Chapter 120

A year ago, it was extremely rare for anyone to visit my home. Hwa-won sometimes came by, but usually, it was me who went out, and almost no one else had visited.

No, it wasn’t just almost… there may have been no one at all. Other than packages or deliveries, plumbing, gas inspections, I can’t remember a single time… really…

A hollow laugh escaped me at the realization of my destructive human relationships.

Truly, I was a boring person.

How had I lived such a life? I pondered.

Was it that I fell into literature or escaped into it? Maybe both.

In any case, my life was devoid of anything but that. It wasn’t an ascetic life; it was an autistic one.

I had changed. Yes, I acknowledge that. It was never the change I had wanted, but I had changed nonetheless. However, can a person’s essence change so easily?

I was still a person who could live that kind of life. Since I had always lived that way, it wouldn’t be difficult to return to the original state.

Still, the reason I had changed must have been due to the relationships that accompanied that change.

It wasn’t every day, but the number of people visiting my home had increased.

Ham Yejin still visited periodically. She said that the transfer of my department would likely happen as soon as tomorrow, but she assured me that it wouldn’t lead to a cessation of contact.

Muk Ha-neul also showed her face quite often. She said she had submitted a novel for a contest and had plenty of time on her hands. There was once an encounter with Ham Yejin that turned the atmosphere rather unpleasant.

Once a week, I started tutoring Jae-Ah again. She mentioned that she had plans to go somewhere, but didn’t specify where, though she seemed quite excited about it.

Seo Eun-a unexpectedly visited quite often. The excitement she had about doing well on the university entrance exam hadn’t fully dissipated, but her attitude of teasing me hadn’t changed.

And the most recent connection, Im Mi-ra, also came to visit quite frequently. Oh, had I met her before? She had met me before Seo Eun-a. She always wore her school uniform, so it seemed she hadn’t informed her family about skipping school.

And then there was Hwa-won.

Hwa-won didn’t come by as often. I still received regular updates about how she was doing. She was probably quite busy. I had heard she had already submitted her novel for the contest.

Hwa-won’s fate would likely be determined by the results of that contest.

Of course, at a point where she was already involved in the company, there was no way Hwa-won could completely detach from her father. Though she said that if she succeeded, she would gain freedom, Hwa-won understood where all the privileges she enjoyed came from and wouldn’t ignore that responsibility.

If she won a prize in the contest and struck it rich, she would be able to write freely. But if she failed, that would be the end. She would have to give up on her dream of becoming a writer.

In reality, that promise might not have mattered that much. Once she inherited the company, she would be too busy for that. However, she couldn’t be completely stopped from writing. So, it was more of a commitment to herself than a promise to her father.

If she couldn’t achieve results, it was a vow to give up on herself.

She might have thought it was a good opportunity.

Hwa-won was also showing signs of exhaustion and a decrease in motivation. After hearing words from her father, she made her resolution.

One last time, let’s pour everything into it and eliminate any lingering regrets.

Perhaps even if she failed, Hwa-won wouldn’t be too upset. She might feel relieved instead.

However, I would be by her side, reading the ending of Hwa-won’s story together. I would share in her relief, her sadness, and her laughter.

That was my duty.

…Anyway, it’s gotten unnecessarily lengthy. In short, it boils down to the fact that more people have been coming and going in my home.

That clearly showcases that I have changed.

Seo Eun-a said I had brightened up.

I must admit that I felt better lately. My wounds were healing. I was making an effort. Things at work seemed to be going well. With the advance I received from the publisher, I anonymously donated it to the orphanage, which has since changed its name. A book would be coming out soon. All the people I had established relationships with were good people. Too good for me, in fact.

Everyone was cherishing me.

That strength was powerful. It was enough to make my wounded self unable to endure. So, perhaps saying that I had brightened was indeed accurate.

Even so, despite being bright, I was ultimately a gloomy person. My brightness wasn’t like a sun that illuminated everyone, but more like a lonely moon that rose alone.

The night sky didn’t change just because the moon rose. It couldn’t interfere with the constellations, and because this wasn’t a fairytale, there was no rabbit within it.

In the end, I was such a person. A person who could only dance beneath the moonlight, not the radiant sun.

That wasn’t so bad.

There were indeed people who shone only under the moon, not the unreasonable sun. We could all be tinted blue under the moonlight.

Yet, the sea within me was not a warm place that offered comfort. It was a place where the sound of waves crashed, where the salty smell permeated, and where the coldness stole away my warmth.

So, I couldn’t be tinted blue. My face was pallid and drained.

I smiled, but I was drained.

I hid that face tightly. It wasn’t intentional, but I only showed my bright side. Life is a performance. A mask worn for so long becomes a face. If I could keep this play going for a longer time, could that perhaps become reality?

Is that me?

Does it matter?

It does.

But I am happy.

What is important? Being oneself was painful. Abandoning oneself was happiness. Even now, I still couldn’t make a choice. Eventually, I had to. To avoid being chosen before I had a chance to choose.

If I were to fall, I wanted to do so by my own choice.

That would be my last act of defiance.

~

With the increasing number of visitors, it was inevitable that problems arose.

In Jae-Ah’s case, she hardly came except during tutoring. She claimed to be busy, and above all, she disliked running into Seo Eun-a. Hwa-won didn’t often come either, so it wasn’t particularly strange that there would be nothing to do.

After meeting Muk Ha-neul and Ham Yejin at least once, I was controlling my schedule so they wouldn’t run into each other, and as mentioned, Hwa-won had hardly shown her face recently.

The problem lay with Seo Eun-a and Im Mi-ra.

Im Mi-ra seemed to consider my house as some form of escape, as she frequently came over to spend time. She didn’t set a specific time to come, often arriving in the morning instead of going to school.

I didn’t stop her. It was a repayment for saving me. Im Mi-ra wasn’t particularly a bad person, and to be honest, there were aspects of her that I connected with more than I had anticipated, so I had no reason to mind. If it were the old me, it might have been different.

As I had inferred from our earlier conversations, Im Mi-ra enjoyed fairy tales. She didn’t write them herself, but I was surprised by the vastness of her knowledge. She preferred classic fairy tales to modern ones, which I had also read a lot, so our conversations flowed quite well. When I casually asked about her intended major, she mentioned computer science or business, which was a bit disappointing. They say those fields offer good job prospects.

Seo Eun-a visited my house far more frequently than I had expected. Though she set specific times, she came about three times a week. When I asked her while she lounged on the sofa, staring at her phone, why a high school senior who had just finished his entrance exams wasn’t out having fun with friends and was here instead, she calmly replied, “I don’t have any friends.”

…That made sense, and Seo Eun-a threw a cushion at me.

I didn’t have any malice toward Seo Eun-a, but I couldn’t help but feel a bit uncomfortable. Talking about literature, well, even if it was about erotic literature, it wasn’t a topic I disliked that much. After all, I was a grown man. Feeling embarrassed by something like that would be ridiculous. My flushed face was just due to the heating being too strong.

What felt uncomfortable was her constant commenting on my attire. She questioned why I was only wearing such clothes after I went through the trouble of giving her some.

When she asked why I was dressed like that at home, Seo Eun-a responded, “You should at least dress up a little when guests come over. Are you always so defenseless? Even when you’re with Jae-Ah?”

In my current outfit, a simple white shirt and shorts I wore around the house, I couldn’t figure out what the issue was.

“It’s a bit sheer.”

I took off the white shirt and immediately pulled out a black shirt.

“You’re the one whose friends visit three times a week.”

“To have eye candy?”

I should really stop talking.

If it hadn’t been for the help I received from Seo Eun-a regarding her skirt that day, I would have kicked her out immediately. Although she didn’t know the backstory, I still couldn’t help but feel a pang of my own conscience.

Anyway, Seo Eun-a usually arrived around lunch, so I didn’t expect her to run into Im Mi-ra. Even if they did meet, I didn’t think anything significant would come of it, so I didn’t make a fuss about it.

So, when Im Mi-ra unexpectedly visited around lunchtime while Seo Eun-a was there, I opened the door without a second thought.

As Im Mi-ra came in, Seo Eun-a looked up and their eyes met.

…I had an ominous feeling about it.