Chapter 12

I was half out of my mind.

A book, heavy enough to be a weapon if swung by someone strong, came crashing down on Ariana’s head.

At the same time, the most vulgar insults imaginable spewed from the noble girl’s mouth.

“Die… ugh… die! Just die!!”

“No, what the hell…!”

“What are you doing! Grab her!”

I don’t know how I managed to swing a book that I could barely lift with both hands.

Any worries about the consequences had long vanished from my mind.

All I wanted was to punish the despicable woman in front of me who had dredged up the biggest trauma of my life.

It’s fine if you hit me.

Water torture, electric torture—it’s painful, but I can endure it.

I never even thought about resisting.

But this. This is different.

If you’re going to do this, I’d rather you just kill me. I’ve said it so many times.

Did I say it?

I don’t know. I can’t remember.

I hate this. I’m not a noble girl.

Don’t torment me with someone else’s memories. Please.

Of course, with my practically nonexistent strength, I couldn’t even properly inflict violence on anyone.

The book slipped from my hand by the third swing.

Before I could even raise my trembling arm to hit her a few more times, Ariana grabbed my wrist.

The commoners who had rushed in late pulled me away from her completely.

Right after, Ariana’s backhand struck my left cheek.

My head snapped back instantly, and blood flowed from my lips and mouth.

After reuniting at the academy, the mask of her cheerful demeanor had finally fallen.

Her sunken eyes scanning me up and down sent chills down my spine.

It felt like she was contemplating how to deal with a disobedient animal.

Whether it was the overwhelming pressure from her gaze or the fact that I had been too excited earlier, my breath caught in my throat.

My lungs were desperately craving oxygen, but no matter how much I tried to inhale, no air came in.

In fact, the more I tried to breathe, the more suffocated I felt.

“…You’re starting to crawl up without knowing your place.

I thought I’ve been considerate enough, but I guess I’ve been too kind, huh?

Alright. If that’s what you want, I’ll stop with the clumsy consideration.”

“Hu… hu… con…sideration? Stop talking nonsense. What are you…?”

“Ah, there you go again.

A dog that bites its master… deserves punishment, don’t you think?”

Even as I gasped for air, I glared at her and raised my voice.

Ariana just looked at me with dry eyes.

Those eyes were even scarier than usual.

It felt like she was capable of anything.

Ariana gestured to the commoners holding me.

The result of that simple action was utterly brutal.

Without hesitation, they grabbed my hair, punched my stomach, knocked me down, stomped on me, kicked my chest, twisted my wrists in impossible directions, pressed their feet against my temples, and unleashed blatant violence upon me.

With each wave of intense pain, the little breath left in my lungs escaped.

No matter how hard I tried to regain my composure and breathe, my lungs emptied in an instant, mocking me.

Only the sound of metal remained; my breath never filled.

My arms and legs stiffened.

A sense of loss, like drowning, overwhelmed me.

Even then, the fear of death disgusted me.

I could only writhe under the rain of violence.

“You don’t like hallucinogens, do you?

It’s just a playful dose, but if this is your reaction, I’m curious how you’d handle the real thing.

Next time, I’ll prepare something with proper pleasure and withdrawal symptoms, so you can look forward to it.”

Ariana crouched down and whispered to me, curled up like a dead thing, gasping for air under the weight of violence.

Her words felt like a death sentence.

If this was the weak stuff, then something stronger would be a mental execution.

At least dying physically would bring some relief. This… is worse.

If that’s the case, then…

As my oxygen-starved mind grew hazy, a single thought flashed through.

With trembling, barely functional hands, I reached up and grabbed my own neck.

And I squeezed.

It was almost no strength at all, but the breath already on the verge of breaking was easily cut off.

If breathing isn’t enough, then just stop.

Harder, squeeze harder. Strangle yourself. Punish the noble girl who still fears death.

It’s not even my body anyway. Whatever happens, it doesn’t matter.

So. Right now. Even if I die. It’s me.

“……Wait. Stop.”

But at some point, my right hand stopped and wouldn’t move anymore.

Trembling, it refused to obey my will.

Whether the noble girl stopped me or ‘I’ gave up.

In the end, I exhaled the breath I had been holding and violently shook my limbs.

My whole body felt numb, as if blood had stopped flowing.

Like I had been hit with tear gas, fluids poured from every orifice on my face.

My mouth, already long past functioning, gasped and exhaled air nonstop, as if broken.

“Bag! Anything that can hold something, just bring it!”

In my darkening vision, a panicked Ariana shouted.

Ana’s expression hardened.

Ah, so you don’t plan to kill me after all.

That’s both a relief and, at the same time, utterly despairing.

I don’t even know what kind of face to make in a situation like this.

In the moment I lost my composure, I laughed while crying.

Of course, it probably didn’t look good.

At the last moment, Ariana’s face twisted with confusion and doubt.

***

Though I caused a bit of a commotion and collapsed, in the end, nothing really changed.

Like last time, I woke up with my face planted on the desk.

By the time I came to, the professor had already started the lecture.

Probably moved again by Ariana’s gang, I guess.

I braced myself for the pain as I got up, but surprisingly, I felt fine.

It seems they used healing magic on me, as most of my injuries were gone.

Guess they thought I was really in danger this time.

Unlike last time, they didn’t selectively heal me.

I sighed softly and rubbed my neck, which still felt off.

The suffocation was probably due to hyperventilation.

In a mentally shattered state, I got overly excited and even got beaten up.

This weak body of mine had all the right conditions for a breakdown.

“Now, let’s try to memorize this part quickly.

Pillar of Pergamon. The Song of Wax and Parchment.”

The Magic Studies Professor’s voice was less sleep-inducing than the History Professor’s.

I slumped over the desk, watching him write on the board.

After cooling my head a bit, my earlier actions felt foolish.

Swept up by rising emotions, I acted impulsively and even resorted to violence.

Of course, the other person was a trashy human who had caused me pain countless times before.

But still, it’s clear that I acted just like her.

I broke the obsessive behavior I had sworn countless times to never do, the very behavior I loathed.

Maybe the one in control was ‘me.’

If the princess had been in control, she would never have done such a thing.

Even though I’m just a puppet who can’t do anything on my own.

Even though I always blamed the princess for my suffering.

I couldn’t control my emotions and only piled on more pain for the future.

And on top of that.

I broke the promise.

I tried to kill her.

The princess.

Even though I always said it wasn’t my body and I didn’t care what happened.

I won’t deny that I thought that way, but acting on pure instinct left me feeling strangely uneasy.

Am I really distinguishing between ‘suicide’ for killing myself and ‘murder’ for killing the princess?

I already know there’s no clear line.

We’re already so mixed up that I’m seeing hallucinations based on the princess’s memories and suffering from severe PTSD.

Yet, I’m still trying to separate myself from the princess.

……

I don’t know.

I don’t know.

Let’s just leave it at that.

I forcibly gathered my muddled thoughts and turned my head.

Just then, I felt someone’s gaze on me.

Getting trash thrown at me or receiving hostile looks during class is common, but this time, it felt oddly familiar.

As I looked around, my eyes met the owner of that gaze.

“Ah.”

It was Ariana.

She was looking at me with eyes full of emotion.

A stark contrast to her usual calm demeanor, making it all the more noticeable.

Guess her pride got hurt.

I went a bit too far this time, considering how obedient I usually am.

Lunchtime is going to be rough.

It’s the karma I’ve built up, so what can I do?

I sighed and let out a bitter laugh.

A laugh at myself.

Ariana, seeing my expression change, flinched noticeably.

I could feel her gaze grow even more intense.

Ah, here we go again.

***

With a resigned mind, I faced lunchtime.

As I took deep breaths, waiting for Ariana’s gang to show up, a whisper reached my ears.

It was Ariana’s voice, who had somehow gotten close.

“…Next time will be different.”

She spoke in a subdued tone, then left me alone for the first time since we reunited at the academy, heading off to eat.

I stared blankly at the spot where she had been for a long time.

What on earth did that mean?

***