Chapter 17

I silently looked at Sena.

Thoughts of Hans occupied most of my brain before suddenly subsiding.

It must be the Princess’s defense mechanism.

Hans, practically a symbol of PTSD, is someone I don’t want to think about, now or ever.

“…So, why does Miss Sena care if I starve? I’m not planning to starve to death, and even if I did, it wouldn’t matter to you.”

Still, a bit of irritation slipped out, and my tone came off sharper than I intended.

Hearing that, Sena’s eyes widened as if hurt, but she couldn’t respond.

Of course.

Because it’s true.

In reality, Sena and I have known each other for less than two months—practically strangers.

If anything, I don’t understand why she cares about me so much.

At first, I thought it was out of pity or kindness, but it feels like there’s something more—a strange obsession.

Naturally, I’m not thrilled about it.

Even though my willingness to obey hasn’t changed, it’s more than just pure pity.

Yeah, let’s stop thinking about it.

Sena is human, I’m a doll.

She shows kindness, I obey.

That’s the only unchanging truth.

Whether her intentions are pure or not, it doesn’t matter to me.

We’re strangers anyway, right?

As I continued to think, Sena, who had been wearing a hurt expression, bit her lip and suddenly grabbed my wrist.

“…Let’s go eat.”

“I don’t have any money. I just spent it all.”

The little food allowance the organization gave me had just turned into cheap tea, coffee, and cookies.

I can’t afford a meal, but at least I have something to offer guests.

Entertaining guests is far more important than the health of a soon-to-be corpse, so isn’t this a fair trade?

I genuinely thought that, but Sena didn’t seem willing to back down.

Her grip on my wrist tightened.

It’s going to bruise again.

Can’t you hold it gently? It hurts.

“I’ll pay. I can keep covering your meals from now on. So, please don’t skip meals. You’re already not feeling well…”

I hate this. Really.

A Princess who has to mooch meals because she’s broke.

Still, I didn’t feel like vehemently refusing.

If this were our first meeting, I would’ve thrown a fit and exploded.

No, maybe I just don’t have the energy to refuse.

After all, I’ve been sick for a week without eating anything—technically a patient.

Without waiting for my answer, she led me to the restaurant.

I didn’t resist much and just followed along.

Somehow, my mind feels like it’s floating.

I didn’t want to be caught receiving unnecessary pity, but now that I’ve been caught, I realize how terrible my condition really is.

It’s not like I want to starve.

If I’m going to die, I’d prefer a quick and certain method.

I hate long, painful processes like starving to death.

Even though I know that, if someone asks why I haven’t eaten for over a week, I can only say, “Just because.”

It clearly shows how messed up I am.

At first, I had the excuse of being blocked from going to the restaurant, but not for the past few days.

I was just… depressed.

Empty and meaningless.

I didn’t want to do anything.

I couldn’t do anything.

Now, I don’t even know what the Princess wants or what “I” want to do.

It feels like everything has been mixed and mixed until the original is completely gone.

Memories of reality are fading, and only the Princess’s memories remain, which disgusts me.

I’m disgusted by myself for missing Ariana’s torment, the scar on my forehead that’s no longer there.

Because I’m alive.

Because I want to die.

Because I can’t die.

So.

I.

—

“Princess! Princess!”

“…Ah, were you calling me?”

While lost in my own world, it seems we’ve arrived at the restaurant.

I recognized Sena shaking me and calling my name, then lifted my head.

I have no idea how long I’ve been like this.

I hope it wasn’t too long.

I don’t want to cause unnecessary worry.

“…Are you really not feeling well? If you tell me your symptoms, I can get you some medicine.”

“I’m fine. I was just… thinking about something else.”

“That’s a relief, but…”

I made a gesture to reassure Sena, who still looked worried.

Fortunately, she seemed to accept it and found a seat for me.

“Is there anything you’d like to eat?”

“Anything is fine.”

“Then… I’ll order something light for you. You’ve been starving for a while, so overeating is a no.”

Sena quickly left to order the food.

I sat quietly, waiting for her to return.

Then, a thought suddenly crossed my mind.

Should I run away now?

It was a completely impulsive thought with no context, but if I didn’t act now while she was away, I wouldn’t even have the chance.

Yeah, if I’m going to do it, now’s the time. But why?

It’s not like she’s harming me—she’s just offering to treat me to a meal.

I put a finger to my lips and tilted my head.

I wanted to get up and rush back to my room.

But I couldn’t figure out why.

After racking my brain for a few seconds, I gave up and shook my head.

I don’t know. There must be a reason.

It’s not like it’s the first time my instincts and rationality have clashed.

I put strength into my legs and stood up.

“…Ah, haha.”

Well, I tried to stand up.

But my trembling legs refused to support my weight.

I had a feeling it was close, but it seems I’ve really hit my limit.

To the point where I can’t even stand on two feet.

I couldn’t help but laugh at the absurdity of the situation.

If I’m in this state after just a little walking, I probably would’ve died of a heart attack or something if I had pushed myself for a few more days.

And of all times, right before that, I decided to go out, coincidentally ran into Sena, and now I can’t even run away because my body’s reached its limit.

If coincidences pile up this much, it’s practically fate.

Seriously, what a joke.

Suddenly, my eyes felt hot, so I buried my face in the table.

I didn’t want to show these people, who were staring at me so creepily, the sight of me crying.

Ah, I can feel it again. Their gazes.

It’s fine if they don’t touch me directly.

But the most unbearable thing is that those stares have only increased.

Hostility, mockery, goodwill, pity.

And that sticky mix of all of them.

Stop looking at me.

Please, just mind your own business.

This has nothing to do with you.

When are you coming, Miss Sena?

If you’re not going to let me run away, at least stay by my side.

At least when you’re here, those stares bother me less.

Hurry up.

“I brought it, Lady…? Are you okay?! I knew it, you’re not feeling well, right?!”

Ah.

I heard the sound of a bowl being set down and quickly raised my head.

The intense emotions radiating from Sena’s flustered expression overshadowed the gazes directed at me.

The oppressive feeling weighing on me slowly faded, replaced by a sense of relief.

Sure, that person is uncomfortable and off-putting, but it’s better than being under the scrutiny of other trash.

Maybe it’s because I’m drawn to humans like a doll.

With trembling hands, I wiped the moisture from my eyes and spoke to her.

“I was in pain until just now, but I’m fine now. Strangely enough.”

“…What do you mean?”

Sena’s eyes darkened as she listened to my words.

She didn’t look relieved.

In fact, she seemed rather anxious.

Did she have a bad experience in the past?

Of course, I have no intention of prying.

I don’t want to know more about her, nor do I want her to know more about me.

If I can’t push her away, maintaining this distance is probably best for both of us.

Instead, I shifted my gaze to the bowl she brought.

It contained a thin soup, warm to the touch.

The ingredients were finely chopped, almost invisible, clearly a meal tailored to my current digestive state.

I picked up the spoon and took a small sip.

Then, carefully brought it to my mouth.

It wasn’t hot enough to burn, so after a few chews, I could swallow it easily.

I couldn’t really taste anything.

I don’t know if it was intentionally made bland or if my taste buds were off.

But I could clearly feel the warmth of the soup as it traveled down my throat and warmed my stomach.

What should I call this feeling?

It was like rediscovering a forgotten memory.

Since entering the Academy, I’ve only eaten things that could barely be called food once every few days.

When I was with the organization, I survived on preserved rations that didn’t even give me a sense of fullness.

I guess I had forgotten what it felt like to have a full stomach.

As a result, I had to clench my arm and tremble while controlling my pace.

I couldn’t let the Lady be seen eating like a beggar.

But I didn’t have the luxury of managing my expression, so I worried about how I must look to others.

Though I could roughly guess from the pitying look Sena was giving me.

Still, I couldn’t stop the spoon.

Was I always this gluttonous?

Ah, it’s the survival instinct.

Right.

Humans are so contradictory.

Feeling satisfied as my stomach fills.

Feeling joy at being alive.

Yet despairing at not being able to die.

Disliking Sena Blomberg.

Wanting to push her away.

Yet unknowingly relying on her.

I knew it, but it’s too much.