Chapter 141

“Then what am I supposed to do?”

Jae-Ah’s voice was filled with frustration, questions, and expectations. Anger at being forced to say such things, confusion about how to resolve it, and a sense of hope for what came next.

I had no choice but to betray all of that now.

“The choice is yours.”

“What am I supposed to choose?”

A thorny statement.

This statement was certainly not for Jae-Ah. So I said it. The simplest solution. Not for Jae-Ah, nor for the writer Jae-Ah, but something that had to be chosen.

To grow, to cut off one’s own legs.

“Stop writing everything you’re working on right now.”

“…What?”

“I said throw it all away.”

Jae-Ah’s expression, stunned and confused, was as if she couldn’t comprehend what I was saying. And then she was soon engulfed in anger. It was understandable; it was the worst choice that would have made anyone angry, even me.

But,

The best choice in the worst situation never comes to mind.

“Is that really what you’re saying?!”

“It’s not just words. It’s a choice.”

“Shut up!”

“Can’t do it?”

“How could you even say that?!”

“Then write.”

“…”

She couldn’t respond to that.

“As I said, the choice is yours.”

“How can you say such a thing…”

“How can I say such a thing? If you can’t accept my words, just write. Then it’s over.”

“How could I do that to my readers…”

“Can you do such a thing? Of course you can. That’s what being a writer is. You tell readers you’re grateful, and maybe you actually feel that way. But writing is, in the end, a profoundly selfish act for oneself. You beg others to see your innermost self, but when they do, their attitude changes.”

“That’s nonsense. Everyone will criticize me.”

You’re just scared.

“Deal with it. You’ll have to make that choice.”

“I… didn’t choose.”

“Then write.”

“I said I can’t! It’s not that I don’t want to write!”

“That doesn’t matter to the readers.”

“…”

“What’s important is that you aren’t writing.”

Then you should definitely not write that.

“…”

“Criticism? Of course you’ll get it. And you should get it. That’s what being a writer means. It’s a job where you feed your innermost self to the readers. You should have been prepared to digest the readers’ innermost selves as well. Whether it’s medicine or poison. If you want to make the readers laugh, you should be prepared to cry too.”

“Enough with that outdated theory of being a writer.”

“You’re nothing but worse than outdated.”

“Shut up! What do you know about me?! You can’t even make more money than I do!!!”

That line is a privilege of adolescence. It’s something everyone must say at least once before becoming an adult. So I won’t blame you for those words.

It’s not just a mistake said in anger. You must have actually thought about it. Anger doesn’t come from that. Everyone has a subtle sense of superiority and inferiority towards others. It’s just a common emotion.

You just have to keep it to yourself.

And I was not someone else to Jae-Ah.

At least, not until tomorrow.

“…I didn’t mean to say that.”

In any case, whether her anger made her disregard the problem of her words, she soon piped up with a flustered apology.

“Forget it. I know it’s not weird that my words can get that reaction.”

“But… I can’t follow that.”

“Then just write. That’s all you need to do.”

“Why should I stop in the first place?”

There are three reasons.

“Those memories in the story are eating away at you. What you’re afraid of? It’s not about that kid you liked seeing your story. It’s simply about being trapped in them. If you want to rewrite that story, you have to either churn through your own self or write insipid, fabricated sentences without your soul. I’ll say it again, the latter is still included in what I meant by ‘stop’.”

“The story you’re currently writing? It’s not something that even has readers yet. It’s just a story that contains your worries, and while writing it, you might reach the conclusion you’re looking for. But hiding away in your room, writing without thinking of a conclusion is akin to self-harm. You could even call it an act of self-gratification. It might result in a conclusion, but it won’t produce a result. It’s madness.”

“In the first place, you yourself don’t want to write that story anymore, do you? You’re not even apologizing to the readers or the work. You’re just afraid of being criticized.”

“…That’s not true. I—”

“Then just treat my words like nonsense and write. You can write whenever, whether now or later.”

In reality, that wouldn’t be the case.

But for now, let’s pretend that it could be.

“Readers won’t wait for you. They won’t trust you anymore. Even if you can write, you write. If you have to, write. Then do it. If you’re ready for that, write. Write.”

“…But you just said to stop.”

“You don’t have the resolve for it.”

“Stop with the damn philosophizing!”

“Alright, I’ll stop.”

“…What?”

Jae-Ah’s unexpected response wasn’t particularly funny, but regardless, tomorrow would be the end.

Now only Jae-Ah’s choice remained. No matter what else I said, it would mean nothing. It shouldn’t have.

You have to choose.

I cannot make any choice for you.

“As I’ve said continuously, the choice is ultimately yours. I won’t say anything more. You figure it out, and you decide.”

“That’s irresponsible…”

“I’m not someone who needs to take responsibility for you.”

That’s you. Only you.

It has always been that way, and always will be.

Humans can only be responsible for themselves.

~

I didn’t offer any words regarding Jae-Ah’s struggles with sexual identity or her feelings towards her father. I had no insight on those matters and couldn’t advise her. It was something Jae-Ah had to think through and wrestle with herself. She might find help from someone, but at least, it wouldn’t be from me. I told her not to lock herself away, but she still had to continue her struggle.

Out there, beyond this small place.

It doesn’t have to be expansive. Just, I hope it’s not close.

To give Jae-Ah time to think, I stepped outside briefly. It had been a long time since I quit smoking due to health reasons, and I craved a cigarette. Since I couldn’t indulge in that, I stopped by a convenience store and bought a lollipop to suck on.

After today ends, and tomorrow passes, the next day is the last day.

Half of yesterday, half of today has passed, so starting tomorrow is the epilogue. It might just end as an ordinary afterword, or it could become a literary afterword. Afterword literature always left a bitter aftertaste. The stories of those who couldn’t finish have always been that way.

The success or failure of that revolution did not depend on me. Once it ends, I would merely start worrying about myself again.

I threw away the empty lollipop stick after sucking it dry until nothing was left, before returning home.

In the living room, Jae-Ah was sleeping. She lay, facing the wall as usual, making her face hidden.

Perhaps she was pretending to be asleep.

I returned to my room without saying a word.

~

It was the sixth day since Jae-Ah arrived. Tomorrow was the day she would leave the house. However, Jae-Ah still seemed unable to make any choice, still wearing a complicated expression and no longer speaking to me. I also intentionally kept my mouth shut.

Spending the day in the same space yet different worlds, we waited for the end. Jae-Ah continued to stare blankly at her smartphone. During that time, I was busy addressing inquiries regarding the video from yesterday that I received from those around me.

Ham Yejin offered to help prepare for a lawsuit if I wanted, but I figured it would just create more trouble, so I left it alone. In the first place, it was hard to file a lawsuit against YouTube, and I didn’t want to put Yejin in too much trouble.

I hadn’t wished for it, but it could turn into some noise marketing for my upcoming book.

Hwa-won and Muk Ha-neul just laughed a lot and teased me incessantly. Hwa-won seemed to be pretending to tease me out of fear that comforting me would make me feel worse, but Muk Ha-neul looked like she was laughing simply because it was funny.

Damn it.

Meanwhile, there was no contact from Seo Eun-a. Given the circumstances, she was the number one person who would come to tease me, making her absence a bit surprising. Was she too busy to check the internet? Still, my self-consciousness kicked in. Just because I became slightly famous, it didn’t mean everyone in the world had viewed my video. There was no need for me to shout it out, so I hadn’t reached out to her.

I wished for nothing to happen, and for this life to end. An ordinary ending would suffice. I didn’t wish for it, but maybe it could be apocalyptic.

Dinner time came, but Jae-Ah refused to eat, saying she had no appetite.

Usually, we would order delivery food together for dinner, but today seemed to be impossible. I could order it on my own like when she wasn’t around, but it felt uncomfortable to do so when someone beside me was not eating, so I stepped outside instead.

I found a nearby Chinese restaurant and ordered a bowl of jjajangmyeon. It was a place I always ordered from, but I didn’t know it was this close. It was the kind of distance where the delivery fee would be a waste. Should I just come out to eat next time?

On the way back after finishing my meal, just before arriving home, I received a phone call from a bit of a distance. Feeling a sense of déjà vu, I looked at my phone and saw that the same person’s name was displaying as before.

After taking a deep breath, I answered the call.

“Yes, Professor.”

“…How have you been?”

I’m not sure. But the professor doesn’t seem to be well.

There was no strength in his voice.

He sounded a bit unsettled.