Chapter 166

When lips met lips, the next step was obvious. Tongues tangled… Damn, why is she so good at kissing? It felt like my tongue was being violated by a tentacle. The saliva was stickier and more viscous than usual. It was so thick, it felt like some kind of starch had been mixed in, and so sweet, it was as if sugar had been dissolved. It was a kiss so intoxicating, it felt like alcohol had been added.

Moreover, it was so long that it felt like holding my breath underwater for an eternity.

“Haah… Haah… This isn’t your first time, Master, right? But it’s my first.”

“Wait, Airi, hold on…”

I saw the vision of a shining holy sword piercing through my chest. If I crossed this line, it felt like I was really going to get screwed. Out of 14 million possible futures, I saw the one where I die from being stabbed by the holy sword.

“If I can’t be the first, I should aim to be the best. That’s the attitude of a sorcerer, right?”

I don’t know who came up with that belief, but if I ever meet them, I’ll punch their teeth out. I don’t want to die like some demon king, stabbed by a holy sword. I just want to rest peacefully in a hospital bed.

“Ah, I have an urgent letter to send to the Crown Prince…”

“Don’t lie, Master. Today’s newspaper said the Crown Princess entered the sub-palace for childbirth, and the Crown Prince went with her.”

Damn those journalists… Why do they write about someone giving birth? They have no ethics, cutting off power to PC rooms during broadcasts… They should just cut off their own life’s power.

“No, it’s not that, I need to send a letter.”

“The letter can go, but you can’t pass, Master.”

What the hell, are you Charlie Adam? The one who said the ball can pass but the player can’t?

“Master, are you joking with me?”

“No, it’s not that…”

“Master, you know what I want, don’t you?”

Airi pressed her body closer to mine. The exit from the bed was sealed.

“If you don’t like me, you don’t have to force yourself.”

“Airi, it’s not that I don’t like you. It’s just that I’m your master, and you’re my disciple. This kind of relationship is a bit… you know.”

“Is there a law in the world that says a disciple and master can’t have sex? Who made that law? Huh?”

“No, it’s not that. I’ve watched you since you were a baby… I’ve raised you since you were five…”

“I’m not a child anymore. My body, my heart, my age—I’m a full adult now.”

Certainly, Airi was an adult. Mentally… I’m not sure, but her body was undeniably that of a healthy adult. She was no longer the little girl who would cry and look for her master.

“My father, my mother—none of that matters. I’m saying I want to sleep with you out of my own will. What matters is your will, Master. My parents, Glacia, or anyone else’s thoughts don’t matter at all.”

I had no words to refute her. Maybe I subconsciously rejected her because we were too close. I had noticed it long ago. I’m not a eunuch; how could I not know Airi liked me? I wouldn’t have grieved so much for someone I didn’t love.

“Master… do you really dislike me? Do you not want to mix your body with mine at all?”

It wasn’t that I disliked her. I just didn’t want to be swayed by lust.

Werner enjoyed being with Airi.

Even though the scent of the saint Media, whom Werner cherished, and the voice of his failed first love lingered in his mind.

Werner had given his life for Airi. But it wasn’t because she resembled Media or because she was her daughter. It was simply because she was his disciple. Werner was that kind of person. A fool who put his own life last.

That was the only difference between me and Werner.

The face of that child, Yibai, kept haunting my memories. Despite having different eye and hair colors, why did they look so alike? Memories of the only shining moments in my dark, miserable life came back. I saw the child I couldn’t smile for. Every time I saw the only regret I left in my life… it hurt so much.

That’s why I tried to keep Airi at a distance. But I couldn’t push her away. Because she resembled that child. I wanted to stay away, yet I wanted to be close. It might sound like nonsense, but that was my feeling. Whether it was a game or reality, it didn’t matter. It hurt, I didn’t want to see it, I was happy, I wanted to see it. So I deliberately kept an ambiguous distance.

I couldn’t push someone away. That was the commonality between me and Werner.

“Airi.”

If I can’t push her away, let’s be honest. If I can’t push her away, let’s hope someone else will. I’ve always been someone who depends on others. That was the shared weakness of Werner and Yibai.

“I’m trash.”

I don’t even feel guilt when I kill someone. The fact that I should feel guilt just lingers in my mind. I have no emotional response to the lives I’ve taken. The only time I feel something resembling guilt… well, discomfort, is just one moment.

“When Count Holstead died, when someone I thought could be a friend died, when the Heavenly Demon Old Man died, when Tristan died… I didn’t feel sadness.”

I only feel something when someone dies because I couldn’t do better. Or rather, it’s not that they died, but that it marred perfection, and that’s what I disliked. In game terms… it’s like being angry for not achieving a 100% perfect clear. No, I don’t even know if it’s anger.

I only know the principles of emotions. So I move according to those principles, driven by something dark that I can’t call an emotion.

“I’ve never cherished anyone before. Well, I’ve done something similar, but it was far from the essence of cherishing.”

I only measured the value of people around me, or rather, people I recognized. I just set my own value at zero. The criteria were arbitrary. How well they treated me, how beautiful they were, how strong they were, how bad they smelled—such trivial values.

“But I can’t say I have no emotions at all.”

The first reason, I don’t remember. Or maybe it’s the first, second, and third reasons combined. But it’s clear that what I perceive as the ‘second’ reason isn’t the ‘first.’

The second reason is you, Airi. The precious disciple Werner raised, ate and slept with, and shared countless moments with, the first to stir my heart.

The third reason is that child, Yibai. The child who showed that even in the gutter, light doesn’t lose its shine. The child who taught me that killing people is painful. The child who taught me the principles of emotions. And my first love.

The fourth reason is you again, Airi. The second and fourth reasons. A character I came to like because she resembled that child. Maybe I started that game because of your picture, and that’s why I’m here. But it’s the strange ‘pull’ you created that keeps me here.

“But even so, I don’t know the principles, language, or expression of love without lust.”

Someone like me would undoubtedly be the worst father. I wouldn’t hit my child, but I’d be the worst kind of father—indifferent and unloving.

“If you just want to sleep with me out of lust, go ahead. But if this temptation comes from a desire to marry me and build a happy family… let’s pretend it never happened.”

Werner ran away from his engagement for a similar reason. He learned how to show affection to comrades and friends. But he never learned how to show affection to family.

“So, Airi, what do you want to do?”

“You’re messed up.”

“Yeah… I thought so…”

“No, I mean the way you described yourself is messed up.”

Airi hugged me tightly. It was a hug born not from lust, but from something pure that only looked at me.

I knew this hug. Yibai had given it to me, and so had the person who became the first reason.

“The Master I love is a mess in daily life, full of irritation, unexpectedly weak… The Master right in front of me is not the person you described.”