Chapter 140

“I’m in the same class as a friend… They were an otaku too, and we got along better than I expected, so as we spent time together, I started to like them.”

“Then… we ended up going to an event together, and that’s when I did cosplay for the first time.”

“Wasn’t this your first time?”

“That time was a different event, but it turned out that way anyway.”

“You might know this, but I originally planned to cross-dress yesterday. And at that time, I had already cross-dressed.”

“….”

“We went together… and we had a lot of fun. Then afterward, I confessed.”

“They said they were sorry.”

“It was fine. No, I guess it wasn’t fine? But it doesn’t matter anyway.”

“A few days later, a photo of me started circulating in the school group chat.”

“Did that person do that?”

“Probably not. They were in the picture too. Anyway, everyone already knew we were both otakus, so I guess they just caught some flak.”

“Me, cross-dressing, I was branded as gay and heard those kinds of things.”

“After that, they started to avoid me, and trash and graffiti started appearing on my desk. My textbooks got torn and wet… well, that kind of story.”

“That’s why I stopped going to school. My mom and dad still don’t know why I refused to go. They might have guessed it was because of bullying, but I didn’t say anything, so there was nothing they could do. Would I really tell my dad about something like this?”

“But… when that happened, I became unsure.”

“What do you mean?”

“Can I ask you a riddle?”

“Out of nowhere?”

“Do you think that person was a girl or a boy?”

…I thought naturally that it was a girl. I did have a thought that it might be a boy, but in that case, it was clear that they would also become a target of bullying. If that person was a girl, and if they did a normal cosplay, and Jae-Ah did a cross-dressing cosplay, it would naturally focus more on Jae-Ah.

But suddenly asking a riddle made it unclear. If I said it, I would eventually find out about Jae-Ah’s sexual orientation too.

“Why are you so serious? It’s a girl. It’s definitely a girl. I don’t think I’m gay, but I thought I should say it since it seems like you think I am.”

Fortunately, Jae-Ah quickly denied that notion.

And if the person I liked was a girl… it would be strange to think that Jae-Ah wanted to be a girl. Unless that person was not a lesbian. Then would it mean Jae-Ah is just a cross-dresser? Or is there something more hidden?

“When I started refusing to go to school, I became confused about everything. Usually, TS works are not written to raise any significant issues, right? I started like that, without any specific thoughts. But after experiencing such things, I became unsure about everything. Without any thoughts, I lost the ability to think.”

“Why did I cross-dress at that time? I just thought it would be fun. But that wasn’t the end of it. Did I ever think about wanting to be a girl? Of course, I did. It’s not a big reason. I just… got a bit tired of it.”

“My dad wanted me to become someone great. Simply because I was born a boy. My smart eldest sister is the smartest. To be honest, my second sister works harder. I had nothing. I wasn’t particularly good at studying or working hard. I did earn a decent amount of money. But to my dad, that probably meant nothing. He already had a lot of money, and what he wanted wasn’t this. If I said I was writing, he would have wanted something more impressive and recognized, not some weird perverted writing. If not, he would have been satisfied if I became a judge, a prosecutor, or a doctor.”

“And the reason for all those expectations and burdens was simply because I was born with a male body.”

“So if I had been born a girl, or if my sisters had been born boys, I wouldn’t have to bear those expectations, and that was my starting point.”

“In that situation, I developed feelings for a girl, and I felt happy. My thoughts about wanting to be a girl lessened, and it seemed like I was returning to normality. Bullying, ostracization—terrible, right? Even now, thinking about those bastards makes me feel sick. I seriously want to stab them to death.”

“Even if I did get such a chance in reality, I probably wouldn’t be able to.”

Jae-Ah laughed at herself mockingly.

“But more than all that, it was harder for me that they stopped looking at me.”

“Can I tell you something really embarrassing?”

“…Sure.”

“They read my story too. I had told them.”

“Are you crazy?”

Why would you suddenly kill yourself over that?

“Well… they were a very casual person who liked male-targeted stuff, so I thought it wouldn’t be a problem, but they teased me a lot, saying it was stupid. They said they read it, but it wasn’t their style.”

“But since they know about my story, if I publish it, they’ll find out. Since that thought came up, I can’t write anymore. The plot? I have everything set. I could tell you everything right now. But while my mouth moves, my hands don’t move.”

“I felt betrayed. Thinking that way made everything feel like it was collapsing. Honestly speaking, I wouldn’t find it strange if I said I started to feel disgust toward women. The guys who bullied me were the same, after all.”

“You said that the female characters in my story were inhuman.”

“Did they feel that way too? Are they also inhuman?”

“I know that playing the role of helping me or pretending to know me would just lead to mutual isolation and nothing more. That was just a common and obvious judgment.”

“But…”

“Was it not supposed to be that way?”

“If we got isolated together and ended up ruined, I think I could have held on.”

That’s really…

“You’re selfish.”

You’re so young.

“I can be selfish!”

Jae-Ah shouted in excitement. Even as they spoke, they seemed to find their own words ridiculous, laughing a little helplessly. It was a sneer.

“But… it could have worked out. I believed it. No, I knew it. That they liked me too. What kind of girl would cosplay at a nerd event with a boy otherwise?”

“But it seems it wasn’t such a great love.”

“They didn’t even accept my confession, and they threw me away so easily, and I’m just as easily cursing them.”

“So it felt like I hated everything. My dad, that person, me.”

“I started cross-dressing… It was a confusion. Well, everyone says that. During puberty, there’s confusion about sexual identity and whatnot… I didn’t start liking boys, but I kept cross-dressing. But people grow up so fast.”

Jae-Ah… is now in their second year of high school. If they are a boy, it’s the time when they grow the most. If they were cross-dressing, it would naturally feel like a bigger difference.

“Look. I’m growing facial hair… Hair is coming out… It’s been just a year and a half, but I’ve changed a lot. My voice too.”

“You suspected I was gay because I was watching queer movies, right? And because I cross-dress.”

“Honestly, yes.”

“I’m not interested in boys. I think that’s what it is. But I guess I started searching for those movies out of curiosity.”

“What were you curious about?”

“I don’t know what I want, what I am—nothing.”

“So, that’s the root of my slump.”

“It’s heavy, isn’t it?”

“Are you wondering why I’m suddenly bringing this up?”

“It’s all your fault.”

“I said I didn’t want to talk about it.”

“That’s a lie.”

I didn’t want to dive deep into this; it was too heavy. So heavy that if I held onto it, I felt like I would fall into a deep place myself. So I… didn’t look at Jae-Ah’s eyes.

This was not something I could help with. I could tell them the solution to this issue. But that would never be good for Jae-Ah as a person or as a writer.

So I couldn’t help them.

Jae-Ah had to do it.

Jae-Ah was nothing.

Not a cross-dresser, not a drag queen, not gay, not transgender—nothing. They were nothing and could be anything. Yet, it was a tragedy wherever they went.

Jae-Ah was just… an egg.

An unhatched egg or a broken egg.

I think I overlooked the fact that Jae-Ah was a minor too much. This entire conversation was… that. Babbling, not knowing what they were saying, their words unorganized, not even knowing what expressions to use.

Jae-Ah still doesn’t know what they are, what they have become, or what they could not become.

Sexual identity, sexual orientation? What do I love? Who am I?

Yeah, it couldn’t be helped. It wasn’t strange. Being young, being immature—it was such a natural thing.

I couldn’t break the shell of that egg myself.

They could either break it themselves or rot inside.

That was,

the path to becoming an adult.

It was a miserable feeling.

And at the same time, I was incredibly cold-headed.

Right now, I was about to say something to the boy who said he didn’t have to become an adult, that I would help him.

Now, he had to become an adult, that boy.