Chapter 13

This is the main point. That’s the feeling I got. It’s not like I haven’t been asked such questions before.

Even the generals who were friendly towards me asked if I would return to the military, and among the scholars, some even saw my military service as a temporary deviation and wished for me to become a virtuous woman in the future.

But Ban Jun was different from them. He didn’t just give his answer and try to teach me; he seemed to want to engage in a kind of discussion.

Feeling no need to hide, I spoke my mind directly.

“Yes. I am still continuing my training.”

“I heard that you once faced death, yet you still say this?”

How can one forget the fear of death? No matter how reckless I am, the fear of death hasn’t disappeared.

I am also afraid of death. I dislike pain and am not a psychopath who enjoys killing people.

“Yes, even so.”

Still, I longed for the battlefield. I wanted an opportunity to make my name known. A chance to proudly declare to the world that I existed.

What was my previous life like? Without any value, without any trace to show that ‘I’ existed in that world, I drifted like a tumbleweed and ended in nothingness. There was a beginning but no end, and the process was scattered meaninglessly.

This time is different.

I will definitely carve my name into the world. I will shout to the world that I existed.

Historians will record me. People will remember me. The marks I leave on the world will prove my existence for generations.

To achieve that, I had to become a general. And someday, like Napoleon said, I will declare that the chaotic times are over.

My words were a kind of vow. An answer to Ban Jun’s question and also a soliloquy to myself.

“That is.”

Ban Jun, who had been silent, opened his mouth.

“It is against the natural order.”

Going against the natural order means going against the principles set by heaven.

“Is it about me joining the military?”

Ban Jun nodded and poured out his words.

“The I Ching says that giving birth to a man is the way of Qian (Heaven), and giving birth to a woman is the way of Kun (Earth). The Qian hexagram represents Yang, and the Kun hexagram represents Yin. Thus, men should take their place outside, and women should take their place inside. This is the great principle of heaven and earth. But why do you, a woman, seek to follow Yang with the Kun hexagram?”

Based on the I Ching, a Confucian classic also known as the Book of Changes, Ban Jun argued that my actions were against the natural order.

Later, I learned that Ban Jun’s teacher, Song Chung, was an outstanding Confucian scholar, especially recognized for his annotations on the I Ching. The reason Ban Jun brought up the I Ching among many things was likely due to the influence of his teacher.

Be that as it may, no matter what classic he cited, I couldn’t follow it. Even if Chang-ran before recalling her past life had read a few classics, the only ones she properly remembered were the Analects and Mencius. And even that wasn’t enough to debate with true Confucian scholars.

So, what I could do was find contradictions in his words and draw out inconsistencies.

“Are you saying that men should only handle external affairs and women should only handle internal affairs?”

“Yes.”

When Ban Jun answered, I smiled and asked.

“Is kitchen work internal or external?”

“Internal.”

“Then if a wife makes a mistake while handling internal affairs and a fire breaks out, should the husband, being a man, just watch since it’s internal?”

“……”

Ban Jun hesitated and couldn’t easily answer. According to his words, the husband, being a man, shouldn’t interfere with a fire caused by internal affairs.

But putting out a fire alone is difficult for a woman. Especially in this era where there are no firefighters.

As expected, Ban Jun’s answer was just as I anticipated.

“A fire is a matter of family wealth, so the husband should also help put it out.”

“The current chaotic times are like that.”

The chaotic times that began with the Yellow Turban Rebellion have continued for over 20 years now. Cao Cao, who was close to unifying the land, fell at Chibi, and the rising power of the Sun-Liu alliance and the still-maintained forces of Xiliang and Yi Province.

The fragmented continent coming together again would take several more decades, and even that brief peace would soon be followed by the even more chaotic times of the Sixteen Kingdoms.

In the history twisted by my existence, it might not flow like this, but if I remain idle, it will likely follow the original historical flow.

If the great principle and heavenly order that Confucian scholars speak of truly end the chaotic times and bring about peace, then breaking my will, even at the cost of death, would be against the natural order.

Just as a husband rolling up his sleeves to put out a fire at home is not wrong, neither is my joining the military to end the chaotic times.

Though my logic was weak, Ban Jun, who didn’t come to break my will, nodded and said.

“You should become a lesser Yang.”

“Lesser Yang?”

“Yes. The natural order is Taiji. Taiji divides into Yin and Yang, which are male and female. Yin and Yang further divide into Yin and Yang, forming the Four Forms.”

I also know the Four Forms. Any Korean would have heard of Sasang Constitutional Medicine by Lee Je-ma, which divides constitutions into Greater Yang, Greater Yin, Lesser Yang, and Lesser Yin, prescribing different treatments.

“From Yin comes Greater Yin and Lesser Yang, so Lesser Yang is Yang within Yin.”

“Correct. You must have read the I Ching.”

Not the I Ching, but a drama about Lee Je-ma’s I Ching. Feeling guilty, I couldn’t admit it and changed the subject.

“Why are you giving me this advice?”

“It’s not much of an advice. Anyone could say it.”

“But you’re the only one who came to me directly to say it.”

“Haha, is that so?”

Ban Jun laughed awkwardly. Though embarrassed, he didn’t seem displeased and cautiously spoke.

“It’s an apology for misjudging you and a reflection on my own perspective.”

“You thought I was a reckless girl.”

“…Yes, I’m ashamed.”

“It’s okay. Everyone thinks that. You came to me feeling ashamed, but I haven’t seen anyone else do that.”

Ban Jun cried for days after surrendering.

He followed Liu Bei’s words, who recognized his talent, but clashed with Guan Yu, who despised him. He seemed to have overflowing pride in his abilities. Perhaps his high self-esteem made him sensitive to mistakes and faults.

So, he came to me directly because Sun Quan recognized his talents.

“Your thoughts are not far off. I am still lacking. The reason I haven’t returned to the military since the Nan Commandery battle is that I realized my shortcomings.”

“That’s not true. To put it bluntly, I thought you were similar to Lady Sun. Ignorant of principles, acting on whims like a child. But you shattered my prejudice. You have the makings of a gentleman.”

Hmm, that’s quite a low evaluation. Even I feel a bit hurt being compared to Lady Sun.

But it’s because he saw me that way that Ban Jun felt guilty and came to me. Thinking like that, it wasn’t all bad.

Ban Jun is an outstanding figure… probably.

After defecting to Eastern Wu, Sun Quan cherished him, so his abilities are certain. Though I don’t know exactly what he did, Liu Bei, who had the best eye for talent, acknowledged him, so his abilities are guaranteed.

Especially since Shu was lacking in talent compared to Wei. We can’t let such talent slip away.

I stood up abruptly and bowed deeply, just as he had thanked me.

“Thank you for your excessive praise. But I know better than anyone that I am still lacking. So, please help me. Guide me to become a gentleman as you said.”

“L-Lady, please raise your head.”

“Will you agree?”

“I am already serving as the Xuzhou Commander. I cannot stay by your side.”

This is not the era of warlords. The time when talents sought masters and ambitious warlords sought followers has passed.

Now, entering the early stages of the Three Kingdoms, Ban Jun, holding the position of Commander, wouldn’t abandon his post to follow me. I know that. I don’t intend to make such an unreasonable request.

“I’m not asking you to become a retainer of the Zhang family. Just exchanging letters when thoughts arise would suffice.”

Confucianism often emphasizes seniority, but surprisingly, age is just a number in Confucianism. According to Mencius, whom I learned about after becoming Chang-ran, one should make friends based on virtue, not age or status.

Naturally, Ban Jun, a Confucian scholar of this era, didn’t object to my proposal based on age, status, or gender.

“A pen pal… that’s a good expression. But I wonder if I can truly help you. Even without me, you would cultivate yourself. I fear my words might mislead you.”

“That’s not true. I know of your high reputation. After today’s conversation, I see that your reputation is well-deserved. You are surely a talent destined for high office.”

Though I didn’t know it at the time, Ban Jun did become the Grand Chancellor of Eastern Wu. The highest official position, equivalent to the Three Excellencies and Nine Ministers.

Ban Jun was loyal to those who recognized his talent but changed his attitude under Guan Yu, who despised him.

He is somewhat like Jean Lannes. Jean Lannes, feeling his achievements were unrecognized, even deserted the army in anger. Similarly, Ban Jun didn’t fulfill his duty to defend Jing Province under the despised Guan Yu.

As expected, when I highly praised his abilities, Ban Jun, moved, bowed deeply to me. His face was filled with emotion, touched that I, whom he had underestimated, highly valued him. With a trembling voice, he said.

“Liu Bei visited Zhuge Liang three times to invite him. How could I refuse? Ban Jun requests to become your pen pal.”

Done!

I smiled brightly and clasped his hand. A firm hand. I had a feeling he could handle military positions well too.

If I build a relationship with him, as I rise, Ban Jun will strive more for Shu-Han. Because there will be not only Liu Bei but also me recognizing his talents.

After building a relationship, if conflicts with Guan Yu become uncontrollable, I could request my father to transfer him, and it wouldn’t be strange.

Conversely, it benefits me too. Associating with the renowned Ban Jun itself gives me justification and reputation. The story that Ban Jun, a disciple of the great Confucian scholar Song Chung, formed a friendship with Chang-ran, transcending age and gender, serves as a counter-argument to any future opposition to my joining the military.

‘Do you know Confucianism better than Song Chung? Ban Jun studied under Song Chung and became friends with Chang-ran. So, who are you to object?’ That becomes possible.

Building up step by step, I sometimes regret not being born a man.

If I were born as Zhang Po instead of Chang-ran, with a healthy and strong body like Zhang Fei, I would have already achieved great feats at Chibi or Nan Commandery and risen to the rank of general.

But being born as Chang-ran, a woman, also has its clear advantages, which I realize more as time passes, but that’s a story for later.

For now, let’s just rejoice in removing a dangerous element from Jing Province and gaining a talented ally.

It was a day in the 15th year of Jian’an, 210 AD.