Chapter 12

“Louis… do you dislike me?”

“What are you talking about? Who’s been spouting nonsense to you? Are there still people in the village who haven’t come to their senses?”

“It’s not that… I’m just a crybaby, spoiled, and I feel like I’m always burdening Louis.”

“That’s not true!”

012

Reestablishment (Part 1)

You couldn’t have missed the desperate, almost pleading emotion contained within.

Anne was silent for a long time. Her expression was ambiguous, making it hard to tell whether she was smiling, crying, or angry. It was rare for me to not be able to read your expression.

Perhaps Anne’s face was as usual, and it was my own troubled heart that couldn’t understand what I was seeing.

“Louis.”

A short call of my name. A name that, no matter how many thousands of times it’s repeated, I would never tire of. Not because it’s mine, but because it’s you who calls it.

“There’s no way I could think that.”

Then, a gentle hand cupping my cheek. Like blessing a newborn, Anne hugged me, who was trembling like a child, and lightly kissed my forehead.

A ticklish yet not unpleasant warmth. Whether it was given by you or received by me.

“That’s right, that’s…”

“Ailim is merciful, and as long as you don’t give up on atonement, the gates of salvation will remain open to you until the very end.”

Ah.

“I’ll help you too, Louis.”

A pure, one-sided favor that felt entirely for my sake.

How could anyone not be moved by such a heart? There was no hidden agenda to exploit others, nor any condescension or pity while helping others, as is the sad nature of humans.

All I felt was a worry and affection so white and pure that it felt sinful to tarnish it. Those who don’t know Anne well might call her cold or heartless.

“So that you can be saved.”

But I knew. How warm Anne truly was.

That’s why it felt even more sorrowful now. Despite all the atrocities and horrors you’ve committed, the only hope I could cling to in this narrow space was you.

“Salvation…”

“Yes, definitely.”

The hands clasped together no longer felt anything. No warmth, no discomfort.

“It will surely be a difficult and arduous path, but I’ll always be by your side. There may be times when it’s hard to understand or painful. But in the end…”

“…So, you also see me as a heretic, don’t you?”

“That’s not true, Louis.”

A soft voice, like when I was first led by your hand to a bookstore, despite having always kept my distance from books. Out of habit ingrained by time, I was still listening to you.

“Everyone has a Laube in their heart. If you listen to that dark voice, it may sound sweet at first, but in the end, it only leads to ruin.”

Thinking back, the book you read with the most sparkling eyes back then was the Scripture.

If Ailim is the god who created the world, the first light who slept for his children, then Laube is the opposite. He was the first human to resist and put the god to sleep, the first ruler, and the first executioner. The chaos and sin that tainted the world were also his doing.

“But rejecting the dark hand is ultimately a matter of personal choice. Even if you lose your way, even if you step into the wrong place… it’s open to anyone.”

It was more of a pronoun for evil itself rather than pointing to any specific being.

“The possibility of turning back and returning to the light is open to everyone.”

“I… am not evil.”

“Of course not.”

She smiled softly and agreed, but in the end, my words didn’t reach her.

“It wasn’t Louis’s will to fall into darkness. I know. Yes, even if others don’t, I do…”

“…Anne?”

“Right? There’s no way your feelings for me could change.”

The muttered words seemed more like a self-reassurance than something directed at me.

“Don’t worry, Louis. I’ll save you from the clutches of darkness. Yes, I definitely will.”

“I don’t understand what you’re saying.”

Our gazes met at a disconcertingly close distance. Her pale blue-gray eyes, still unchanged in color.

But her temperament had changed. The gaze that once seemed capable of embracing everything like the sky had now frozen solid. Unmeltable by any flame, unbreakable by any hammer.

Something that could be called a conviction, born out of anguish and wounds, rather than mere stubbornness or lingering attachment.

Though it was overwhelming for me to peer into that glacier-like mind, for a moment, I thought I saw something sparkling within.

“Right?”

“Uh, yes?”

“Louis accepted the engagement because, yes, he was bewitched by that Laube-like woman…”

If I were to forcibly name it.

The only happy memory in her life, the dazzlingly shining childhood we shared.

“If we drive away the darkness, Louis will surely return to his original self.”

*

“Original self” meant a few things.

For example, when you ran to hug me, I would reach out and hug you back, or when you did something good, I would praise you and pat your head.

Or when you left even for a moment, I would show a hint of disappointment.

“Are you hungry? Wait a bit. I’ll bring something to eat.”

“…”

And those things had nothing to do with darkness.

The reason I acted like a stiff wooden block in front of Anne was clear. Not shyness, but fear; not affection, but worry.

Humans can’t help but freeze in front of beasts. Even if once tamed, if you know it no longer fears the sight of blood. Especially if you’ve seen it yourself.

In terms of physical ability, Anne had already surpassed most wild animals. Wolves couldn’t jump over fences, and no matter how strong a bear is, it can’t tear down a house.

Creating whirlwinds, smashing walls, and even knocking people down with monstrous strength was already in the realm of miracles. Considering Anne’s still slender and delicate frame, it was even more mysterious.

But if I truly feared Anne.

Why am I trembling only now that she’s gone?

Anne’s body, which lightly passed through the loose bars, disappeared beyond the white horizon. The sight of her dissipating like mist had become familiar after seeing it so many times.

As the ominous man’s voice and Anne’s chattering voice like a lark both subsided, in the suffocating silence, the auditory hallucinations of the past began to strike my ears again.

The screams of the villagers.

The sound of destruction as I was dragged away.

And newly added, the heavy sound of iron wailing, the sound of skin burning and smoke rising, the sound of being finely sliced.

The bloody laughter and the desperate screams that didn’t seem like my own, forming a duet.

Closing my eyes, the cruel memories tore through my mind, and opening them, sharp light stabbed my eyes. I’m no hero. I’m a criminal, a commoner.

“Ugh…”

Overcoming the painful past with willpower was too much for me. Pulling myself out of the sticky, heavy swamp of despair was impossible with my weak will and broken soul.

Like a fish out of water, I struggled to breathe, waiting only for my ‘water’ to return.

Even if the river flooded and took away precious people, once the rain stopped, people would draw water from that river again. They would quench their thirst and sustain their lives with the water that swept away their friends and family.

It was miserably the same for me, having to reach out again to what had destroyed me.

“Did you wait, Louis?”

In this space, even the sense of time was distorted, and I couldn’t tell if the moment Anne left was an eternity or just a moment.

But one thing was clear. Even though Anne was the start of all these nightmares, I still think of the past paradise, not the present hell, when I see you.

It’s not just her who clings to the nostalgia of childhood.

A boy groping for the empty space left by parents busy with their ascension. Anne always apologized for being a burden, but I too found solace in that relationship.

Perhaps even now.

“…Are you okay?”

Anne’s eyes, as always, couldn’t be deceived. In that brief moment, she noticed how noticeably haggard my face had become and looked at me with concern.

But what could I say here? Should I beg? To the enemy who massacred our village-

-That I’m tormented by nightmares when you’re not here, so please don’t leave?

“…I’m fine.”

I swallowed the rising words. It was a matter of principle, not pride.

Anne’s expression darkened, but after feeling the firmly built wall of my heart, she said nothing more. Instead, she carefully placed the bowl she brought on the floor.

White rice porridge. Not a grand meal by any standard, but the moment food was in front of me, the hunger I hadn’t realized for so long screamed.

Even in this state, the desire to live remained unchanged, and I reached out for the spoon like I was entranced…

“Ah, Louis.”

And then a gentle hand stopped me. Her fingers were still delicate, but there was an undeniable strength in them now.

“You should say grace before eating.”

“…Ah, right. Grace.”

What Anne said was utterly fundamental, but it was something I had forgotten for a long time.

Right, I always said grace when eating with Anne or others. But since I often stayed alone due to my ascension, it became a habit to skip it out of laziness.

Of course, I hadn’t forgotten how to do it. It wasn’t that long or complicated to begin with.

“Thank you for the promised wait.”

I bowed my head lightly, made the sign of the cross, and recited the set verses.

Though there was no portion of the porridge Anne brought for herself, she led the grace as if demonstrating it. I followed her actions.

Bowing my head lightly, reciting the verses, crossing my wrists as much as possible to form the shape of a cross…

“Thank you for the promised… ugh!”

But I couldn’t finish the grace and stopped with a sharp groan.

“What’s wrong, Louis? Are you okay?”

I didn’t know why. Whether it was because I touched the sacred barrier of the silver bars when I first arrived here, or because of the scars from the torture.

The moment I twisted my right wrist, an intense pain shot through, and unknowingly, the cross went askew. I grimaced and returned my hand to its original position.

The tingling wrist was fine as if nothing had happened. But I was certain that if I twisted it excessively again, the same pain would strike.

As if someone had driven a nail into my wrist.