Chapter 146

Heavily, even heavier.

The weight of that, which was as light as a feather, had somehow swelled like a rolling snowball.

It was more transparent than the sunlight that rises on the first day of May, yet it emanated an intense light like a spark flying up from a furnace.

Though that light might be the hottest flame that burns at the end, it is merely a minimal threat to a person. No, can it even be called a threat?

The guilt that a person feels has a clear limit from the outset, and it is already far gone to feel clear guilt over something that has passed.

The vain and sinful heart that it has opened up seemed to want to convey that its end has been determined from the very beginning. I.

The sigh I exhale is stronger than the colors that shine brightly in the universe and heavier than the pressure under the deep sea, leaking out with such an unreal mass.

And, I… what I want to say… So…

…You don’t know.

I don’t know either, but you won’t know even more. You don’t know how I felt when I looked at you.

“You’re shifting the blame to me again.”

Look at that. You don’t know.

If you knew how I felt, such a reaction could never happen. You don’t know my feelings.

You don’t know… how I felt when I let you go.

“……”

When I see food you liked, you come to mind; when I smell the fragrance of flowers you liked, you come to mind; when I see the book you used to enjoy reading, you come to mind; when I see your glossy blonde hair and sparkling emerald eyes, you come to mind.

“That’s strange.”

There’s nothing strange about it. I just want to gather everything about your scent, your appearance, even your voice.

“Among those who lost their lives during the Great War, there were many who were close to you apart from me.”

“……”

“Why do you treat just me as special?”

That’s because, that’s because…

“Really? Answer me, Lucio.”

…That’s because you ensnared me.

Always smiling at me, always approaching me first to talk, and when I was gloomy, you would come to comfort me first…

Like wishing on a shooting star that falls in curves from the night sky, you made me harbor a wish akin to an unfulfilled superstition.

“Lucio.”

That’s why the cycle of addiction was completed.

“Lucio. Head Priest Lucio.”

That chain ensnared me.

“You should speak properly.”

You are…

“I didn’t ensnare you; you willingly plunged your neck in.”

You, again like this.

Trying to confine me within you. Like pushing a prisoner into a cell, trying to drag me down.

Hanging heavily at my feet, trying to sink me into the deep sea.

“You’re not trapped inside me; you’re trapped in your own illusion.”

“I, I am…”

“Stop with the excuses. Those are just fallacies that aren’t even worthy of being called excuses.”

The messy visions that had been swirling in my mind changed to pure white in an instant.

“So now, please explain the real reason.”

I had something I wanted to say. It was a rather funny thought.

To think I had something to say to you, who is nothing more than a perfect hallucination that no longer exists in this world.

“I met Colonel Meijhem yesterday.”

And I find it funny that I am the one who starts talking, even knowing that.

“Yes. Right. You thought that if you came with him, your guilt might diminish even a little?”

“……”

“No, that’s not it. This issue applies only to you and me, just the two of us. Even if you brought dozens or hundreds of others, that guilt buried in your heart cannot be divided by one-tenth.”

“I left my right arm and heart with Calcass.”

The voice that had been incessantly ringing stopped. It seemed troubled, or perhaps it had vanished. It must just be a mere auditory hallucination.

“Colonel Meijhem said so.”

“I repeat, Colonel Meijhem has nothing to do with this…”

“If so, then I am still in Calcass.”

I calmly searched for the medicine. As before, the voice that would have constantly tormented me in the meantime was quiet now.

“I couldn’t even find your remains. That was something I couldn’t resolve.”

“Such excuses are merely….”

“Think about the feelings I must gather every single piece of your torn flesh… just a little.”

“……”

“Right, you are still in Calcass.”

I found the medicine. Slowly, I twisted the cap while murmuring to myself.

“So, I too am still in Calcass. Not just leaving a heart or an arm behind, but I left all of myself there.”

“Why… why do you treat me so specially as a precious person?”

Your voice seemed to tremble, perhaps angry.

“There were many others who fell there besides me. Among so many people, why do you think only of me?”

“I told you. You ensnared me.”

“…That’s not it. It’s not.”

As soon as I opened the lid, a whispering voice came through.

“The deaths of others were a compromise, weren’t they?”

“……”

“I thought I couldn’t bear the pain of mourning each death, so… that’s why it was a compromise.”

“I…”

“Moreover, I’ve even compromised with my own death now. The one who died because of you, me.”

I swallowed a pill. I didn’t want to hear the last words, but that words, too, came through without fail.

“You compromised.”

You compromised.

“…Cough!”

Blood surged immediately. Thanks to having taken the medicine beforehand in the restroom, I could avoid splattering blood elsewhere.

“Cough! Cough! Hack!”

After spitting out clots that were black and gooey, mixed with blood, I could finally breathe.

Just a moment ago, the fact that I had spoken with someone I should have only met in hallucinations washed over me like a wave of self-loathing.

“This….”

What a foolish thing.

* * * * *

After the weekend, Monday morning broke. A new week began.

“Haah….”

Sofia, the sub-priest, stretched her stiff shoulders as she headed to the professor’s office. As she had heard last time, today was a day when Professor Antorelli wouldn’t be working, but still, work accumulated day by day.

Sofia disliked procrastinating. Since she had been holed up in the dormitory due to continuous rain over the weekend, she was eager to do something as the weekday arrived.

“Hehe…”

Perhaps because of that, Sofia’s steps toward the professor’s office seemed so light they could almost fly. She felt good knowing she didn’t have to stay cooped up in the dormitory.

– Bang.

“Head Priest~! Good morning…!”

As usual, she energetically entered the professor’s office to greet, but there was no response. That was to be expected.

Sofia paused in front of the office door for a moment, looking around the inside of the office and muttering.

“…I ended up greeting out of habit.”

A wistfulness filled her gaze as she looked around the office. Although it had only been one day since she had been apart from Professor Antorelli, she found herself oddly emotional.

– Today is Monday, isn’t it?

– Due to personal reasons, I intend to take a leave that day.

‘Personal reasons…’

What could those personal reasons be? Sofia knew well that he was not someone who lacked interest in work.

He had an oddly obsessive dedication to teaching students, and while she didn’t fully understand the exact reason behind it, she could only guess it was connected to the ‘precious person’ he had once mentioned.

At the very least, she knew that he wasn’t someone who used trivial excuses to avoid coming to the academy. Today might be a day he didn’t have classes, but had it been a day with classes, Professor Antorelli would have surely been troubled.

Something important enough for him not to come in, and personal enough for him not to tell Sofia about it.

‘What could it possibly be?’

She thought she had narrowed the distance, but it still hadn’t closed enough for her to confide those things. Whenever Sofia took a step closer, Professor Antorelli seemed to step back half a step.

‘But, if I wait…’

Sofia decided not to act hastily. In the past, she had been too hasty in asking, leading to Professor Antorelli having an episode due to recalling past memories. She was well aware of her mistake of being excessively hasty back then.

“…I should go in.”

Standing at the door, Sofia slowly stepped inside the office. The unventilated, damp and hot air typical of a rainy day closed around her throat. She noticed the air conditioning unit, motionless and inactive.

‘If it were normal, the Head Priest would have turned it on beforehand.’

If Professor Antorelli had been at work before Sofia, he would have turned on the air conditioning to accommodate her, who was particularly sensitive to heat.

However, the current office was not at all comfortable. The delayed rainy season brought a slightly humid atmosphere to the office, making it feel unpleasant.

Moreover, there were many places where Professor Antorelli’s absence was felt. Upon entering the office, there was an empty desk in front, and his beloved Bible lay on it, while the black umbrella he always carried on rainy days was wet and placed in the umbrella stand…

“…Huh?”

Sofia, momentarily lost in thought, blankly stared at the black umbrella dripping with water, looking as if it had just been used.

“…Head Priest?”

“What’s the matter, Sofia?”

At the voice coming from behind her, Sofia slowly turned her stiffened head, creaking slightly.

Professor Antorelli, who had just opened the door leading to a small pantry in one corner of the office, looked at Sofia, who had frozen in the middle of the room, with an odd expression.

“Uh, uh… Head Priest…?”

“Yes.”

“That… you said you had personal matters today…”

“…Yes, that’s correct.”

Avoiding Sofia’s gaze, Antorelli responded, seemingly having something to hide. Sofia took a step closer to him.

“Then, why are you here?”

“…I had someone in mind to go with, but that person couldn’t make time.”

Antorelli replied in a small voice. It seemed he was too scared to look her in the eye, which was not typical of him.

“However, I…I don’t have the courage to go alone.”

“……”

“So, what I mean is….”

“Are you saying you want to go there together with me?”

Professor Antorelli inhaled sharply. He looked quite troubled, almost as if he had been hit with a direct blow.

“With you, Sofia…?”

“If that’s not the case, is there any reason for you to come to the professor’s office? You could just go take care of your matters.”

“W-well… it was just that my head was complicated, and while wandering aimlessly, I ended up here.”

“Still, deep down, you were waiting for me to come, right? Am I wrong?”

“……”

Was that silence an affirmation or a denial? Judging by Professor Antorelli’s reaction, Sofia was strongly convinced that the silence meant the former.

“I don’t know what the matter is, but if you don’t have the courage to go alone, why don’t you go with me? I don’t mind.”

“……”

After a long time of sweating coldly and contemplating, Professor Antorelli finally nodded slightly.

“I understand…”

What could be so concerning to him that he wouldn’t have courage to go alone but was still hesitant to take Sofia with him?

Sofia didn’t know what that reason was.

However, regardless of what the reason might be… she thought it wasn’t something to overly worry about.

…Yes, that was it.