knowing the truth and accepting it were two different stories. My head ached. I was definitely the one who struck, yet I was hurt more. However, once accepted, thought ended there. Because I already knew.

“…Do it more.”

“Should I?”

Muk Ha-neul smiled slightly.

“You were the master of this world. You were a god. I was such a god that fell in love with that god. If you hadn’t changed, I wouldn’t have thought of having you. You were too powerful a god for that. But now you have weakened so much. So I was greedy. I wanted to have you.”

“I’m not your possession!”

“But isn’t love like that? Owning each other. Becoming one. The ultimate loss of self.”

Love [noun]

A deep affection and regard for a person or being. Or such a thing.

However, we know the word love cannot be defined by such a short phrase.

“But the little god shut itself in a room. You changed. You will continue to change. But if you had been left alone back then, it would have been dangerous.”

“What was dangerous?”

“You needed to grow. You absolutely had to. It was necessary. It was something that had to happen. Growth requires trials, and I provided that.”

“Are you crazy? A person is not a lion!”

“This isn’t a story about lions dropping their cubs off a cliff. That story was a lie to begin with.”

“Why, why did you need such trials? Why did you need that? Why was that necessary?”

“Because if you had remained still, you would have committed suicide.”

I fell silent.

~

“You lived because you couldn’t die. That means it wouldn’t be strange if you died at any time. You would have decayed slowly and quietly. I needed to drag you out of that house. They say growth comes with pain, but in fact, it’s the opposite. Growth accompanies pain. Answer me, senior.”

At that time, were you thinking of suicide?

“No….”

“Is that so? Then I must be wrong.”

“No….”

“Hm.”

“No. No. No. I said no.”

“What isn’t?”

“Everything isn’t!!”

Everything was right.

I had no reason not to commit suicide. The only reason I didn’t die back then was that I just needed preparation. And I was afraid. I postponed, postponed, and postponed. However, someday that time would come. I would rot slowly. I might have looked fine on the outside, but I would eventually make that choice.

The reason it didn’t happen was because of everything that occurred before I made that choice.

And all of those events began with Muk Ha-neul posting my photos online.

“I’m glad you didn’t die.”

“I… didn’t want to die.”

“And you wanted to die.”

“I just postponed the choice.”

“You would have made it someday. You have never missed a deadline.”

Indeed, it was true. I laughed in a weary way.

I was a man who kept his promises well. I had never missed a deadline. The time was set, and it was an event that would happen someday.

I couldn’t deny it.

I didn’t deny it.

I denied it.

But both Muk Ha-neul and I were well aware that denial did not mean the same thing.

“Through trials, you were chipped, chipped, and chipped again. And you changed. You will continue to change. In fact, even if you hadn’t changed, I would have loved you. Because you would have been as I loved you. Even if you crumbled, you would still have been beautiful. But you surpassed my imagination. You changed, but you didn’t crumble. That was… a noble outcome.”

I fell in love with you one more time.

“That isn’t love.”

“It might be. But I like it.”

In the white snowfield, I leave my footprints.

“I was your first, right?”

That was indeed true.