Chapter 143

The button on the shirt I was fastening flew off into the distance.

The emotion that surged in me at that moment was more confusion than fear. The disconnect from not understanding the situation, the recoil from having been calmly rational until now, and the shock of finding myself in a situation that should never have happened—all of it caused me to malfunction.

“Uh.”

I couldn’t see the face of Jae-Ah—no, the male creature—in front of me. It was painted black, invisible, not human. It was closer to a form of violence with a shape.

“What, what are you doing?”

“It’s white.”

Its voice was already filled with noise. The crackling noise, like that of an old radio, made the situation feel unreal.

A sense of unreality, beyond fear, overwhelmed me.

What was in front of me was no longer Jae-Ah.

It was just black.

“Stop… stop it.”

“Why, why are you acting like the victim?”

I shook my head.

“Why are you doing this? Why are you treating me like I’m some fucking villain, a bastard, a rapist?”

Of course, in this situation, I wasn’t brave or foolish enough to tell the black thing that what it was doing was exactly that.

Exposing my skin felt like revealing my weaknesses and flaws. Jae-Ah, too, had been forced to show his flaws. There was no intention of this action being a metaphor for that, but it was too miserable not to think so.

“I fucking, I fucking, I also, I also wanted to do well. Is it my fault? Did I do something wrong? Cross-dressing or whatever, TS or whatever, just imagining things, writing stories, cross-dressing a bit, is that such a big mistake?”

My body shrank at the sudden rise in its voice. I was already prey, relying on the predator’s mercy, waiting for the black intrusion.

It wasn’t particularly large in stature, but it was big enough to overpower me and block out the light. And it was black.

So black that I couldn’t see Jae-Ah’s face anymore.

It was just black.

“I thought you betrayed me, but this isn’t even betrayal. How do you think it feels? The most miserable in the world. Miserable, fuck.”

“Stop… sob…”

“Stop crying, damn it!”

I wasn’t even aware, but by this point, I was already sobbing. Any pride I had as an older brother or elder was completely gone.

“I’m the one who wants to cry! Me! I want to cry too!”

But contrary to its words, something black was falling from the blackness.

“Why is everyone doing this to me! Dad’s going crazy! Even mom looks at me weirdly! Seo Eun-Ah, that bitch, acts like a jerk! School is full of fucking idiots, and the teachers pretend not to know me! Friends? Do you think I have any left? Even the girl I liked ignores me!! All I have… all I have is the fucking internet. There’s nothing but the internet. Just a bunch of fools gathered in a community doing stupid things together. That was my only friends.”

The black thing wailed. It wailed, and for a moment, it lost its words and muttered blankly.

“…So it was really good. This place was really good. Coming here was really fun, I…”

“No…”

“What do you mean no, what? Was it just me? Was it just me who liked it? Was I the only idiot who liked it alone?!”

“I liked it too…”

“Then why, damn it.”

I couldn’t answer.

Even if I answered, I didn’t know if it would listen.

“…Am I gay? Do I want to be a woman? I don’t know. Fuck, what does it all mean? Do I have to know?”

“I’m sorry…”

“Yeah, I guess I have to know… Then I’ll find out. Even if it’s starting now.”

Those words soon led to a black hand.

The black hand stroked my stomach.

It was definitely not warm or gentle. It hurt a bit. But my lower body was warm.

“You said you liked it. You said you liked it too. Then it doesn’t matter.”

“No…”

What should I do?

My lower body was getting warm. The warmth was flowing down my legs.

But the black hand didn’t go beyond my stomach. The more it touched my stomach, the rougher the touch became, but it didn’t go elsewhere. Soon, the hand fell away.

“Fuck… why… why are you just staying still? Why are you just staying still, damn it.”

The noise,

It lessened a bit.

“Why are you just staying still! Damn it! Fuck, you were 28, right? Why are you just staying still? Are you really just a kid? A child?!”

It was a bit lighter.

“Calling you ‘brother,’ I feel like a fucking idiot.”

It was a bit darker.

“I feel like a fucking idiot. It’s really horrifying. Disgusting. Why did I do it? Why did I come here? I shouldn’t have come here.”

Bit by bit, it lightened.

“Everything… everything’s fucking… shit… it’s shit.”

Bit by bit, it darkened.

The noise was gone. The crackling sound in its voice disappeared. Without the noise, the voice was trembling.

The warmth flowing to the floor wet its feet.

Had the black thing been washed away by the warmth?

The black thing’s face became visible.

Its face started to show.

It was crying. It was angry, sad.

And most of all,

It was afraid.

Even though I was clearly the one being victimized, Jae-Ah was now afraid. Afraid. Afraid.

And the object of that fear was the same as mine.

The tears falling from Jae-Ah’s distorted face, mixed with sorrow, anger, pain, and fear, merged with the warmth on the floor.

And I realized.

No, I remembered.

What was in front of me, the child in front of me, was not some black thing.

It was Jae-Ah. Seo Jae-Ah. 18 years old, still a boy. A bit wounded, still unsure of himself, just an ordinary boy you could find anywhere.

Still too young to be an adult, too old to be a child, a boy. The purity of a child was already gone, so there was no pure malice. Young but not a child. No longer a child, not yet an adult.

Now, the boy who was most afraid of himself and most wanted to be stopped.

It wasn’t that he didn’t know. It wasn’t that he was ignoring it.

Jae-Ah knew everything now. He had just come too far to stop himself.

Yes, that’s it.

There was only one thing I could say.

If you don’t speak, you won’t know. Words must take form for something to be conveyed.

The words I couldn’t bring myself to say.

The one thing I needed to tell you.

Without doing anything, just stopping, I took Jae-Ah’s lost hand. I took his hand in both of mine.

“Sob…”

“What… what are you doing?”

“Now… sob…”

It didn’t go as well as I thought. Contrary to my thoughts, this body was already full of fear, crying, and even…

“Now… you have to become an adult.”

“What the hell are you talking about, damn it.”

“If you… want to do it, do it.”

Yes, if you want to do it, do it. If you can, do it.

“If you want to… do it. If you can, do it.”

“What are you doing!”

“Now you have to be… an adult.”

Jae-Ah pulled his hand out from between my two hands.

“You have to… become an adult.”

Jae-Ah took a step back.

“Graduating… from being a boy.”

“What the hell are you talking about, damn it.”

There was no strength left in Jae-Ah’s voice. No hostility could be felt in his curses.

“It might be too late… or it might be too early… but still, still.”

Suddenly, Jae-Ah wasn’t filled with fear.

It was natural.

Jae-Ah had already been filled with fear for a long time.

“It’s not… too late.”

Jae-Ah looked at my hand. He looked at my face, my body. I was still crying, half-collapsed. Jae-Ah looked at the warmth wetting the floor.

Jae-Ah grabbed his head and screamed. No sound came out. So there was no trembling.

Jae-Ah looked around, frantically. Immediately, he picked up the smartphone that had fallen to the ground. He gathered a few of his things from the sofa where he had been sitting.

And then he ran away, disappeared.

No, he fled. He just disappeared.

I completely collapsed to the floor and cried. The sound of my crying, filled with fear, sadness, shame, and relief, echoed through the house. But there was no one to hear it.

After a while, I stopped crying. I looked at the warm, yellow liquid from my body wetting the floor, laughed hollowly, and then cried again.